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Old 06-11-2005, 09:22 AM   #31
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Good morning!



Another of my favorite bits from Glorious:

What, in fact, is an “evil giraffe”? How do they…? “I will eat all the leaves on this tree. (mimes eating leaves) I will eat more leaves than I should… and then other giraffes may die. (evil chuckle) I am an evil herbivore!”
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Old 06-11-2005, 09:37 AM   #32
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Hey, good morning!


Darth Vader: I can kill Catering with a thought!

Catering: You'll still need a tray.
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Old 06-11-2005, 02:02 PM   #33
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All these trays are wet!




We could go on with this forever!
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Old 06-11-2005, 04:32 PM   #34
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Quote:
Originally posted by hippy

We could go on with this forever!
Oh yes, we could.

I was watching Unrepeatable just a while back. Laughing my ass off. Couple of good ones from that one...

Some people are widely read; I’m thinly read. I’ve read fuck all! Not very proud of it. You know, some people say, “I’ve read Dr. Benoski’s book on cat eating by…” I haven’t read anything, you know. It’s cause I’m partially dyslexic. I was fully dyslexic until I met someone who was more dyslexic than me, and said, “You’re only partially dyslexic.” There’s a lot of rivalry in the dyslexic camp. “Rivvvalry” with three “vs".

In the old days, before the ‘50s, I don’t know, it was much more blatant, adverts were more like, “Come on, there it is! (pointing) Come on! Haven’t got all day, there it is!” And as consumers, we were, “Oh, okay, I didn’t realize! Sorry! Don’t hit me!“ (running towards the product) Nowadays we have choice, don’t we? We’re much more choosy, and we’re much more aware of what we can buy, so adverts are more subtle, they’re the soft sell, much more like… (humming a tune and pointing discreetly at product) “Oh, look at that! Those two people like it, and they’re shagging…” That’s what happens, isn’t it? Shagging sells everything! That’s it, there’s an advert for coffee- You come around, “Cup of coffee?” “Ooh, let’s shag!” Yes! Adverts for chocolate bars, two bits of chocolate bar, one eats one, one eats the other, “Oh, let’s have a shag!” That stuff for cleaning the floor, clean the floor clean, and then you shag on the floor… Dog food, dog eats dog food… anyway… So… not sure what happens there.

http://www.auntiemomo.com/cakeordeat...ranscript.html
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Old 06-12-2005, 07:00 PM   #35
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I love Eddie!

I love the Prince Charles/Secret Service bit:

But he was very cool, Prince Charles, he was very… (pulling at his cuffs) He was doing all this cuffs thing that he does before he makes speeches, he always does it. I think it’s a nervous thing, as if he’s going, (pulling at cuffs) “Where’s my fucking shirt?! I’ve got no shirt on.” Or it could be a magic trick he’s doing, “Nothing here… nothing here… bunch of flowers!”


I feel like saying that everytime I adjust my sleeves


And, of course, the dog training bit:

We throw sticks at dogs, that’s the level we have dogs at. You’d never dram of throwing one for a cat. We throw sticks for dogs, and dogs go, “Oh, he’s dropped the stick! I better go and get that… (mimes chasing after the stick) You dropped your stick there. Thought I’d bring it back… And you hang on… (mimes giving the stick back and follows it with the eyes as it’s thrown again) Did you see me? I just brought that back! And then you thr… you dropped it again? It’s very weird what’s going on here… Now hang on to it this time, I don’t want to piss about all the time. You think I enjoy this? There you… Don’t fucking throw it!!” That’s why the third time, when they come back, they won’t give it to you, they go, (through clenched teeth) “No… I won’t let you take it!”


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Old 06-12-2005, 07:05 PM   #36
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Oh my God... isn't that from Unrepeatable? I thought you haven't seen it.

Both those quotes are so funny!!!

*Don't fuckin' throw it!*

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Old 06-12-2005, 07:27 PM   #37
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OMG. I forgot about the whole "Dracula" thing until I'm looking through the transcript


This is probably my favorite bit of ANY of his shows... I'm such a sucker for vampire mythology and I love how he makes fun of the cliches


Let's go camping in the forest of death and blood!


Oh, it IS an axe murderer! IT IS!

http://www.auntiemomo.com/cakeordeat...t.html#dracula
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Old 06-12-2005, 07:38 PM   #38
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Oh yeah... he makes fun of Evil Dead too...


