With deepest sympathy to Dazz on the loss of her Mum

[dazzledbylight]

It "wasn't supposed to" BE like this.......

AAArrrggggg!!!


#warning# rant ahead....

I think my mom's death is hitting me more now emotionally. I'm still sometimes "zoned out". I am sleeping more , which messes up some of my errand schedual. I defiantely been crying more in total this past week or so, sinse the last 2 days we knew she was probably going to die.

The timing makes "sense"- since I sometimes didn't see her for 4 - 6 weeks at a time, though usually I saw her every 2- 3 weeks. SO that the action of going the long way up (byPublic transit: 2 - 2/ 1/2 hrs each way) was not as often if we'd been in closer neighborhoods....so now it's getting to be the 4th week. Though I'd call her usually 2 - 3 x's a week.

And I didn't see her (till the hospital) for the previous ? 5- 6 weeks (infrequent), which while my sis managed to talk me out of having massive guilt... I still have some on that.

Even though we went through all of this, saw her (even after she had died) ...it's TRUE, but it still feels SO unreal.

I'm not really shocked per se at anything I'm feeling...I've read enough about grief in the past- but it still "gets" me, now that it actaully has come to pass.

One of the things that makes it more upsetting..is that she went in for something she's goine in before for -in a sense- a brerathing problem. I guess the clot partially blocking one of her pulminary atteries...made it worse, besides the heavy amount of phlegm in her chest (lungs).

It was like...in a way...a simialr script, BUT THEN somebody snatched the script AWAY......and REWROTE the last 2/3rds!

One of the most ***WONDERFUL BLESSING for me about m y mom was how she had a often besides a creative mind, a curoius. She had different levels of passion & interest in so many things.
The "TROUBLE/TORMENT" for now is the so many things & situations I'd want to share with her- since we did that SO much..... I forget (even tho I wake up every morning knowing that she's dead) -- like oh! Wait till I tell/show Mo......" And then I remember. And sometimes this happens every 5 minutes when I'm looking at, or involved in certain creative activities.

ANd....i was trying (sometimes hard, somestimes less so- because of other upsets - like that one miserable roommate ruining my homelife at times, ,and of course all the various medical emergencies with her & our dad) to get my various types of artwork back up to speed in ideas/physcial skills, and output levels.

I said to her.... maybe out last regualer visit in the Nursing Hoime or over the phone...I've x years to "retirement" (Social Security- much less than most of you)...but that probably won't be enough to have a comfortable life. So I figured I'd spend the next 2 years ramping up in all these areas- so I'd have (under 10 years) toi get my artisitccareer back on track, and going well.

And NOW she won't even be around to see that! She'd point out what she thought were errors or need improvement in m y work- but she was champion of my art (various kinds). Not that my sis isn't for most of it. ANd my friends and other family support me alot too.

But for those of you also lucky enough to have loving moms /or dads...to lose someone like that .....especially when I feel I haven't reached what I consider sucess......

anyway........ I JUST HAD TO GET MORE OF IT OUT...

*THANKS* in advance.....

III AM looking at & doing enjoyable things. I'mnot always down & out but it's def more these days.

 

[jobob]

 

[MsPurrl]

dazz--since I've "been there/done that", I can empathize completely with you. Everyone grieves in different ways. If you need to lie on the floor, kick your feet, and wail--do it!

 

[redhotswami]

MsPurrl is is right, dazz. There's no "supposed to be" when it comes to things like this. Just do what you can to get by, and try your best not to neglect your own health, both physical and mental. I'm going to give you a big bear hug when I see you next weekend.

 

[last unicorn]

Dazz, I feel so sorry for you but what you are going through is totall natural and it's good to have these emotions and let all of the grief out, because this is what makes us human.

I lost my mother when I was very young and I feel I haven't spend enough time with her, simply because she passed away so early. It wasn't only her passing, but also her illnesses that took her from me many years before she actually died. Truth is, this has been long ago and I've moved on and have my own life today, but it still hurts and I still miss having a mother.

It is NEVER the right time for a loss like this, no matter how much time you spend with a parent, but there comes a day when you simply learn to deal with the pain and move on and then you'll learn to love and enjoy life again and do things that give you pleasure and joy.

