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Old 09-18-2005, 01:43 PM   #46
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Originally posted by u2bonogirl

But it would be a hard thing trying to keep a straight face arguing naked about whether or not we're having chicken or beef tonight
Exactly.
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Old 09-18-2005, 02:35 PM   #47
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I guess Im willing to make the leap and put my trust in my marriage.
Okay I'm going to sound like a total idiot here but I've just seen it happen too many times to not be able to say this. You know that Tim is a great guy and all; I just worry that if the relationship turns sour (and by sour I mean really bad, like abuse, whether physical or emotional) that you'll stay, hoping that "it'll get better". You seem too level-headed to fall into this twisted thinking, so this post isn't necessarily just for you, but for anyone who reads it. I used to work with a gal who had a husband that was out of control, but because he was never violent with her, she stayed. Not only did she stay, she decided that if they had a baby together that the marriage would get better. (He lied to her, he cheated on her, he ruined her credit by writing bad checks for everything - and those are just the highlights.) She sought counseling while she was about 3 months pregnant from a Catholic priest, who told her to leave her husband. A CATHOLIC priest told her to get a divorce - WHILE she was pregnant, that's how bad it was. But nope, she stayed, had the baby, and the last I heard this loser was having violent fits in front of the baby, which included throwing steak knives around in the air. And she talked about it at work like she had just tried a new recipe she'd found in Better Homes & Gardens or something. She really didn't think it was a problem. <<ugh>> I get so riled up when I remember that. Anyway. On to happier thoughts.

The best advice I can give is to laugh. Laugh with each other, and laugh often. My honey and I have been together for 11 years, married for 4 of those years. He's a twice-a-year Catholic (goes to church Xmas and Easter), I'm still on a spiritual journey of my own (I guess you call it agnostic?), so God doesn't play a whole heck of a lot of a big role in our lives to be perfectly honest, but I've no doubt that laughter would be an essential for a faith-centered marriage as well. An example: Once I was just having a terrible day. Nothing went right at work, stress was building up, I had to make a phone call to someplace (don't remember exactly what) but I had to do it before they closed at 5:00 or something. When I got through to the place I was calling, I didn't pay attention to what was going on and I ended up stepping barefoot on wet cat food. UGH! I could have just exploded or broken down at that moment, but luckily my husband was there, and he just laughed. He was kind of laughing at me, yes, but then I looked down at my foot and realized how ridiculous it looked with squishy wet food all between my toes, and I had to laugh myself. And now I don't remember specifics of what happened on that bad day; only that I was able to laugh at my problems. It's helped me not to take myself too seriously - something I think contributes to a successful relationship.

The other thing I'd like to add is that I'm not afraid to put myself first, and I demand that Mr. LG put himself first as well. Now this isn't to mean that we're selfish; it's more of a health issue. Nothing comes before my mental and physical health. The line of thinking is just like how you hear airlines saying "In the event of an emergency, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Be sure to secure your own mask before helping others." I've realized that I cannot be of good use to anybody unless I've got my own ducks in a row. It's this line of thinking that allows me to serve others much more, because I know that I'm helping because I am willing and able to - and not sacrificing my health or my sanity hoping to earn some karma brownie points or something. I hope that makes sense!

I absolutely agree with meegannie - there is no "one size fits all" policy for marriage. I have no doubt that you and Tim will find the right path for the both of you, and that you will have a beautiful, happy, and blessed marriage.

Oh yeah - fights clean and sex dirty. Yep. Although if you don't fight all that much (like me and Mr. LG), you've got much more time for the dirty sex. As a matter of fact, there's something I gotta go do right now...
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Old 09-18-2005, 02:43 PM   #48
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I have a hard time believing that any mother would place her husband before her children. I just absolutely don't buy it.

Growing up, I know we were my mother's (and my father's) first priority and I am eternally grateful to the both of them and feel honoured to have been born their daughter.
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Old 09-18-2005, 02:46 PM   #49
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Quote:
Originally posted by anitram
I have a hard time believing that any mother would place her husband before her children. I just absolutely don't buy it.

Growing up, I know we were my mother's (and my father's) first priority and I am eternally grateful to the both of them and feel honoured to have been born their daughter.
I cant remember but there was some evil bitch a few years ago in the US who killed all her 5 or so children because she felt they were hindering her and her husband's success together.
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Old 09-18-2005, 02:52 PM   #50
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...another advise, don't break the yolks in the eggs........
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Old 09-18-2005, 02:58 PM   #51
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Quote:
Originally posted by u2bonogirl
I guess I was looking at it from the perspective that if somebody is sitting their livingroom praying that their team will win is kind of comic.
I picture God more answering prayers for things that are really good for us. But I dont really know a lot of the christian doctrine of prayer beyond that sometimes they are answered and sometimes they are not. But that God also has infinitely more wisdom than we do.

