Echo
War Child
Okay, this is a bunch of strange stuff about U2 I've gathered from the internet over the years. I'm sorry that I don't always have the author's name to properly credit them...but you know how excited you get when you see something special and just have to save it in a flurry of....but I talk to much.
This first one I think was in an Irish newspaper...I don't think it was Hot Press, I think it was the entertainment section of a regular paper...do any of these sound familiar?
Top Ten: Things you need to be a successful Irish pop act
1.Youth
This is compulsory. There is no way around this one. And by 'youth' we mean
teens or early twenties. Over 25 and you cannot be pop - you're either a rock
band, a country 'n' Irish group, or a sad old cabaret act. And you certainly
won't be in the charts, unless you're U2.
2.Looks
Not necessarily good, but definitely healthy and with the features not too
wildly out of proportion. Vacant looks are OK, but try to avoid completely dumb.
Rosy cheeks a bonus. Red hair and freckles allowed as long as you can dance like
Jean Butler.
3.Diddley-Aye
Every Irish pop band must insert a few seconds of diddley-eye into their hits to
denote authenticity. A short Riverdance bit in the middle, or a smattering of
fiddle at the end will do the job. All songs must be passed by the Department of
Diddley-Aye and stamped with the Guaranteed Celtic symbol.
4.A mouthy manager who hates rock music
You need a high-profile manager who chooses your songs, sets out your image, and
goes on television to boast about how you're all really talented underneath all
the lip-synching, and how well-behaved you all are, despite the tabloid tales of
drug-addled gerbils and pregnant halibuts. Your manager also must have another
act on his roster who are so bad, they make you look good.
5.A disastrous debut TV appearance
Every Irish pop act needs some cringeworthy early footage, showing them dancing
like drunken chickens, singing completely out of tune, and pouting like a fish
gasping for air. When you're on TV, plugging your latest album, and the
interviewer shows this early clip, it's important to look all embarrassed and
adopt an air of at-least-we're-brilliant-now-thank-god.
6.A Name
Should be a badly-punned combination of letters and numbers, like 4-E-Jits or 5
Big D-Keds. Try to avoid anything with the word Boyz in it, 'cos it'll look
pretty stupid when you're doing the chicken-in-a-basket circuit at 40.
7.A fake Texan drawl
Can't sing for toffee? Put a country 'n' western twang in your voice and hey
presto! Suddenly you sound like a teeny Garth Brooks. For girls, try regular
doses of helium to get that Barbie Girl effect.
8.Virginity
For god's sake, don't tell anyone you've lost it. Don't worry - no-one's going
to ask you to take it out and show it to them on live television.
9.A dance routine
Your dance routine is as individual as your voice, as unique as your music, as
original as your choice of cover versions. You can recognise Boyzone by their
carefully-choregraphed hand gestures; you know B*Witched by their trademark
"picking-things-up-off-the-ground'' routine; and who could forget The Carter
Twins' wonderful "standing-perfectly-still'' dance?
10.A Solo Career
Everybody joins a pop group with one thing in mind - the prospect of a solo
career. Not everybody achieves this holy grail of popdom, but the few who do can
go on to dress very silly, present big awards shows, and not share the glory
with the other four eejits.
This was from Wire, I'm pretty sure...by a guy called Big Daddy Cool. It's about the final stages of the production of ATYCLB.
8:35A Island records, frantic about the lapsing deadline on the new U2
album, convinces U2 to install a video camera in the studio in order to
provide a live web feed, assuring people that U2 is indeed working. Bono
and Edge enthusiastically agree, giving them something to play with for a
few hours rather than work on the album.
9:00A Bono is dragged away from the camera and chided for his constant
preening
10:00a Daniel Lanois drifts across the stage, carrying a small sign: "will
produce for food." Lanois is severely beaten by Hooper, Flood, and Howie B,
and carried off. Edge spends forty-five minutes fiddling with the wah-wah
bar.
10:45a Bono, Edge, and Adam confer with the producers about titles for the
new single. Discussion revolves around two titles: "She's gonna take your
heart and inadvertantly pulverize it and send you into a cacaphonic
meltdown," which is thought to appeal to older fans, or go with the other
title, "duh," which would be a sure-fire hit with the kids.
11:00a Edge spends 45 minutes reading WIRE, then gathers band together to
choose the sexiest WIREling. Big Daddy Cool wins by a landslide, based on
his good looks and excellent musical taste. Larry finds them, and beats
them rigourously with a drumstick. All depart for the soundbooth.
11:45a: Howie B's eardrum explodes. LIVE. Blood cleaned off lens, Howie B
carried off. Lanois reappears, and is shot on the spot. Bono calls for
silence, then croons completely off key, making up still more lyrics about
fellatio. This is enthusiastically supported by Adam. Band breaks for
lunch.
12:20p Studio emtpy except for Adam, who is obscured in a haze of smoke.
Flood stares at mixing board knobs, sobbing.
1:30p Fresh from a full lunch, the band enters the soundbooth. Beautiful
noise fills the air. Eno arrives, suggests recording the sound of his
saliva dripping into a porcelain cup as background. Bono and Edge
enthusiastically support the idea. Larry beats Eno vigourously with
drumstick. Eno departs.
2:00p Kitchen opens. Everybody heads out for a drink. Flood stares at
knobs at mixing desk, face expressionless.
