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Old 09-06-2005, 08:43 PM   #91
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Hey Sicy.

I happen to work part-time at a Sears. You naugty girl. I'll have to tell my manager that one
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Old 09-06-2005, 10:38 PM   #92
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so what do you call cheese that's not yours?



NACHO CHEESE!!
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Old 09-06-2005, 10:39 PM   #93
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oo, ok, so there's this king who has three cups. the first cup is full, the second cup is full, but the third cup is half empty. what's his name?







King Phillip the third!!
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Old 09-07-2005, 08:01 AM   #94
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A man is watching a foot ball game on tv in his living room.
His wife comes in from the kitchen screaming at him.
What did the man do wrong?






He made her chains too long.
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Old 09-07-2005, 09:02 AM   #95
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1: Ask me if I'm a tree.
2: Wha?
1. Ask me if I'm a tree.
2. Eh, ok. Are you a tree?
1. No.
-----
A guy is flying over Melbourne and crashes his plane. He wakes up the next day in the Melbournian hospital, dazed.

Guy: Did I come here to die?
Aussie nurse: No, love, you came here yester-die!
-----
And a few choice ones from the wikipedia, here are my favourites:

The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The bassists in the back of the orchestra decided they had a few minutes to spare before being required to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for a few beers. As it was quite a windy day, before they left for the pub, they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.
Rather than leisurely enjoyment of one beer, the bassists decided they would actually prefer hasty enjoyment of multiple beers. After finishing their fourth or fifth beverage they decided that they had better hurry, because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. Unfortunately, two of the bassists had passed out, and had to be left behind. The others stumbled back onto the bandstand, but in their inebriated state they found they were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, and two men were out.

-----
One of my favourite jokes, I know someone who can tell it for about three hours.