I was unable to show emotions or cry for many many years and it was a horrible state to be in, because I felt totally devastated inside, actually dead. I learned to re-gain access to my emotions, it was a long and hard way, sometimes I needed help from outside, but it worked. Sometimes I go back into this black hole, some days are great, others not so great. It's good to have emotions, it's because we are alive, it's wrong and bad to bottle it up. I know from personal experience that NOT feeling anything at all is much much worse.

So, whatever it is that comes, just let it be and don't feel bad about it. I also recommend talking to someone who is outside the family, maybe a sort of counselling, because it often helps a lot to have someone's advice who is not immediately involved in the situation.

 

[Alisaura]

Dazz... We're here for you.

 

[BonosBaby12]

Dazz Can relate completely to what you are going through. Take your time and grieve whatever way you want to! You can't rush something like this It is almost a year since my dad's passing and I still find myself grieving. If you ever need to talk then please feel free to contact me

 

[zuropa_fit]

Aw Daz Like everyone else said, you do what you need to do. That 'should have been' feeling may not go away for a long time and you just have to ride it. We're all here for you.

 

[dazzledbylight]

**THANK YOU***
ali, jo, BB12, Unico, LastUnicon, Ms Purl & zu.

I hope I was clear.......

The"it wasn't s'pose to be this way" refers to my mom dying so unxexpectedly/relatively suddenly.
While I had my intermittent 'hamster wheel' of worry about my mom getting really sick, and dying I wasn't obessively overworrying. I (and my sis) really thought she'd make it to about 90 yrs (she was 84 going on 85 this year), certainly at least to/thru 87 yrs. Her health was not sinking .

My greiving...I'm OK with my grieving.....
I understand intellectually what I have gone/might go through.
I had a whole "lesson" in it because of 9-11. There were reams of articticles, counseling & info sessions of what people could be going through. I read almost everything I saw, and listened to alot of it.
But intellectually knowing and actually experiencing it.....BLEAH.
It's terrible! ANd it's what many people go through in various ways.

I expect more or less to have waves, and rolls of up & down emotions at times over at least a year. And certainly those first/second time "Holiday/Birthday Loss BLues" as well-as each special day/ or season comes around.

BB12 : (
I'm so sorry you lost your dad so relatively reccently!

and lu, you're right....having emotions IS very much a part of being Human.
I know for me it IS unhealthy to really bottle up my sad or angry emotions. I have gotten pyscho-somatic (physical manifestations of strong emotions from being bottle up) symptoms for other different reasons, under other serious circumstances from keeping them inside too much.

I'm sorry you lost your mom so young.
And I very much undertand the feelings of having her being "taken away" from you in regards to the actual illness - b/c our mom when I was 5 and my sis 1- she caught one of the bad flu epidemics, and she developed severe asthma.
While I don't have a ton of memories of her from before- I watched her radically change from this very vital woman into this hunched over, coughing, weezing, gasping for breath x times a day person within a very short time.
I remember my dad had to hire a nanny at itmes because my mom was SO sick -she couldn't do housework, cook etc.She was like this for several years until a big machine nuebulizer was given to her (?when I was around somewhere between 8-11 yrs).
Then she was only like that part of the time.

We were *very lucky* that we did get her partly back. Then even more so when they invented better medicines for asthma i the early 70's she sometimes didn't use the big machine nebulizer for years.

I'm also sorry you went so "dead inside" for so long. I'm glad you got help to have them emerge later on.
I didn't feel some of my feelings at times in these past several weeks, I think, because of the shock. ANd yes I have professional people keeping an eye on me, and I'm letting them know how I feel.

Unico, I'm taking care of myself pretty well. Eating good foods.I have to pick up a new bottle of Vit C w flavinoids ( I have a mutli-vit/moneral already). I'm taking at the very least extra C+ to give extra help to my immune system over this next year.

Ms Purl, there are definately times alrerady when I've wanted to wail, BUT with that one roomate being very nasty at times-- when on RARE occasion in the past when I've gotten bad/shocking, /or really scary news I've suddenly wailed in reaction, and have had THAT BITCH come down the hallway, bang on my door, and tell me to "Shut Up!"

She has a tendency at times to get verbally, and even physically violent when she doesn't get her way -- so I have had to curtailed my wailing. And she's around in the house alot.....so . I cry in my pillow.


thank you ALL, again.

I'll be up at my sis's for the weekend while she's away. Watch CABLE TV, R&H, ZOOTV, HP,SW, LOTR etc.. *FUN stuff*! ; ) , and LISTEN to R&R LOUD!!!!! (until 9pm, anyway ). SO i 'll have abit of a mini-vacation.

