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Old 05-28-2006, 03:07 AM   #61
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A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works . " I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer. "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks . . "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Old 05-28-2006, 03:10 AM   #62
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly 8:00 a.m.
The next day at 8:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman from the assembly line, throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pull's himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.............Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles"
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Old 05-28-2006, 03:15 AM   #63
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While grocery shopping....

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says "do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says..."My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
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Old 05-28-2006, 03:19 AM   #64
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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.

They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So, the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
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Old 05-28-2006, 03:20 AM   #65
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~I have more but it's time for bed

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Old 05-28-2006, 04:16 AM   #66
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Quote:
Originally posted by fah
A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works . " I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer. "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks . . "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

this one is great!

never tease tired women..
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Old 05-28-2006, 06:52 PM   #67
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus".
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Old 05-28-2006, 08:46 PM   #68
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A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.


The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.


The next day, the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains ! where it could run wild.


Headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE


The Bishop was buried the next day.
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Old 05-28-2006, 09:56 PM   #69
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A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."
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Old 05-29-2006, 12:29 AM   #70
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These are all great! Keep them coming
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Old 05-29-2006, 01:11 AM   #71
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On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when
one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die,"she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time.
No one moves.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps . . . .
He whispers . . . .
"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
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Old 05-29-2006, 01:21 AM   #72
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A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.
As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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Old 05-29-2006, 12:06 PM   #73
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These are great!! Keep them coming!!
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Old 05-29-2006, 01:24 PM   #74
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Here's the exercise program I am using to get in shape for the summer. You
might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more
proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

** ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.**

SCROLL DOWN...


























































































































NOW SCROLL UP... Feel the burn
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Old 05-29-2006, 02:14 PM   #75
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