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Old 05-02-2002, 01:56 PM   #1
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I need serious advice

My father passed away about a month ago. He lived in another state and we rarely saw each other. We became very close in the months before he died and he was able to go with a clear conscience. He had a drug problem for the first 30 years of my life but he was clean for the past 5 years. We had very little contact during his drug years but I always knew he loved me and he always knew I loved him. Here is my problem.

My dad's younger brother is a big time alcoholic. He's obnoxious and rude and no one wants him around. Because of time constraints, I had to leave right after the funeral and couldn't wait to take my dad's ashes home with me. They were given to my uncle (the drunk) who lives near me. We have been planning to take the ashes to the beach and release them at a spot my dad picked before he died. Scheduling has been a problem because of my job but I told my uncle that this weekened would be fine. Apparently he didn't think I was acting fast enough.

I just checked my answering machine and my uncle has left the me the following message:

Quote:
Hey punk...your a punk, just a punk. You never did shit for your dad, my brother. We're getting short on time in this thing and we gotta act quick. Why don't you just let us do this thing, yeah...get some control you punk. Why don't you just shut the fuck up.
I now have no desire to get anywhere near this man, even to go to the beach to spread my dad's ashes. I'm really afraid that it will turn ugly and that's not what I want for my last moment with my dad.

Am I wrong to not go? There was an open casket funeral so I've already said my goodbyes. I just can't handle this man.
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Old 05-02-2002, 02:24 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bono's American Wife:

I just checked my answering machine and my uncle has left the me the following message:

I now have no desire to get anywhere near this man, even to go to the beach to spread my dad's ashes. I'm really afraid that it will turn ugly and that's not what I want for my last moment with my dad.

Am I wrong to not go? There was an open casket funeral so I've already said my goodbyes. I just can't handle this man.

Ultimately it is your decision to make.. but I'll offer my advice. It seems you *have* already made your peace with your father and said goodbye, and at a good place for both of you, as well. So if you feel that you won't be upset with yourself for not doing this, then don't go. It seems he might ruin any ceremony you can have at the beach anyway, and you're right about not wanting that to spoil things for you. You don't need to invite this madman into your life in any ways. Do what you will be able to live with: on one hand, not releasing your fathers ashes, on the other, interacting with this man who seems dangerous and hurtful. Good luck, Bono's American Wife. I hope I helped somehow.

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Old 05-02-2002, 02:57 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bono's American Wife:


Am I wrong to not go?
No. If I were in your shoes I would not go.

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Old 05-02-2002, 02:58 PM   #4
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Haven't you gone through enough lately???
Everyone makes peace with someone who has passed their own way...and it sounds like you already have. You don't want your uncle to ruin that moment for you, so I wouldn't go. If he is offended, so what! He obviously wants to make a scene and to make it much more difficult for you than it already would be. I wouldn't talk to him, take his calls, nothing.
Let us know what you plan to do...
(((((Charlene)))))

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Old 05-02-2002, 04:16 PM   #5
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Charlene, if I may add something. I am NOT defending your uncle, but it seems to me like if you are saying he is an alcholic, then he must've been on one of his binges when he left you that disgusting message. That does not, in any way, excuse him for what he did, but, it may make you feel a tiny bit better (if that's possible) to see that he was just being an asshole to you maybe because he was drunk.

In fact, I think you SHOULD meet him to get your father's ashes. I know I'm going against what everyone else here said, but if it's going to help you get closure by paying tribute to your father, and fulfilling his request, than screw your uncle. He does not have to be involved, maybe you and your sis can go together to pick up the ashes, or you and your husband, and leave your uncle out of it.

Whatever you decide, stay strong, and I'm truly sorry that your uncle did that to you. He's probably in alot of pain as well over the loss of his brother and he's taking it out on you in a terrible way.

(((((hugs)))))))

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Old 05-02-2002, 05:21 PM   #6
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I understand where you're coming from loopy and normally I am the first one in my family to defend my uncle and give him the benefit of the doubt but this is the first time he has personally attacked me.

Yes, he was very drunk when he left that message but I don't take disrespect from anyone and now that my father is gone, I have no reason to have any contact with this guy.

He has problems and he doesn't handle death well. He acted just like this 6 years ago when my grandmother passed away. He took his anger out on my father then and actually punched him out after her funeral.

