Ask the Agony Ant! It's easy!

[asktheagonyant]

Alright folks, I know I've been flakey in the past, though I do try to answer all questions that come my way (well I'm sorry, but I am a VERY important and busy person, so FUCK YOU very much you ungrateful fetuses!). But this time it's for real: ask the Agony Ant a question and you could WIN your own weight in self-help books.

Yes, it's that easy! Just ask the Agony Ant a goddam question about ANYTHING at all, and you could win your own weight in such bestselling tomes as Anthony Robbins' 'Unleash the Giant Within'.*

Drop on by to my website asktheagonyant.com TODAY and read some of the testimonials from my many delighted clients, including popular TV comic Bob Saget, motivational speaker Jim Cunningham and gardening guru Martha Stewart.

I can help you resolve your own personal issues in the format of 3-minute entertaining quotations from various pithy dead people, just like I did for these many well-known celebrities! No obligation!

Let's let Bob Saget have the last word. Bob says: "Dear Agony Ant, before I asked you about my problems, I was a walking timebomb, an emotional shipwreck liable to go off at any moment. How can I ever thank you for putting me back on the righteous path? No, not money, I'm broke, I fucking told you I don't have any money..."



(*May not be used in conjunction with any other offer).

 

[Red Ships of Scalla-Festa]

dear aunt agony ant,

my family and i arent getting along very well of late. every time we get together verbal abuse gets thrown around faster than bullshit at a seniors home. the problem began when i started dating my parents daughter. indeed, she is my sister, and yes we are 100 per cent blood related.

i love my sister, but i dont want to lose my parents love. what do i do?

~agonized in altona

 

[MrBrau1]

Dear AntAgony,

My getupandgo just gotupandleft. How can I get it back?

 

[zonelistener]

The agony and Irony...it's killing me.

 

[Anthony]

Dear Agony 'Ant' (though there can only be one Ant);

I have a problem with your avatar. What do I do?



Ant.

 

[asktheagonyant]

Dear Agonized in Altona: The real question is, do you love your parents' daughter more than you love your sister? As Abraham Lincoln once mused, what love hath a sister than that for her own flesh and blood? As he might have advised you, get thee to a nunnery, but not before you get thee some lovin'. Your parents should understand that throwing faeces around the room will not solve anything. To quote the late prime minister Sir William Gladstone: "the money power cannot be compromised by the hard place of high interest rates. The true cost of labour cannot be realised without reference to the capacity to pay."

Truly, Agonized in Altona, you must see that you and your sister have much to explore.

 

[asktheagonyant]

Dear 'Ant', trust me, I know. I am an Agony Ant, alive on six legs. You got a problem with my face? What you should do, is take a dive.

 

[notiti]

Dear Agont Ant,
I'm a modern girl, and subscribe to many of the new customs that have become a part of our culture of late, but I seem to be running into issues with others who do not share my free willed take on life. The other day I was sunning myself at the park and was horrified when an elderly couple walked by and demanded that I "put on a pair of pants for god's sake." They then called me a hippy and implied that I was a communist. Now I ask you, what is a girl to do? Should I be held at bay from my natural pants-less state simply because of the wishes of a few uptight seniors?
Nude in Nantucket

 

[cujo]

Dear Double A:

I was walking down in the local park when I noticed a pretentious bird jabbering on about the local plebiscite regarding the etching of hearts in Oak Trees. Is this time honored tradition out-dated like the expired tiny milk residing within the mini-bar of my current residence... which happens to be the cardboard fa?ade behind the high-class accomodations of the Park City Ramada? Is vandalism in the pursuit of art a more profound gesture, or is physical graffiti in gratuitous proportions the way to go?

---> Tantalized in Tiera del Fuego's Tall Tree Tower.

 

[Flaming Friar Sr]

dear agony aunt,

how's everything cooking?

as of lately ive been trying to find some peace of mind after some troublesome times. yes, my boss hit me in the face and also my favorite pet serpent died b/c of brain damage. i decided to a) have a sex change and join the convent or b) just join the monastery. what do you think i should do?

take care and loads of hugs.

flaming friar sr

 

[Red Ships of Scalla-Festa]

i never realized we had this many messed up people here. i mean, i knew there were lots of coldplay fans, but this is rediculous.

 

[kariatari]

don't ya hate it when you order a strawberry shake and you get one of those strawberries stuck in the straw as you are trying to sip it? i do. you know what i do then? i follow bear's example and suck hard.

 

[Red Ships of Scalla-Festa]

suck me.

 

[kariatari]

 

[Elvis Presley]

Dear Agony Ant,

Whats your favorite kind of ice cream?

signed

EP

 

[FizzingWhizzbees]

Dear Agony Ant,

Do you regret attempting to introduce the poll tax?

 

[tiny dancer]

suck me.

 

[yertle-the-turtle]

dear agony ant,

i have a terrible desire to kill all ants.

you're next.

unsigned

 

[Red Ships of Scalla-Festa]

agony ant, where are you? you said you were gonna be on top of all these shitty questions. where are you now. when i need you?

 

[Flaming Friar Sr]

yes id like to know that.

 

[asktheagonyant]

What is it with you people? You always want things. You want a piece of me? I'll give you a hearty helping.

I don't regret a thing and by the way, you must have me confused with someone else. Go buy my new motivational video now available at asktheagonyant.com, otherwise, fuck off.

If it's good enough for Bob Saget, it's good enough for you.

Here is my standard form answer to all outstanding questions:

You must follow your dreams and look out for unexpected hurdles, for, as Bertrand Russell once noted, life is like a leaky condom. You never know what you might conceive.

 

[Red Ships of Scalla-Festa]

what a cop-out. come on everyone, lets get the agony ant banned!

 

[mad1]

No no dont ban the Aunt! She justgoing thru some 'late-life' crisis at present and needs our support as well as shipping out to her some new cardigans, pleated skirts, knitting needles and new angular glasses!


Dear Agony Rant!

Mr Deathbear told me to look at his personal massausage yesterday.

But there was nothing there.

What do I do?

 

[MrBrau1]

False Advertising!

 

[Flaming Friar Sr]

phony

 

[MrBrau1]

You've wasted 5 minutes of my life, and i want it back!

 

[Red Ships of Scalla-Festa]

mad and ant, the people have spoken. your heads will be on a platter destined for mcdonalds by noon tommorow.