How To Destroy The Dreaded Christmas Fruitcake! - U2 Feedback

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Old 12-22-2001, 08:56 AM   #1
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How To Destroy The Dreaded Christmas Fruitcake!

Has anyone ever gotten one for Christmas? Thankfully, I haven't-but I thought this was pretty funny.


Fruitcakes Face Machine-Gun Fire


RENO, Nev. (Reuters) - Drop it from a tall building? Hardly a scratch. Shoot it with a submachine gun? It survives.

But run it over with a sport utility vehicle or kick it like a football and it crumbles, according to a just published investigation into that evergreen Christmas question: How can you get rid of the fruitcake?

The Reno Gazette-Journal, in an effort to rid its readers' homes of the unloved seasonal treat, mounted a series of experiments to determine the best way to destroy a gift ``nearly everyone receives and few actually want.''

``The SUV was what did them in most definitively,'' Camille Hayes, the Gazette-Journal reporter who organized the fruitcake survival test, said on Thursday.

Hayes marshaled several aides and, using store-bought fruitcakes, organized the punishment.

The first test involved dropping fruitcakes from the roof of a two-story house onto a concrete basketball court.

``In the moments before it was let fly, our team wondered if the fruitcake would shatter, bounce or remain intact. The answer was none of the above,'' Hayes recounted.

Instead, the cake survived the drop relatively unscathed, exhibiting only a few ``fissures'' in its dense body.

The second test involved running over a fruitcake with a 3,000-pound sport utility vehicle. This proved to be more effective, leaving a ``tire-marked, raisin-flecked smear on the asphalt,'' Hayes wrote.

A third test, submitting the fruitcake to the power of a football place kicker, was also gratifying, resulting in an explosion of candied fruit as the fruitcake disintegrated.

Strangely, a uniquely Nevada-style solution to the fruitcake problem -- shooting them with submachine guns -- proved disappointing, Hayes said. ``Nevada is a state in which machine guns are legal to own and operate, so I thought it would be a treat to see what one did,'' Hayes said.

Not much, as it turned out. Pummeling a pair of target fruitcakes with two M-11 fully automatic submachine guns resulted in only minor damage, Hayes reported.

``The larger cake proved especially resilient. Rather than shattering it into the smithereens we had expected, the volley of bullets merely nibbled at its edges. And as for the dark center of the beast, it proved too dense to lose its shape.''

Hayes said her fruitcake demolition campaign had garnered largely favorable reviews from the readers of the Reno Gazette, and that she might try again next year with some more ambitious strategies -- like dropping fruitcakes from a helicopter.





[This message has been edited by Gina Marie (edited 12-22-2001).]
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Old 12-22-2001, 09:14 AM   #2
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Never got one in my life and hope I never do!
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Old 12-22-2001, 11:09 AM   #3
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*wants to insert a small ammount of C4 into a fruitcake and watch the resulting explosion upon detonation...*
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Old 12-22-2001, 11:16 AM   #4
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never tasted one.....are they really that bad?

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Old 12-22-2001, 09:02 PM   #5
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Hmm...what about

-freezing it in liquid nitrogen and dropping it?

-exposing it to a canister of liquid oxygen?
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Old 12-22-2001, 09:24 PM   #6
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Oddly enough, I don't celebrate Christmas (I'm a Jehovah's Witness) but I really like fruitcake!

I also like Brussels sprouts, turkey, and eggnog.

Maybe the fact that I don't celebrate Christmas but still enjoy these foods is related??



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Old 12-22-2001, 09:32 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally posted by U2002revolution!:
never tasted one.....are they really that bad?

Most of them are pretty horrible.....dry, hard, tasteless cake with lumps of gummy, sticky, sickly-sweet gellied-fruit in it. However, my mother makes a tasty one
(in fact she's in the kitchen mixing one up as I type). Oooohhhhh boy! Anyone care for a slice?

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Old 12-22-2001, 09:48 PM   #8
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Oh, I do,lol! I know someone who loves them. If anyone has a spare, I'll take it!

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Old 12-22-2001, 10:04 PM   #9
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One year in literally broke my garbage disposal.

Dropping a daisy bomb on it might be the only way to fully destroy it.
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Old 12-22-2001, 10:14 PM   #10
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What is there to like about fruit cake? It's as dense as clay.
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Old 12-23-2001, 02:24 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by pub crawler:
What is there to like about fruit cake? It's as dense as clay.
NO! They're yummy! They just need to be a bit moist. What's wrong with a dense cake? They're supposed to be like that!

I like the dark kind. I'm not too familiar with light fruitcake.



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Old 12-23-2001, 10:19 AM   #12
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Actually you can use the fruitcake as a spare tire if you ever actually get a flat tire.
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Old 12-23-2001, 10:32 AM   #13
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Old 12-23-2001, 11:04 AM   #14
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ugh *convulses uncontrollably* fruitcake!

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Old 12-23-2001, 11:47 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally posted by scatteroflight:
What's wrong with a dense cake? They're supposed to be like that!
To each their own. haha, fruitcake...blech!!!

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