3:00 Band members, feeling their age, need a nap. Camera records sprawled
bodies and drooling, agape mouths for forty-five minutes.
3:45 Flood tweaks a knob, sending feedback throughout soundroom, waking up
band. Flood beaten vigourously.
5:00 Adam bass solo recorded. Saliva sounds used as backgound, unbeknownst
to Larry. Edge checks WIRE Again, sends mailbombs to pass the time.
5:30 Bono, Edge, and producers involved in long, drawn-out discussion about
direction of album. Adam lost in smoky haze again. They all hear Larry
coming down the hall, and begin turning knobs and levers as he enters, all
going "Ooh ohh! Yeah Yeah!" Larry pleased with album's progress.
6:00p Edge records guitar solos. Wah-Wah bar snaps off, tilting camera and
revealing Dopplegangers waiting in corner to replace band on camera while
they go for a drink. Island lawyers beat Dopplegangers vigourously, then
chide the band. Adam falls off stool, but recovers nicely.
7:00p Bono plays "tetris" on Powerbook instead of writing lyrics.
8:00p Time for dinner. Flood chained to mixing desk, staring at knobs.
Given gruel and cigarettes for the evening.
9:00p Band begins working in earnest. Earnest, the newest member, blows out
power during kazoo solo. Bono and Edge enthusiastically support him. Larry
kills Earnest with drumstick.
10:00p Reruns of "Rattle and Hum" shown on video camera.
11:00p "Van Diemen's Land" played, and Irish flag signals the end of daily
Broadcast. Edge voice over asks us to tune in tomorrow, when Larry says,
"If you don't write de fookin' lyrics, I swear to God I'll fookin' kill ya."
Adam and Bono recite Larry's Elvis speech from Rattle and Hum, with Bono
enthusiasticaly supporting Larry's use of "back'ard" in film. Sound of
Larry breaking door in.
2:00a Flood, chained to desk, staring at mixing board. Gives out a quiet
giggle. Fade out.
And now...the bottle-sucking incident. This was originally posted on a U2 mailing list/forum called Surrender. Maybe I've spent a bit too much time on PLEBA, but doesnt this girl seem a little blase?
Ok, here we go. While in Seattle, a bunch of us stayed at their hotel. Now
this can go either way -- you're either one of those icky horrid people who
stalk the band in the hallways or sneak up to their floor and camp out like
refugee children in the lobby, or you're the fans who stay there because you
want to be merely an elevator away from a bathroom and a bed. Anyway, a
bunch of people were waiting for the band outside the hotel before the show,
and it got extremely crowded and finally I gave up and went back in. It was
*freezing* so I went into the lounge, found a couple of people I knew, and
plunked my chilly butt down and ordered a hot chocolate. :9 So I'm sitting
there, drinking my cocoa, when the people I'm with start salivating and ogling
someone behind me. I turn slightly and yes indeedy, Bono and Adam are a table
away.
Big deal.
While my friends spaz, I sit with my back to the boys, drinking my cocoa and
waiting for my fingers to thaw. Then I hear this horrid noise, like an
*eekeekeeekeek*. Squeeking. I turn slightly and catch Bono with half a Perrier
bottle in his mouth. He's sucking the thing in such a manner it would put
Madonna to shame! I don't know what he's trying to do, the bottle is empty and
he's not going to get any more out of it. Perhaps it was regression to an
infant state of mind. Who knows.
I must have had a bizarre look on my face because he suddenly looked over and
caught me staring at him, not for who he was but for what the hell he was
doing. He put the glass down quickly and turned a delicate shade of pink. He
smiled a little, sheepishly, and all I could do was laugh and shake my head.
"Dork."
Yeah, so that's the bottle-sucking incident. No, I did not take the bottle.
But I imagine if it has a new home anywhere it's probably in the freezer with
somebody's gnawed-on carrot.
This occured, so far as I'm told, at the Edgewater Inn. The Edgewater is a vaguely noteworthy hotel; Located literally on the water, it was constructed for the 1962 World's Fair. It's the hotel the beatles once fished off the balconies of for publicity purposes. It's also where Led Zep's infamous "mud shark" incident occured. So, really, Bono would have to fellate a lot more than a water bottle to cause much of a commotion there.
A girl called Ruby on the Surrender mailing list submitted this, a list of things she'd seen written (or scratched) on the gates of Bono's estate when she visited
Cor Cordium: Ars longa vida brevis.
O let him scald me and drown me in his world's wound. His lightning
answers my cry. My voice burns in his hand. Now I am lost in the Blinding
One. The sun roars at the prayer's end.
In the service of God one can learn three things from a child and seven
from a thief.
From a child one can learn:
1 - Always be happy
2 - Never to sit idle
3 - And to cry for everything one wants.
From a thief you should learn:
1 - To work at night
2 - If one cannot gain it in one night to try again
3 - To love one's coworkers just as thieves love each other
4 - To be willing to risk one's life even for a little thing
5 - Not to attach too much value to things, even though you've risked your
life for them--just as a thief will resell a stolen article for a fraction of
its worth
6 - To withstand all kinds of beatings and tortures but to remain what you are
7 - To believe that your work is worthwhile and not be willing to change it.
