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Old 08-21-2005, 01:15 AM   #1
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door to door dating - NOT GOOD!

dear friends and lovers of interference,

we're all cowboys searching for a prairie sky that'll reveal all of life's wild, wild plans.

always searching, and seemingly never finding.

but here's a memo for the wise, a note for the willing, and some advice for the lost and lonely...

if you think being nice is going to get you anywhere in life, you're being taken for a ride.

i've finally figured out all women. every. last. one.

women like to examined on a pychological level, and they like it when men create theories as to why we can't seem to go through life without them.

but what they don't like is me yelling at their ugly dog, me telling them that their new haircut "isn't exactly what i was hoping it would look like", and definitely not having me insist that anniversaries only happen once every two years.

now while it's true i've had my ups and downs with my current girlfriend (brandine, she's pretty hot, guys), i must say that we're collectively on the LEV (level). we know where each other stand, and i think that's important in a healthy relationship.

but you know what's not good? do you, basstrap? do you have any idea what i'm going to say next?

it's not good when you arrive to see your girlfriend playing tonsil hockey with some punk shitass who then has the BALLS to tell me to leave the house until they're done!!!!

THE THIRD WHEEL KICKED THE LIL' ENGINE THAT COULD OUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE!!!!!!!!!

i should add that after i left the house after calmly closing the door behind me (as the guy had asked me too), i wrote a long letter on paper and stuffed it inside his car parked on the driveway where i'd otherwise have left my own car.

the thing is, if this were to happen once or twice, i could let it slide. i'm sure this sort of shit happens all the time, right?

right?

i mean, all relationships go through stages but this next part is REALLY weird.

i mean, so the next day i go back to the house and what do i see? the two of them sitting around the kitchen table in their unmentionables, doing the crossword puzzle, sipping on hot coffee.

after making my presense known with a double-knock on the wall, they both looked up and and gawked at me with an expression that screamed "who are you, and why are you here again?!?!"

now, before i go any further i should probably tell you that these two people have been married for quite a few years.

yeah.

YEAAHCH.

...i didn't know that.

at least, not until they told me after i barged in for the second time.

LESSON LEARNED. WOW.

so until next time, this has been your friendly interference pal wishing all you singles out there to keep it sleazy.

i'm outtie five thousand!
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Old 08-21-2005, 01:20 AM   #2
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Old 08-21-2005, 01:22 AM   #3
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i got you all figured out, sicy!

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Old 08-21-2005, 01:24 AM   #4
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I'll figure out your face with my fist
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Old 08-21-2005, 01:25 AM   #5
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"got milk?"

"x" marks the spot on that one... touche?

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Old 08-21-2005, 01:30 AM   #6
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what the deathbear learned about love.

oh, wait.
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Old 08-21-2005, 01:36 AM   #7
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i listened to that song twice today.
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Old 08-21-2005, 01:45 AM   #8
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I would throw my turning paddle at you if I weren't so criminally paralyzed by the weight of my own sentence-filled head. But who isn't held hostage by OVERhead!!! Yeah, those business puns kill my office undermanagers.

A life sentence of looking in the mirror is my vice. Peering at county fair pageant material for the rest of my stud-pasture days. Brandine thinks she's got it, but the tree of divine beauty went and rubbed its bark on my brow... only to LEAVE her with the short end of the twig.

That is my life of trees and head maladies. Are you still muttering about in your glee over your post-partum-barnum and bailey's white russian ballet of a rejection? A wealth of sentence in the presence of my newspaper clipped fragments.

Get the hell out of my kitchen.

Yours,

Todd
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Old 08-21-2005, 01:49 AM   #9
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Rod and Todd, this is God.

Humph. I dunno, I just think Zoomerang96 is the one taking US for a ride. I mean, sure we all know it's cool to objectify women, but I draw the line at MARRIED women. Humph.
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Old 08-21-2005, 01:55 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by cujo
I would throw my turning paddle at you if I weren't so criminally paralyzed by the weight of my own sentence-filled head. But who isn't held hostage by OVERhead!!! Yeah, those business puns kill my office undermanagers.

A life sentence of looking in the mirror is my vice. Peering at county fair pageant material for the rest of my stud-pasture days. Brandine thinks she's got it, but the tree of divine beauty went and rubbed its bark on my brow... only to LEAVE her with the short end of the twig.

That is my life of trees and head maladies. Are you still muttering about in your glee over your post-partum-barnum and bailey's white russian ballet of a rejection? A wealth of sentence in the presence of my newspaper clipped fragments.

Get the hell out of my kitchen.

Yours,

Todd
i'm coming in, coming in hard.

your kitchen will be cooking up some love between yours and MINE.

mine being me.

me me me all the time.

what with it being seven quarter inch high speed.

yeah, i'm coming in coming in hard
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Old 08-21-2005, 01:57 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by Kieran McConville
Rod and Todd, this is God.

Humph. I dunno, I just think Zoomerang96 is the one taking US for a ride. I mean, sure we all know it's cool to objectify women, but I draw the line at MARRIED women. Humph.
i was hoping that sentiment wasn't lost in all the drivel, i'm sincerely happy you caught on.

ob7ectify, erictify, energize, and lastly, pacify.

that's my motto.

...of course it's not, what the hell am i saying.

shit.
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Old 08-21-2005, 02:00 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoomerang69
i'm coming in, coming in hard.

your kitchen will be cooking up some love between yours and MINE.

mine being me.

me me me all the time.

what with it being seven quarter inch high speed.

yeah, i'm coming in coming in hard
That's a SHORE-line to win over the ladies.

Am I right, Johnny?

HA!

GOULET!

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Old 08-21-2005, 02:03 AM   #13
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that's a surfer way to NATION

do your worst to beat that.
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Old 08-21-2005, 02:04 AM   #14
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holy shit, you guys.
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Old 08-21-2005, 02:11 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally posted by Zoomerang96
that's a surfer way to NATION

do your worst to beat that.
I fold.

Any attempts of mine would be accidental in cause.

You'll pay though. I may be a pig to you, crusty old dean, but I have some powerful friends.

~for the love of Richard Nixon
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