86 Things We Hate About You
By David Schoenfield
ESPN.com Page 2
Draping the huge banner over the Green Monster was terrific. Having Yaz and Johnny Pesky raise the championship flag was a classy touch. Bringing out Bill Russell, Bobby Orr and Tedy Bruschi to throw out the first pitch undoubtedly brought tears to the eyes of many Bostonians.
After 86 years without a World Series title, the Red Sox and their fans deserved such a great ceremony.
But, seriously: Enough is enough.
Enough with the Red Sox.
You won. Excellent. Better you than the Yankees, that's for sure. Still ... it's become just a little too much for the rest of us.
We're starting to dislike the Red Sox. In fact, here are 86 reasons why ...
1. We still have 15 more Red Sox-Yankees games, full of inane hype and ridiculous amounts of attention, left this season, not including a potential playoff matchup.
2. Manny Ramirez's sudden and magical October transformation from absentminded, dim-witted slugger who makes costly baserunning gaffes to lovable, dreadlocked slugger who just plays the game with a little flair.
3. Johnny Damon's hair.
4. Johnny Damon. One .300 season out of four does not make you a star. Enough with the book, the ripping of the ex-wife, and the Page 3 photo galleries.
5. Curt Schilling's bloody sock. Hockey players mock this.
6. 2004 payroll: $127 million.
7. 2005 payroll: $123 million. So far.
8. Carlton Fisk's home run. Here's the deal: YOU LOST GAME 7.
9. Cowboy Up.
10. Ted Williams. The best hitter of his day. But a bad apple. In other words, an old-school Barry Bonds.
11. Derek Lowe's crotch grab in the 2003 playoffs.
12. Jason Varitek's "C" on his uniform. (OK, I admit: I'm still bitter over the Mariners' trading those two guys for Heathcliff Slocumb.)
13. Pumpsie Green. Not Pumpsie himself, but what Pumpsie's playing for the Sox finally meant. If you don't know what I'm talking about, look it up.
14. Butch Hobson, the reckless, error-prone player who was instrumental in the collapse of the '78 Red Sox.
15. Butch Hobson, the coke-sniffing manager of the Red Sox.
16. Hating Bill Buckner for 18 years.
17. Suddenly forgiving Bill Buckner, as if you haven't loathed every fiber of his soul for the past 18 years.
18. Bob Stanley blaming Rich Gedman.
19. Rich Gedman blaming Bob Stanley.
20. Everybody else blaming Calvin Schiraldi.
21. Or John McNamara.
22. "Yankees suck" chants. It's pathetic, lame, embarrassing and not funny. Give it up.
23. "Yankees suck" T-shirts. Even more pathetic, lame and embarrassing.
24. Theo Epstein's genius. Hey, didn't he put Manny Ramirez through waivers before last season?
25. We love Nomar. We hate Nomar. We love him. No, we hate him. Really. But we used to love him.
26. "Put Jim Rice in the Hall of Fame!" Red Sox fans are hollering, but Rice's career falls just short of Hall of Fame status. He received a huge bonus from playing in Fenway Park – for example, during 1977-79, he hit .350 with 82 home runs at Fenway, but just .290 with 42 home runs on the road. He grounded into a ton of double plays, which meant an extra 25 to 30 outs a year not measured in his batting average. And he had his last good year at age 33.
27. The sudden and inexplicable yearning of Red Sox fans to have Pokey Reese back on the roster.
28. The documentaries.
29. The HBO specials.
30. The ESPN specials. OK, we get the picture: Red Sox fans, prior to last season, had suffered immense, gut-wrenching, knee-dropping pain.
31. Bill Lee's eephus pitch. What a way to lose a World Series.
32. Seriously. We know you hate Bucky Dent.
33. Roger Clemens striking out 20 Mariners back in 1986. I don't have time to get into the details and the explanation, but that one game destroyed the Mariners franchise for nearly a decade.
34. Pinky Higgins.
35. The cramped seats at Fenway, which give you a great view of the Green Monster. Too bad you have to wrench your neck to face home plate.
36. All the bandwagon fans. As recently as 1998, the Red Sox ranked just ninth out of 14 teams in the American League in attendance.