 

[VintagePunk]

Dazzled So much of what you have said has resonated with me: the excessive sleeping, the momentarily "forgetting" that they're gone and you want to tell them X, and then remembering that you can't, the sudden bursts of crying, the unreality of it all, and this overwhelming feeling that "this is just so fucking unfair."

I don't really have any more to add that the others haven't already said, and what I said the other day, that day by day, minute by minute thing. It will get easier, though, in time. And, we're all here whenever you need us.

 

[Gluey]

Dazz, I'm thinking of you and wish I was closer so I could give you a real hug. Just remember that we're all here by your side...

 

[U2Fanatic4ever]

I just now found out about this! OMG... I am deeply deeply sorry for your loss dazz. Of course family support is the best but hey us fellow interlanders can certainly be a second family and one you can lean on any time of the day or nite!

All the thoughts and prayers that I can possibly muster go your way for however long that you will need it!

Take of yourself first and foremost and then it's one day, minute, second at a time.

 

[JanuaryStar]

I just read this thread... I am so sorry for your loss, Dazz... I wish you and your family lots of strength for these rough times. Give yourself time to grieve...

 

[last unicorn]

Dazz, thank you so much for your kind words.
I'm sure you will be better soon, just take care of yourself and do things you really like and enjoy.

 

[dazzledbylight]

Dazzled So much of what you have said has resonated with me: the excessive sleeping, the momentarily "forgetting" that they're gone and you want to tell them X, and then remembering that you can't, the sudden bursts of crying, the unreality of it all, and this overwhelming feeling that "this is just so fucking unfair."

I don't really have any more to add that the others haven't already said, and what I said the other day, that day by day, minute by minute thing. It will get easier, though, in time. And, we're all here whenever you need us.

VP

one thing since I have read about this stuff, I do have hope/expectation that it will get better over time. It's justing through it.

I'm very blessed to have you all in addition to my F2F peeople!

***BIG HUGS*** to you all!

 

[bonoishot]

AAArrrggggg!!! The "TROUBLE/TORMENT" for now is the so many things & situations I'd want to share with her- since we did that SO much..... I forget (even tho I wake up every morning knowing that she's dead) -- like oh! Wait till I tell/show Mo......" And then I remember. And sometimes this happens every 5 minutes when I'm looking at, or involved in certain creative activities.

I said to her.... maybe out last regualer visit in the Nursing Hoime or over the phone...I've x years to "retirement" (Social Security- much less than most of you)...but that probably won't be enough to have a comfortable life. So I figured I'd spend the next 2 years ramping up in all these areas- so I'd have (under 10 years) toi get my artisitccareer back on track, and going well.

And NOW she won't even be around to see that! She'd point out what she thought were errors or need improvement in m y work- but she was champion of my art (various kinds). Not that my sis isn't for most of it. ANd my friends and other family support me alot too.

But for those of you also lucky enough to have loving moms /or dads...to lose someone like that .....especially when I feel I haven't reached what I consider sucess......

Dazz. I totally understand what you mean. Even now after nearly 4 years theres often things i want to tell my mum, or i think oh, she would have loved to have done this or gone there. Its hard not having someone so important to you anymore. Let your grief out however you need to. Remember we're all here for you.

 

[dazzledbylight]

oh, sorry, jem I missed checking down to this thread in the last bunch of days.

*thank you, jemma, & everyone!!!*


At least while I'm at my sis's this next several days- I can allow my emotional response to be more natural ( as/when it shows up)- than I can at home when the cranky roomate is there (too much) .

Oh, jem, wow- I must met you here- not too long after you had lost your Mom !

Yesterday when I got really sad I imagined you all & my f2f friends like glowing spheres of light floating around, surrounding me- giving me your strength. It's an exercise, I've usued before.

 

[Russty Cat]

Dazz I'm so sorry I haven't been around. But my thoughts and prayers are with you. I always think of you and have you in my heart, dear friend.

 

[dazzledbylight]

Dazz I'm so sorry I haven't been around. But my thoughts and prayers are with you. I always think of you and have you in my heart, dear friend.

*** Thank You, Russty!! ***

I think about you too, and hope you & fam are all on the well side, and that YOUR Creartivity & Artmaking is a mosty ~*HAPPY ENDEAVOR *~ for you!