Echo
War Child
Hey PLEBA-keteers. For those of you wondering why I haven?t been posting on the MPS, here?s why: I re-wrote "Hamlet"!
Everyone?s in this one...me, Bluey, Bona, Julie, CatDubh, ScottPhisto, MullenGirl, and of course Mona. Please read and tell me what you think! I put a lot of work into this!
. . .
ACT I SCENE I
*MullenGirl stands guard in front of the PLEBA mansion.*
MULLENGIRL: Hey! Who's that?
JULIE: Relax, I'm here to take over.
MULLENGIRL: You're just in time. *Points to her tiny portable television* VH1 is rerunning the Elevation concert.
JULIE: Cool!
MULLEN GIRL: Have a good time. I'm gonna go watch it on the big screen in the den.
JULIE: Aw, man...*sits*
*Edge and CatDubh approach.*
CATDUBH: What's going on?
JULIE: *mouthful of popcorn* Watching some Elevation.
CATDUBH: Whose?
JULIE: No, no, the concert.
EDGE: You see the ghost yet?
JULIE: What ghost?
EDGE: He shows up now and then. Doesn't say anything.
*Bright light.*
CATDUBH: It's him!
*Ghost appears.*
CATDUBH: Well, what are you waiting for! *Elbows Edge* Go try and talk to him!
EDGE: *sigh* *approaches ghost* Um...Hi...We're all curious as to why you're here.
*Ghost is silent* *Edge turns back to CatDubh and Julie; shrugs.*
*Darkness falls again.*
CATDUBH: There it goes.
JULIE: That was some weird shit.
EDGE: It looked kind of like Sting.
JULIE: You know, you're right...
*Ghost returns.*
EDGE: There it is again!
JULIE: What should we do?
CATDUBH: I don't know...Poke it with a stick!
JULIE: What?!
CATDUBH: Does the remote control work on him?
*Ghost leaves.*
CATDUBH: Oh, now look what you did!
JULIE: I didn't do anything! Aw man! Look what it did to the TV reception...
ACT I SCENE II
*A crowd gathers around a throne in the rec room of the PLEBA mansion.*
BRIAN ENO: It is sad to see the passing of our dear friend Sting, a true hero in these troubled times...
MONA: *sniff* He was such a tamale.
BRIAN ENO: But we must not let the end of his life mean the end of our own. That is why I am pleased to announce my marriage to the lovely former Mrs. Sting, Trudie Styler.
TRUDIE: What can I say? I have a thing for balding New Wave blondes.
ECHO: *from behind throne* New Wave, my arse.
EDGE: Did you hear something?
BONO: *FUME*
ENO: Hey, what's your problem, Shorty?
BONO: Why don't you feck off and ruin another Talking Heads album!
TRUDIE: Chill out Bono. We all miss Sting, but we have to move on.
SCOTTPHISTO: Um...I'm really happy for you and Trudie and everything, but I really need to leave. I gotta get back to the MacPhisto Society.
ENO: That cool with you, Mac?
MACPHISTO: Someone's gotta hold the fort while I'm gone.
ENO: Alright, have fun.
ACT I SCENE III
*A corridor on the second floor.*
SCOTTPHISTO: I'm 'bout to hit the road, babe.
MONA: But...but...who am I gonna throw zucchinis at?
SCOTTPHISTO: Do me a favor while I'm gone.
MONA: Anything.
SCOTTPHISTO: Don't defile Bono.
MONA: What?! But he just promised me I could be his Elevation Technician!
SCOTTPHISTO: I'm only looking out for you. Bono talks a lot, you know, but he's a heartbreaker. One minute you're all set to be his Elevation Technician, the next minute you're cleaning the loos.
MONA: *Looks at mop* Yeah...
SCOTTPHISTO: So try to maintain some level of Inter-Pantal Control, okay?
MONA: Well...alright. But only 'cause you're my soulmate! Say hi to everyone in the MacPhisto Society for me!
