Eddie Izzard !!!

[Zoots]

Personally I think he's the funniest guy on the planet! Can't believe that there has never been a thread about him! For those that are going he's a British stand-up comic who wears women's clothes. Yes, he is a self proclaimed and proud transvestite. But you get over the initial shock pretty soon after you discover how damn funny he is. He jokes about everything from popular culture, history, mythology, world events, current affairs to everyday things like lawnmowers, showers, toasters, grandmothers and jam! lots and lots of jam covering the earth completely!

Quotes
1. I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

2. If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

3. We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard!"

4. I like my coffee like I like my women...in a plastic cup.

5. Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."

6. My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!

If this is new to you, go out and get 'Dress To Kill' on DVD now!

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

I HIM!

 

[Zoots]

I HIM!

Which ones have you seen?

 

[Palace_Hero]

I like him alot but I think those quotes you posted were awful.

 

[Calluna]

Dressed to Kill is a classic comedy special. I have seen it so many times and I never get tired of it. I would like to see some of his other specials but they are difficult to get ahold of.

We have had cake or death threads at one of the other forums I frequent.

 

[Zoots]

I like him alot but I think those quotes you posted were awful.

then why don't you post some, mr. hero!

 

[Sparkysgrrrl]

I adore him.
I wish I looked that good in heels.

 

[smooshcat]

Eddie rules!

*goes to find quotes*

 

[Zoots]

Okay, I'll post some more quotes then if nobody else will...

I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!"

And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do," but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that.

Guns don't kill people, people do, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

So my choice is 'Or Death?' (this is of course only funny if you've seen the 'Cake or Death' sequence)

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

There's a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn't say, "I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole."

Of course these are even funnier while you're watching him perform

 

[hippy]

I love Eddie!


My friends and I used to go around saying to each other:

You're a plumber? What on EARTH is that?


In the "Eddie" voice, though


Gah. I should watch that again...

I wish more of his releases were available in the US

 

[Zoots]

I love Eddie!


My friends and I used to go around saying to each other:

You're a plumber? What on EARTH is that?


In the "Eddie" voice, though

What about this one?

Jeezy Creezy, what on earth is that?

I wish more of his releases were available in the US

I think pretty much everything except for 2003's Sexie is now available in the US... Dress to Kill, Glorious, Definite Article, Unrepeatable and Circle. Check Amazon.com.

 

[hippy]

What about this one?

Jeezy Creezy, what on earth is that?

Don't take my name in vain, Dad!

God... who is James Mason...

I think pretty much everything except for 2003's Sexie is now available in the US... Dress to Kill, Glorious, Definite Article, Unrepeatable and Circle. Check Amazon.com.

Rock on! I haven't checked in awhile and it's nice to see that prices have come down for these



It's more of a gesture at the moment...

 

[YellowKite]

Eddie Izzard is a god or goddess - however you want to look at it.

Very sexy and even funnier than he is sexy! More quotes:

"Performing enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play to you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance."

"I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life."

 

[hippy]

He's a DONUT... it's the SLANG!



Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?


The president of Burundi...





I can recite this whole show in my sleep

 

[Zoots]

Oh my God.... you're killing me here.

*Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?*




edit: It's a slang!

He's a fuckin' donut.... a fuckin' donut

Fuckin' donut......

I am a Hamburger, a Frankfurter and a Donut! *JFK*

 

[hippy]

Helga, Helga wake up!
What is it Dr. Heimlich? You're waking up die person!
I have invented a maneouvre!


You killed a hundred thousand people? Your diary must look odd... death, death, death, death, lunch, death, afternoon tea


The Protestant Reformation:

Hang on a minute! But he was German so it was "Ein minuten biter... einen klienen problemo avec diser religione" He was from everywhere!


On snowboarding:

There are two positions in snowboarding... one is looking cool. The other is DEAD!




I could do this all night....

 

[bammo2]

Bees make honey? We've known this since we were kids, so we take it for granted. But bees are insects - furry body, red, not red!... yellow, and black stripy, hairy leggy, big ears ... big eyes! - big ears as well, but they leave them behind when they go out ... (got out of that one) - medium size wings ... You know - they're buzzy things, you know, and they make honey?! Which is in your morning, on your breakfast toastie, in a jar, kind of - how do they do make that? I mean ... do earwigs make chutney? Do spiders make gravy? What is going on?