There once was a young man who loved the circus. Throughout all his childhood, he had loved the clowns, big tents, acrobats, the animals, the ring master. But this young man had never been to the circus. He had only heard about it from family and friends. The circus had never been to his town, and he could not afford to go to a big city to see a traveling circus. But one day, the young man was reading a newspaper with his breakfast as usual, and out of the blue, something caught his eye. The circus was coming to his town! The young man was so excited, he could not sleep. He counted down the days on his calendar until finally, the day came. The circus had arrived. The man rushed to his car, but he realised he'd almost forgotten his ticket, so he rushed back inside to fetch it. Then he drove to the big top, eagerly anticipating the culmination of all his childhood dreams. He had a front row seat, right in the heart of the action. He was so excited, he could not wait for the show to start. And when it did, the man was gobsmacked. It was better than anything he could have expected. He loved every minute of it. But there was a part he wanted to see more than anything else. The clowns. This circus' clown had a reputation for being the funniest in all the land. The clown looked around the audience looking for a ripe target, and before long he found one. By amazing coincidence, it was the man, who had been waiting all his life for this moment. And the young man was overjoyed when he managed to capture the clown's attentions. The clown stopped, waddled over, doing a little funny dance. Everyone giggled. The spotlight came down over the clown as he walked to the edge of the ring. He paused, and peered at the man, then glared knowingly at the audience. There was a long silence. The man was on the edge of his seat, thrilled by what the clown might say to him. Finally the clown said "Are you the back end of an ass?" The man was a bit taken aback. This wasn't quite what he was expecting. But he was still excited, and wanted to hear what would come next. So he replied, "No". The clown stared at him, and placed his hands on his hips, then lifted a hand to his chin, rubbing it thoughtfully. "Are you the front end of an ass?" asked the clown, glaring at the man. The man again was quite surprised, and by this point was beginning to wonder where this was leading. He hesitated, before answering again. "No, no I’m not." The clown leaned forward. And then looked round at the audience, everyone on tenterhooks, waiting for the clown's response. "Well then," said the clown. "You must be no end of an ass!" And with that, the tent came alive with shrieks of laughter. The whole audience was in stitches, and so was the clown, in fact, everyone was, but with one exception. The spotlight remained on the man, his mouth agape. He had just been utterly humiliated. A lone teardrop rolled down his cheek. The man burst into tears. His childhood dreams had been shattered, his idol, his role model, the very thing he adored most in the world, had just made a complete fool of him. The man drove home and collapsed on his bed, shivering and crying for hours on end. He slowly sank into an extreme depression, he was unable to work, lost all his friends, his social life, the ones he loved.
Many years later, the man was still not the same as before. He had lost his lust for life, and nothing seemed to matter to him any more. He even attempted suicide. For the man's dreams and one true love had been destroyed in that split second, and his life was ruined. More months passed. The man grew increasingly resentful. He wanted to get revenge for what the clown had done to him. He relived the events over and over in his head, trying to think what he could have done differently. Eventually, the opportunity the man was waiting for arrived. The circus was coming to town again. The man, still distraught by his first encounter all those years ago, determined that the best way to overcome his depression would be to face the source of his torment once again. He put on his shoes, got in his car and drove to the circus once more. He had bought a front row ticket once again, almost in the same position as before. Once again, the other events of the show passed by without incident, and for a short while, the man could forget about his troubles, and just enjoy the spectacle. But then the clown came again. And it was the same clown. He looked a fair bit older, but as soon as he set eyes upon him, the man recognised him immediately. The clown did a few tricks, but then he decided to turn upon the audience once more. At first the clown wandered to the opposite side of the ring, but then slowly made his way back toward where the man was sitting. He was about to call upon another member of audience when suddenly he saw something in the corner of his eye. The same man from all those years ago. The clown could not pass this up. He strolled over to the man once again, and the man looked straight back at the clown.
The spotlight came down over the clown as he walked to the edge of the ring. He paused, and peered at the man, then glared knowingly at the audience. There was a long silence. The man was on the edge of his seat, eager to get back at the clown for what he'd said all those years before. Finally the clown said "Are you the back end of an ass?" It was happening all over again. But the man, despite his planning, was paralysed. It must have been the heat of the spotlight, the atmosphere of the audience, or perhaps just the clown, the same clown, looking straight into his eyes. The man didn't know what to do. He had no control over what he was about to say. All he could do was reply, "No". The clown stared at him, and placed his hands on his hips, then lifted a hand to his chin, rubbing it thoughtfully. "Are you the front end of an ass?" asked the clown, glaring at the man. The man still could not think of anything else to say. The same thing that happened before was happening now. The man seized up in fear. "No, no I’m not." The clown leaned forward. And then looked round at the audience, everyone on tenterhooks, waiting for the clown's response. "Well then," said the clown. "You must be no end of an ass!" And with that, the tent came alive with shrieks of laughter once again. The whole audience was in stitches, and so was the clown, in fact, everyone was, but with one exception. The spotlight remained on the man, his mouth agape. He was reliving his nightmare, and this time it was worse. He knew what was coming and he had no power to stop it. A lone teardrop rolled down his cheek. The man burst into tears. After the culmination of all his suffering, and his chance to exact revenge, the man failed in his mission. He drove home and collapsed on his bed, shivering and crying for hours on end.
20 years later. The man was an old man, a soulless husk of his former self, so scarred by what had happened that he could barely speak. This time he was going to kill himself for sure. He decided he would drink himself to death. He drove to a pub, not his local, but one as far away from home as he could find. He sat down at the bar, and began to drown his sorrows, this time, for good. He glanced around the room woefully, looking at all the smiling faces and laughter of the patrons. A man sitting a few stools away was watching him. He began to pity the man, this poor old man, drowning himself in drink. He shifted his seat, moving adjacent to the old man. After a few failed attempts to break the ice and start a conversation, the old man eventually got himself drunk enough to reply to the stranger. He confessed what he had told no-one over all these years. He told his whole story, about his childhood, the clown, his depression, and enduring the same torment 20 years ago. The stranger sympathized, but then he smiled. "I may have an answer for you." He began to whisper to the man. "I happen to know of a very special thing. A scathing retort that can be used that's so perfect, so powerful, that not even the wittiest, most cunning clown of them all could muster a reply." The old man's ears perked up. Could what he be hearing be true? Was there something he could say to the clown and finally get him back after a lifetime of misery? The man shook his head. "I can't do it," he sighed. "It'll just happen again, I couldn't take that." The stranger patted the old man on the back. "Okay," he said, "Why don't I come with you, and then I can tell him this scathing insult, so you don't have to?" The man looked at the stranger, his eyes glistening with hope. Here was his chance to get even. So they shook hands, exchanged numbers, and parted company. Until the circus returned to town.
The man counted the days once again, and this time when he drove to the big top, he met with the stranger from the bar. They both took front row seats, once again. The man was still nervous, he thought it could only go wrong once more. So he said to his new friend, "I can't go through with this. I have to leave." His friend smiled reassuringly and said, "Don't worry. I told you before, this insult is bullet-proof. Nothing can go wrong." And with that, the show began once again. The two men watched the show, it seemed better than ever. The old man knew that this time, it was now or never. There was no turning back. The clown came onto the stage. He was a very old clown now, and with him was a young apprentice, humorously usurping the antics of his forebear. The old clown announced that he was soon to retire. But he still had time for one last joke. He walked slowly around the ring, looking for prime targets, a final victim for which he could go out in a blaze of glory. He peered around carefully. He couldn't believe it. There was the man, once more, sitting, in almost exactly the same position as he was all those years ago. The clown could barely contain his delight, here was his chance to make a fool out of the man who just kept coming back for more. As he approached his old adversary, the old man trembled in the audience. He knew what was coming. But his friend grinned calmly. The clown stopped. "Are you the back end of an ass?" he asked. The man, now too old and frail to even think of a comeback, muttered hesitantly. "No". The clown stared at him, and placed his hands on his hips, then lifted a hand to his chin, rubbing it thoughtfully. "Are you the front end of an ass?" asked the clown, glaring at the man. The man still could not think of anything else to say. "No, no I’m not." The clown leaned forward. And then looked round at the audience, everyone on tenterhooks, waiting for the clown's response. "Well then," said the clown. "You must be no end of an ass!" At that point, the old man's companion leaned in to the spotlight. He called to the old clown above the din of the roaring laughter of the audience. The clown could hear him, and he gestured for the spectators to quieten down. Gradually the laughter subsided, and a strange hush fell over the arena. Everyone was fixated upon this strange man, who had broken all the rules by interrupting the clown in his moment of triumph. The clown cupped a palm to his ear. The old man's friend said, "Er, Mister Clown? Excuse me, Mister clown fellow." The clown, who was now paying full attention to this strange man, replied "Yes?" The old man sat bolt upright in his seat, peering nervously at his friend, anxiously waiting to hear what he had to say. His friend said, "Mister clown fellow? FUCK OFF."
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Old 09-07-2005, 02:10 PM   #96
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^^ wow, if oyu typed all that up, i'm very impressed. haha
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Old 09-07-2005, 03:12 PM   #97
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What kind of bees give milk?





















