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Old 06-02-2006, 09:35 AM   #136
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oh its over, crap! well enjoy the jokes
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Old 06-02-2006, 09:43 AM   #137
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ah heck, one more.........
___________

President George Bush and Vice President Cheney are enjoying lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant.

The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad. "Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what would you like, Mr. President?"

Bush smiled at the waitress and responded, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and
morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff. The President was shocked and sat in stunned silence.

Cheney leaned across the table and in a quiet voice said to the stunned president, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche".
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Old 06-02-2006, 12:25 PM   #138
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Quote:
Originally posted by RedrocksU2
The winner of the First Annual Blue Crack Joke Contest! is..................

























FAH!





Congratulations!

Your 30 iTunes certificate will be in you PM box shortly!




Thanks to all that participated!

I'd like to thank the Academy and of course leave you with another joke....

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize
the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING"
phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information
can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive
go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10! ) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with
the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources
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Old 06-02-2006, 01:04 PM   #139
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Congrats FAH -enjoy your tunes!!!!

Wait 'till next year all of you - I'll come up with even cornier jokes!!!!



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Old 06-02-2006, 08:15 PM   #140
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Quote:
Originally posted by jesseu2
oh its over, crap! well enjoy the jokes





I do have one more certificate......
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Old 06-02-2006, 08:47 PM   #141
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Can we tell another joke?

No more fly or fish jokes... promise.
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Old 06-02-2006, 09:44 PM   #142
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Quote:
Originally posted by RedrocksU2







I do have one more certificate......
really?
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Old 06-02-2006, 10:23 PM   #143
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Stil a fave ...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, it tells me!" he says. "Someone has stolen our fucking tent!"
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Old 06-03-2006, 12:13 AM   #144
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Quote:
Originally posted by RedrocksU2




I do have one more certificate......
Must think of more jokes...
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Old 06-03-2006, 01:32 AM   #145
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An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are totally destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes into the boot of his mangled car and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who says:

MAY THE SCOTS AND THE ENGliSH LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER, IN PEACE AND HARMONY.

The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still stunned at the Scotsman's generousity, he goes to hand the bottle back. The Scotsman replies:

NO THANKS, I'LL JUST WAIT UNTIL THE POLICE GET HERE.



There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and a woman sitting together in a carriage on a train. The train went through a tunnel and as there were no lights in the carriages, it went completely dark.

Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, the woman and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face, rubbing a bright red hand mark.

The Englishman thought to himself:

THAT SCOTS GUY MUST HAVE KISSED THAT WOMAN AND SHE MISSED HIM AND SLAPPED ME INSTEAD.

The woman thought:

THAT ENGliSHMAN MUST HAVE TRIED TO KISS ME AND ACCIDENTLY KISSED THE SCOTSMAN AND GOT SLAPPED FOR IT.

And the Scotsman said to himself:

THIS IS GREAT. THE NEXT TIME WE GO THROUGH A TUNNEL I'M GONNAE MAKE ANOTHER KISSING NOISE AND SLAP THAT ENGliSH BASTARD AGAIN.



Three Scotsmen and three Englishmen are about to travel on the train to Wembley. At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.

HOW ARE THREE PEOPLE GOING TO TRAVEL ON ONLY ONE TICKET? asked one of the Englishmen

WATCH AND YOU'LL SEE ! was the Scots reply.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,

TICKET, PLEASE.

The door opens just enough for a single arm to emerge with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Englishmen saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the match, they decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TRAVEL WITHOUT A TICKET?

WATCH AND YOU'LL SEE.

When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into the toilet directly opposite.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

TICKET, PLEASE.
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Old 06-03-2006, 10:24 AM   #146
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Congrats fah!!!!
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Old 06-03-2006, 10:42 AM   #147
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A 65 year old couple are dining out for their 40th wedding anniversary when a fairy appears and tells them that she will grant them each a wish as a reward for being such a fine example of a happily married couple. She asks the wife 1st what she wishes for and the wife replied, "I would like to go on a beautiful vacation to a tropical island with my dear husband where we have no worries and can enjoy a fun relaxing holiday." She then asks the husband for his wish. The husband replies "I'm sorry honey but chances like this don't come around very often, so I wish to take that vacation with a woman who is 30 years younger than I am." The wife is saddened by this and the fairy disappointed, but she says "Is that what you truly wish for then?" "Yes yes!" he repies." So the fairy appologizes to the wife and waves her wand and POOF! The husband is 95 years old.

The moral to the story is men are jerks and fairies are women.

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Old 06-03-2006, 04:51 PM   #148
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Ok, let's do this again.

Only this time the current champ will select the winner!


GO!
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Old 06-03-2006, 05:15 PM   #149
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Quote:
Originally posted by RedrocksU2
Ok, let's do this again.

Only this time the current champ will select the winner!


GO!
i thought it was going to be annual

and i'm thinking about one
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Old 06-03-2006, 06:04 PM   #150
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The Pope was on a lovely visit to Singapore a few years back. He was being carted around in a limousine and found the experience exhilarating, to say the least. So he asked the bloke who was driving the limo whether he could have a go at the wheel.

"Of course not, Your Holiness."
"Oh come on."

And so this badgering went on until the chauffeur finally resented. The Pope was really enjoying himself, and kept going faster and faster until one traffic policeman stopped him.

"Excuse me sir..."

With this the policeman stopped dead in his tracks. "Excuse me, sir, I think I'll need to call the headquarters."

Policeman: Sir, I've just pulled over a very importat person for speeding.
Senior Policeman: Well, who is it? It's not the Home Affairs Minister again, now, is it?
Policeman: No, someone even more important.
Senior Policeman: My goodness, the Prime Minister? How...
Policeman: No, even more important!
Senior Policeman: It's the President! I knew....
Policeman: No!
Senior Policeman: Well who the hell is it then?
Policeman: I don't know...but he must be pretty damned important if he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!
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