I know this isn't the most appropriate forum...

[wannabe]

...but I am curious for opinions on this piece of poetry I wrote. I posted in "Dream Out Loud" but I didn't get any feedback yet). Sorry for posting this in here!
===============================

itali crest in the set of slave
===============================
lucky for time i was faced with a crash and burn
out of the embers and wreckage came an unsung bird
phoenix looked over a decaying cross and unbalanced tide
and a fearful hermit left earth that night
where cold temperatures suspended moment
and an idiot never wanted to leave
because of bad memory
and things left unexplained
thank you red for leaving a death of a sick sanction of life
unknown realm and unguided trust fresh back of the mind

where i dressed like the bounty
but felt like the hunter
i urged innocence away
lived for then - fade back - but didn't turn
i never fear today
just should have learned to disect better
right on track - broken palms eventually set
wrote to somebodies on broken letters
but virus is not somebody nobodies can get

thank you white for being bold bond
between mouth and beverage - also for taking out the trash

i saw an idol trip
get back up and pass a slip
of acceptance but reason to request change
feared a year and bought a waste
in worries of average with generic taste
where i wasn't top of the crop - just sitting cream

thank you green for bleeding me and letting it all come out the rain
the wounds ignored, infections endured and a chip at the base of perfection

================================

Thanks a lot to anyone who takes the time to read this.

This is probably my favorite piece and I've always wanted to hear anyone's opinions. There is a story behind it, just strange I guess.

I wrote this poem about a friend I met at the movies for a night after work. School, work, and my parents seemed to be driving me to ground. This poem describes the transformation I made that night (around a past Thanksgiving). Because of meeting such an incredible person it opened a realm of things I was thankful for. He made me more appreciative. Thanks again. I have more description about the details if anyone is curious.

 

[SicilianGoddess]

------------------
I Hear Voices, Ridiculous Voices

 

[Calluna]

beautiful

------------------
Remember the goul.

Shake n' bake
Do whatever it takes

 

[foray]

I like your style, wannabe, you seem to string words together without bothering about grammatical structure or logic, but just to get a feeling out of the words placed next to each other.

the wounds ignored, infections endured and a chip at the base of perfection
I like that line, a chip at the base of perfection. Is it a reference to a Hindu story, by any chance? You know how Hindus see no distinction between the supernatural and the physical world, so they regard their statues as the deities themselves. A chip on a statue of a deity would render it useless or imperfect. Something like that, I'm horrible at explaining.

wrote to somebodies on broken letters
but virus is not somebody nobodies can get
This one's interesting.

out of the embers and wreckage came an unsung bird
phoenix looked over a decaying cross and unbalanced tide
I like this one, too.

foray

 

[wannabe]

INTRO: it was the night before thanksgiving, and i had just gotten off of work (the same place my friend, Dan Hunter had worked) wellll...dan and some friends wanted me to meet up with them at the theater by my house. i had had a crap week full of terrible grades, classes, teachers, parents (mine and others), and my friends were cancerously annoying. the last thing after a long night at work i wanted to do was hangout with "some guy" i felt like i had to be nice to just cause he was friendly and very church-going. now i'm not saying anything bad about church goers. cause i've been one myself on-and-off. but i thought he was going to be boring. we saw Toy Story2, it was soooooooooooo funny listening to him and his friends, plus he involved me. great movie, great crowd. it was a night filled with innocent clean fun. but the image that sticks out in my head the most is, he and his friends stealing the movie mylars (like the color see-thru titles above individual screening rooms). then we went outside and they stole more movie things, like small innocent things


