An Intervention

[cujo]

Dear Michael Griffiths,

It has come to my attention that your attraction for a certain "Great One" has encroached upon all facets of your life... forcing you to post miscellaneous, and quite arbitrary threads. I'm addressing you, as a pillar of support... maybe reach you on a profound level of reason and logic. Logic? Don't worry, we'll get to that later. But in the mean time, all the sports forum inhabitants have come together to share their thoughts about your dependency, your vice... one Wayne Gretzky Esquire.

At first it was endearing, but now it has escalated to minor slash. Gretzky is great, no question... but your possession needs to be taught a lesson.

Demons Out!

 

[cujo]

Also, any other Gretz-aholics need to come forward now. Treatment begins after the hockey game... so get ready for a lot of group hugs.

 

[zonelistener]

*Looks at watch

Oh, I give this thread four posts, at best, before the netfloozies take it over.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I have no ho love for Gretz.

 

[Michael Griffiths]

Cujo, I thought you of all people could appreciate that article. I'm the only one who posts these little anecdotes in here! Doesn't that bring a welcomed facet/dimension to this *sports* forum? You can post stuff about, say, Babe Ruth if you like...and maybe I, along with others, would read them, but you don't. Not a lot of people know too much about the greats, and it just happens that I know a lot about #99, so I post stuff about him.

You know, however, there is one obsession in here that *all* of us have, and maybe that's the one we should be concentrating on. Yes, it's U2. Just got to EYIW, and you'll see anecdotes a plenty. Now those people have serious issues.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

 

[cujo]

Now those people have serious issues.

Who said anything about being serious? I enjoy your schoolgirl crush on the great one... post all you want, I thought I'd just rub it in...insulting is the greatest form of flattery isn't it?

Oh wait it isn't.


PS- listener... good one

 

[Michael Griffiths]

*comes out of Gretzky closet and opens change with open arms*

Okay, Cujo, you've got me....*tears streaming down face*...

I just couldn't go on any further!!! *embarrassing yowl*

I needed someone to fixate on! I needed a hero *wavering voice*

I needed someone to live my pathetic life through, to live vicariously through someone else's brilliancy *all melodrama employed*

I needed a reason.....*dramatic pause*....to live.

Can you accept this, please say you will *begins to sob*

*in stern voice* I will help myself Cujo, if you accept me

*bashfully looks for a hug...from someone....anyone*

 

[Lilly]

i can be your hero baby


i can kiss away the pain

 

[cujo]

Lilly.

Let the healing process begin brother.

We're going to take you off your strict regiment of Pro Stars breakfast cereal... and then, the hairstyle.

Your throw-back feathered hair from the 80's Wayne era is no longer suitable.

It will take 12 steps, and a lot of hugs.

Step One:

 

[Michael Griffiths]

*soft elevator piano begins to play in the background*

You know, I was once scared of success, scared to let go of the trappings I grew to love...well, thought I loved. But through you wonderful, wonderful friends...well....*begins to tear up again*...I'm finally free!!!!

*embraces all in overpour of emotion*

Thank....you. *yilpe*

 

[cujo]

Step Two:

Removing WG posters from your ceiling and bathroom. And that life-size Gretz mock-up is a fire hazard.

It will take awhile before I can truly say "this house is clear".

 

[Lilly]

i think also the only wearing a gretz jersey every day concept needs to be cut off with the sweet, sweet feathered hair.


that or at LEAST get more than one, the stink is making the children wary of you michael.

 

[Bbug]

MICHAEL! Think of all the questionable things Gretzky's done. Like when his name popped up in the Gold Club trial. Those Sony Handycam commercials in which he exploited that mullet-wearing child. The Tylenol commercials. Like when the plexiglass fell on his wife in NY and he didn't accompany her to the hospital. He's not worthy of your adulation...he's a flawed, flawed man with a big ugly nose. So he played a game better than everyone else. So what. LET IT GO, BROTHER!
Regards, Beebs

 

[Michael Griffiths]

*confession time*

I'm sorry, but I broke down today. I was doing so well for well over a year, but today I finally watched a gretzky tape. I watched the first period of his last game in the NHL. I watched it from the beginning...watched the pre-game ceromony, watched Glen Sather, Mario Lemieux and Mark Messier all pay adulation to him. I wathed him set up in his "office" one last time, and make a mockery of the opposing players. I watched the best player ever today. Help me!!!

*Tearful and looking for salvation

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

isn't that where that lame ass sang about the "land of wayne gretzkeeeee?"


*throws Stevie Y jersey in Michael's direction and prays for speedy recovery


*tosses in some savaltion as well

 

[Lilly]

i think watching a portion of a game shows you're getting stronger michael.


your will is not as strong as wayne's, so you're obviously going to crack at some point, hey?


it's like having a bit of chocolate while on a diet.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

this is quite a funny thread!

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

indeed.


i borrowed his biography from our local library and read it 5 times in high school (gretz's, not michael's, )

 

[cujo]

You can find Michael's biography in the beaded-curtain section:

From The Gutter To The Pole and Back Again.

Transcribed by Joan Collins.

Books on Tape by Sir Richard Attenborough.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

 

[Bbug]

*bump*

MICHAEL! I thought you were over the gretzky thing.

*worry*

 

[Michael Griffiths]

I was doing so well, but you know an addict needs constant support, right? *whimper*

 

[Bbug]

well, I'm here if you need me Michael.

 

[Michael Griffiths]

Thanks, Bbug...it's nice to have fellow bugs like you around to lean on

 

[GrampsMagee]

If you need an ape to lean on, I am here for you as well.

Be warned! however, O be warned, my young fellow primate, that my apey hips are somewhat brittle, and may give way under the added pressure.

*shake of my apey old head* Ah, what a Forum Title! My apey friend, take care. If you want to speak to a Health-Care Professional, I can recommend one from my retirement home.

Take care, young primate! I leave you with:

*coconut of feel-better-soon*

*palm frond of primate solidarity!*

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

you and your apey advice.

 

[cujo]

I hearby resign as head coordinator for Gretzaholics Anonymous. I have personal matters to attend to... apparently my lack of morals have once again spawned another victim.

toodle-oo.

The position is now open for volunteers.

 

[Michael Griffiths]

Cujo,

I'm am very disappointed in you. This was a cry for help! And all you can do is turn your sick back away when a suffering friend needs you most

Anyway, I've got a question for you...you live in Calgary, right? Do you like Cascar racing at all? My friend co-owns a race car with his friend who drives the car. Anyway, they're going to be racing in Calgary next week in one of the biggest races this year...I was thinking of going...they're going to be sponsored by Hooters! hahaha...this means, I could party with Hooters girls hahahahaha! I wouldn't know whether to laugh of cry...on second thought, I'd probably laugh.

Anyway, if you are a fan, keep an eye out for #34 (it's a blue car with yellow numbers). Darren Turner is the name.

 

[cujo]

I've got your sick back Michael.

Maybe in a decreased capacity... you Cougar City Lunatic.

PS- I'm not really into the racing scene... it would probably be at Racecity Speedway. Near the City Dump. Hmm... remind me why I don't go there that often... they're also holding the Vans Warped Tour there as well.