Is it possible to keep one's friends when they pair off?

[sulawesigirl4]

As I am of the ripe young age of 22, it has been more and more frequent that close friends of mine are either getting involved in serious dating relationships, engaged, and/or married. Now while this is all well and good and I am happy for my friends' happiness...I must admit, it has put a huge dent in my social life. lol. I mean, the married ones that have kids can't go out and do things without long-term planning. The engaged ones have EVERY night scheduled with their beloved and really don't want a third wheel along. And an evening with plain ol' buddy sula just can't compete with an evening with the love of one's life.

So what do you do? Do you just go make more single friends? Do you keep calling your busy "couple" friends and keep suffering the rejection time after time? What?

Or do you sit on your computer and post threads in internet forums like this? lol.

-sula

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~I want to play the guitar very badly, and I do play the guitar very badly - Bono~

Take a virtual tour of U2's Dublin... Crzy4Bono's U2 page with some of Sula's Dublin pic's

Sula's Europe and U2 Concert Pics

Ik ben een vrouw, hoor mij eens brullen!!

 

[Sicy]

The last one.

 

[tiny dancer]

I've been down this road many times Sula. I find that with my friends who are a couple you begin to not have the same things in common like you once did before. So I try to find other single friends and take it from there.
Try to hang in there, I know things will get better for you.

 

[brettig]

My 2 best friends were both paired off for a time, one still is, and yeah it gets really awkward at times, they certainly become harder to reach or have a good ole nite out again...dont really have a resolution on this one, other than to say i have enjoyed chatting to sula lately

 

[Matthew_Page2000]

Uh, a couple of years ago my best friend started sleeping with my girlfriend. The two of them then managed to alienate (too complicated to explain) another couple who were among my closest friends as well. That couple moved out of state. In the ensuing ruckus (again too complicated to explain) my other last remaining close friend and I nearly came to blows and we've never really been close since. SOOO...there was a lot of free time for MAP to post to the internet for a while.

MAP

p.s.- Is your best friend handsome? Is your girlfriend gorgeous? Don't introduce them.

 

[Discoteque]

Well, for ME, the answer to that one is big fat NO. Unlike Bono/Ali/Guggi/Gavin, who are lucky enough to have all hung together literally through thick and thin over the years (and have worked at it), from my own personal experience, there is not ONE friend that I have remained friends with through the years in the same way that I was friends with them when we were both single. Not one. This is one of the biggest emotional pains in my life (she confessed). It usually goes like this:

• Friend finds guy.
  Friend suddenly is joined at hip with guy.
  Friend is suddenly part of "a couple"
  Couple starts hanging with other couply type people. Single friend practically has to beg for some 'friend time' with friend.
  Couple gets married. See friend very infrequently now. Esp. if a house is involved.
  Majority of couple's friends are couples.
  Couple become pregnant. Very excited. Less and less in common with single friends now.
  Child is born, couple's world now revolves around it. NO time whatsoever for single friends.
  Couple now searches for couples with kids.
  Majority of couple's friends are now MwK.
  
  Fast forward a few years, the flip side:
  Find out many former friends now getting divorces. Want shoulder to cry on. Want friend 'alone time' again.
  Former friends are now friends again, but still have kids, and are either bitter or constantly on the prowl.
  Single person ends up on Internet lists. Like this one.
  

Whatever the scenario, the single friend is on the losing end...and not for lack of trying!!!

Bitter? Who, me?

[This message has been edited by Discoteque (edited 01-07-2002).]

 

[Matthew_Page2000]

Jesus, Discoteque. I don't know whether to feel better about my life after reading your post or worse.

MAP

 

[Discoteque]

yeah, it's rather a bummer, MAP, but it's just a vicious cycle. *shrug*

and it's what's happened to each and every one of my friends...my former 'soulmate' girlfriend of years ago, one of those 'best friends' that you are lucky enough to have once in your life, got married, bought a house, and I have tried to contact her on numerous occasions both via phone and email, I've even talked to her husband a few times, but she never gets back to me...I don't know what to make of that. I mean, I'm still 'friends' with these people, but only on a somewhat acquaintance like basis.

