First Annual Blue Crack Joke Contest!

[Dismantled]

Six Feet Under The Sheets

Kathy was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. “Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?”

“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk; he isn’t going to notice you here with me.” The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Kathy, so he trusted her advice.
Sure enough, Kathy’s husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

“Honey!” he yelled. “What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!”

“Dear, you’re so drunk, you can’t count. If you don’t believe me, count them again.”

The husband got out of bed, and counted. “One, two, three, and four… By gosh, you’re right, dear!”

 

[U2SavesTheWorld]

i didnt even read through this thread but here is my joke


what is a boomerang that doesnt come back?

a stick

 

[RedRocksU2]

 

[waynetravis]

boy1 : "Wanna Hear a dirty joke?"
boy2 : "Sure." *Giggles*
boy1 : "A white horse fell in a mud puddle. Wanna hear a clean joke?"
boy2 : "OK, i guess ..."
boy1 : "Then it fell in a lake."

 

[WildHoneyAlways]

Re: Re: Re: First Annual Blue Crack Joke Contest!

Remember..........only Blue Crack addicts will vote on the winner.

Such discrimination.

 

[waynetravis]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

 

[RedRocksU2]

Re: Re: Re: Re: First Annual Blue Crack Joke Contest!

Such discrimination.

As starter of this thread, I would like to add "I've Never" colleagues to be included as Judges in the voting!

Make it so!

 

[U2SavesTheWorld]

You KNOW I just won.

 

[RedRocksU2]

boy1 : "Wanna Hear a dirty joke?"
boy2 : "Sure." *Giggles*
boy1 : "A white horse fell in a mud puddle. Wanna hear a clean joke?"
boy2 : "OK, i guess ..."
boy1 : "Then it fell in a lake."

 

[waynetravis]

think you can do better, Carlos?

 

[RedRocksU2]

I know a "yo momma" joke.

 

[waynetravis]

go on then

you might win yourself some itunes music!!

 

[bono_man2002]

Woman (Looking Into Mirror) : I feel fat and ugly, I could really use a compliment about now....

Man: Your eyesight is perfect

 

[bonocomet]

What do you call a fly with no wings?













a walk.

 

[Tania]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah.

Michael, do you have a story to share?" Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f#ck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

 

[Tania]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So. . . what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said,

"I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks,lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time,and is faithful. That's what I wish for, a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said,"Let me see that f*cking map!"

 

[Tania]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when ,all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." POOF her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess. "POOF! She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh can you change him into a handsome prince and make him my husband?" she asks.

POOF! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone she could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten.

With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

 

[Tania]

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),

THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

 

[bonocomet]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?












Fsh.

 

[Tania]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men
will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

 

[bonocomet]

Three construction workers are sitting high atop a building eating lunch. The brunette opens his lunchbox to find a baloney sandwich. "Baloney again!! I'm so sick of baloney! I swear if my wife gives me baloney one more time I'll jump off this building and kill myself!" The redhead opens his lunch box to find tuna. "Tuna again! I hate tuna! If I get tuna once more, I will also jump off this building and kill myself!" The blonde opens his lunchbox to find peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter and jelly again!!!! I hate peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly once more I will jump off this building and kill myself!"
The next day, the brunette opens his lunchbox only to find baloney again, so he stands up screaming and jumps off the building to his death. The redhead opens his lunch and finds tuna again, and he also jumps from the building to his death. The blonde opens his lunchbox and finds peanut butter and jelly, and he too, jumps from the building to his death.
A week later a memorial service is held for the 3 construction workers and the 3 wives are crying. The brunettes wife says "If only I had known how much he hated baloney, my dear husband would be alive today." The redheads wife says "I never knew my husband hated tuna, if I'd only known I would never have packed that sandwich." The blondes wife just sits quietly not saying a word when she realizes the other wives are looking at her expectantly. "What? Don't look at me. My husband packed his own lunch!"

 

[SunBloc]

Why hasn't U2 found what they're looking for?













Because the Streets Have No Names..

 

[Dismantled]

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing

What do you call a person with lepersy in a bath tub? Stew.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?

# Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

 

[Dismantled]

Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs

 

[Dismantled]

Why doesn't Smoky the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel!

omg...I'm killing myself

 

[Carek1230]

Why hasn't U2 found what they're looking for?













Because the Streets Have No Names..

 

[waynetravis]

# Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

 

[RedRocksU2]

Good ones!


OK, I need a winner!

Please post one choice as the winner of the 30 iTune downloads!

 

[Lila64]

is this limited to U.S. residents only, or worldwide competition?

 

[RedRocksU2]

Anyone that posts here Lila.