37. That time Manny Ramirez played left field with a water bottle in his back pocket.
38. Doug Mirabelli's little soul patch thing below his lower lip.
39. Trot Nixon's hat.
40. Bronson Arroyo's cornrows.
41. Mike Myers' delivery.
42. Mueller? Millar? Miller?
43. "Fever Pitch."
44. Roger Clemens wearing the eyeblack and then going berserk in the 1990 playoffs against the A's. Classy.
45. Fans booing Ted Williams back in the day.
46. Williams giving the fans the finger.
47. The numerous T-shirts for sale outside Fenway suggesting Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez should, umm, do something we can't print here.
48. Johnny Damon's book.
49. Stephen King's book.
50. Bill Nowlin and Jim Prime's book.
51. Leigh Montville's book.
52. The Boston Globe's book.
53. Mike Vaccaro's book.
54. Peter Golenbock's book.
55. Tony Massarotti and John Harper's book.
56. The Boston Globe's other book.
57. The Boston Herald's book.
58. The Sporting News' book.
59. Dan Shaughnessy's updated book.
60. Seriously. We know. Bucky Bleepin' Dent.
61. Tom Brady.
62. The whole Wade Boggs-chicken thing. That was a little weird.
63. Dan Duquette running Roger Clemens out of town.
64. Dan Duquette not given credit by fans for then bringing Pedro Martinez into town.
65. Pedro's head-hunting through the years.
66. Mo Vaughn winning the 1995 AL MVP Award. It should have been Edgar Martinez. Compare: Mo hit .300 with 39 home runs, 126 RBI, a .388 OBP and .575 slugging pct.; Edgar hit .356 with 29 home runs, 113 RBI, .479 OBP (that's almost 100 points higher, folks) and .628 slugging pct.
67. Grady Little. For blowing the 2003 ALCS and letting the Yankees advance to the World Series.
68. Mike Torrez. For giving up that home run to Bucky Bleepin' Dent and letting the Yankees advance to the playoffs.
69. The entire 1978 team for blowing a 14-game lead and letting the Yankees advance to the playoffs.
70. Trading Sparky Lyle to the Yankees back in 1972 for some stiff named Danny Cater.
71. David Wells.
72. The whining.
73. The self-loathing.
74. The degree of whining and self-loathing.
75. The meltdown by Fenway fans in Game 4 of the 1999 ALCS, when a controversial call on the field led to fans bombarding the field with plastic bottles and other trash.
76. The lack of respect given to Dwight Evans. When's the last time you saw a Dewey Evans jersey at Fenway?
77. The 1947-51 Red Sox. Despite stars like Ted Williams, Bobby Doerr, Dom DiMaggio, Johnny Pesky, Vern Stephens, Mel Parnell and Ellis Kinder, they didn't win a single pennant those years. And the Yankee dynasty of the '50s began its domination.
78. That game in the Kingdome I was at in 1996 when Mike Greenwell set a record by driving in all nine runs in a 9-8 Red Sox victory.
79. Mike Gimbel.
80. Eating four sausages at Fenway.
81. The reverence given former owner Tom Yawkey. Geez, maybe he'd have won a World Series if he had considered signing Jackie Robinson or Willie Mays.
82. The strange infatuation with former reliever Rich "El Guapo" Garces.
83. The Pedro-Zimmer brawl.
84. Letting Carlton Fisk sign with the White Sox back in '81.
85. Did I mention "Fever Pitch"?
86. Another Page 2 story on the Red Sox or Yankees? My god, can't you clowns give it up? There are other teams out there, you know. Do you realize the Blue Jays are in first place right now? Even the Devil Rays are ahead of your beloved Red Sox and Yankees. Gimme a break. How 'bout the other Sox? They haven't won since 1917. When's the last time somebody made a documentary on their fans? And how 'bout those Brewers? Off to a 4-2 start? What do your columnists think about their chances this season? But, no ... Red Sox, Red Sox, Red Sox ...
David Schoenfield is an editor for Page 2 and is currently in custody with the Page 2 Writers Protection Program. You can reach him at davidschoenfield@yahoo.com.
