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Old 07-15-2003, 09:35 AM   #1
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Ask the Agony Ant! It's easy!

Alright folks, I know I've been flakey in the past, though I do try to answer all questions that come my way (well I'm sorry, but I am a VERY important and busy person, so FUCK YOU very much you ungrateful fetuses!). But this time it's for real: ask the Agony Ant a question and you could WIN your own weight in self-help books.

Yes, it's that easy! Just ask the Agony Ant a goddam question about ANYTHING at all, and you could win your own weight in such bestselling tomes as Anthony Robbins' 'Unleash the Giant Within'.*

Drop on by to my website asktheagonyant.com TODAY and read some of the testimonials from my many delighted clients, including popular TV comic Bob Saget, motivational speaker Jim Cunningham and gardening guru Martha Stewart.

I can help you resolve your own personal issues in the format of 3-minute entertaining quotations from various pithy dead people, just like I did for these many well-known celebrities! No obligation!

Let's let Bob Saget have the last word. Bob says: "Dear Agony Ant, before I asked you about my problems, I was a walking timebomb, an emotional shipwreck liable to go off at any moment. How can I ever thank you for putting me back on the righteous path? No, not money, I'm broke, I fucking told you I don't have any money..."



(*May not be used in conjunction with any other offer).
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Old 07-15-2003, 11:08 AM   #2
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dear aunt agony ant,

my family and i arent getting along very well of late. every time we get together verbal abuse gets thrown around faster than bullshit at a seniors home. the problem began when i started dating my parents daughter. indeed, she is my sister, and yes we are 100 per cent blood related.

i love my sister, but i dont want to lose my parents love. what do i do?

~agonized in altona
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Old 07-15-2003, 11:13 AM   #3
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Dear AntAgony,

My getupandgo just gotupandleft. How can I get it back?
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Old 07-15-2003, 11:41 AM   #4
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The agony and Irony...it's killing me.
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Old 07-15-2003, 01:58 PM   #5
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Dear Agony 'Ant' (though there can only be one Ant);

I have a problem with your avatar. What do I do?



Ant.
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Old 07-15-2003, 10:06 PM   #6
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Dear Agonized in Altona: The real question is, do you love your parents' daughter more than you love your sister? As Abraham Lincoln once mused, what love hath a sister than that for her own flesh and blood? As he might have advised you, get thee to a nunnery, but not before you get thee some lovin'. Your parents should understand that throwing faeces around the room will not solve anything. To quote the late prime minister Sir William Gladstone: "the money power cannot be compromised by the hard place of high interest rates. The true cost of labour cannot be realised without reference to the capacity to pay."

Truly, Agonized in Altona, you must see that you and your sister have much to explore.
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Old 07-15-2003, 10:09 PM   #7
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Dear 'Ant', trust me, I know. I am an Agony Ant, alive on six legs. You got a problem with my face? What you should do, is take a dive.
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Old 07-15-2003, 11:13 PM   #8
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Dear Agont Ant,
I'm a modern girl, and subscribe to many of the new customs that have become a part of our culture of late, but I seem to be running into issues with others who do not share my free willed take on life. The other day I was sunning myself at the park and was horrified when an elderly couple walked by and demanded that I "put on a pair of pants for god's sake." They then called me a hippy and implied that I was a communist. Now I ask you, what is a girl to do? Should I be held at bay from my natural pants-less state simply because of the wishes of a few uptight seniors?
Nude in Nantucket
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Old 07-16-2003, 12:45 AM   #9
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Dear Double A:

I was walking down in the local park when I noticed a pretentious bird jabbering on about the local plebiscite regarding the etching of hearts in Oak Trees. Is this time honored tradition out-dated like the expired tiny milk residing within the mini-bar of my current residence... which happens to be the cardboard façade behind the high-class accomodations of the Park City Ramada? Is vandalism in the pursuit of art a more profound gesture, or is physical graffiti in gratuitous proportions the way to go?

---> Tantalized in Tiera del Fuego's Tall Tree Tower.
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Old 07-16-2003, 11:36 AM   #10
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dear agony aunt,

how's everything cooking?

as of lately ive been trying to find some peace of mind after some troublesome times. yes, my boss hit me in the face and also my favorite pet serpent died b/c of brain damage. i decided to a) have a sex change and join the convent or b) just join the monastery. what do you think i should do?

take care and loads of hugs.

flaming friar sr
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Old 07-16-2003, 12:29 PM   #11
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i never realized we had this many messed up people here. i mean, i knew there were lots of coldplay fans, but this is rediculous.
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Old 07-16-2003, 02:42 PM   #12
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don't ya hate it when you order a strawberry shake and you get one of those strawberries stuck in the straw as you are trying to sip it? i do. you know what i do then? i follow bear's example and suck hard.

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Old 07-16-2003, 02:47 PM   #13
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suck me.
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Old 07-16-2003, 02:52 PM   #14
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Old 07-16-2003, 04:36 PM   #15
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Dear Agony Ant,

Whats your favorite kind of ice cream?

signed

EP
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