Who are you who is born in the next room--so loud to my own--that I can hear
the womb opening-- and the dark run over the ghost and the dropped son behind
the wall thin a a wren's bone? In the birth bloody room unknown--to the burn
and turn of time and the heartprint of man-bows no to baptism-but dark alone
blessing on the wild child.
What boots it Shelley! That the breeze carried Thy lovely wail away musical
through Italian trees which fringe Thy soft blue Spezzian Bay. Inheritor of
Thy distress have restless hearts one throb the less.
The music in my heart I bore
Heart of boy
Long after it was heard no more.
IRIS - It is raining women's voices.
It is calling down memories
Listen to the falling perpendiculars of existence
Treaure flowers that have blossomed.
Zip yourself miss lady moustrap teeth went today around me without myself
involved - glory evening...
Nothing of him doth fade but suffer a sea change into something rich and
strange may be raised to the skies on flowered beds of ease.
Charlie Whiskers.
Children's laughter, discretion of slaves, austerity of virgins, honor of
the faces and objects of this peace, hallowed by you, by the memory of
their vigil.
I have spread my dreams under your feet, tread softly.
Girls boys listen me kiss love fun drink sick kiss cuddle sex swim sea rock
and rub.
hate blows a bubble of despair into hugeness world system universe and BANG
fear buries a tomorrow under woe and up comes yesterday moist green and
young.
seashell ebb music way-river
sea flows
who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Oh my good! Oh my beautiful! Appalling fanfare in which I do not falter!
Enchanted rack! Hurrah for the undreamed of work and for the marvellous
substance for the first time! It began in the laughter of children, it will
finish with it. The poison will remain in our veins even when by the turn
of the fanfare, we are brought back to the old disharmony. Oh let us now so
deserving of the tortures ardently gather the superhuman promise made to
our created bodies and souls: this promise, this madness! Elegance,
knowledge, violence! We have been promised that tree of good and evil shall
be buried in darkness, that tyrannical respectabilities shall be exiled so
that we can bring here our very pure love. It began with a certain amount
of disgust and it ends - being unable to sieze at once this eternity - it
ends with a riot of perfumes.
Little drunken vigil, holy! Even if only on account of the mask you have
granted us. We assert you, method! We do not forget that yesterday you
glorified our every age. We have faith in poison. We know how to give our
life each day. Now is the time of the ASSASINS.
This is from alt.fan.u2. Someone asked for a transcript of Bono's big speech at Notre Dame, before they did "Kite."
He said something like...
Sh!t! I have to sing this f!ckin' song for the 5000th time this month and
it's really starting to p!ss me off... and this corset is killing me. If
only I could take this smelly jacket off and let it all hang out. GOD I
think I'm going blind.... wait...it's the hair graft playing up again - I
knew I shouldn't have used boot polish to tone down the orange streaks.
Where am I?.... Hmmmm! USA somewhere.... and what am I doing with this
guitar - I can't play guitar! Oh, that's right...I'm supposed to sing a song
and strum a bit. Which song tho... hmmmm ... ah! Kite I think.... sounds a
bit like sh!te. Better do it anyway.... won't get paid if they don't have a
good time. Oh God, I'm so tired. I can't wait until I retire. Anyway here
goes...
"WELL FOLKS, I LOVE THIS SONG COZ I WROTE IT FOR MY KIDS (OR WAS IT FOR TOYS'R'US?)....."
The following three bits are related.
Allegedly, the first is one of the questions for prospective Microsoft employees.
There are no tricks, just plain logic.
Reportedly, one guy solved it by writing a C program, although that took him 37 minutes to develop (compiled and ran the 1st try though).
A group of 50, at Motorola, couldn't figure it out at all.
See how long it takes you:
"U2" has a concert that starts in 17 minutes and they must all cross a
bridge to get there. All four men begin on the same side of the bridge.
You must help them across to the other side. It is night. There is one
flashlight. A maximum of two people can cross at one time. Any party who
crosses, with 1 or 2 people must have the flashlight with them. The
flashlight must be walked back and forth, it cannot be thrown, etc. Each
band member walks at different speeds.
A pair must walk together at the rate of the slower man's pace:
Bono: 1 minute to cross
Edge: 2 minutes to cross
Adam: 5 minutes to cross
Larry: 10 minutes to cross
For example: if Bono and Larry walk across first, 10 minutes have elapsed
when they get to the other side of the bridge. If Larry then returns with
the flashlight, a total of 20 minutes have passed and you have failed the
mission.
Notes: There is no trick behind this. It is the simple movement of
resources in the appropriate order. There are two known answers to this
problem. This based on a question Microsoft gives to all prospective
employees.
Note: Microsoft expects you to answer this question in under 5 minutes.
The next two are parodies that were posted somewhere on Usenet...I dont remember which newsgroups now, unfortunately...
>U2 has a concert that starts in 17 minutes and the bridge has been destroyed.
>You have a row boat that will hold two people. All four men begin on the same
>side of the river. You must help them cross to the other side. But be warned:
>they have become cannibals ( well, rock and roll is hard on a guy).
>
>Bono will kill and eat only Larry if no one else is around.
>Edge will kill and eat only Adam if no one else is around
>Adam - will kill and eat any of the other band members
>Larry - will kill and eat only you if no one else is around
>
>Now, get all all band members and you safely to the other side.
>
and the solution:
Assuming U2 members don't kill each other immediatly if they can board the
boat instead (otherwise Adam will just kill everyone and be done with it):
To start you must take Adam away to the other bank since otherwise he'll
kill the other three.
