I hadn't seen the ocean in several years. Really. That is a lame thing, considering I live less than an hour away. I just never went. Too much sand, too many people, not all that much fun. I liked to head west, into the mountains and forests instead. I still do. But I just HAD to see the ocean yesterday. I just had to.
Night before last, I held a sweet, precious little kitty as she took her last breaths. She was my cat's daughter, and she looked like the middle one in my sig. She was never as big or active as her siblings, and when she started having breathing problems I took her to the vet. They said she had a congenital heart defect that had caused her not to thrive, and it was reaching the point where she could no longer function. Her little body was giving up. He told me she wasn't going to make it. I was heartbroken.
That night, I saw her lying there, gasping for air, her pretty eyes staring in desperation, like a human's, I DON'T WANT TO DIE, NO! She tried SO hard, but she just didn't have the strength. The look on her face will torture me for as long as I may live. Her siblings ran and played and pounced, fat, furry and healthy, but not her. She was leaving me. I said sad things to her, how much I loved her, and how special she was as I stroked her soft fur on her thin, frail body. I told her when she got to Rainbow Bridge, she'd see her grandaddy and he would take care of her until I got there. As much as I tried to help her and show her love, everything I did, every touch, seemed to bring her pain, and she weakly cried. I wanted her to know I loved her, and I hope she did. I finally layed her next to her mother cat, who was purring as her siblings drank from her. She was too weak to drink, and she left me there, next to the strong, active, lively bodies of the rest, she just stopped.
I picked her up, gently cradled her, talked to her again while I was crying, and curled her up in a ball. She was at peace, no more pain, in a better place, better than me. I wrapped her in a lavender dress and put her in a metal box. I hated to say goodbye. I hope she knows how much I loved and cared.
The next morning Iwas listening to Electric Storm. I listened to it over and over. It was sad to me, but so touching, so full of feelings. Not happy ones, but that's okay because not all feelings are happy. I NEEDED this song. That song seemed to be about sad things, but still a little hopeful, though all the hopes you may have do not change things. My life is headed in a low direction right now for several reasons, and I could sense that. I know every song means something different to each person including the writer, but this one was so emotional. Just as it had a downbeat feel, it had imagery, the beach, water, a cloudy day. It was a cloudy day here, and I was drawn to the sea.
So I drove there, for the first time in years, and stood watching as the teal colored water with its white caps moved to the shore and crashed in front of me under the grey sky. I was glad the sky wasn't pretty. When the sky is bright at the beach, it hurts my eyes so much I can't look at the water. I was glad the sun wasn't out, because I wasn't feeling like a sunny day, and I needed that. It was my mood, and it helped, a little. As I walked in the sand, and looked at the sky and the water, the song played over and over in my head. I was glad I had come, it made me feel better, even though all my problems were not going away and I couldn't get my baby kitty's face out of my mind. 'you're in my mind, all of the time, I know that's not enough' I wrote her name in the sand. The foamy rushing water carried it out to sea. I wish the rain would come and wash away my bad luck.
Thank you U2 for another song that holds my heart.
Night before last, I held a sweet, precious little kitty as she took her last breaths. She was my cat's daughter, and she looked like the middle one in my sig. She was never as big or active as her siblings, and when she started having breathing problems I took her to the vet. They said she had a congenital heart defect that had caused her not to thrive, and it was reaching the point where she could no longer function. Her little body was giving up. He told me she wasn't going to make it. I was heartbroken.
That night, I saw her lying there, gasping for air, her pretty eyes staring in desperation, like a human's, I DON'T WANT TO DIE, NO! She tried SO hard, but she just didn't have the strength. The look on her face will torture me for as long as I may live. Her siblings ran and played and pounced, fat, furry and healthy, but not her. She was leaving me. I said sad things to her, how much I loved her, and how special she was as I stroked her soft fur on her thin, frail body. I told her when she got to Rainbow Bridge, she'd see her grandaddy and he would take care of her until I got there. As much as I tried to help her and show her love, everything I did, every touch, seemed to bring her pain, and she weakly cried. I wanted her to know I loved her, and I hope she did. I finally layed her next to her mother cat, who was purring as her siblings drank from her. She was too weak to drink, and she left me there, next to the strong, active, lively bodies of the rest, she just stopped.
I picked her up, gently cradled her, talked to her again while I was crying, and curled her up in a ball. She was at peace, no more pain, in a better place, better than me. I wrapped her in a lavender dress and put her in a metal box. I hated to say goodbye. I hope she knows how much I loved and cared.The next morning Iwas listening to Electric Storm. I listened to it over and over. It was sad to me, but so touching, so full of feelings. Not happy ones, but that's okay because not all feelings are happy. I NEEDED this song. That song seemed to be about sad things, but still a little hopeful, though all the hopes you may have do not change things. My life is headed in a low direction right now for several reasons, and I could sense that. I know every song means something different to each person including the writer, but this one was so emotional. Just as it had a downbeat feel, it had imagery, the beach, water, a cloudy day. It was a cloudy day here, and I was drawn to the sea.
So I drove there, for the first time in years, and stood watching as the teal colored water with its white caps moved to the shore and crashed in front of me under the grey sky. I was glad the sky wasn't pretty. When the sky is bright at the beach, it hurts my eyes so much I can't look at the water. I was glad the sun wasn't out, because I wasn't feeling like a sunny day, and I needed that. It was my mood, and it helped, a little. As I walked in the sand, and looked at the sky and the water, the song played over and over in my head. I was glad I had come, it made me feel better, even though all my problems were not going away and I couldn't get my baby kitty's face out of my mind. 'you're in my mind, all of the time, I know that's not enough' I wrote her name in the sand. The foamy rushing water carried it out to sea. I wish the rain would come and wash away my bad luck.
Thank you U2 for another song that holds my heart.
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