One can only keep trying to keep the friendship alive for so long before giving up. It bothers me a lot but I just have to get over and on with it....it's weird...

 

[AM]

It all depends on your friends and the stage of the relationship.

I?m married and i got friends from before I met my hubby and so does he has his friends. We are both willing to give the other some space to meet old friends and hang out with them. And I?m not friends with all of his old pals, but I think that it?s necessary for us to keep in touch with people we used to hang out with before we met.

But that largely depends on yourself. Sula, maybe you should be patient and don?t give up on your friends, because they only want to see their loved ones right now. This will change in time, believe me. Just don?t give up on them, so you won?t lose their friendship.

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"The bass player's got it. The bass player's fucking got it." Bono, Boston 6-9-01

 

[Mrs. Edge]

Awww, Sula. I know what you mean in that although I'm part of a couple, my other friends are now at the baby stage, and I almost never speak to them now, which is a real shame, but then again we don't have much in common in general any more. Maybe that's not so bad, especially because my interference friends have pretty much taken over my friendship life!

One of my best friends (whom I've known since kindergarden) is single, and we make plans to see each other whenever we can. It usually requires advance planning, but sometimes we do things quite spontaneously. I think it's so important for married couples to get away from each other and hang out with their own friends, pursue their own interests etc. Nothing is more boring than losing your identity and becoming just part of a couple (says "Mrs. Edge"! Hah!)

Not that this helps you much of course Sula, but you should probably just talk to your engaged friends and tell them how you feel. They are probably so absorbed in the new relationship that they haven't even noticed they are neglecting you. (((HUG)))

 

[tiny dancer]

Originally posted by Discoteque:
Well, for ME, the answer to that one is big fat NO. Unlike Bono/Ali/Guggi/Gavin, who are lucky enough to have all hung together literally through thick and thin over the years (and have worked at it), from my own personal experience, there is not ONE friend that I have remained friends with through the years in the same way that I was friends with them when we were both single. Not one. This is one of the biggest emotional pains in my life (she confessed). It usually goes like this:

• Friend finds guy.
  Friend suddenly is joined at hip with guy.
  Friend is suddenly part of "a couple"
  Couple starts hanging with other couply type people. Single friend practically has to beg for some 'friend time' with friend.
  Couple gets married. See friend very infrequently now. Esp. if a house is involved.
  Majority of couple's friends are couples.
  Couple become pregnant. Very excited. Less and less in common with single friends now.
  Child is born, couple's world now revolves around it. NO time whatsoever for single friends.
  Couple now searches for couples with kids.
  Majority of couple's friends are now MwK.
  
  Fast forward a few years, the flip side:
  Find out many former friends now getting divorces. Want shoulder to cry on. Want friend 'alone time' again.
  Former friends are now friends again, but still have kids, and are either bitter or constantly on the prowl.
  Single person ends up on Internet lists. Like this one.
  

Whatever the scenario, the single friend is on the losing end...and not for lack of trying!!!

Bitter? Who, me?

[This message has been edited by Discoteque (edited 01-07-2002).]

So true Disco, So true.

 

[zonelistener]

It's probably different with guys, but I haven't had too hard of a time keeping contact with friends who have "coupled, engaged, housed, married, birthed" etc. etc. etc.

Often, you need to find a connection on their level (which will undoubtedly make you more mature and prepared for these steps if/when you get to them). Offer them help with the kid, the house, the wedding, counseling, etc. It means more effort on your part, but I believe it is appreciated. Help them learn balance.

And, at the same time, continue to make new friends. I NEVER want my continuing circle of friends to stop growing.

P.S. - don't forget to call your fellow single friend Sula if you are hanging out, even if they are a pest.....lol.

