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Old 06-03-2006, 07:33 PM   #151
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Originally posted by U2vertigofly


i thought it was going to be annual

Ok, should I cancel it?
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Old 06-03-2006, 07:44 PM   #152
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Ok, should I cancel it?
i was just messing around with you, by all means please keep it going. i love reading the jokes
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Old 06-03-2006, 11:51 PM   #153
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Ok, let's do this again.

Only this time the current champ will select the winner!


GO!

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Old 06-04-2006, 01:31 AM   #154
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Yesssssssss I love reading and laffing at the jokes! Bring more on people, hurry!


And thanks, Carlos for your generosity donating the itunes coupons! That was really nice of you!
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Old 06-05-2006, 02:13 AM   #155
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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
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Old 06-05-2006, 06:15 AM   #156
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started
her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

--

The woman and her lover were mixing it up in bed when the woman heard a car door. She told her lover, "my husband's home. quick, stand in the corner". He did as she asked and she covered him with baby oil and then sprinkled talcum powder all over him till he looked like a statue. She told," whatever you do, don't move". The husband came into the room, looked at the "statue" and said, "what's that"? She siad, "oh, I liked that statue the Smiths got so much, I bought one myself". The husband said nothing more and it went that way for the rest of the evening. Later, after he and his wife went to bed, he got up, went down stairs and came back with a sandwhich and milk.
He said to the statue, " here you may as well have this, I spent two days at the Smiths standing like this and they didn't offer me a damn thing".
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Old 06-05-2006, 09:23 AM   #157
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A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rainforest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you !"

So the koala looks down at him and says:





"Fuuuuuck, dude ......... how much water did you drink ??!"
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Old 06-05-2006, 02:24 PM   #158
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Ok...I got one...I heard it last night at a party.


What the last think that goes thru an insect's mind when it hits the windshield of a car?











His asshole.













Carry on.
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Old 06-05-2006, 04:41 PM   #159
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^

i get really nervous sometimes i bite my nails and its killing my teeth,
i should take my shoes off really

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Old 06-05-2006, 05:32 PM   #160
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One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?," God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I'm just
not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?," comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that
she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so
sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make
you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She
will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be a
perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great, Lord."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me, Lord?," Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and
your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally, Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get
for a rib?"
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Old 06-05-2006, 10:35 PM   #161
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I hope this isn't too inappropriate, but it was too funny.

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all been working in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N.) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. You can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of toilet paper.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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Old 06-05-2006, 11:00 PM   #162
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Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied,"Yap, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."
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Old 06-06-2006, 03:24 AM   #163
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A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
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Old 06-07-2006, 08:12 PM   #164
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6 Foot Asshole

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday(10 miles over

the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop

with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop

pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic

patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,

"What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,

then work my way up to two fingers, then three,

then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from

side to side until I can get both hands in, and then

I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about

6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot

asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face............... PRICELESS
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Old 06-07-2006, 09:13 PM   #165
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RR that joke itself was priceless! Should send it to my cop brother
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