By David Schoenfield
ESPN.com Page 2
Draping the huge banner over the Green Monster was terrific. Having Yaz and Johnny Pesky raise the championship flag was a classy touch. Bringing out Bill Russell, Bobby Orr and Tedy Bruschi to throw out the first pitch undoubtedly brought tears to the eyes of many Bostonians.
After 86 years without a World Series title, the Red Sox and their fans deserved such a great ceremony.
But, seriously: Enough is enough.
Enough with the Red Sox.
You won. Excellent. Better you than the Yankees, that's for sure. Still ... it's become just a little too much for the rest of us.
We're starting to dislike the Red Sox. In fact, here are 86 reasons why ...
1. We still have 15 more Red Sox-Yankees games, full of inane hype and ridiculous amounts of attention, left this season, not including a potential playoff matchup.
2. Manny Ramirez's sudden and magical October transformation from absentminded, dim-witted slugger who makes costly baserunning gaffes to lovable, dreadlocked slugger who just plays the game with a little flair.
3. Johnny Damon's hair.
4. Johnny Damon. One .300 season out of four does not make you a star. Enough with the book, the ripping of the ex-wife, and the Page 3 photo galleries.
5. Curt Schilling's bloody sock. Hockey players mock this.
6. 2004 payroll: $127 million.
7. 2005 payroll: $123 million. So far.
8. Carlton Fisk's home run. Here's the deal: YOU LOST GAME 7.
9. Cowboy Up.
10. Ted Williams. The best hitter of his day. But a bad apple. In other words, an old-school Barry Bonds.
11. Derek Lowe's crotch grab in the 2003 playoffs.
12. Jason Varitek's "C" on his uniform. (OK, I admit: I'm still bitter over the Mariners' trading those two guys for Heathcliff Slocumb.)
13. Pumpsie Green. Not Pumpsie himself, but what Pumpsie's playing for the Sox finally meant. If you don't know what I'm talking about, look it up.
14. Butch Hobson, the reckless, error-prone player who was instrumental in the collapse of the '78 Red Sox.
15. Butch Hobson, the coke-sniffing manager of the Red Sox.
16. Hating Bill Buckner for 18 years.
17. Suddenly forgiving Bill Buckner, as if you haven't loathed every fiber of his soul for the past 18 years.
18. Bob Stanley blaming Rich Gedman.
19. Rich Gedman blaming Bob Stanley.
20. Everybody else blaming Calvin Schiraldi.
21. Or John McNamara.
22. "Yankees suck" chants. It's pathetic, lame, embarrassing and not funny. Give it up.
23. "Yankees suck" T-shirts. Even more pathetic, lame and embarrassing.
24. Theo Epstein's genius. Hey, didn't he put Manny Ramirez through waivers before last season?
25. We love Nomar. We hate Nomar. We love him. No, we hate him. Really. But we used to love him.
26. "Put Jim Rice in the Hall of Fame!" Red Sox fans are hollering, but Rice's career falls just short of Hall of Fame status. He received a huge bonus from playing in Fenway Park – for example, during 1977-79, he hit .350 with 82 home runs at Fenway, but just .290 with 42 home runs on the road. He grounded into a ton of double plays, which meant an extra 25 to 30 outs a year not measured in his batting average. And he had his last good year at age 33.
27. The sudden and inexplicable yearning of Red Sox fans to have Pokey Reese back on the roster.
28. The documentaries.
29. The HBO specials.
30. The ESPN specials. OK, we get the picture: Red Sox fans, prior to last season, had suffered immense, gut-wrenching, knee-dropping pain.
31. Bill Lee's eephus pitch. What a way to lose a World Series.
32. Seriously. We know you hate Bucky Dent.
33. Roger Clemens striking out 20 Mariners back in 1986. I don't have time to get into the details and the explanation, but that one game destroyed the Mariners franchise for nearly a decade.
34. Pinky Higgins.
35. The cramped seats at Fenway, which give you a great view of the Green Monster. Too bad you have to wrench your neck to face home plate.
36. All the bandwagon fans. As recently as 1998, the Red Sox ranked just ninth out of 14 teams in the American League in attendance.
