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Old 04-22-2003, 04:00 AM   #16
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Dear Transcendental in Tokyo

Your beau seems more like a baboon than a mandrill... maybe he is possessive of his snake and his material items. If you invade his territory he will throw stuff as you say, even if he initially accepts his disposition... solution: superglue your belongings to the floor... oh what a big red ass he will soon become when he tries to heave things again. I hope things work out in your favor.

Raggedy Rant (filling in for Agony Ant since he seems to be out to lunch)...

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Old 04-22-2003, 04:04 AM   #17
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Dear Agony Ant,

I am having problems with my toaster. When I tried to access the information super highway, I took the wrong exit and found myself in an Elmer's Craft Bond factory in Columbus, Ohio. As you know, Ohio is the home of mass-produced pigmy marmosets and the world's largest prime meridian. As a citizen of Micronesia, I was outraged by the actions of Stanley Bowman on March 6, 1972 during the Great Ketchup Riots in Lemvig, Denmark which resulted in the creation of the nation-states of Cyprus and Turkmenistan. Only in Denmark could such a thing happen! I am asking for your assistance in finding the most humane and superficial way to address the needs of the giant hipster pandas of northern Peru who have been persecuted by the Coucous Farmers Alliance. Should I pre-heat my postage stamp to 4:16pm EST or join the teaming masses of posthumous mathematicians? Your attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.

--Enchanted in St. John County

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Enhanced in St. John County, I believe this is a conspiracy. Your toaster is beaming mindwaves into cyberspace, thus altering the time-space continuum so as to throw you off the scent. This ties in with the Dutch Tulip Epidemic of 1973, which also caused mass combustion of toaster oven appliances, thus dramatically slashing the value of postage stamps and causing the irreversible collapse of the Peruvian economy.

I trust this is of assistance.

Until next week, this is your Agony Ant, alive on six legs.
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Old 04-22-2003, 04:10 AM   #18
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PS, 'raggedy rant', the Agony Ant never sleeps. We see all and hear all, from our mountain aerie. Glitter Grrrrrrl.
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Old 04-22-2003, 04:22 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally posted by Zedbetty
PS, 'raggedy rant', the Agony Ant never sleeps. We see all and hear all, from our mountain aerie. Glitter Grrrrrrl.


Good to see... I am an inadequate putz.
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Old 04-22-2003, 06:13 AM   #20
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Dear Auntie Agoni, why is he avoiding me? Do I smell?


fraudulent fossil in antarktika
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Old 04-22-2003, 09:05 AM   #21
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Dear Fraudulent Frazzle in Antartakkkka: No, you do not smell. That leaves only about ten million other possible reasons as to why 'he' may be avoiding you, including the possibility that 'he' is not actually 'avoiding' you. As this is a blackly humourous although vicious advice column, I do not feel qualified to say any more.

Until next week, this is the Agony Ant, alive and squealing gucci little piggy (god loves his children yeah).
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Old 04-22-2003, 09:34 AM   #22
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Agony Ant, what have you got against horses? How do they mark time? Answer me or I'll ransom your pet rock!

And go to bed, its late.

Weirdo in Western Suburbs

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Old 04-22-2003, 09:53 AM   #23
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Dear Westie in Woolamaloo: I have nothing against horses. Horses are delightful creatures. They run and frolic, and run... and, er, frolic. Delightful. Horses mark time by the sun. The sun beams messages into their brains, telling them the time at any given moment. For this reason, horses are never late. Except for the Fabulous Mr Ed, and we all know what was in his nosebag, don't we?

Until next week, this is your Agony Ant, alive and crawling on six legs while bleeding from every orifice.
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Old 04-22-2003, 10:12 AM   #24
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Ok, Ant, i'm not really drunk and confused from sydney, I'm a freelance correspondant. My real problem is, I think I have Clarice Syndrome. I am reporting an internation crime ring, run by a man known as Big Ronnie.

I have fallen in love with him and want to have his friends for lunch. I hate fava beans though. What can I cook for them?

Yours,
Destitute in Esk
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Old 04-22-2003, 02:11 PM   #25
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agony ant,

we appreciate what you do for us.

now,

what can we do for you?

~alive in altona
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Old 04-22-2003, 05:55 PM   #26
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you stole my question, soon to be dead in altona

dear agony ant,

how can i punish the thief without hailing?

mad in michigan
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Old 04-22-2003, 06:21 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally posted by Stories for Boys
you stole my question, soon to be dead in altona

dear agony ant,

how can i punish the thief without hailing?

mad in michigan
clever!

*applause

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Old 04-22-2003, 06:37 PM   #28
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*pokes agony ant with stick*


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Old 04-23-2003, 06:25 AM   #29
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Dear Agony Aunt,
Is Zed Betty's avatar smoking?
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Old 04-23-2003, 09:34 AM   #30
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You should know that the Agony Ant has never smoked. Much.
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