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Old 02-18-2002, 05:58 PM   #1
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Hilarious movie condensations

ok, if you haven't seen this hilarious site...you really need to go check it out. It's called movie-a-minute and has realllly funny "ultra" condensations of movie plots. (big props to manda for pointing me to the sister site books-a-minute which is also terribly funny. )
http://www.rinkworks.com/movieaminute/

Some examples...

The Matrix
Directed by Andy and Larry Wachowski
1999
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker

Keanu Reeves: Hey everybody, look! Look at me! I'm in a movie that doesn't suck!

Audience: GASP!

Keanu Reeves: Yes, it's true! Not only that, despite my total lack of acting ability, I very nearly didn't suck in this movie!

Audience: (faints)

THE END


Return of the Jedi
Directed by Richard Marquand
1983
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard

Darth Vader: Luke, come to the dark side.

Luke: No.

Darth Vader: Your goodness has redeemed me. Die, emperor scum.

THE END


Interview With the Vampire
Directed by Neil Jordan
1994
Ultra-Condensed by Thomas Danemar

Brad Pitt:I don't want to suck blood from humans.

Tom Cruise:Yes you do.

Brad Pitt: You're right.

THE END


Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Directed by Stanley Kubrick
1964
Ultra-Condensed by Bryan Flynn

Oops.

THE END
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Old 02-18-2002, 08:11 PM   #2
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Old 02-18-2002, 08:34 PM   #3
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LMAO!!!! I love these!

Citizen Kane
Directed by Orson Welles
1941
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard

Orson Welles: Rosebud. (dies)

Reporter: What does it mean?

Everybody Else: We don't know.

THE END

Jaws
Directed by Steven Spielberg
1975
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker

Roy Scheider: There's a big shark in the water. Close the beaches.

Murray Hamilton: No way. Your evidence is inconclusive. Clean the dead people off the beach to make room for the tourists.

(Some SCARY MUSIC rings out, and a BIG FAT GUY gets EATEN.)

Robert Shaw: I'm tough and grim. (shark eats him)

Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss: Take that. (shark dies)

THE END

Titanic
Directed by James Cameron
1997
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard

Leonardo DiCaprio: Your social class is stuffy. Let's dance with the ship's rats and have fun.

Kate Winslet: You have captured my heart. Let's run around the ship and giggle.

(The ship SINKS.)

Leonardo DiCaprio: Never let go.

Kate Winslet: I promise. (lets go)

THE END



------------------
"This is very un-hip, you know, having the bleeding heart here...I've a reputation to live down to." -Bono

Create Light, Create Unity, Create Joy, CREATE PEACE!
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Old 02-18-2002, 08:54 PM   #4
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The Godfather
Directed by Francis Ford Coppola


Marlon Brando: Those who cross the family must be punished. (almost dies) (dies)

Al Pacino: I'll run the family business straight now, after I kill all these people.


THE END




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But there's peace in the sound
Of the white and the black
Spilling over


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Old 02-18-2002, 09:00 PM   #5
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Good Will Hunting
Directed by Gus Van Sant
1997

Matt Damon: I'm smart, but so what? Let's start fights and pick up chicks.

Robin Williams: If you push people away, they can't be close to you.

Matt Damon: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP you fixed me thank you I love you. (cries)

THE END
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Old 02-18-2002, 11:03 PM   #6
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Gone With the Wind
Directed by Victor Fleming
1939
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


Scarlett O'Hara
I'm a whiny little brat, but my will is like iron. Watch my eyes flare.
Rhett Butler
I don't give a damn.
Audience
Gasp! We've never heard anything so depraved in our lives!


THE END
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Old 02-19-2002, 07:50 AM   #7
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Days later Im still loving these.

Empire Strikes Back

Luke: I have to go to Dagobah.
Yoda:You have to use the force.
Luke:I have to go to Cloud City.
Darth Vader:You have to go to the dark side.
Luke:No I don't.
Darth Vader:I'm your father.
Luke:No you're not.
Darth Vader:Fine, I'll cut off your hand.

--------------------
When Harry Met Sally

Sally
I hate you.
Harry
That's your problem.
Sally
I think I love you.
Harry
I might love you.
Sally
I hate you.
Harry
Please don't.
Sally
I love you.
Harry
I love you too.



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Old 02-19-2002, 12:39 PM   #8
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me too, manda.

Mission: Impossible II
Directed by John Woo

Cast: Hi. We're--

John Woo: Enough plot development. Fight in slow motion.

(People SHOOT and pull their FACES off.)

THE END


Patton
Directed by Franklin J. Schaffner

Patton FIGHTS brilliantly. Patton gets in TROUBLE with Eisenhower.
Patton FIGHTS brilliantly. Patton gets in TROUBLE with Eisenhower.
Patton FIGHTS brilliantly. Patton gets in TROUBLE with Eisenhower.
Patton FIGHTS brilliantly. Patton gets in TROUBLE with Eisenhower.

THE END


Desperado
Directed by Robert Rodriguez

Antonio Banderas: They killed my woman and jacked up my hand. I will kill them for that.

(He meets Salma Hayek, and she is HOT. He kills people, and it is COOL.)

Antonio Banderas: No more killing. Unless there is a sequel.

THE END
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Old 02-19-2002, 06:23 PM   #9
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Quentin Tarantino
I'm so messed up.
George Clooney
I like you, but shut up. Harvey Keitel, help us.
Harvey Keitel
I'll help, but with righteous indignance.
Robert Rodriguez
That's enough character development. Now mow down these vampires.


THE END


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Keepin it krunk...


There's only room for one and here she comes, here she comes...
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Old 02-19-2002, 09:17 PM   #10
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These are great!

Sixth Sense
Haley Joel Osment: I see dead people.
Bruce Willis: Try talking to them.
Haley Joel Osment: It worked.

THE END


Analyse This
Robert De Niro CRIES, and it is FUNNY.

THE END
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Old 02-19-2002, 09:44 PM   #11
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LOL!!

Top Gun
Directed by Tony Scott

1986

Ultra-Condensed by Rob Irwin


(There are LOTS of JETS.)

Tom Cruise:

I am handsome and cool.

Val Kilmer:

No, I am handsome and cool.

(They get all moody with each other.)

Tom Cruise:

I almost got you killed, so now we're friends.

Val Kilmer:

Yes. I like you.

THE END


------------------
Show a little faith
There's magic in the night
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Old 02-20-2002, 06:19 AM   #12
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I thought this was funny enuff to go in my signature...


------------------
JFK
Directed by Oliver Stone
1991
Ultra-Condensed by Richard Easter

Kevin Costner: Does anyone have any idea what's going on?
Oliver Stone: I do.
Kevin Costner: Tell us, then.
Oliver Stone: Shan't.

THE END
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