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Old 05-31-2006, 04:12 AM   #106
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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So. . . what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said,

"I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks,lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time,and is faithful. That's what I wish for, a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said,"Let me see that f*cking map!"
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Old 05-31-2006, 04:14 AM   #107
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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when ,all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." POOF her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess. "POOF! She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh can you change him into a handsome prince and make him my husband?" she asks.

POOF! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone she could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten.

With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
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Old 05-31-2006, 04:15 AM   #108
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SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),

THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
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Old 05-31-2006, 04:19 AM   #109
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?












Fsh.







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Old 05-31-2006, 04:36 AM   #110
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men
will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."
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Old 05-31-2006, 11:31 AM   #111
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Three construction workers are sitting high atop a building eating lunch. The brunette opens his lunchbox to find a baloney sandwich. "Baloney again!! I'm so sick of baloney! I swear if my wife gives me baloney one more time I'll jump off this building and kill myself!" The redhead opens his lunch box to find tuna. "Tuna again! I hate tuna! If I get tuna once more, I will also jump off this building and kill myself!" The blonde opens his lunchbox to find peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter and jelly again!!!! I hate peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly once more I will jump off this building and kill myself!"
The next day, the brunette opens his lunchbox only to find baloney again, so he stands up screaming and jumps off the building to his death. The redhead opens his lunch and finds tuna again, and he also jumps from the building to his death. The blonde opens his lunchbox and finds peanut butter and jelly, and he too, jumps from the building to his death.
A week later a memorial service is held for the 3 construction workers and the 3 wives are crying. The brunettes wife says "If only I had known how much he hated baloney, my dear husband would be alive today." The redheads wife says "I never knew my husband hated tuna, if I'd only known I would never have packed that sandwich." The blondes wife just sits quietly not saying a word when she realizes the other wives are looking at her expectantly. "What? Don't look at me. My husband packed his own lunch!"
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Old 05-31-2006, 04:01 PM   #112
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Why hasn't U2 found what they're looking for?













Because the Streets Have No Names..
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Old 05-31-2006, 04:05 PM   #113
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Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing

What do you call a person with lepersy in a bath tub? Stew.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?

# Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
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Old 05-31-2006, 04:06 PM   #114
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Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs



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Old 05-31-2006, 04:09 PM   #115
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Why doesn't Smoky the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel!

omg...I'm killing myself
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Old 05-31-2006, 05:11 PM   #116
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Quote:
Originally posted by SunBloc
Why hasn't U2 found what they're looking for?













Because the Streets Have No Names..
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Old 05-31-2006, 05:20 PM   #117
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dismantled

# Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
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Old 05-31-2006, 07:47 PM   #118
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Good ones!


OK, I need a winner!

Please post one choice as the winner of the 30 iTune downloads!

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Old 05-31-2006, 08:58 PM   #119
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is this limited to U.S. residents only, or worldwide competition?
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Old 05-31-2006, 08:58 PM   #120
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Anyone that posts here Lila.
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