Then, return alone, and cross together with Bono.
Once on the other side, grab Adam before he kills Bono and return him to the
other side.
Now, let Edge and Larry take the boat to the other side,
And, trusting that Bono will keep to his instructions, have him return on
his own.
Then, take Bono with you to the other side, leave him there, and return
alone;
Finally, take Adam with you to the other side of the bank, just in time for
the concert to start.
Unfortunatly, since Adam is now with his fellow band members and he has no
boat to distract him, at this point he will kill and eat his friends to the
mortification of over 10,000 viewers who have come to see the live concert.
....
There are four nameless men standing at one side of a perilous ravine.
There is a rickety old rope bridge to the other side, and since the men have
the misfortune of travelling at night with only one lightstick (aha, a new
twist!), they must cross alone or in pairs with the lightstick.
One of the men is rifling through a deck of (luminous) cards, his brow
furrowed in concentration as he tries to calculate the probability of not
naming a single card correctly. Since he cannot be stirred from his task, it
will take him 10 minutes to cross the bridge.
The next man, meanwhile, chuckles gleefully to himself as he recalls all
those times in school when it was he who was right, and the teacher was
wrong. Again, deep in thought, it will take him 5 minutes to cross the
bridge.
The third man, Bono to his friends, is anxious to hide from the other members
of his rock band, who are engaged in a furious debate over the exact start
date of the next millennium. He is able to cross the bridge in 2 minutes.
The fourth man is a midget, and is the fittest of the group. This is because,
when he arrives home from work each day, he must leave the lift at the 10th
floor, and climb the remaining flights of stairs to his flat. Due to this
daily workout, he can cross the bridge in one minute.
They only have 17 minutes before a large naked man will fall from the sky
clutching a broken match and crush them all.
Can they do it?
This was found on a Yahoo group called the Million Dollar Fantasy Club.
THE OFFICIAL BONO SEX SURVEY
1. The best Bono sex would occur during which Bono era/character?
A) Early Bono (I.E. Mini Bono)...Inexperienced but spunky
B) Rattle -&- Hum Bono...Very high-waisted pants: is that a good or bad thing when it comes to *lovin*?
C) Zoo TV Bono...this includes both The Fly (ahhh TIGHT VINYL PANTS) and Mr. MacPhisto (mmmm mmmm good)
D) 90s - Present Bono... this includes Pop Mart Bono (AHHHHH *TIGHT* PANTS) to the most recent Bono (think Propaganda picture).
2. The best Bono sex would occur at which location?
A) Bono?s bed- just make sure Ali is busying herself somewhere else in the house.
B) The Clarence Hotel... he owns the damn place, you?d get treated right!
C) Backstage... hahaha watch out- Adam might be watching!
D) Somewhere in Copenhagen.
3. (Courtesy of Julia) Which food product would be best to lick off of Bonos.... ummmmm lets just say "bono".
A) Whipped Cream
B) Chocolate Syrup
C) Cherries
D) Goldfish crackers
4. Which condition would be best to find Bono in in order to be able to seduce him most easily?
A) Drunk as a Skunk
B) Tipsy
C) Sober but lost in a strange city
D) Drunk and lost in a strange city
5. What is the best Bono pick up line?
A) What?s cookin' good lookin'??
B) Can I pet your knee??
C) Those tights are skin tight baby... might as well go naked... hey that?s a good idea!
D) So... did you know I got a U2K sign on television?
6. What is your "Bono Scenario"?? This one is a short answer... and don?t act like you don?t know what I mean! When you think about him during math class what are ya thinkin???
7. How much would you be willing to pay for a night w/ Bono?
A) Your parents entire life savings.
B) Your parents life savings and car(s).
C) Your parents life savings, car(s) and home.
D) Your parents.
8. Bono is...
A) A damn fine sexy man.
B) God.
C) The greatest example of the human species ever created.
D) All of the above and then some.
9. Have you seen the naked pictures of Bono?s arse?
Yes / No
10. Was your Bono admiration at all affected by the paleness of that Irish arse?
Yes / No / HELL NO
11. Lets say nude *frontal* pics of Bono have been leaked to Playgirl. Would you get an adult to buy you the issue even though that magazine is for some reason 100 times worse as Playboy?
Yes / No / Ummmm....
12. Have you planned out ways to make Bono's clothing skimpier in order to make the world a more beautiful place? (I.E. you plan on breaking into his home while he's not there and cutting the top 5 buttons off of all his shirts)
Yes / No
13. Have you been monitoring the increasing tightness factor of Bono?s pants over the last 3 U2 tours?
Yes / No / Umm I have a *life*
14. By your calculations does it seem Bono will have to go pantless this tour in order to top the tightness of the Pop Mart pants?
Yes / No / What???
18. The Edge is...
A) Sexier than Bono
B) Cuddle-rific
C) A way to get to Bono
D) A good prospect for a threesome.
16. Bono?s chest is...
A) I suppose nice...
B) Buff
C) MINE
17. How many pictures of Bono do you have on your computer?
A) 0 - 20
B) 21 - 50
C) 51- 75
D) 76 - 1,000
18. OK, Last Question: Have you estimated the size of Bono's willy???
A) You be da freak: of course not!