itali crest in the set of slave Translation
===============================
lucky for time i was faced with a crash and burn
crash and burn = bad variables surrounding my life at the time
out of the embers and wreckage came an unsung bird
dan was the phoenix
phoenix looked over a decaying cross and unbalanced tide
him looking over a decaying cross and unbalanced tide = him watching out for me as i was agnostic and confused (unbalanced tide, the ocean was always my relief, and being in ohio i was far from it)
and a fearful hermit left earth that night
i was the fearful hermit leaving earth that night, like i traveled to a different type of worldy understanding
where cold temperatures suspended moment
the cold temps were cause it was frickin cold
and an idiot never wanted to leave
and i was that idiot who never wanted the night to end, or leave that theater, or quit laughing like i had for the first time in a while. that was me
because of bad memory
cause the bad memories i didn't want to return, and i thought the moment i was in was the best security i had felt in a while
and things left unexplained
the unexplained were future fears to come

red white and green = the italian crest
in the set of slave = idle mode, just walking in the fast lane of life

that night was so pleasant, so refreshing. everything seemed to occur ten-fold it's natural state. the italian crest came in my mind that night at the movies cause i was thinging about all things pleasant. a bright green italian racer was one of the thoughts that crossed my mind. the crest was ultrabright
thank you red for leaving a death of a sick sanction of life
red leaving = fresh blood coming
unknown realm and unguided trust fresh back of the mind
the unknown
where i dressed like the bounty
bounty = vulnerable
but felt like the hunter
hunter = control
i urged innocence away
innocence was the worries of being caught stealing by the movie police that patrolled. but thinking that i was hanging with such a clean crown they wouldn't think anything of it
lived for then - fade back - but didn't turn
lived for then = the moment
fade back - but didn't turn = the crappy week i just had
i never fear today
today was welcome in my book : )
just should have learned to disect better
sarcastic tone towards my over-analyzing
right on track - broken palms eventually set
right on track = the path i had been taking before that night. broken palms eventually set = me previously always just settling for the minimum, like accepting a crap week, but taking no initiative til that evening
wrote to somebodies on broken letters
wrote to somebodies on broken letters = me wasting time the past month writing long lame-ass letters to anyone willing to listen
but virus is not somebody nobodies can get
but virus is not somebody nobodies can get = virus equals me, feeding myself (a nobody) the same old crap and eating it, like accepting a role when i controlled my outcome

white = the lights of the theater bright and unweilding
thank you white for being bold bond
between mouth and beverage - also for taking out the trash
being bold bond = confidence
between mouth and beverage = making me stand up and take a look around at others besdies me me me
also, taking out the trash = cleaning up a negative mind

i saw an idol trip
get back up and pass a slip
idol = dan
get back up...= no worries
of acceptance but reason to request change
acceptance but reason to request change = understanding that life sucks, but life is also the greatest thing around. it was my prerogative to choose the way i wanted to live
feared a year and bought a waste
feared a year = useless paranoia over petty highschool issues
in worries of average with generic taste
worries in average with generic taste = petty issues
where i wasn't top of the crop - just sitting cream
wasn't top of the crop = not a significant case study of an extraordinary pressured teen
sitting cream = i'm like every other teenager feeling the same things, get over it


green was the color of that italian racer with the ultracolored crest
thank you green for bleeding me and letting it all come out the rain
bleeding = coming of age
coming out in the rain = a "shawshank redemption" feeling of newfound freedom
the wounds ignored, infections endured and a chip at the base of perfection
wounds ignored = useless past worry crap ignored
infections endured = taking whatever life deals me and making the best of it
and a chip at the base of perfection = me just realizing the start of things to come, like the chip was minor, i could make a lot more mars, marks, and abrasions on the life i once sought as "perfect". it was perfect already. i was ready to live

Thank you Sicy, Calluna, Foray, and LikeO2! - Matt

[This message has been edited by wannabe (edited 09-30-2001).]

 

[Like O2]

Originally posted by wannabe:

thank you green for bleeding me and letting it all come out the rain
the wounds ignored, infections endured and a chip at the base of perfection

Thanks for sharing this with us, Matt. It's wonderful and quite moving. My favorite line is above......many are the days when I'm waiting for it all to come out in the rain.

I'm glad it did for you!