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Old 07-29-2002, 02:30 AM   #1
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Canada, eh?

"Oh I Wish I Was Back In Old Canada"

Mike (telling a joke): ...and the drunk guy says, "I can't help being an idiot, I'm Canadian!"

Crow (Laughs): You're right, they're so pathetic, Mike!

(Whistle blows, Tom comes in wearing Mountie uniform)

Tom: Enough! There's been too much Canada-bashing for far too long! I say: no more!

Mike: Don't you mean: "No more, eh"?

Crow (Laughs): Good one, man! They are SO stupid!

Tom: Stop it now! Instead, let us offer our Northern brothers and sisters this song of tribute!

(Music starts)

(Singing)
Oh, I wish I was back in old Canada,
A land which I never shall lampoon!
How I pine for the ice covering Lake Manitoba,
And the beauty that is Saskatoon!


Mike (spoken): I got one.

(Singing)
Oh, I wish I was stuck in the hills of Alberta,
Drinking beer with some big dumb guy trapping fur!


Tom (spoken): Hey!

Mike (singing):
As he scraped and chistled all the moose dung off his boots,
I would learn that he's the Prime Minister!


Tom (spoken): Oh, stop that!

Crow (singing):
Oh, I wish I was in the land gave us Peter Jennings,
Alanis Morisette, Mike Meyers, too!


Tom (spoken): Yeah!

Crow (singing):
No, I take that back, I wouldn't go there even if you payed me,
Oh, Canada, you are a place I must eschew!


Tom (spoken): Now, this is NOT in the spirit I intended!

Mike: Oh, come on, give in! I mean, after all, they gave us Ed the Sock and Rush!

Crow: Yeah, what are you defending? They're such feebs!

Tom: Okay, I'll try!

Mike: All right! Good man!

Tom (singing):
Oh, I wish I was blowing up Prince Edward Island,
And going on to bomb Ontario!
The destruction of Canada and all of its culture,
Is by far my fav-o-rite scenario!


Mike (spoken): Okay, that's a little strong...

Tom (interrupting, spoken): No, no, you were right, Mike, this is much more fun!

(Singing)

Just where the hell does Canada get off sharing a border
With countries far superior to it?


Crow (spoken): Yikes!

Tom (singing):
Why, you lousy, stinking, francophonic, bacon-loving bastards,
Your country's just a giant piece of sh...


(Mike leaps on Tom and covers his mouth with his hand, while he and Crow shout "Hey! Woah! Woah!")

Mike (spoken): I think that's enough. I think we've... Cambot, (Music stops) okay, thanks. All right.

Tom (sobbing): I'm sorry! I have no sense of proportion! I'm a disgrace to my uniform!

Mike: No, no, that's okay, calm down. Mustn't hate! Mustn't hate!
Crow: At least so overtly.

Mike: Exactly, right. Must disguise our hate, just a little. (Commercial sign light goes on) Okay, we'll be right back. (To Tom) It's okay, now, Dudley.

Tom (still sobbing): Pardonez moi! Pardonez moi!
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Old 07-29-2002, 02:37 AM   #2
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"That's not very funny, eh?"

"Yeah. Take off, hozer!"
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Old 07-29-2002, 03:40 PM   #3
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LMAO
I love my country.
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Old 07-29-2002, 04:21 PM   #4
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I love SCTV !!!
where that movie came from

The Great White North

oh canada, I stand on guard for thee

thou we'll get whooped if it ever comes to that
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Old 07-29-2002, 04:47 PM   #5
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Old 07-29-2002, 04:48 PM   #6
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We would, we would.
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Old 07-29-2002, 04:50 PM   #7
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well...we could use sharpened moose antlers
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Old 07-29-2002, 05:19 PM   #8
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SIGNS YOU ARE CANADIAN

You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by the Barenaked Ladies, even the banter between Steve and Ed.

You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

You get excited whenever an American show mentions Canada and make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day

You talk about the weather with friend or stranger alike.

Back bacon and Kraft dinner are 2 basic food groups.

You dismiss all beer under 6% for "the elderly and weak".

You participate in ParticipAction!

You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if the Devils Adovocates made fun of you.

You have more Canadian Tire money in your house then actual money.

You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a wine cooler or celtic group.

You can do all the hand actions to "skin-a-mir-rinky-dinky-doo"

You know that the Friendly Giant is not a vegetable product line.

You perk up when you hear the theme to Hockey Night in Canada.

You have memorized the Heritage Foundations "Heritage Moments" including your favourite, "Doctor, I smell burnt toast..." and "KANATA"

You know all 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.

You know the French equivilant for "free" "prize" and "no sugar added" thanks to your extensive bilingualism in cereal packaging.

You use a tennis ball more for road hockey then tennis.

Your 3 favourite spices are salt, pepper and ketchup.

Your bring home empty beer cans from your camping in order to get the $.10 refund.

You die a little inside if you can't get your Tim's double double every morning.

You prefer Smarties to M&M's.

Someone steps on your foot accidently. You apologize.

Your biggest fear while abroad is that someone will mistake you for an American, so you will be extra polite to prove that you're not.

Your milk comes in a bag, and you have one of those "snippy things" to cut off the corners stuck to your fridge.

You swear that you see Alex Trebek grimace everytime a contestant gets a Canadian question wrong, and even if you don't know the answer, you still feel superior to them as they look stupid trying to answer the question.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You remember when Alanis Morrisette was "Too Hot To Hold"

Canadian Tire, on any Saturday, is busier then any toy store at Christmas.

Your municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.

You have more than 3 friends named Gordon.

You think the start of deer season should be declared a national holiday.

Driving is better in the winter, cause the potholes are filled with snow.

You use a red pen on your non Canadian books to add the "u" to color, labor and honor.

You know what Thrills are and that they do taste like soap.

You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.

You know that mounties don't always "look like that"

You watch Much Music constantly in hopes of catching a fleeting glimpse of The Tragically Hip

You can drink legally while you're still a teen.

When you have a social problem, you turn to your gov't to fix it, not tell them to stay out of it!

You don't know or care what the fuss is with Cuba, it's a cheap place to travel to, and no Americans.

You never miss "Coach's Corner"

You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy Mesley will ever find they blissful love they once had.

You remember "Jodie" form "Today's Special" and wonder why you always see her reading the news on CBC.

You really miss the ongoing saga of Jacques and William. Did they ever escape those soldiers? And what about the girls?

You think "Ed the Sock" is funny.

The local paper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

Whenever you hear the word "car", you have to stop yourself from involuntarily reaching back for a hockey net

You read, rather then scanned this list, and found yourself agreeing with at least one point.
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Old 07-29-2002, 05:25 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally posted by RavenStar
SIGNS YOU ARE CANADIAN



You read, rather then scanned this list, and found yourself agreeing with at least one point.
smarites ARE better than M&M's!
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Old 07-29-2002, 05:31 PM   #10
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Americans diary of his first winter in Canada.

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.
Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved back to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!
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Old 07-29-2002, 06:40 PM   #11
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Hey, some hoser moved this out of Free Your Mind, eh? It was a political discussion, eh?

Hosers.
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Old 07-29-2002, 06:50 PM   #12
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canada kicks ass

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Old 07-29-2002, 07:22 PM   #13
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I think I must be Canadian.

oh dear. I can identify with several off that list.

btw, change that diary from Canada to Minnesota and it would be about the same. evil evil winter.
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Old 07-29-2002, 07:56 PM   #14
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even the snow plows?
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Old 07-29-2002, 08:08 PM   #15
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WTF is "Back Bacon???" IS that what we call "Canadian Bacon?"
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