B) Hahahaha not seriously
C) Kinda
D) If you pay any attention in Pop Mart at all you don?t need to estimate!
[This message has been edited by Echo (edited 12-07-2001).]
This first one I think was in an Irish newspaper...I don't think it was Hot Press, I think it was the entertainment section of a regular paper...do any of these sound familiar?
Top Ten: Things you need to be a successful Irish pop act
1.Youth
This is compulsory. There is no way around this one. And by 'youth' we mean
teens or early twenties. Over 25 and you cannot be pop - you're either a rock
band, a country 'n' Irish group, or a sad old cabaret act. And you certainly
won't be in the charts, unless you're U2.
2.Looks
Not necessarily good, but definitely healthy and with the features not too
wildly out of proportion. Vacant looks are OK, but try to avoid completely dumb.
Rosy cheeks a bonus. Red hair and freckles allowed as long as you can dance like
Jean Butler.
3.Diddley-Aye
Every Irish pop band must insert a few seconds of diddley-eye into their hits to
denote authenticity. A short Riverdance bit in the middle, or a smattering of
fiddle at the end will do the job. All songs must be passed by the Department of
Diddley-Aye and stamped with the Guaranteed Celtic symbol.
4.A mouthy manager who hates rock music
You need a high-profile manager who chooses your songs, sets out your image, and
goes on television to boast about how you're all really talented underneath all
the lip-synching, and how well-behaved you all are, despite the tabloid tales of
drug-addled gerbils and pregnant halibuts. Your manager also must have another
act on his roster who are so bad, they make you look good.
5.A disastrous debut TV appearance
Every Irish pop act needs some cringeworthy early footage, showing them dancing
like drunken chickens, singing completely out of tune, and pouting like a fish
gasping for air. When you're on TV, plugging your latest album, and the
interviewer shows this early clip, it's important to look all embarrassed and
adopt an air of at-least-we're-brilliant-now-thank-god.
6.A Name
Should be a badly-punned combination of letters and numbers, like 4-E-Jits or 5
Big D-Keds. Try to avoid anything with the word Boyz in it, 'cos it'll look
pretty stupid when you're doing the chicken-in-a-basket circuit at 40.
7.A fake Texan drawl
Can't sing for toffee? Put a country 'n' western twang in your voice and hey
presto! Suddenly you sound like a teeny Garth Brooks. For girls, try regular
doses of helium to get that Barbie Girl effect.
8.Virginity
For god's sake, don't tell anyone you've lost it. Don't worry - no-one's going
to ask you to take it out and show it to them on live television.
9.A dance routine
Your dance routine is as individual as your voice, as unique as your music, as
original as your choice of cover versions. You can recognise Boyzone by their
carefully-choregraphed hand gestures; you know B*Witched by their trademark
"picking-things-up-off-the-ground'' routine; and who could forget The Carter
Twins' wonderful "standing-perfectly-still'' dance?
10.A Solo Career
Everybody joins a pop group with one thing in mind - the prospect of a solo
career. Not everybody achieves this holy grail of popdom, but the few who do can
go on to dress very silly, present big awards shows, and not share the glory
with the other four eejits.
This was from Wire, I'm pretty sure...by a guy called Big Daddy Cool. It's about the final stages of the production of ATYCLB.
8:35A Island records, frantic about the lapsing deadline on the new U2
album, convinces U2 to install a video camera in the studio in order to
provide a live web feed, assuring people that U2 is indeed working. Bono
and Edge enthusiastically agree, giving them something to play with for a
few hours rather than work on the album.
9:00A Bono is dragged away from the camera and chided for his constant
preening
10:00a Daniel Lanois drifts across the stage, carrying a small sign: "will
produce for food." Lanois is severely beaten by Hooper, Flood, and Howie B,
and carried off. Edge spends forty-five minutes fiddling with the wah-wah
bar.
10:45a Bono, Edge, and Adam confer with the producers about titles for the
new single. Discussion revolves around two titles: "She's gonna take your
heart and inadvertantly pulverize it and send you into a cacaphonic
meltdown," which is thought to appeal to older fans, or go with the other
title, "duh," which would be a sure-fire hit with the kids.
11:00a Edge spends 45 minutes reading WIRE, then gathers band together to
choose the sexiest WIREling. Big Daddy Cool wins by a landslide, based on
his good looks and excellent musical taste. Larry finds them, and beats
them rigourously with a drumstick. All depart for the soundbooth.
11:45a: Howie B's eardrum explodes. LIVE. Blood cleaned off lens, Howie B
carried off. Lanois reappears, and is shot on the spot. Bono calls for
silence, then croons completely off key, making up still more lyrics about
fellatio. This is enthusiastically supported by Adam. Band breaks for
lunch.
12:20p Studio emtpy except for Adam, who is obscured in a haze of smoke.
Flood stares at mixing board knobs, sobbing.
1:30p Fresh from a full lunch, the band enters the soundbooth. Beautiful
noise fills the air. Eno arrives, suggests recording the sound of his
saliva dripping into a porcelain cup as background. Bono and Edge
enthusiastically support the idea. Larry beats Eno vigourously with
drumstick. Eno departs.
2:00p Kitchen opens. Everybody heads out for a drink. Flood stares at
knobs at mixing desk, face expressionless.
3:00 Band members, feeling their age, need a nap. Camera records sprawled
bodies and drooling, agape mouths for forty-five minutes.