But, I could see God listening to a player praying for the strength to get through a game or the guts to get out there and play when he's nervous. those kind of things. Things that are personal and that are honest pleas for help
You got it right honey and don't let anyone tell ya different. You and Tim seem to be pretty rooted in your beliefs which is more than most couples can boast.
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Old 09-18-2005, 05:35 PM   #52
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FYI I would never kill my kids to spend more time with my husband. That lady just had mental issues

Lemon grrrl
There was a lady I know that stayed with her husband long after she should have left him and everybody knew she should leave him. I strongly believe in making up your differences but in her case it was just absolutely abusive and dangerous for her and her kids to be around him. I can guarantee you right now that I will never be in a situation like that, but if I ever was I would see it and run away.
Theres a lot of accountability Tim and I have to other people who make sure that things are going okay in our relationship. Somebody would know if things were going south and would do all they could to help.

Laughing is wonderful. I cracked up at the catfood story
We laugh together a lot over really stupid things. One night Tim was in a weird mood and every time I turned my head away from him he would do the pee wee dance in the corner of my eye and then freeze when I looked at him It reminded me of the sketch they used to do on mad TV where the killer was in the department store and every time people looked away from him he would try to attack somebody else and then freeze into these odd positions when they looked at him...
Im a dork
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Old 09-18-2005, 09:13 PM   #53
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Lots of good advice given. The only thing I was gonna add (I was reading this yesterday, but didn't want to post off the top of my head) is to have a sense of humor. You gotta be able to laugh at things. And don't lose your identity. Find who you are and don't try to conform to what someone else thinks you should be...

And have girlfriends... LOL. Make sure you find time for yourself as well as your significant other. Sometimes we just need our own space.

And my daughter is my number one priority. Some might say it should be my husband, but,... I love my daughter to infinity & beyond, nothing I wouldn't do for her... watching her grow up is amazing and bittersweet and so emotional. See, I just welled up with tears typing this
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Old 09-18-2005, 09:35 PM   #54
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I cannot fathom this putting other things, God/Jesus?the husband, above children. Your children?


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Old 09-18-2005, 09:41 PM   #55
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Quote:
Originally posted by Angela Harlem
I cannot fathom this putting other things, God/Jesus?the husband, above children. Your children?




Seems odd to me as well. though, i dont have children so its hard for me to speak on the subject.

i dont think i will ever get married. i dont see myself putting a man first in my life. im far too selfish and i put my own needs before anyone else's.

for me it would go:

1. Me
2. Me
3. Me
4. Husband

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Old 09-18-2005, 09:58 PM   #56
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I dont think being selfish is a problem if you lack a husband and children. We all need to look out for ourselves every once in a while. And sometimes more often.

I do have a problem with assigning a heirarchy to those we love. I have a problem with people placing an idea or a faith of something intangible and unseen which exists only within, above the flesh and blood we give birth to. Children ARE us. How can they be nothing but the most amazing miracle, we as mere humans, will ever witness? For those who dont ever have kids, the balance is worked out with whomever. Once children come into the picture, everything changes. And to be honest, I think those who still place a partner and faith above very real little miracles made by ourselves are...I dont know. I dont understand. I have seen this sentiment expressed before in this forum and I simply do not understand how anythnig can go above what a child is. Partners must always be incredibly important while love lives on. But your children are a part of you, even if they die. They never leave being the unmeasurable part of you that fills and completes you.
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Old 09-18-2005, 10:10 PM   #57
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All very good advice. This year will mark our 35th anniversary! Laughter is absolutely a must in marriage! Also, find time for yourself and remember who you are! It is also good advice to make sure you continue schooling and be able to stand on your own, if necessary.....this means if your spouse gets ill, you have a backup plan! Life usually turns out far different than what you think.

P.S. I'm going to see U2 on 9/20 -- it's almost here! I saw them on 5/9, too. I'm so excited!!
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Old 09-18-2005, 10:15 PM   #58
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Quote:
Originally posted by Angela Harlem


I do have a problem with assigning a heirarchy to those we love. I have a problem with people placing an idea or a faith of something intangible and unseen which exists only within, above the flesh and blood we give birth to. Children ARE us. How can they be nothing but the most amazing miracle, we as mere humans, will ever witness? For those who dont ever have kids, the balance is worked out with whomever. Once children come into the picture, everything changes. And to be honest, I think those who still place a partner and faith above very real little miracles made by ourselves are...I dont know. I dont understand. I have seen this sentiment expressed before in this forum and I simply do not understand how anythnig can go above what a child is. Partners must always be incredibly important while love lives on. But your children are a part of you, even if they die. They never leave being the unmeasurable part of you that fills and completes you.

Very well said. Very well.

I couldn't have said it better myself, obviously.

Perfectly written.
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Old 09-18-2005, 10:18 PM   #59
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Although I am not married, nor do I have kids....I would have to agree completely with AngelaHarlem here, as well as Meggie.

I truly believe that the "little miracles" come before all. I look forward to creating the miracle(s). I truly feel that this is my life goal: children.

As for Meggie's point, we are all truly individuals, and what works for one does not work for all..

Tara...you are still a teenager. Enjoy life and make sure you still keep a focus on yourself!
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Old 09-18-2005, 10:19 PM   #60
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AH, beautiful post. I could not agree more.
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