Boobies.
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Old 09-07-2005, 11:18 PM   #98
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^^Hahaha RR, did one of the kids tell you that one?
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Old 09-08-2005, 12:39 AM   #99
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...how the hell did you know?

As a matter of fact, yeah....my little Emily told me that joke, over the telephone......(Mrs RR had something to do with it...)
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Old 09-09-2005, 02:15 PM   #100
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the "guys" rules

This isn't so much a 'corny joke', bud didn't know where else to post

The "Guys" Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the
guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched! We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.



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Old 09-09-2005, 03:53 PM   #101
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Heres a shit one i heard before

The US Navys flagship is patrolling the Atlantic, and ends up off the coast of Ireland, it spots a something on radar and sends a message

US Captain: This is the US flagship you are on a collision course with us, please change your course

A man with a thick Irish accent resonds
Irish Guy: Errr we might have trouble doing that, maybe you should adjust course

US Captain: Do you know who your talking to, we can blow you out of the sea

Irish Guy: It is impossible for us to change course

US Captain: Why because you farm boys don't know how to change course

Irish guy: No because this is a lighthouse jackass
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Old 09-09-2005, 03:56 PM   #102
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that one was really ad
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Old 09-09-2005, 03:58 PM   #103
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There were two peanuts walking down the street.........one was assaulted



*say it outloud to yourself
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Old 09-10-2005, 12:02 PM   #104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dismantled
There were two peanuts walking down the street.........one was assaulted



*say it outloud to yourself
Hey, where were you last night???? We went to see Jerry Seinfeld at the Long Beach Terrace Theater...during an Encore Q & A, he said that was one of his favorite jokes!!!
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Old 09-10-2005, 12:07 PM   #105
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Quote:
Originally posted by RedrocksU2
What kind of bees give milk?


Boobies.
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