3:45 Flood tweaks a knob, sending feedback throughout soundroom, waking up
band. Flood beaten vigourously.
5:00 Adam bass solo recorded. Saliva sounds used as backgound, unbeknownst
to Larry. Edge checks WIRE Again, sends mailbombs to pass the time.
5:30 Bono, Edge, and producers involved in long, drawn-out discussion about
direction of album. Adam lost in smoky haze again. They all hear Larry
coming down the hall, and begin turning knobs and levers as he enters, all
going "Ooh ohh! Yeah Yeah!" Larry pleased with album's progress.
6:00p Edge records guitar solos. Wah-Wah bar snaps off, tilting camera and
revealing Dopplegangers waiting in corner to replace band on camera while
they go for a drink. Island lawyers beat Dopplegangers vigourously, then
chide the band. Adam falls off stool, but recovers nicely.
7:00p Bono plays "tetris" on Powerbook instead of writing lyrics.
8:00p Time for dinner. Flood chained to mixing desk, staring at knobs.
Given gruel and cigarettes for the evening.
9:00p Band begins working in earnest. Earnest, the newest member, blows out
power during kazoo solo. Bono and Edge enthusiastically support him. Larry
kills Earnest with drumstick.
10:00p Reruns of "Rattle and Hum" shown on video camera.
11:00p "Van Diemen's Land" played, and Irish flag signals the end of daily
Broadcast. Edge voice over asks us to tune in tomorrow, when Larry says,
"If you don't write de fookin' lyrics, I swear to God I'll fookin' kill ya."
Adam and Bono recite Larry's Elvis speech from Rattle and Hum, with Bono
enthusiasticaly supporting Larry's use of "back'ard" in film. Sound of
Larry breaking door in.
2:00a Flood, chained to desk, staring at mixing board. Gives out a quiet
giggle. Fade out.
And now...the bottle-sucking incident. This was originally posted on a U2 mailing list/forum called Surrender. Maybe I've spent a bit too much time on PLEBA, but doesnt this girl seem a little blase?
Ok, here we go. While in Seattle, a bunch of us stayed at their hotel. Now
this can go either way -- you're either one of those icky horrid people who
stalk the band in the hallways or sneak up to their floor and camp out like
refugee children in the lobby, or you're the fans who stay there because you
want to be merely an elevator away from a bathroom and a bed. Anyway, a
bunch of people were waiting for the band outside the hotel before the show,
and it got extremely crowded and finally I gave up and went back in. It was
*freezing* so I went into the lounge, found a couple of people I knew, and
plunked my chilly butt down and ordered a hot chocolate. :9 So I'm sitting
there, drinking my cocoa, when the people I'm with start salivating and ogling
someone behind me. I turn slightly and yes indeedy, Bono and Adam are a table
away.
Big deal.
While my friends spaz, I sit with my back to the boys, drinking my cocoa and
waiting for my fingers to thaw. Then I hear this horrid noise, like an
*eekeekeeekeek*. Squeeking. I turn slightly and catch Bono with half a Perrier
bottle in his mouth. He's sucking the thing in such a manner it would put
Madonna to shame! I don't know what he's trying to do, the bottle is empty and
he's not going to get any more out of it. Perhaps it was regression to an
infant state of mind. Who knows.
I must have had a bizarre look on my face because he suddenly looked over and
caught me staring at him, not for who he was but for what the hell he was
doing. He put the glass down quickly and turned a delicate shade of pink. He
smiled a little, sheepishly, and all I could do was laugh and shake my head.
"Dork."
Yeah, so that's the bottle-sucking incident. No, I did not take the bottle.
But I imagine if it has a new home anywhere it's probably in the freezer with
somebody's gnawed-on carrot.
This occured, so far as I'm told, at the Edgewater Inn. The Edgewater is a vaguely noteworthy hotel; Located literally on the water, it was constructed for the 1962 World's Fair. It's the hotel the beatles once fished off the balconies of for publicity purposes. It's also where Led Zep's infamous "mud shark" incident occured. So, really, Bono would have to fellate a lot more than a water bottle to cause much of a commotion there.
A girl called Ruby on the Surrender mailing list submitted this, a list of things she'd seen written (or scratched) on the gates of Bono's estate when she visited
Cor Cordium: Ars longa vida brevis.
O let him scald me and drown me in his world's wound. His lightning
answers my cry. My voice burns in his hand. Now I am lost in the Blinding
One. The sun roars at the prayer's end.
In the service of God one can learn three things from a child and seven
from a thief.
From a child one can learn:
1 - Always be happy
2 - Never to sit idle
3 - And to cry for everything one wants.
From a thief you should learn:
1 - To work at night
2 - If one cannot gain it in one night to try again
3 - To love one's coworkers just as thieves love each other
4 - To be willing to risk one's life even for a little thing
5 - Not to attach too much value to things, even though you've risked your
life for them--just as a thief will resell a stolen article for a fraction of
its worth
6 - To withstand all kinds of beatings and tortures but to remain what you are
7 - To believe that your work is worthwhile and not be willing to change it.
Who are you who is born in the next room--so loud to my own--that I can hear
the womb opening-- and the dark run over the ghost and the dropped son behind
the wall thin a a wren's bone? In the birth bloody room unknown--to the burn
and turn of time and the heartprint of man-bows no to baptism-but dark alone
blessing on the wild child.
