American Idol-The Top 12 are Announced
After a couple weeks of getting rid of Idol cannon fodder like Garret Haley and Amy Davis (uh, who, you ask) we have finally arrived to the announcement of the top 12. But first we must endure a performance by season 6 finalist Blake Lewis. Blake sings “How Many Words.” Well, I’ve got five. I Don’t Like This Song. Was Blake’s beatboxing as irritating last year as it was during his performance?
Okay, Blake’s done. I’m sure he hopes his performance raises his dismal CD sales. But I can’t contemplate that right now. 36 million Americans with no lives whatsoever voted for their favorite contestants. And we find out that Paula’s single is the number 1 downloaded video on iTunes. Simon can’t turn to Paula to say congratulations. Well, in her state, I doubt Paula can say congratulations either.
Now it’s time to announce the finalists. There are sixteen contestants but only twelve will sit on the bed pans of destiny. The guys are up first. David Cook is a finalist as is David Archuleta. David A? Well, I didn’t see that coming. Jason Castro is also in the top 12. Wow, I bet he hasn’t been this stoked since he bagged some killer weed and played hacky-sack totally baked.
Now we’re going to announce the names of some top 12 girls. One of my favorites, Brooke White, is a finalist, as is Syesha Mercado. However, it is the end of the line for Kady Malloy. Good riddance. I won’t miss her bitch face or her lack of stage presence.
Before we get to know who else is going to sit on the bedpans of destiny Ryan announces that starting next week, we can call during the show to tell America our thoughts on the show and the contestants. Yea, that’s going to go well.
Now it’s back to the guys. David Hernandez has not been stripped of his place in the top 12. Michael Johns is also a finalist. Luke Mernard, wearing a shirt to rival the ugliness of the shirt that Randy wore this past Tuesday, is not in the top 12. His prettiness could not carry him to Idol victory. But thanks for showing off your muscular arms, Luke.
Hmm, what about the remaining girls? Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson and Amanda Overmyer are in the top 12. Kristy Lee Cook and Asia’h Epperson are summoned by Ryan to the AI seal of doom. Asia’h is going home. My apostrophe key thanks all of America.
Now it’s time for the remaining guys to learn their fate. Danny Noreiga and Chickeze Eze join Ryan on the AI seal of doom. Chickeze is the final contestant to be announced as a member of the top 12 club. Danny, who has been TMTH throughout his Idol tenure, makes his sing out fierce!! His BFF Ramiele has a near nervous breakdown. Aw, I understand. I wanted to make Danny my gay boyfriend, too.
So ladies and gentlemen, here are your top 12 American Idol contestants.
1. David Archuleta
2. Jason Castro
3. David Cook
4. Kristy Lee Cook
5. Chickeze Eze
6. David Hernandez
7. Michael Johns
8. Ramiele Malubay
9. Syesha Mercado
10. Amanda Overmyer
11. Carly Smithson
12. Brooke White
Any thoughts other than what the hell has Paula been on this week?