ACT I SCENE IV
*Bono and Edge stand outside the PLEBA Mansion*
BONO: Holy feck it's cold out here.
EDGE: *looks at two-way radio wristwatch* It won't be much longer.
*Light.* *Enter the Ghost of Sting*
EDGE: I think it wants to talk to you. *scrams*
BONO: *gulp* Hey Gordie, what's up.
STING: Don't call me "Gordie."
BONO: Hey, you're dead, buddy, I'll call you whatever I want. What're ya gonna do to me?
STING: *sigh* You keeping an eye on the rain forest for me?
BONO: You know it.
STING: Good, good. Listen, I want to talk to you about Brian Eno.
BONO: That wanker? Believe me, I know all about that. You sure got screwed over.
STING: There's something you don't know. Eno put a hit on me.
BONO: *blinks* Eno was hitting on you? Dude, that's nothin', you should see what he's doin' to your wife!
STING: No, he put a hit on me! He hired someone to kill me so he could move in on the PLEBA mansion!
BONO: What the hell were you doing in the PLEBA mansion?
STING: I don't know! Some dark-haired girl in a camo hat chloroformed me and Bruce Springsteen and put us in these big jars in the basement. Look, the point is, you have to avenge my death!
BONO: I what? Avenge? Whatever happened to Mr. Zen Yoga Nothing-Comes-From-Violence Sting?
STING: Had you fooled, didn't I? *He disappears.*
BONO: Oh, shite.
EDGE: Wow.
BONO: Okay, listen Edge. You remember that time we went to Graceland?
EDGE: Yeah.
BONO: And we broke off from the tour group and wandered into the master bedroom?
EDGE: *blush* Yeah....
BONO: No, no, after we did that...When I found Elvis's pistol in the nightstand and I accidentally shot a hole in the waterbed? And we covered it with a pillow and snuck out and agreed not to tell anyone?
EDGE: Yeah?
BONO: Well, this is more secret than that, okay?
ACT II SCENE I
*Mona's bedroom.*
MACPHISTO: Mona! Why isn't the loo clean!...And why are there holes drilled in the wall? *He looks in one* Oh my...didn't Larry specifically request not to have a room adjacent to yours?
MONA: *drool*
MACPHISTO: Mona, listen to me.
MONA: Hm?
MACPHISTO: You're not letting Bono do any banging, are you?
MONA: *faint*
MACPHISTO: Cause he really needs more practice at it.
MONA: *wakes up* *faints*
MACPHISTO: You'd think after all these years he wouldn't pound away at it so sloppily.
MONA: *wakes up* *faints*
MACPHISTO: How long has he been practicing the drums, anyway?
MONA: Drums?
ACT II SCENE II
*The rec room.*
LARRY: Well, once again we have been relegated to skimpy, pathetic supporting roles.
ADAM: Don't forget doomed.
BRIAN ENO: Would you two please tell me what Boner's problem is? He's been sulking ever since Sting died and I married his wife.
LARRY: *sneer* Yeah, he's always been unreasonable like that.
ADAM: *looks around* Um....where's Lanois? I like him a lot better.
LARRY: Leave it to us, sir, to speak with Bono. His hash will get settled directly.
*Exeunt.*
*Cut to Bono sulking in a corridor on the first floor.* *Enter The Players.*
BONO: Who are you?
BLUEY: Just a meager traveling troupe of actors in search of work.
BONA: Do you have need of us?
BONO: Hmmm...as a matter of fact...do any of you belly dance?
ECHO: *points to Animatronic Edge* He does.
BONO: Em...not quite what I had in mind...
ACT III SCENE I
BRIAN ENO: Well?
ADAM: He's a fruitcake, alright.
BRIAN ENO: I knew it. Ever since the time I wanted to replace the guitar in "Mysterious Ways" with the sound of me clipping my toenails, and he thought it might not be the most brilliant musical concept in history. I knew then, that he was a madman.
*Cut to Bono, sulking in the corridor. Enter Mona.*
MONA: There you are! When are you gonna make me your Elevation Technician?
BONO: Well, em...