 

[sulawesigirl4]

*sigh* Yeah, Disco, I'm afraid of that whole scenario you have just described. I've gone through about the whole gamut except for the divorce part (yet) and it's very off-putting. I mean, I try. I really do. I've called my friends and I've tried to make myself available and to go out of my way to fit into "their" schedule, but I'm only human. I don't particularly like feeling like I'm the only one who cares about a friendship. Every time I call, they are busy. And usually "busy" means spending time with their significant other. And that's fine, I suppose. It lets me know how valuable (or not) my friendship is to them.

After a time, I guess I just emotionally pull out.

I have an especially hard time with this because I grew up in such a mobile environment. Deep down, whenever things start to go south in a friendship, I think my brain just clicks off and I think "oh well. I don't need them anyways. I'll be moving soon and if I'm not close to them, then that's good because the parting will hurt less." Pragmatic me.

blah blah. Oh well.

I hope no one thinks I'm a total depressive person or anything. I don't think I am.

I guess it's just really been hitting me all at once lately. Too many friends pairing off all at once, and suddenly my social circle is all gone. On the upside tho, I've been meeting some neat local U2 fans! And that is always a good thing. hehe.

AM, I must say...you and your hubby are an example to me of a very stable, healthy marriage. If I ever get married, I hope I'm like you. Seriously, you guys were great to hang out with.

Anyways, thanks everyone for your input. I know I'm not the first one to go through this and won't be the last. lol. Part of the whole growing-up thing I guess, huh?

-sula

p.s. brettig, that's mutual.

p.s.s. zone...what pest?

 

[zonelistener]

Originally posted by sulawesigirl4:

p.s.s. zone...what pest?

 

[HelloAngel]

To be honest, I would kill to have single friends that were available to hang out with. I've been in a "serious" relationship for over 3 years now, and since moving in with my boyfriend, all of my single friends have disappeared

I kept calling them, but they just were too busy going to bars, clubs, school, whathaveyou and didn't want the "girl with the boyfriend" along.

It's not like I act like I have a boyfriend when I'm out at night - I flirt and meet other guys. Just because I'm not going to snog or shag them doesn't make me less fun.

I never get why when some people get into a couple it becomes their whole universe. Some of my girlfriends just melt into their boyfriends and it's sad. There's nothing wrong with caring for someone, but it's also good to retain some sort of autonomy too.

My boyfriend and I never look for other couples to hang out with. I think it's creepy - to have a coupla couples hanging out being couples, all into their "couple-ness." Pretty soon, you have football parties or dinner parties with the couples sitting on their seats or couches and just making out and not talking to the other couples. Or you go out to dinner and talk about domestic shit and then once the wine is served, the coupla couples go back to thinking about their "couple-ness" and thinking about what kind of coupling they will do when they get home. It's so AGGRAVATING!! arghargh! LOL!

Gross!

Anywho.. no more coffee for me today! lol.

 

[spinninghead77]

I think that it depends on your friends. I am part of a group of 4 24 year old girls who are all in different situations. There is the single one, The long term relationship one (Me), the engaged one, and the married one. We make an effort to spend time alone. In fact we have a standing Wednesday night date. We go out for coffee, drinks, or dinner. We also make an effort to have a girls night out at least once a month on the weekends. We hit the bars, or rent a movie and veg together in front of the tv. We are lucky that our men get along fine, and we usually all get together with the guys on the weekend. We go out to a club, go for dinner, see a movie or something. We have all been in our relationships for a long time so the single girl doesn't feel like she is surrounded by 3 couples making out.

All three of us who are in relationships make a big effort with the single one. If my boyfriend is working late, I call her, when I am getting dragged out with my boyfriends friend I bring her along. I even invite her to come to movies with us and stuff sometimes.

 

[adam's_mistress]

My husband and I got married fairly young, so most of our friends for many years were single. We've always felt that in social situations, the more the merrier. We loved including our single friends in our nights out partying. Or we'd have them over for dinner and a movie, or we'd have them crash on our couch. We made an effort not to make them feel like a third wheel because we've been in that sitation before. Our welcome mat is to this day open for everyone.

We love our friends whether they are single, engaged, married,, or heartbroken. If our single friends want to bring along a date or special friend, it means a lot to us that our friends find enjoyment or comfort in having my husband and I around.