I think a big problem in my family is that we keep making excuses for him and letting him get away with this behavior with no consequences. I was so hurt earlier today when I heard that message but I'm feeling really strong right now and I think I should be the one to finally tell him "no more bullshit...you can't treat us like crap and try to laugh about it the next time we talk."

He has the ashes and there is no way he will give them to me or my sister because he feels that he has to be the one to carry out my dad's final wishes. My stepmom realizes that she made a mistake by giving him the ashes but she really didn't have a choice because I had to leave before the cremation.

What I am most afraid of happening if I go is that he will say something to insult me and my husband will feel that he has to defend me and they will get into a fight. My husband is an ex-cop and my uncle has made nasty little remarks about this for the entire 14 years we've been together and I've always felt like he's been trying to pick a fight with him. I don't want to give him his wish.

I would love to give my dad a final goodbye but I need to decide when enough is enough. Is it worth the potential trouble? I don't know.
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Old 05-02-2002, 11:07 PM   #7
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Charlene, you can give your dad a final goodbye without this man. (He is not acting like an uncle, so I'm not going to call him that.) In a few weeks, go to your dad's favorite place with your family, or by yourself, and say goodbye. You know in your heart that your dad would not want you hurt by his brother. When you go there, you can say goodbye without worrying about this man or his conduct towards you or your family. Good luck, honey.

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Old 05-02-2002, 11:26 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally posted by martha:
Charlene, you can give your dad a final goodbye without this man. (He is not acting like an uncle, so I'm not going to call him that.) In a few weeks, go to your dad's favorite place with your family, or by yourself, and say goodbye. You know in your heart that your dad would not want you hurt by his brother. When you go there, you can say goodbye without worrying about this man or his conduct towards you or your family. Good luck, honey.

Thanks so much for the great advice Martha I think I will talk to my sister about doing just what you suggested.

I just talked to my stepmom and she is totally fine with me and my sister not going. When I told her what "he" did, she asked us not to go and instead she will send us pictures of when she let her portion of the ashes go at a lake near their house.

She also confessed that she didn't divide the ashes 50/50 like she was supposed, she kept 80% and only gave that idiot 20%...That's why I love her!

So, the bottom line is that the three people my dad loved the most, his wife and his two daughters, have said goodbye and feel just fine about it. And, we also decided that we don't have room in our lives for nasty people so all 3 of us are cutting off contact with him.

I feel really good about my decision and feel like the black cloud over me is starting lift. I'm actually starting to feel happy again!
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Old 05-03-2002, 03:05 AM   #9
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Jesus, I'm sorry but what an ass!

I say stay as far away from him as you can.. you dont want any bad memories regarding your dad and I think you might make some if you have to see your uncle.

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Old 05-03-2002, 03:14 AM   #10
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(((((Charlene))))))

If you made peace with your father, then that is all that matters. Don't let your Uncle ruin things for you and the relationship you had.

Take Care
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Old 05-03-2002, 03:19 AM   #11
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Thank you all so much for your advice. I just called my sister and told her I won't be going. I am going to call my stepmom in Oklahoma later and let her know but I'm sure she'll understand. She already did her half of the ashes at a lake near their home because she couldn't be in California with us but she dislikes my uncle as much as I do so she should be okay with it.

I actually feel like I have some closure now because this thing at the beach seemed like the last act of saying goodbye but now that I'm not going, I really feel relieved, like I can get on with my life.

I'm also going to block my uncle's phone number and write him off as an obnoxious asshole who never contributed anything but drama to my life. I don't need it anymore.

Thanks again to all of you, I really appreciate it.
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Old 05-03-2002, 07:58 AM   #12
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I'm sorry about what you have been through MrsB, your uncle is acting like a fool. Drugs and alcohol can make people get so out of control, it's sad. I was thinking the same as what martha said. Your dad understood your feelings. His girls are the ones he would most want to be at peace. Farewell him in your own beautiful way, when you are ready. There shouldn't be a rush.
(((2U and your sister)))
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Old 05-03-2002, 08:03 AM   #13
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Is there any way to get your father's ashes from your uncle?
It seems that you deserve to spread them more than he does, and if you could obtain them, you could have a ceremony without him.
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