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Old 06-08-2006, 12:11 AM   #166
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Why did the mushroom always get invited to all the best parties?















Because he was a fungi.
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Old 06-08-2006, 01:30 AM   #167
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My cousin told me this one a few years ago, cause I love Forrest Gump so much

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd! be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
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Old 06-08-2006, 01:36 AM   #168
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There are two blonde jokes I really like, but I can't tell the first one because you'd need visuals...maybe I'll record myself and put it on Youtube

But the other one


A blonde goes into Sears and tells the man working there that she would like to buy the dish washer sitting over there. The man says, "I'm sorry miss, I can't sell that to you."

The blonde leaves very angry because she believes that he only refused to sell it to her because she was a blonde.

The next day she goes to Sears, but has died her hair brunette. Again the same man is working, and again she asks to buy the Dishwasher. The man says, "I know you're the blonde, and I still can't sell this to you."

The blonde leaves even angrier than she was the day before.

The next day she returns, this time dying her hair black. Yet again the same man is working, and yet again she asks to buy the dishwasher. The man says, "Look, I still see that you're the blonde, and I still can't sell you this." The blonde finally losses her temper, and says, "Listen, just because I'm a blonde, doesn't mean I'm stupid, I can use a dishwasher, now would you please sell it to me." Finally the man says, " Listen lady, I can't sell you the dishwasher, because THIS is a microwave."


ok the joke's kinda dumb, but I like it
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Old 06-08-2006, 01:44 AM   #169
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A blonde walks up to the counter in a library and says "I'd like to order a cheeseburger, large fries, and a coke please." The very puzzled librarian says to her, "I'm sorry miss but this is a library."
"OH! I'm so sorry!" says the blonde. And she whispers ... "I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries, and a coke please."
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Old 06-09-2006, 12:51 PM   #170
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,
surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that
he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and
moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......


"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
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Old 06-09-2006, 03:26 PM   #171
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So this penguin is driving and all of the sudden, BAM, car breaks down. He is able to drive it to a repair shop and the mechanic says he'll take a look, but it will probably be a while. So the penguins, like, "Whatever. I'll wait."

So wait he does.

After a couple of hours he tells the mechanic he's going to take a walk as he's getting hungry as well as stir crazy. The mechanic says, "OK, sounds good. I'll take a look at your car while you do that. By the time you get back, we should know what's what." The penguins like, "Cool," and he starts walking.

After a few minutes of walking, the penguin comes upon an ice cream shop, and he's psyched, cause he loves ice cream. I mean, he's a penguin, of course he loves ice cream. So he orders a large vanilla cone and starts walking back to the mechanic.

Now penguins don't have thumbs, so eating an ice cream cone is a messy affair. By the time the penguin gets back to the mechanic he's got ice cream all over is face and hands, dripping off him. He's a mess.

The mechanic is just finishing up checking out the penguins car and he turns to the penguin as he's walking up and says, "Hey buddy, looks like you blew a seal."

And the penguin says, "Oh, no. That's just ice cream."
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Old 06-09-2006, 03:30 PM   #172
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tania
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rainforest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you !"

So the koala looks down at him and says:





"Fuuuuuck, dude ......... how much water did you drink ??!"

HAHAHA. Good one.
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Old 06-09-2006, 04:04 PM   #173
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tania
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."


I liked yours too ThoraSEB

Keep the laughs coming everyone
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Old 06-10-2006, 02:37 AM   #174
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tania
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rainforest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you !"

So the koala looks down at him and says:





"Fuuuuuck, dude ......... how much water did you drink ??!"


Winner!
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Old 06-11-2006, 12:59 AM   #175
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A man owns a Rottweiler. An old woman lives next door to him, and she owns a rabbit.

One day, the man catches his Rottweiler jumping over the fence into the old woman's backyard. The man chases after the dog, running around the fence and through the gate into the old woman's backyard. He gets into the yard and sees the dog - who all the while is 'wuff-wuff'-ing and growling - sitting still on the ground underneath a tree pawing at said ground, and there are obviously small piles of dirt around the dog now as a result, almost as if the dog were digging for something. As the man gets closer to the dog, he sees that rather than just pawing at the ground, the dog is pawing at another animal. As the man gets closer still, he sees the other animal is indeed the old woman's rabbit, bloody from the dog's attack. As he kneels down to check the rabbit, the man realizes to his horror that his dog has killed the old woman's rabbit and was instinctively trying to cover it up.

Seeing the old woman's car is gone and realizing that she's not home, the man frantically picks up the dead rabbit, gets his dog on his feet, and runs both of them back to his own house. He washes the blood off the rabbit, dries it off, locks the dog inside, and runs back to the old woman's house. The door is unlocked, so he goes inside, finds the rabbit's cage, and puts the rabbit in. He quickly returns to his own house, not knowing what to expect. Would the old woman ever know that he or his dog were involved?

Several hours later, the man heards a very loud, piercing scream coming from the old woman's house. The man hurries over to her house, thinking that showing concern might pre-emptively rid her of any suspicion regarding him. He knocks on her door. Seconds later, the door opens and the old woman is standing there, shaking, looking positively terrified.

"What's wrong?! I heard you screaming, is everything ok?!", the man asks, obvious concern in his voice.

"No, everything is not ok," she replies, wiping a tear off her face, "My rabbit died yesterday night, and I buried her in my backyard this morning before I went out, but now I just got home, and somehow she's back in her cage!"
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Old 06-11-2006, 11:17 PM   #176
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Old 06-12-2006, 12:16 AM   #177
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Old 06-14-2006, 03:00 PM   #178
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An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Old 06-15-2006, 01:41 AM   #179
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I know the competition has ended, but i just got sent this joke and had to share



George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.


"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.


The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer. And I don't think I could do that all day long".


The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was breaks rocks all day."


The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton Lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica. You're free to go!"
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Old 06-15-2006, 02:51 AM   #180
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The competition has been renewed......


Fah will select the new winner.
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