What boots it Shelley! That the breeze carried Thy lovely wail away musical
through Italian trees which fringe Thy soft blue Spezzian Bay. Inheritor of
Thy distress have restless hearts one throb the less.
The music in my heart I bore
Heart of boy
Long after it was heard no more.
IRIS - It is raining women's voices.
It is calling down memories
Listen to the falling perpendiculars of existence
Treaure flowers that have blossomed.
Zip yourself miss lady moustrap teeth went today around me without myself
involved - glory evening...
Nothing of him doth fade but suffer a sea change into something rich and
strange may be raised to the skies on flowered beds of ease.
Charlie Whiskers.
Children's laughter, discretion of slaves, austerity of virgins, honor of
the faces and objects of this peace, hallowed by you, by the memory of
their vigil.
I have spread my dreams under your feet, tread softly.
Girls boys listen me kiss love fun drink sick kiss cuddle sex swim sea rock
and rub.
hate blows a bubble of despair into hugeness world system universe and BANG
fear buries a tomorrow under woe and up comes yesterday moist green and
young.
seashell ebb music way-river
sea flows
who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Oh my good! Oh my beautiful! Appalling fanfare in which I do not falter!
Enchanted rack! Hurrah for the undreamed of work and for the marvellous
substance for the first time! It began in the laughter of children, it will
finish with it. The poison will remain in our veins even when by the turn
of the fanfare, we are brought back to the old disharmony. Oh let us now so
deserving of the tortures ardently gather the superhuman promise made to
our created bodies and souls: this promise, this madness! Elegance,
knowledge, violence! We have been promised that tree of good and evil shall
be buried in darkness, that tyrannical respectabilities shall be exiled so
that we can bring here our very pure love. It began with a certain amount
of disgust and it ends - being unable to sieze at once this eternity - it
ends with a riot of perfumes.
Little drunken vigil, holy! Even if only on account of the mask you have
granted us. We assert you, method! We do not forget that yesterday you
glorified our every age. We have faith in poison. We know how to give our
life each day. Now is the time of the ASSASINS.
This is from alt.fan.u2. Someone asked for a transcript of Bono's big speech at Notre Dame, before they did "Kite."
He said something like...
Sh!t! I have to sing this f!ckin' song for the 5000th time this month and
it's really starting to p!ss me off... and this corset is killing me. If
only I could take this smelly jacket off and let it all hang out. GOD I
think I'm going blind.... wait...it's the hair graft playing up again - I
knew I shouldn't have used boot polish to tone down the orange streaks.
Where am I?.... Hmmmm! USA somewhere.... and what am I doing with this
guitar - I can't play guitar! Oh, that's right...I'm supposed to sing a song
and strum a bit. Which song tho... hmmmm ... ah! Kite I think.... sounds a
bit like sh!te. Better do it anyway.... won't get paid if they don't have a
good time. Oh God, I'm so tired. I can't wait until I retire. Anyway here
goes...
"WELL FOLKS, I LOVE THIS SONG COZ I WROTE IT FOR MY KIDS (OR WAS IT FOR TOYS'R'US?)....."
The following three bits are related.
Allegedly, the first is one of the questions for prospective Microsoft employees.
There are no tricks, just plain logic.
Reportedly, one guy solved it by writing a C program, although that took him 37 minutes to develop (compiled and ran the 1st try though).
A group of 50, at Motorola, couldn't figure it out at all.
See how long it takes you:
"U2" has a concert that starts in 17 minutes and they must all cross a
bridge to get there. All four men begin on the same side of the bridge.
You must help them across to the other side. It is night. There is one
flashlight. A maximum of two people can cross at one time. Any party who
crosses, with 1 or 2 people must have the flashlight with them. The
flashlight must be walked back and forth, it cannot be thrown, etc. Each
band member walks at different speeds.
A pair must walk together at the rate of the slower man's pace:
Bono: 1 minute to cross
Edge: 2 minutes to cross
Adam: 5 minutes to cross
Larry: 10 minutes to cross
For example: if Bono and Larry walk across first, 10 minutes have elapsed
when they get to the other side of the bridge. If Larry then returns with
the flashlight, a total of 20 minutes have passed and you have failed the
mission.
Notes: There is no trick behind this. It is the simple movement of
resources in the appropriate order. There are two known answers to this
problem. This based on a question Microsoft gives to all prospective
employees.
Note: Microsoft expects you to answer this question in under 5 minutes.
The next two are parodies that were posted somewhere on Usenet...I dont remember which newsgroups now, unfortunately...
>U2 has a concert that starts in 17 minutes and the bridge has been destroyed.
>You have a row boat that will hold two people. All four men begin on the same
>side of the river. You must help them cross to the other side. But be warned:
>they have become cannibals ( well, rock and roll is hard on a guy).
>
>Bono will kill and eat only Larry if no one else is around.
>Edge will kill and eat only Adam if no one else is around
>Adam - will kill and eat any of the other band members
>Larry - will kill and eat only you if no one else is around
>
>Now, get all all band members and you safely to the other side.
>
and the solution:
Assuming U2 members don't kill each other immediatly if they can board the
boat instead (otherwise Adam will just kill everyone and be done with it):
To start you must take Adam away to the other bank since otherwise he'll
kill the other three.
Then, return alone, and cross together with Bono.