But gone are the days of girls night out, although they do happen occasionally and it is fun. Usually my husband will come along for the ride and nobody minds. It's like he's one of them. Personally I'd rather be with my husband when I go out - he's my best friend in the whole world. (and he wards off those men who pick up on me, not that I'm miss thang or anything but y'know.) If my girlfriends want to hang with me and talk girlie girlie things, we'll do coffee or lunch. Vice versa with my husband. He's known for the occasional night out with his friends but more often than not he wants to bring me with and my husband's friends are naturally my friends. I'm one of the guys.

But we have a child now. The door swings both ways with this. My husband and I are still the only ones out of our group of friends that have a child. At first our friends (both single and not) kind of left us by the wayside. I don't blame them and I'm not bitter. It must've been very weird for our friends to see our lifestyle (hard partying, clubbing, concert-going, all the way to chilling in front of the tv til the wee hours) change. Actually we've all chilled out over the past couple of years! This may sound cheesy or selfish on our parts or whatever, but we wanted our son to have as many people in his life as possible - so we always invited our friends over for dinner and movies. Friendship is very valuable to us and we don't have a ton and ton of friends, but we want to the virtues of friendship to our son. What better way to do that than to have our friends over! We wanted our friends (who are like family) to get to know our son, we wanted them to be as much a part of their lives as they are a part of ours. It's important to us that we keep these friendships strong no matter what. I know it sounds weird, but including our friends with whatever my small family does makes my friends feel included in our lives, like we haven't forgotten how much they mean to us, they're still important even though we have a little one that consumes most of our time. Sometimes it's an effort, especially at first when our friends were wary about spending time with us and our child, but in the end the effort goes for miles and I'm grateful for it. My husband, son and I meet our friends at certain places like restaurants or the beach, our son is almost always included, we even invite them to his birthday parties.

The foundations for my friendships are solid but it's a two way street. It's hard to make the effort to see our friends sometimes when we have our child to think about, but just because I'm married or we have a child doesn't mean we can't spend time with our friends too... even if they are single.

Now if they'd just make some playmates for our son.

 

[Discoteque]

Originally posted by HelloAngel:
To be honest, I would kill to have single friends that were available to hang out with.

Angel, maybe you need to give me a call, hee hee.

I think it's creepy - to have a coupla couples hanging out being couples, all into their "couple-ness." Pretty soon, you have football parties or dinner parties with the couples sitting on their seats or couches and just making out and not talking to the other couples. Or you go out to dinner and talk about domestic shit and then once the wine is served, the coupla couples go back to thinking about their "couple-ness" and thinking about what kind of coupling they will do when they get home. It's so AGGRAVATING!! arghargh! LOL!

Gross!

LMAO, that is SO true...worse yet, is when it crosses the border to TALKING about what kind of coupling they will do when they get home, AAAIIIEEEEEE!!!

It's enough to make a single girl hurl!

Sula, here's yet another trend I've experienced. Not that you will but:

Single person's friends get married: about 22-28 years old
Friends having babies: about 23-early 30s
Friends get divorced, but now have kids: early-late 30s
Former couple friends start looking up old friends to hang out with to bring some excitement back into their lives: 30s-early 40s
Former married friends are 'on the make' for another mate, and many times meet and get remarried pretty quickly. Usually new mate also has kids.

See list above for continuation of circumstances for the single friend, only add on about 10-15 years.

In my early 20s, I swear, ALL my single girlfriends got married...then in our early 30s, they ALL got divorced, then a few short years later, many got remarried again.

But me? I'm still swimming with the sharks...

 

[AM]

Originally posted by sulawesigirl4:
AM, I must say...you and your hubby are an example to me of a very stable, healthy marriage. If I ever get married, I hope I'm like you. Seriously, you guys were great to hang out with.

wow, *blushes* thanks. It was lovely to have you around. Come back soon

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"The bass player's got it. The bass player's fucking got it." Bono, Boston 6-9-01

 

[Klodomir]

All my friends are unmarriable losers like myself, so it's not a problem for me.

