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Old 07-23-2003, 01:13 AM   #1
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elvis revisited

15 years after conceiving the internet, elvis of interference ponders existance

by ted connors

he may insist otherwise, but elvis is a bored man. a tired, boring man, elvis has lived through it all and has come out worse for it. lets take a look at a life shaped by boredom and influenced by intoxicating amounts of smack.

it began when elvis was born to ike and irene enns of halbstadt in 1933. the economy was in shambles, and his parents were forced to sell him in the black market for $50 by 1939. today his parents will tell you it was the best thing they ever did, and would sell him again if they could.

"we were never poor during the depression, we always had it good unlike our neighbours," ike tells me as he sits on his bar stool, awkwardly positioned in the middle of his personal 10,000 square foot gymnasium. "fifty dollars was enough money to upgrade the house, and pay for a few months worth of meals. it was a no-brainer."

elvis ended up bouncing from farmer to farmer, working the fields for room and board despite being only 7 years old. by the time he was 20, in 1934, elvis began to take a serious interest in music, and practiced immitating myk jaguar by the bathroom mirror.

by the time world war 1 had ended, elvis had ran away from his master and began looking for work in the big city of chicago. now in his mid 20's, the man who wasnt there was looking for work which wasnt there either. that was, ofcourse, until he ran into an accomplace he had met at a farm several years back.

"i saw jethro in the market, pecking away for the freshest, juiciest sweet meats his little fingers could find," elvis recalls with a far away smile that suggests jethro was a picky bastard who should have been shot. "when our eyes met, our hearts sunk, and we ran and hugged each other. we had met again! fate had brought us together for a second chance!"

together, the two of them would enroll at Texas A&M, then located in boston where theyd learn the joys of electronics. to make a long story short, by the time they graduated elvis had invented the internet and jethro was a hardcore porn addict selling his body for embarassingly low fees.

fastforward to the year 1994, and elvis has his own house. now 29, "the creator" as he demanded to be called, had started a website based on his favourite band.

"nickelback always floored me with their post-grunge licks, and solar power lyric kicks," a hyper elvis tells me as he bites whatever is left of his nails. "making a site in their honour only made sense."

when asked if his parents had seen the site, the rediculously overstimulated elvis tries to change the subject. being the reporter that i am, i stick to my guns and force the creator to answer my inquest.

at this time, he unleashes his blackgarbed guards on me and kicks me out of his tidy compound. the next day, however, his mood has lightened, and he allows me to conduct the remainder of the interview over the phone.

when i bring up the possibilities of the future, the creator hesitates, thinks, hesitates, and then thinks further.

"..., ...," sighed the creator. "..., .... ........."

i await in suspence.

"i plan on destroying the internet, i feel its not too late. its 2003, i can do what i want, noones the boss of me," elvis said. "i mean, its the 90's, get used to it."

when i ask him what his plans are for the millenium celebrations, he replies with a typical "ill believe it when i see it" look.

wrapping things up, i offer him a ride in my 1992 datsun, fully loaded with air, cruise and tilt steering. declining, elvis said he had other business and insisted that i stopped bothering him.

and so that was elvis, unfairly unnaccounted for, for so many years of his life, revealed to you for the first time. though nothing that he said made sense, he will always be a friend to you and me. a big brother, you could say without a smirk on your face.

until next time, this is ted connors at the newsdesk wishing you a good day.

~t. connors
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Old 07-23-2003, 01:24 AM   #2
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Apart from the appalling lack of continuity and some seventy years of unaccounted-for living, this was a fascinating interview with the man behind the curtain.

Now if you can just tell me what's next for the man who has it all, I'll be pleased. Where does the bored, tired and worn-out statesman of the internet go when life has lost its meaning?
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Old 07-23-2003, 01:32 AM   #3
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thats part two, coming out shortly, i hope.

in the meantime, enjoy jethro's fresh dainties.
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Old 07-23-2003, 01:50 AM   #4
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Thanks, I like the sweet meats.
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Old 07-23-2003, 01:52 AM   #5
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hmm, as i look over my article something tells me i may have jumped around too much. maybe im just being my biggest critic, but did you really feel the 70 years i left out were all that important?
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Old 07-23-2003, 01:54 AM   #6
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Well they probably don't matter all that much, though our Elvis may be the world's youngest World War 1-era school leaver.
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Old 07-23-2003, 01:57 AM   #7
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sounds like the life story of mr. burns

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Old 07-23-2003, 01:59 AM   #8
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Are you saying that Elvis is like Monty Burns?
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Old 07-23-2003, 02:00 AM   #9
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I like you bear, in a strictly b-porn way. If you know what I mean.
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Old 07-23-2003, 02:01 AM   #10
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never...
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Old 07-23-2003, 02:05 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by Kieran McConville
I like you bear, in a strictly b-porn way. If you know what I mean.
a universal/unibrow sort of love
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Old 07-23-2003, 02:02 PM   #12
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I didnt know this forum's description contained fictional writing.
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