AI Recaps Jan. 31st
LA Auditions
We’re going to Hollywood-literally. Will Tinsel Town bring us a superstar or make us want to throw ourselves to our death from the Hollywood sign? Olivia Newton-John is the one that we want...to help with the judging.
Martique: He claims he is eccentric. Well, that’s one way of putting it. After giving us one of the most bizarre opening moments in AI history, Martique er, sings, raps, um, I have no idea what he’s doing. Before his audition Martique claimed he wanted to be a singer, rapper, model, author, and choreographer. Now he can add trainwreck to his resume.
Shelandrick(?): He comes across as a Barry White wannabe. After singing, Barry turns in his grave.
Marianna: Someone must tell her that the Coyote Ugly look is so 1999. Marianna sings “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” I think we all know the answer to that question. Not only does Marianna get on her knees and beg the judges to let her through to Hollywood, she also brings her MILF of a mother to get them to change their minds. And despite Randy and Simon thinking Marianna’s mom is a stone cold fox, the answer is still no.
Alana: Alana has been a struggling artist. If this doesn’t work out, Alana says she’s going to go to college. Hey, nothing wrong with going to college. After the past few train wrecks, Alana is welcome relief. She has husky, warm tone that I’ve always liked, but sadly doesn’t seem to go far on AI. Perhaps this will change.
Phuong: Sex-change Taylor (and ethnicity-change Taylor). She gives us some crocodile tears about her family not supporting her musical dreams. There is a reason why. She can’t sing or dance at all! I had to avert my eyes and plug my ears. She’s that bad. She should also not evoke the name of Taylor Hicks in front of Simon. Simon hates Taylor.
Brandon: Brandon is a back up singer who has backed both Anastasia and Christina Aguilera. He better have the chops. Yes, he does have the chops-what a soulful, warm tone to his voice. Paula is practically creaming her drawers (Corey Clark, Paula, Corey Clark). And Brandon also has a great smile. He gets the golden ticket.
Brian: Brian got through to Hollywood last year and then choked. Now Brandon is back better than ever. Randy, Paula, and Olivia give him the yes to another AI chance. Simon thinks Brian is forgettable.
Sherman: Sherman is an old man who recently lost his lady love. His story brings tears to Paula’s eyes (Or maybe it's her meds). Sherman sings the old classic, “You Belong to Me” and has a pretty decent voice. Too bad he’s about forty years past the cut off age.
Now we have soulmates Darryl and Cavette. They are totally PDA city.
Cavette: Also known as Sparkles, Cavette brings it like it’s supposed to be brought. Too bad it’s not singing that’s been brought. Her flirting with Simon the hottie is really unnerving.
Darryl: Can you sing with a grill? Grill or no grill. Darryl can’t sing. Darryl and Cavette won’t be the idol finalist sweethears afterall. Oh well, they’ll always have the bus stop.
Anthony: He sings “You Light Up My Life.” As if that song isn’t bad enough.
Eric: Eric tells us he has been training for AI for two years. He sings and neither his voice nor the song he sings sounds human. Just what is he singing? We then found out that Eric trained with Randy and Paula’s DVD “Sing Like a Star.” It’s a real DVD, not a joke found in the Onion. Randy and Paula have an actual DVD. Simon finds this hysterical, and I bet the DVD makes a great gag gift.
At the end of two days in Hollywood, 39 people received the golden ticket, and they are going to Hollywood. Oh wait, they already are in Hollywood.
Next week, AI goes to San Antonio.
