Ah, my shameful TV crack is back! I completely ignored the audition rounds this year and started watching last night. Paula's a drunken mess, Randy's still inventing adjectives, Simon is dead-on in his critiques, and Ryan is still the most competent TV host to ever annoy the shit out of me. Basically, nothing's changed.
I missed the first four contestants, but if the recap at the end is any indication, Chikeze Jacuzzi thought he was auditioning for the Pips and wore a suit so bright that it's visible from space. And someone sang "Moon River," which is the Idol equivalent of slitting your wrists onstage. Bad move, dude. Of the rest, the ones who made impressions on me, good or bad:
Robbie - The stench of "poseur" has never wafted so strongly from a contestant as it does from you. You know how a hot road in the desert gives off steam and makes everything look blurry? That's kind of what was happening here, the poseur waves were pouring off you so strongly. Fortunately for you, you've got a strong pop voice, but quit digging in Bret Michaels' closet, mmkay?
David A. - Too. Young. Kid's got pipes and I love "Shop Around," but I can't get over his age. It's like watching a high school talent show. Come back when you've hit puberty, because the Idol machine is going to chew you up and spit you out and leave you a bitter young man working as a busboy by the time you're 21.
Danny - Oh sweet christ. If Danny and Christian from Project Runway were to ever cross paths, their combined fierceness and fabulosity would rip a hole in the space/time continuum and swallow the Earth whole. God help us all.
And the theme was "Songs from the 60s," so Danny failed on two points, here: (1) Is "Jailhouse Rock" even a song, really? There are no notes in it, as far as I can tell. (2) It came out in 1957. If you make it another week, try something that'll show off your voice, princess.
Garrett - Someone get this poor kid off the show, like yesterday, and give him a damn sandwich already. He'll need years of therapy to get over this experience.
Jason C. - Against all better judgment, he was my favorite. Granted, I can play "Daydream" on guitar, and a trained chimpanzee could probably play better than I can, but the guitar was a nice touch. And I generally don't like guys who are prettier than I am, but for some reason... yeah, I dunno. It worked for me.
Michael - I should have been thrilled at the prospect of a guy who actually sounds like a man when he sings, but this struck me as competent bar-band and little else. The guy's definitely a pro onstage. Final five at least.
that song and I really need someone to redeem if after what Alexis Actressing Cohen did to in in the audition rounds.
He is a skinny one!
I want to be best friends with both of them.
