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Old 10-17-2001, 05:18 PM   #1
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People are always coming up to me and saying "Noti, you are such a cool person and everyone wants to be just like you. What is your secret?"
I will now give allow you all to hear the secrets of being the omnipitant Jefe del Funk. So listen, LISTEN I SAY!!
The secret to being the most chilly of chillin chicks is a sweet sweet honey baked ham, like the one that I myself posess. Yes it's true, I have a booty that would make you weep if you look at it too long and that is the compass point in my life.
So is my life the best ever? Not quite my friends, not quite. There is among us, even now, a group of people we refer to as the ham haters. Yes these vilanous people would try to keep me down, just because fine ham abounds. As a result of this I have had many a ham hater try to cramp my style. But luckily the American Ham industry has come to my aid.
Yes that's right people, October has been designated National Ham Month. That's correct, an entire month dedicated to the lucious lucious ham. I encourage you all to celebrate this in your own way, but my personal suggestion is to go shake your booty in obnoxious ways on the dance floor of your home town. And if the ham haters try to stop you, simply shake harder my friends. We must celebrate the ham in all it's glory, for ourselves and our children.

Please repeat the message, it's the music that we choose.

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Old 10-17-2001, 05:31 PM   #2
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Remember the goul.

Shake n' bake
Do whatever it takes

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Old 10-17-2001, 05:52 PM   #3
Rock n' Roll Doggie
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Started from: Comedy Central
Finished from: HBO
Transcribed by: and

* Mark- Doug Terrance (Dad)
* Scott- Bauer
* Kevin- Bauer's roommate
* Dave- Jean Terrance (Mom) / Owen
* Bruce- Bobby Terrance (Kid)
* Woman- Laura
* Man- Lyle
[Family eating a ham dinner at the dinner table]

Mark: Mmmm, mm. Honey, this is a great ham steak! Just the way I like it, nice and thick and fried.

Dave: Thanks hun. Enjoying your ham steak yet, Bob?

Bruce: Yeah I like it, it's really fucking good. Ooh, oops, I mean--fine ham abounds, mom.

Dave: "Well you know what I do to make it so, fa, fa, f fa fa - said the 'F-word', seven pounds four ounces, now he says the 'F-word' at the dinner table.

Mark: Okay, you listen to me little guy. You don't curse under my roof, you don't curse on my roof or in front of my wife, you got that?

Bruce: Why dad, it's just a word! I can use my own words, and think my own thoughts!

Mark: Shut up Bobby.

Bruce: Why, do you want this place to be like...Tiananmen Square? Well I'm sorry dad, I won't live in your...microwave oven world any longer. You people have carpet on your hearts!

Mark: Sit down and shut up.

Bruce: No dad-it's the truth-look at that ham. It's flavorful, it's juicy, it's well's the universal truth...that's F'IN' GOOD HAM, DAD!

Mark: Oh I get it, you think you're big enough to take on your old man, huh?

Bruce: [hesitation...] ...Yes?

[Mark punches Bruce]

Mark: Aaaah, I'm in the garage! [he leaves]

Dave: Well, your dad's in the garage, Bob. What do you have to say for yourself?

Bruce: I say, that I'm movin' out.

Dave: Oh where would you go?

Bruce: It's a big world, mom. [spins globe] There's lots of places. [points finger at globe to stop and stops with his finger on the ocean]

Dave: The ocean Bob?

[Bruce leaves]

Dave: But you don't know anyone in the ocean!

Bruce: [sung] My parents try to put me down / just because fine ham abounds....

They're square, the world is round / gonna throw the dice and change my town....

[spins globe once again and finger stops at Toronto]

[spoken] Toronto? Oh, Bauer's place!

[sung] My parents try to put me down / just because fine ham abounds....

I'm glad I'm in my youth / I can still taste the ham...of truth!

[ends up at Bauer's apartment]

[Bruce knocks and the door is partially open]

[Dave answers the door]

Dave: Hi.

Bruce: Hello, Owen, my parents couldn't deal with the truth, so I had to point out the hypocrisy of their lives.

Dave: Oh, well, we're listening to records.

Bruce: Oh, that sounds good too.

[Bruce looks around the room at all of the people listening to records... he sees Laura]

Bruce: Laura.

