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Old 12-14-2007, 12:22 PM   #31
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Old 12-14-2007, 12:26 PM   #32
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HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
by Dr. Suess

Every Who
Down in Who-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...

But the Grinch,
Who lived just North of Who-ville,
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his shoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistleoe wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Who girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast-beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of the Who-Christmas-Sing
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a reindeer..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...?
No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Max. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of his head.

THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshakle sleigh
And he hitched up old Max.

Then the Grinch said, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the Whos
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Grinchy Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Who stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Whos' feast!
He took the Who-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Who-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!
Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.

The Grinch had been caught by this little Who daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent he to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou Who went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of food
The he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.


Then
He did the same thing
To the other Whos' houses

Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Whos' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Whos, still a-bed
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Who-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch carved the roast beast!


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Old 12-14-2007, 12:27 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally posted by RedrocksU2
I Calvin and Hobbs!!!

((I have the whole book collection))
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Old 12-14-2007, 12:28 PM   #34
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You'd better not bark
You'd better not bite,
You'd better not scratch
The sofa tonight,
Santa Paws is coming to town........
You'd better not growl,
You'd better just purr,
You'd better not howl
Or shed lotsa fur,
Santa Paws is coming to town.....

He sees you in the kitchen,
He sees your every try
At secretively snitchin'
The very last piece of pie...

You'd better just know
The greeting he sends,
He's saying "Ho Ho"
To all his Best Friends,
Santa Paws is coming to town!

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Old 12-14-2007, 12:30 PM   #35
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"Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas
trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical
devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one
in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it
on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas
trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it
in the back of your pickup truck.

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Old 12-14-2007, 12:31 PM   #36
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"Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man"

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the
lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of
its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its
'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.


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Old 12-14-2007, 12:33 PM   #37
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Santa Will Be De-Layed (mature content)

It s Christmas Eve and Santa arrives at this beautiful young woman s apartment. She takes one look at Santa and decides that she needs to make love to Santa.

She say s “Oh Santa, won't you stay the night? Santa replies, “HO, HO, HO, Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know.

The young woman tries to tempt Santa again by letting down her long silky hair and begs, “Oh Santa, now won't you stay? Santa again replies, “HO, HO, HO, Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know.

The young woman tries one last time. This time she opens her house robe and reveals her beautiful body. She then asks, “Oh Santa, won't you please stay. Santa, now becoming aroused, replies, “Hey, Hey, Hey, Gotta Stay! Gotta Stay! Won't fit up the chimney THIS way!

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Old 12-14-2007, 01:25 PM   #38
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One of my all-time favs:

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Old 12-14-2007, 04:16 PM   #39
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:16 PM   #40
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:24 PM   #41
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:26 PM   #42
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:31 PM   #43
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1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.



2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.



3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays.

Ask if he would mind watering your plants.



4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.

Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.



5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy

when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!



6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that

say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"



7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called

and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his

way home.



8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.

Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.



9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes

back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment,

and take off.



10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note

that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale

cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says,

"For Santa".



11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa

arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always

return to the scene of the crime."



12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and

corrections.



13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.



14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.



15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with

unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.



16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.



17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house,

go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled."

Threaten to sue.



18. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:33 PM   #44
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:36 PM   #45
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