MONA: Can I at least be your special tamale?
BONO: Em...
MONA: Oh! Oh! How about we screw! *Holds up power drill* Edge taught me how!
BONO: Well...
MONA: Just let me baste you? Can I hold your balls? I've got a can of cranberry sauce!
BONO: *perk* With the little ridges?
MONA: Yep.
BONO: Well...No, no. I can't. You've got to get out of here.
MONA: What do you mean?
BONO: You've got to leave the PLEBA mansion! You're too scandalous for your own good! The world can't stand another Elevated thread! All of Interference will combust! Get thee to EYKIW!
MONA: Noooooo!!!
BONO: Get thee to EYKIW, I say!
ACT III SCENE II
BONO: Okay, here's what I want you to do - Bona, you take this, it's supposed to be a vial of poison, right? And pour it over the plate of food. Then Bluey comes in and eats the food and passes out.
BLUEY: I'm always at death's door in these things...
BONO: And then Animatronic Edge comes in, and he says...
ECHO: Em...Animatronic Edge doesn't talk.
BONO: What?
ECHO: Yeah, see, he's kind of like Harpo Marx.
BONO: Is that so.
ECHO: Uh huh. And Bluey's our Groucho...and Bona?s sorta like Chico...
BONO: Which one are you?
ECHO: Em...Karl.
*Enter Adam and Larry*
BONO: Hey, what's up, guys?
ADAM: You've changed, man! It used to be about the songs!
BONO: Oh, man, I'm in an episode of Behind the Music.
LARRY: Eno doesn't like your attitude.
BONO: Is this about the thing with the wooden fish?
LARRY: All we know is, you better shape up or ship out.
ADAM: And when you're done here, Trudie wants to talk to you!
BONO: Oh, man! Rock star wives...they're all a bunch of harpies...
ALI: What did you say?
BONO: Nothing, dear...
ACT III SCENE III
*Trudie's bedroom.*
TRUDIE: I've found that if you use a moisturizer just before applying a layer of foundation, you get much better results.
MACPHISTO: Wow...I never thought of that...
TRUDIE: Oh, here he comes! Hide!
*MacPhisto looks around for place to hide, sees none.*
TRUDIE: Hurry!
*MacPhisto takes the shade off the lamp, puts it on his head. Stands very still.*
BONO: *enters* You wanted to talk to me?
TRUDIE: Yes, come sit. Now listen, I know you're upset over what happened between me and Brian...
BONO: It's awfully dark in here...mind if I turn a light on?
TRUDIE: NO! I mean...em....
BONO: What's the problem? *walks over to MacPhisto, reaches under lampshade, pulls cord*
MACPHISTO: Um...click?
BONO: What the... *rips shade off* Hey! *clocks MacPhisto*
MACPHISTO: *reeling* Ow! My jaw! My glamorous jaw!
BONO: Dude, you are so busted.
ACT IV SCENE I
*The kitchen of the PLEBA Mansion.*
MONA: Hey, check out my new Bon Jovi Cuisinart!
BRIAN ENO: Oh, lovely.
*Edge enters, wearing tool belt.*
BRIAN ENO: Ah, Edge...getting ready to do some screwing, no doubt.
MONA: *is scandalized*
EDGE: Yeah, you know me...whenever I see a hole I just gotta do some pounding.
MONA: *faints*
BRIAN ENO: You really tore that wall up good, didn't you, Mona?
MONA: *starts to get up* Oh, the wall.
*Suddenly Larry enters, holding a bag*
LARRY: Hey Eno, what do you want me to do with my balls?
BRIAN ENO: Juts keep them in your sack for now...take 'em out to the tennis court, we're gonna slap 'em around later.
MONA: !!!
*Suddenly Adam enters*
ADAM: Hey guys, I -- *His sarong falls off* Whoops!
MONA: !!!!!!!
BRIAN ENO: *standing next to the microwave* Does anyone want a Hot Pocket? Or maybe a Pop Tart?
EDGE: Well, I'm gonna get back to screwing...