But they go off and camp in the forest, and then a storm comes in, they can’t go back, and the bridge’s been blown up by squirrels… And they stay in a house, a wooden house, and in the middle of the night some twit says, “Look, there’s something moving in the forest about eight miles away! I’ll go and check…” Don’t check, please don’t check… That’s what curtains are for, you go, (mimes peeking through window) “Oh, my God!” But they say, “I’ll go check, and I’ll take a thimble with me… Don’t come near me, I’ve got a thimble!” They never listen to the music, do they? (singing ominous melody) We’d be going, “I’m not going down there! It’s spooky down there.” (ominous melody continues) “It’s spooky down here too.” (mimes taking a step and hearing ominous melody repeatedly, until he takes a step and the music is lively)

Sometimes this guy is determined to get there… (singing ominous melody) “Piss off, you cellist! Stop following me in the forest!” (mimes cellist walking away while playing) The guy goes deep into the forest, and once he does, you know he’s had it. He’s going… “Oh, it’s is an axe murderer! It is! We weren’t sure… I thought it was either you or a badger! You know, could be a badger or an axe murderer, and it’s you! (mimes axe murderer whacking character) Oh, send a party!”

Cellist!!!
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Old 06-12-2005, 08:21 PM   #39
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I love the part of Definite Article where he does the "mice" parody of The Italian Job...

http://www.auntiemomo.com/cakeordeat...t.html#italian

“You aren’t supposed to blow the bloody doors off! Told you about that… What are you doing, coming in here, and making such a fracas? Now tell me the plan.”

“Well, we’ll drive the Minis into the square…”

“No, piazza.”

“Oh, it’s piazza, Charlie? And we load the cheese in the back of the Minis, and we drove it at you during a football match.”



They've got a flip chart!
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Old 06-14-2005, 10:14 AM   #40
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Old 06-15-2005, 10:09 AM   #41
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He is hilarious. I saw him first on HBO then I bought the DVD. I love his bit about building stonehenge and those poor Welsh people pushing the rocks all that way. 'You bastard, now Ive forgoten where I live'
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Old 06-15-2005, 10:29 AM   #42
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Quote:
Originally posted by Zootlesque
And they stay in a house, a wooden house, and in the middle of the night some twit says, “Look, there’s something moving in the forest about eight miles away! I’ll go and check…”
Quote:
Originally posted by Zootlesque
They never listen to the music, do they?
at both of these parts! Makes me think of many a horror movie I've seen...so true... "Eight miles away"-hehe...

I've heard of this guy, but I've not seen any of his stuff, just read the few quotes shared here, and someone else was talking about him one time and shared a few bits from him then, too. He sounds quite interesting, and there's some funny stuff in here. Perhaps I'll keep an eye out for any DVDs of his or something.

Angela
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Old 06-15-2005, 06:51 PM   #43
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Quote:
Originally posted by Moonlit_Angel

Perhaps I'll keep an eye out for any DVDs of his or something.

Angela
Yes!!! You should at least get Dress to Kill. Great starter!
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Old 06-15-2005, 07:19 PM   #44
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Definitely check him out! He's the funniest stand-up I've ever seen


Nothing, absolutely nothing matches his delivery! See one of his shows (on dvd) and you'll be hooked, I guarantee it!
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Old 06-17-2005, 06:51 AM   #45
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Quote:
ENGLEBERT HUMPERDINCK!
"Zingelbert Bembledack! Yingybert Dambleban! Zangelbert Bingledack! Wingelbert Humptyback! Slut Bunwalla!"

"What?!"

"All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns! Steviebuns Bottrittrundle..."

"No, Gerry Dorsey, I like Gerry Dorsey!"

"No, we can't do it... Who we got? Zingelbert Bembledack, Tringelbert Wangledack, Slut Bunwalla, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindlebert Zindledack, Gerry Dorsey, Engelbert Humptyback, Zengelbert Bingledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingelbert Wingledanck…"

"No, no, go back one. Go back one. "Engelbert Humperdinck." That's it."

And it worked! But he's dead now, you hear that? Yeah, today, on CNN. I heard it as I was just coming out. Very weird, ‘cause Frank Sinatra was just recently as well, wasn't it? Yeah. Hmm. No, this is what I heard on the telly when I coming out. ( inhales deeply and exhales ) It's not true, heh. ( exhales ) No, it is true. Yeah, he was L.A. Something happened. He was in L.A., and that's all I caught… it was just before I came out. So, yeah. ( exhales ) No, it is true. No, he was in a car in L.A. driving along and something hit him or something like that. ( about 25 seconds of pauses and audience laughter, as Eddie nods and denies the truth of this statement ) No no, no, he's all right, he's all right! He's fine! He's cooking, he's jumping, he's doing his thing in L.A. - he's absolutely fine. How do I know? I don't know, I don't know! I think he's got a cold, that's what they said. No, a tan, that's it!
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