[He walks over to her and they start making-out. The music starts. Everyone is making-out except Bauer, who's rolling joints, and Lyle, who looks extremely out of place. Kevin enters spraying air freshener on everything. He takes the needle off the record to speak.]

Kevin: All right, everyone. [crowd moans] This is supposed to be a get-together and not a party. Someone has to leave.

Scott: Lyle.

Crowd: Lyle!

[Lyle gets up and heads for the door]

Bruce: Sorry, man.

Laura: Listen, Bobby, what, you know, happened?

Bruce: I told my parents to... [guitar slash] to fuck off. [guitar slash]

Scott: So, uh, Terrance, what are you gonna do now, man? Hop on a Harley and drive west?

Bruce: Something like that, Bauer, although I don't have access to a vehicle as such. Although, I do have my hitchhiking thumb.

Crowd: Oooo.

Bruce: Who knows where I'll be this time tomorrow night, Laura. I could be helpin' out a town in trouble. I could be in Chicago, eatin' bacon and eggs with gangsters. I might even be dead.

Laura: Sure.

Bruce: Laura, this will be our last night together.

Laura: Whatever.

Dave: Everyone? This is truly a night to remember, so let's get really drunk.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: But not so drunk that we can't remember.

[Dave nods in agreement]

[The night progresses. Lyle is seen waiting at the door in case someone leaves. They are all sitting around and Bruce is barely coherent. Scott throws a bottle cap and it hits him in the forehead.]

Bruce: Close enough. [He starts downing his mug o' beer. He burps when he's finished.]

Scott: Hey, you're not lookin' so good, Terrance.

Laura: [waving a slice of pizza in front of his face] Have more pizza.

[Bruce starts with the dry heaves. Everyone watches. Kevin grabs the record off of the turntable. Bruce is now trying to keep from spitting the vomit]

Kevin: Oh my God! Here, puke on this!

[Bruce still trying to keep it in]

Dave: No not that side, that's the good side. He can puke on this side, though.

[Bruce just spews barf everywhere. The crowd moans]

Scott: Ah, geez, get it together.

Kevin: Let's get him home.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: Okay, but I'm drunk and I can't drive.

[Scene changes to Bruce driving home with Scott and Kevin also in the front seat. The music starts again. Tires are squealing. Bruce leans out the driver's window and pukes like it's coming out a garden hose. Then the shot changes to Bruce playing the guitar and puking.]

[Scene changes back to the kitchen in the Terrance residence. Scott and Kevin are carrying Bruce in, Bruce is mumbling]

Scott: Shhh, shhh, your parents are going to wake up. C'mon. Shhh.

Kevin: Shhhh.

[The light switch clicks on and Dave and Mark are standing there.]

Dave: Bob?

Kevin: We found him this way?

Scott: Yeah, he showed up at our place drunk. [They drop Bruce to the floor.] Good night.

[Scott and Kevin exit. Dave kneels down next to Bruce lying on the linoleum. Mark stands next to Dave]

Dave: Booze! But no pills!?!

Bruce: No.

Dave: Good. `cuz were you aware that booze and pills do not mix, Bob?

Mark: If I'm the air-traffic controller around here, he's grounded.

[Mark storms off stage left. Bruce struggles but still can't get up.]

Bruce: Mom?

Dave: Yes, Bob?

Bruce: It was fuckin' good ham.

Dave: Yes I know, Bob. I know. [Dave leaves him on the floor, turns out the lights, and exits left.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video

Remember the goul.

Shake n' bake
Do whatever it takes

[This message has been edited by Calluna (edited 10-17-2001).]
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Old 10-17-2001, 05:58 PM   #4
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[This message has been edited by Calluna (edited 10-17-2001).]
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Old 10-17-2001, 06:02 PM   #5
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what a great thread...

I could use a fine piece of ham, if ya know what i mean... LOL
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Old 10-17-2001, 10:59 PM   #6
h o l y d u n c s p a c e j u n k
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Old 10-17-2001, 11:14 PM   #7
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*hams it up by strutting around his new self-imposed status.


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Old 10-18-2001, 02:47 AM   #8
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Sweet ass! Well, sweet ham I guess...
The crazy thing is that I've actually seen that episode of KITH!! If that isn't insanity, I don't know what is...

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