Once on the other side, grab Adam before he kills Bono and return him to the
other side.
Now, let Edge and Larry take the boat to the other side,
And, trusting that Bono will keep to his instructions, have him return on
his own.
Then, take Bono with you to the other side, leave him there, and return
alone;
Finally, take Adam with you to the other side of the bank, just in time for
the concert to start.
Unfortunatly, since Adam is now with his fellow band members and he has no
boat to distract him, at this point he will kill and eat his friends to the
mortification of over 10,000 viewers who have come to see the live concert.
....
There are four nameless men standing at one side of a perilous ravine.
There is a rickety old rope bridge to the other side, and since the men have
the misfortune of travelling at night with only one lightstick (aha, a new
twist!), they must cross alone or in pairs with the lightstick.
One of the men is rifling through a deck of (luminous) cards, his brow
furrowed in concentration as he tries to calculate the probability of not
naming a single card correctly. Since he cannot be stirred from his task, it
will take him 10 minutes to cross the bridge.
The next man, meanwhile, chuckles gleefully to himself as he recalls all
those times in school when it was he who was right, and the teacher was
wrong. Again, deep in thought, it will take him 5 minutes to cross the
bridge.
The third man, Bono to his friends, is anxious to hide from the other members
of his rock band, who are engaged in a furious debate over the exact start
date of the next millennium. He is able to cross the bridge in 2 minutes.
The fourth man is a midget, and is the fittest of the group. This is because,
when he arrives home from work each day, he must leave the lift at the 10th
floor, and climb the remaining flights of stairs to his flat. Due to this
daily workout, he can cross the bridge in one minute.
They only have 17 minutes before a large naked man will fall from the sky
clutching a broken match and crush them all.
Can they do it?
This was found on a Yahoo group called the Million Dollar Fantasy Club.
THE OFFICIAL BONO SEX SURVEY
1. The best Bono sex would occur during which Bono era/character?
A) Early Bono (I.E. Mini Bono)...Inexperienced but spunky
B) Rattle -&- Hum Bono...Very high-waisted pants: is that a good or bad thing when it comes to *lovin*?
C) Zoo TV Bono...this includes both The Fly (ahhh TIGHT VINYL PANTS) and Mr. MacPhisto (mmmm mmmm good)
D) 90s - Present Bono... this includes Pop Mart Bono (AHHHHH *TIGHT* PANTS) to the most recent Bono (think Propaganda picture).
2. The best Bono sex would occur at which location?
A) Bono?s bed- just make sure Ali is busying herself somewhere else in the house.
B) The Clarence Hotel... he owns the damn place, you?d get treated right!
C) Backstage... hahaha watch out- Adam might be watching!
D) Somewhere in Copenhagen.
3. (Courtesy of Julia) Which food product would be best to lick off of Bonos.... ummmmm lets just say "bono".
A) Whipped Cream
B) Chocolate Syrup
C) Cherries
D) Goldfish crackers
4. Which condition would be best to find Bono in in order to be able to seduce him most easily?
A) Drunk as a Skunk
B) Tipsy
C) Sober but lost in a strange city
D) Drunk and lost in a strange city
5. What is the best Bono pick up line?
A) What?s cookin' good lookin'??
B) Can I pet your knee??
C) Those tights are skin tight baby... might as well go naked... hey that?s a good idea!
D) So... did you know I got a U2K sign on television?
6. What is your "Bono Scenario"?? This one is a short answer... and don?t act like you don?t know what I mean! When you think about him during math class what are ya thinkin???
7. How much would you be willing to pay for a night w/ Bono?
A) Your parents entire life savings.
B) Your parents life savings and car(s).
C) Your parents life savings, car(s) and home.
D) Your parents.
8. Bono is...
A) A damn fine sexy man.
B) God.
C) The greatest example of the human species ever created.
D) All of the above and then some.
9. Have you seen the naked pictures of Bono?s arse?
Yes / No
10. Was your Bono admiration at all affected by the paleness of that Irish arse?
Yes / No / HELL NO
11. Lets say nude *frontal* pics of Bono have been leaked to Playgirl. Would you get an adult to buy you the issue even though that magazine is for some reason 100 times worse as Playboy?
Yes / No / Ummmm....
12. Have you planned out ways to make Bono's clothing skimpier in order to make the world a more beautiful place? (I.E. you plan on breaking into his home while he's not there and cutting the top 5 buttons off of all his shirts)
Yes / No
13. Have you been monitoring the increasing tightness factor of Bono?s pants over the last 3 U2 tours?
Yes / No / Umm I have a *life*
14. By your calculations does it seem Bono will have to go pantless this tour in order to top the tightness of the Pop Mart pants?
Yes / No / What???
18. The Edge is...
A) Sexier than Bono
B) Cuddle-rific
C) A way to get to Bono
D) A good prospect for a threesome.
16. Bono?s chest is...
A) I suppose nice...
B) Buff
C) MINE
17. How many pictures of Bono do you have on your computer?
A) 0 - 20
B) 21 - 50
C) 51- 75
D) 76 - 1,000
18. OK, Last Question: Have you estimated the size of Bono's willy???
A) You be da freak: of course not!
B) Hahahaha not seriously
C) Kinda
D) If you pay any attention in Pop Mart at all you don?t need to estimate!
[This message has been edited by Echo (edited 12-07-2001).]
