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Old 09-19-2005, 02:53 AM   #61
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I guess my thoughts on the 'priorities' are this:

Of course I am not a mom yet so I cannot absolutely know how things will be, but bottom line - if I am not in tune with God, I am not going to be the best wife or mother that I can be. Of course, if one of the kids starts screaming or the house is on fire while I am having a prayer time, I'm not just going to turn a blind eye and say, "They'll have to wait, I'm with God right now, He comes first!"

Young children do tend to have very urgent needs that can take much of your focus. I think where people get into trouble is giving ALL of their energy to the kids and having nothing left over for their spouse or God. If you cater to the children's every whim and your every waking moment is centered on them, your relationship with your spouse and with God will suffer, and then you're back full circle to not being the parent you should be.

It is the little things that establish your priorities, like being firm about having the kids go to bed at a reasonable time so you and your spouse can have quiet time together. It means getting up early in the morning, even when you are tired and don't feel like it, to read and pray. Again, I know this is all theoretical in my situation, but nathan1977 has it right with, "We will be in the house together long after the kids have left, so it's kind of incumbent on us to put each other and our marriage first. Best advice I got about being a father (mother): "the best way to be a good father is to be a good husband (wife)."

I am going to be a better wife if my heart is focused on God. When I love Him with all my heart, soul, and strength and nurture my relationship with Him, the other things naturally fall into their proper place.

And I understand that if you don't ascribe to all the 'God' stuff, then probably none of this makes any sense. I wonder if people think well, if God's gotta be first, that leaves 9 hours a day for Him, 8 hours a day for the spouse, and 7 hours a day for the kids. It's not about the time, it's about the priority. But 'priority' can mean many different things to many different people

Sorry for rambling
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Old 09-19-2005, 06:17 AM   #62
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I think you just expressed my exact views on that subject bonosloveslave.
Its not like Im saying I would neglect my kids or ignore them. Im just saying that the health of my relationship with my husband and God must be good in order for me to be a good mom.
And I consider my husband as one flesh with me. Somebody I should consider before myself. I realize that in order to be nurturing to him I need to be healthy and happy so I need to make sure my needs are met, but beyond that I would rather say, make him dinner over doing something I would rather be doing like playing my guitar or something.
Thats a really bad example
But Im sure that all the women who have children are right in that my feelings about having children will change once I have them.
I just dont want to lose my time for my husband as soon as they step into the picture. I see couples here that have a very good balance between the two and their kids are so well adjusted its kind of scary
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Old 09-19-2005, 06:30 AM   #63
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Quote:
Originally posted by bonosloveslave
I guess my thoughts on the 'priorities' are this:

Of course I am not a mom yet so I cannot absolutely know how things will be, but bottom line - if I am not in tune with God, I am not going to be the best wife or mother that I can be. Of course, if one of the kids starts screaming or the house is on fire while I am having a prayer time, I'm not just going to turn a blind eye and say, "They'll have to wait, I'm with God right now, He comes first!"

Young children do tend to have very urgent needs that can take much of your focus. I think where people get into trouble is giving ALL of their energy to the kids and having nothing left over for their spouse or God. If you cater to the children's every whim and your every waking moment is centered on them, your relationship with your spouse and with God will suffer, and then you're back full circle to not being the parent you should be.

It is the little things that establish your priorities, like being firm about having the kids go to bed at a reasonable time so you and your spouse can have quiet time together. It means getting up early in the morning, even when you are tired and don't feel like it, to read and pray. Again, I know this is all theoretical in my situation, but nathan1977 has it right with, "We will be in the house together long after the kids have left, so it's kind of incumbent on us to put each other and our marriage first. Best advice I got about being a father (mother): "the best way to be a good father is to be a good husband (wife)."

I am going to be a better wife if my heart is focused on God. When I love Him with all my heart, soul, and strength and nurture my relationship with Him, the other things naturally fall into their proper place.

And I understand that if you don't ascribe to all the 'God' stuff, then probably none of this makes any sense. I wonder if people think well, if God's gotta be first, that leaves 9 hours a day for Him, 8 hours a day for the spouse, and 7 hours a day for the kids. It's not about the time, it's about the priority. But 'priority' can mean many different things to many different people

Sorry for rambling
I can understand you better now, thank you.

I guess my relationship to God is just different; I don´t separate things like God and love. When I love my wife, or my kids - see, I am not at this point yet, because I don´t have kids, and not sure if I want any, but anyway - when I love, I am also worshipping God with this act. The family, marriage, those things are very much connected to religion, and generally it is acting in God´s will - in compare of having many different sexual partners, for example (which can also be acting in God´s will, if it is not a mere sexual act, but you share love and care). So if I care for my own family, I don´t need to get up in the morning to pray (but rather to make the kids stop whining and maybe coffee for my wife, once in a while). My prayer is the love I share. My prayer is making love.

Priority can mean different things to different people, I agree. Always depending on the situation...
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Old 09-19-2005, 06:49 AM   #64
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Thats a good point.
I believe that in loving my husband I am in a way glorifiying God and trying to emulate perfect love in a way.
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Old 09-19-2005, 11:23 AM   #65
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I dont believe in god
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Old 09-19-2005, 12:14 PM   #66
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I sort of feel like I have fallen into a time machine when I read this thread.

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Old 09-19-2005, 12:17 PM   #67
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I don't get it though, I'm not in tune with god as bls put it, yet I live a fufilling life and everyone loves me. I'm not questioning anyone's faith, it just always been strange to me that I can be so unreligious and not suffer from it.
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Old 09-19-2005, 12:19 PM   #68
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Old 09-19-2005, 12:20 PM   #69
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Perhaps that was a bit too 'Goal is Soul' for here.
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Old 09-19-2005, 12:25 PM   #70
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Know that sometimes you have to be willing to be the bigger person even though it kills you. That was a hard one for me. Always laugh it helps tough spots at times. Never give up on eachother. God is your glue. Good luck to you and your hubby. (My hubby and I will be married 4 yrs in a couple of weeks)
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Old 09-19-2005, 12:26 PM   #71
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You edited your post.

My was in reference to the first post, not the second edited post.
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Old 09-19-2005, 12:34 PM   #72
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Quote:
Originally posted by U2SavesTheWorld

i dont think i will ever get married. i dont see myself putting a man first in my life. im far too selfish and i put my own needs before anyone else's.

for me it would go:

1. Me
2. Me
3. Me
4. Husband

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Old 09-19-2005, 12:38 PM   #73
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Quote:
Originally posted by U2SavesTheWorld
You edited your post.

My was in reference to the first post, not the second edited post.
Yeah, I elaborated because I could see how my original could be misunderstood. Happens alot to me.
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Old 09-19-2005, 12:43 PM   #74
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Quote:
Originally posted by bonosloveslave
Make sure it is God first, spouse second, kids third, and everything else comes after that.
15+ years of marriage here - I'd say this is the right order.


As has been said many times, communication is key. Especially on the more difficult topics (money, sex, children).

While not one for self promotion, check out this thread for some other bits and pieces.

And bravo for asking the question. You and your husband should find mentors - people who are 5-15 years ahead of you in life to talk to and learn from.
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Old 09-19-2005, 12:45 PM   #75
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And to clarify on the hierarchy questions, I believe I need to be a good husband before I can be a good father. If our marriage is strong, our mutual ability to parent our children is strengthened.
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