expiration of current interference CBA set to expire - U2 Feedback

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Old 10-13-2005, 11:12 PM   #1
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current interference CBA set to expire

attn: posters of interference:

over the course of the past three months, management and the posters guild of message board internets (to be referred to as "the guild") have spent large amounts of time trying to come to terms on a new collective bargaining agreement that expires on monday, october 17 at 12 a.m.

it is management's desire to fix the shape of the message board, by creating a new economical mould by which everyone posts. it is important for management to let its workers know that while the guild negotiating team has proposed "new tires" for the corporation, a new economical model must rather come in the form of an entirely new car altogether.

as proven by the levitt report, conducted in early 2004, interference and it's subsiduaries have suffered million dollar losses throughout the entire stretch of the current CBA. but while we know change is needed, it is management's desire to let its employees understand they're the most important aspect to this corporation, and that mudslinging between the two sides will hopefully not make its way into any headlines.

in creating a new cba in which everyone can compete fairly, management has proposed the following:

1. a salary cap of $39 million per forum, per annual. due to excessive spending by certain leaders due to their being no economic model to prevent skyrocketing salaries, a salary cap is desperately needed to keep expenses in check.

2. revenue sharing. management has proposed a system which would see interference employees receive 54 per cent of all documented revenue (as outlined in the levitt report). this would result in two things:

a) a sliding salary cap. if interference en7oys a solid year, the cap moves up and allows for further spending. years in which u2 releases a new album, or goes on tour are excellent opportunities for the board to increase revenue. however, should the board income fall, so would the salary cap. 54 per cent is, in management's belief, a more than fair ratio dividend to be shared with its workers.

b) in order to ensure total workers expenses do not result in more than 54 per cent of total revenue (as outlined in the levitt report), up to 20 per cent of worker's annual pay may be held in an accrual deposit. should expenses escalate throughout the year beyond the 54 per cent, money will be withdrawn from the accrued fund and used to maintain the appropriated cost ratio.

3. outsourcing. due to the ever-changing landscape of the internet, and the numerous challenges it presents to the board, it is management's belief that the new cba consists of relief outlets in the form of outsourcing. for example:

a) a poster located in toronto, canada may be required by management to either move to bangladesh or risk losing employment with the corporation altogether to a local in said country. those who decide to move to the appropriated country will be paid in accordance to local standards.

due to talks having broken off between management and the guild, and with no further talks scheduled, the lockout of interference posters will commence with the expiration of the current CBA, at 12:01 monday morning. those still browsing the message board will be escourted by security out of the forum, and won't be allowed back until a new collective bargaining agreement has been reached upon by both negotiating committees AND ratified by both senior management officials and guild members.
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:18 PM   #2
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What the hell is this?
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:18 PM   #3
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bear, are you our union rep?
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:19 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally posted by frozenmuze04
What the hell is this?
Pssst... don't even bother.

Zoomy's been watching the Hudsucker Proxy again.
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:19 PM   #5
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as the official spokesperson of internet senior management, i was asked to provide a bulletin for workers to remind them the current cba is set to expire, and that no new agreement has been readied to take its place.

-management
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:20 PM   #6
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bullshit zoomerang!!

you work for the man??!?!

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Old 10-13-2005, 11:21 PM   #7
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dear lm7hitman,

it is not "the man", but rather a high level branch of internet officials.

as their official spokesperson and chief negotiating member, i speak on behalf of the collective.

- management
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:25 PM   #8
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you guys are going to replace us with scabs, aren't you?

who's my union rep????
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:28 PM   #9
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dear lm7hitman,

the issue of scabs is not something management has considered, nor does it hope to even begin to.

an agreement that is fair to both sides is what's currently being sought, and management is hopeful this will take place shortly.

-management
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:31 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by lmjhitman
you guys are going to replace us with scabs, aren't you?

who's my union rep????
I can't believe bear is working for the man.

Who is our union rep? I demand representation.
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:34 PM   #11
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I demand a meeting about this. However, before a time for the meeting is scheduled, it will be necessary to schedule a meeting to agree on the agenda for the meeting. I demand to be present at this meeting.

I also demand the right to walk out of any meetings about meetings, should my agenda suggestions not be agreed to. I also demand legal representation at all meetings. I demand the company pay for my legal representation, as this is guaranteed under S111.24 of the Employee Protection (Expanding Bureaucracy) Act 1999 (as amended).

I demand regularly scheduled refreshment breaks during all meetings about meetings, and I further demand than in the event of any scheduled meeting over-running its allotted time, any such further time expended by me at the meeting shall be re-compensated to me at a triple rate (notwithstanding my previously agreed contractual arrangment under my personally negotiated contract.)


Finally, I demand to have some cake, and I demand to have it NOW.
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:35 PM   #12
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Pssst... Zoomy, fire him!



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Old 10-13-2005, 11:37 PM   #13
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re: financeguy's demands:

please speak to your union representative about your concerns. they're not of management's direct concern.

and wildhoney, i have no idea who your rep may be. perhaps you'd all like to nominate someone?
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:40 PM   #14
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where's the free whiskey?

And play some god-dammed Clancy Brothers records!
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Old 10-13-2005, 11:41 PM   #15
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shit, the title is wrong. i have two different headlines morphed into one.

could a mod please change it to "current interference CBA set to expire" ?

please and thank you...
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