Except that weirdly enough, one of them told me yesterday that he got married more than a year ago and didn't tell us anything. And we were wondering why we never heard from him anymore. And I should add that of all us losers, he was voted least likely to marry anything other than a goat.

 

[WildHonee]

Well my situation is quite different. Two of my best friends now basically talk only to each other, and it's quite annoying. It's possible to stay friends, but it's not the same as before.

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~*Mona*~
LOVE me, give me SOUL

A little less circuitry ** A little more poetry

YOU KNOW I BELIEVE IT

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Originally posted by HelloAngel:
To be honest, I would kill to have single friends that were available to hang out with. I've been in a "serious" relationship for over 3 years now, and since moving in with my boyfriend, all of my single friends have disappeared

I kept calling them, but they just were too busy going to bars, clubs, school, whathaveyou and didn't want the "girl with the boyfriend" along.

It's not like I act like I have a boyfriend when I'm out at night - I flirt and meet other guys. Just because I'm not going to snog or shag them doesn't make me less fun.

Anywho.. no more coffee for me today! lol.

Girl, let's hang out soon!

Ha-how weird is this? I have single friends who act like they're married by never wanting to leave the house. BO-RING!!

*needs new friends*

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I know your garden's full
But is there sweetness at all?

 

[The_acrobat]

In my childhood, there were 5 buddies. We all grew up together, did everything together as kids. All through high school, we were like brothers. We thought nothing would tear us apart. We were wrong.

Friend 1- Had a baby with high school sweetheart, still not married. Run into him occasionally, but conversations are pretty standard.

Friend 2- We had a falling out over a girl who dumped him and went for me. Now he is engaged to a girl who is 26, and we are all 20. She's also about 100 lbs heavier than he is. Not like it matters as long as they are in love.

Friend 3- Married with a daughter, seems happy enough. Besides from the fact that he is living with his parents with his wife and kid, with a lame job.

Friend 4- Still heartbroken over the loss of his last girlfriend......2 years ago. During this time, he was nowhere to be found. Now, he never leaves me alone.

My 4 friends, who were all close as can be in high school. 2 short years later, they are now all estranged and I only talk to friend 4 now. I have made many other friends, but nothing is as great as that bond we had. The bond that women broke.
I don't even have a girlfriend now, and I'm not worried about it at all. I have more important things to think about.

 

[Sperber]

Well ?m 21 and I have only seven real friends and of those seven four of them are in a relationship with another friend of mine. And I have regular contact with each of them. Of course they want time for themselves but we also go out all together and party! It is just based upon the couple - do they want to have other company as well? Yes, of course. Friends are the most important thing in my life (after family) and they say the same about it. So eyerthing is in order and I value that.
If you really don?t want the friendship to end, then there will be a way to accomplish that! Keep tryin!

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beLIEve

 

[zoomerang II]

Originally posted by HelloAngel:
To be honest, I would kill to have single friends that were available to hang out with...
It's not like I act like I have a boyfriend when I'm out at night - I flirt and meet other guys. Just because I'm not going to snog or shag them doesn't make me less fun.

B]

to be honest that type of behaviour doesn't necessarily endear single people (well me anyway) to want to spend a lot of time with someone who is in a relationship. Why do you have to flirt with them? Why cant you just be friendly towards them? (i know it can be a fine line tho).

I guess I just want someone to flirt with me, and me alone damit!!!!! (and not stop at the flirting, evil wenches)

AM - Sula is absolutely 100% correct about you guys. You are a blast and he doesn't even like U2! I vote AM as having the best marriage around these parts.

Klodomir - that is the funniest thing i have read. Can I join your losers club? The question is, did he marry a goat?

 

[Klodomir]

Originally posted by zoomerang II:
Klodomir - that is the funniest thing i have read. Can I join your losers club? The question is, did he marry a goat?

LOL! We would appreciate it if you would join our club, since we just lost one loser.

No, he didn't marry a goat but a lovely Korean woman. Not ba-a-a-a-a-d!

 

[zoomerang II]

ok send me the application forms, i'm a shoe in!