37. That time Manny Ramirez played left field with a water bottle in his back pocket.
38. Doug Mirabelli's little soul patch thing below his lower lip.
39. Trot Nixon's hat.
40. Bronson Arroyo's cornrows.
41. Mike Myers' delivery.
42. Mueller? Millar? Miller?
43. "Fever Pitch."
44. Roger Clemens wearing the eyeblack and then going berserk in the 1990 playoffs against the A's. Classy.
45. Fans booing Ted Williams back in the day.
46. Williams giving the fans the finger.
47. The numerous T-shirts for sale outside Fenway suggesting Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez should, umm, do something we can't print here.
48. Johnny Damon's book.
49. Stephen King's book.
50. Bill Nowlin and Jim Prime's book.
51. Leigh Montville's book.
52. The Boston Globe's book.
53. Mike Vaccaro's book.
54. Peter Golenbock's book.
55. Tony Massarotti and John Harper's book.
56. The Boston Globe's other book.
57. The Boston Herald's book.
58. The Sporting News' book.
59. Dan Shaughnessy's updated book.
60. Seriously. We know. Bucky Bleepin' Dent.
61. Tom Brady.
62. The whole Wade Boggs-chicken thing. That was a little weird.
63. Dan Duquette running Roger Clemens out of town.
64. Dan Duquette not given credit by fans for then bringing Pedro Martinez into town.
65. Pedro's head-hunting through the years.
66. Mo Vaughn winning the 1995 AL MVP Award. It should have been Edgar Martinez. Compare: Mo hit .300 with 39 home runs, 126 RBI, a .388 OBP and .575 slugging pct.; Edgar hit .356 with 29 home runs, 113 RBI, .479 OBP (that's almost 100 points higher, folks) and .628 slugging pct.
67. Grady Little. For blowing the 2003 ALCS and letting the Yankees advance to the World Series.
68. Mike Torrez. For giving up that home run to Bucky Bleepin' Dent and letting the Yankees advance to the playoffs.
69. The entire 1978 team for blowing a 14-game lead and letting the Yankees advance to the playoffs.
70. Trading Sparky Lyle to the Yankees back in 1972 for some stiff named Danny Cater.
71. David Wells.
72. The whining.
73. The self-loathing.
74. The degree of whining and self-loathing.
75. The meltdown by Fenway fans in Game 4 of the 1999 ALCS, when a controversial call on the field led to fans bombarding the field with plastic bottles and other trash.
76. The lack of respect given to Dwight Evans. When's the last time you saw a Dewey Evans jersey at Fenway?
77. The 1947-51 Red Sox. Despite stars like Ted Williams, Bobby Doerr, Dom DiMaggio, Johnny Pesky, Vern Stephens, Mel Parnell and Ellis Kinder, they didn't win a single pennant those years. And the Yankee dynasty of the '50s began its domination.
78. That game in the Kingdome I was at in 1996 when Mike Greenwell set a record by driving in all nine runs in a 9-8 Red Sox victory.
79. Mike Gimbel.
80. Eating four sausages at Fenway.
81. The reverence given former owner Tom Yawkey. Geez, maybe he'd have won a World Series if he had considered signing Jackie Robinson or Willie Mays.
82. The strange infatuation with former reliever Rich "El Guapo" Garces.
83. The Pedro-Zimmer brawl.
84. Letting Carlton Fisk sign with the White Sox back in '81.
85. Did I mention "Fever Pitch"?
86. Another Page 2 story on the Red Sox or Yankees? My god, can't you clowns give it up? There are other teams out there, you know. Do you realize the Blue Jays are in first place right now? Even the Devil Rays are ahead of your beloved Red Sox and Yankees. Gimme a break. How 'bout the other Sox? They haven't won since 1917. When's the last time somebody made a documentary on their fans? And how 'bout those Brewers? Off to a 4-2 start? What do your columnists think about their chances this season? But, no ... Red Sox, Red Sox, Red Sox ...
David Schoenfield is an editor for Page 2 and is currently in custody with the Page 2 Writers Protection Program. You can reach him at davidschoenfield@yahoo.com.
And this is coming from someone whose favorite team is owned by George Steinbrenner.
)