 

[bammo2]

owner 'cat, are you drilling behind that sofa?'
cat 'me? drilling? ...nooo, ...im a cat... how would I know how to drill? ...oooh thats purring your thinking of,.. yes, purring, im having a good old purr back here....'
owner 'oh... okay then'
(cat pulls down goggles, and carries on drilling)

 

[flaxjm]

eddie izzard is hilarious. if you have only seen dress to kill, see circle (not as good, but the opening 20 min is great) and glorious (i'm in the minority, but i think some of this is as good as his classic dress to kill).

but the best was seeing izzard live on the sexie tour in nyc. very frustrating that this dvd is not available in the US. does anyone know when it will be? perhaps not until he tours again?

thanks!

i mean, ciao.....

 

[hippy]

Bees make honey? We've known this since we were kids, so we take it for granted. But bees are insects - furry body, red, not red!... yellow, and black stripy, hairy leggy, big ears ... big eyes! - big ears as well, but they leave them behind when they go out ... (got out of that one) - medium size wings ... You know - they're buzzy things, you know, and they make honey?! Which is in your morning, on your breakfast toastie, in a jar, kind of - how do they do make that? I mean ... do earwigs make chutney? Do spiders make gravy? What is going on?

I love the "pollen" dance he does! "Brian, where's the pollen?"

 

[hippy]

ciao.....

I'm the Pope, I'm head of the Catholic church, I... ciao.


I'm so watching Eddie tonight!

 

[Zoots]

I'm so watching Eddie tonight!

Maybe I will too.


By the way... flaxjm: I love Glorious too, as much or sometimes even more than Dress to Kill. So you're not alone. It really depends but many times I've laughed harder watching Glorious.

Everyone had big beards, big fuckoff beards in the Old Testament, and the deep voices, (deeply and sternly) “Oh, I say to you… And the lights, and the clouds, and the chariot, and the burning bush… Oh, beard on fire! Shit!” (runs away) Into the Dead Sea… (sizzling sound) “Oh, a goatee!” Even the dogs in the Old Testament, big beards, (sternly) “Woof, woof, I say to you. A biscuit? Thank you.” In English comic books, “woof woof;” in French comic books, “ouaf, ouaf.”

Have you guys seen this website by the way? It has the entire Glorious transcript!

http://www.auntiemomo.com/cakeordeath/glorioustranscript.html

 

[hippy]

Ah, there are too many!

Some of my favorites:

I was gonna be in the army...

They only have that nighttime look and that's a bit slapdash! But they're missing a HUGE opportunity here... cause we all know, one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Battalion, Transvestite Brigade, Airborne wing? Parachuting into dangerous territory with fantastic makeup, and a fantastic gun!



There's five hundred million of us!
Do you have a flag?


ENGLEBERT HUMPERDINCK!


I can't get the fuckin' trees... damn, I will kill everyone in the world!

We need the Falkland Islands... for strategic sheep purposes!


I didn't do it! I was dead at the time! I was on the moon with Steve...


And they built Stonehenge. One of the biggest Henges in the world!


Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo.

 

[hippy]

Does anyone want a cup of coffee?

 

[Zoots]

Does anyone want a cup of coffee?

*thinks* sex is on, yeah?

 

[Zoots]

I didn't do it! I was dead at the time! I was on the moon with Steve...

And they built Stonehenge. One of the biggest Henges in the world!

 

[bammo2]

Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo.

LMFAO

 

[bammo2]

And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be! “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. (mimes stuffing an animal) I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.”

They should put more things in, not just sand, that gets boring. “Porridge, I’m doing this one with porridge!” (mimes stapling the stuffed animal shut) Staple gun…

“I’ve done your dog, it’s is finished. I filled it with porridge.” (flop)

“It’s a bit floppy…”

“Yeah, that’s porridge to you, you know? You’ve got a two-level effect.”

“I’ve got nine-level effect.”

“Yeah, I’ve done your cat – he’s with helium.” (mimes holding the cat as a balloon over his head)

“It’s a bit high up…”

“Yeah, that’s helium, friend. There’s no height restriction.” (mimes pulling on string) “Here.” (lets go of string and catches it again) “If you grab it, you’ve got two controls.”

“Oh,yeah, I see it!”

And the cat is going (mimes balloon losing air), with that fixed expression…

Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist!

“I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?”

“Fido looks a bit weird.”

 

[hippy]

“I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?”

“Fido looks a bit weird.”

For some reason, that reminds of the whole "vacuum" thing...

Was that a piece of grit? Or the TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE?

 

[Zoots]

Hod-d-d-d-d
Hod-d-d-d-d
Hod-d-d-d-d
Hod-d-d-d-d
Hod-d-d-d-d