MONA: !!!!!!!!!!!
*Suddenly Bono enters*
BONO: Um...the elevator is broken...
MONA: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *falls over dead*
BRIAN ENO: Oh no...
EDGE: She scandalized herself to death!
BRIAN ENO: Oh man. ScottPhisto is gonna be pissed off.
ACT V SCENE I
*Edge's bedroom.* *Enter Bono.*
EDGE: *looks up from workbench* Hey, man.
BONO: Hey. Whatcha working on?
EDGE: I'm doing you a favor. Tomorrow night's the big Atari Championship.
BONO: So?
EDGE: So, everyone's gonna be there! It's your chance for revenge!
BONO: But I can't play video games worth a crap! The last time I tried, my frog got run over by two cars! And I was playing Tetris!
EDGE: I know...that's why no one will anticipate your stunning victory! See, I took a break from perfecting cold fusion --- 'cause really, that can wait --- and I rigged this game controller. Whoever uses this will surely lose; the buttons have all been reprogrammed.
BONO: That's brilliant! I'll humiliate them all!
EDGE: Now before everyone shows up, I'm gonna go and hook this up to the player two console...So you always gotta be player one, got it?
BONO: No problem.
ACT V SCENE II
*The video arcade at the PLEBA Mansion.*
BRIAN ENO: Quiet please! Now I know it's been a long, hard...
EDGE: *blush*
BRIAN ENO: ...tournament. But I'm please to announce the two finalists: ScottPhsito and Bono! ScottPhisto, you were last year's champion, so you may choose the game for the final showdown.
SCOTTPHISTO: I choose...Ms. Pac-Man.
BONO: Shite.
SCOTTPHISTO: *nods and grins* Oh yeah, it's on now, Shorty.
*Bono wins the first round. The crowd goes wild. Bono does a victory lap around the heart-shaped catwalk that surrounds the arcade. ScottPhisto fumes. When Bono returns, he grabs for a controller and gets set for Round Two.*
BRIAN ENO: Begin!
*Bono starts, going for the power pill to the right...but Ms. Pac-Man goes to the left! Oh no! Bono has picked up the wrong controller!*
*Suddenly small projectiles start pelting the screen.*
SCOTTPHISTO: What the hell...is it hailing in here?
BONO: Dammit Larry! Point your shirt somewhere else! I'm trying to play!
LARRY: A thousand pardons. *turns*
*Pop! Pop!*
SCOTTPHISTO: Ow! My eye!
LARRY: Oh God, sorry!
SCOTTPHISTO: *Hand over eye* I can't play like this!
BRIAN ENO: Oh no! The tournament is ruined!
*Brian Eno gets up from he throne. He steps down and slips on some nachos*
BRIAN ENO: Gah! *falls, bonks head and dies*
*Echo does the Happy Dance.*
EDGE: *sniff* I can't help but think that those nachos were meant for me...
BONO: *Throws down controller* Aw, man...I was so close.
EDGE: Don't worry about it. ScottPhisto's gonna have to forfeit anyway.
BONO: You know Edge...*waves dismissively at videogame* It occurs to me that the problems of three musicians, a dyslexic, a devil, a shitty ambient producer, and a bunch of horny women don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
EDGE: Bono, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
*They walk off into the sunset.*
MONA: *rises from the dead* Hey! That's not how this pla---THE END
------------------
*Echo the Pimpstress* ... Proud Owner of Animatronic Edge!
"Sting, you know I love you but you got a hell of a lot to learn about Rock n' Roll." -Bono
"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" - Me
*Somewhere, Edge blushes.*
Bono-Man! An Epic Superhero Adventure!
The Official PLEBA Glossary: Delicious AND Nutritious!
Everyone?s in this one...me, Bluey, Bona, Julie, CatDubh, ScottPhisto, MullenGirl, and of course Mona. Please read and tell me what you think! I put a lot of work into this!
. . .
ACT I SCENE I
*MullenGirl stands guard in front of the PLEBA mansion.*
MULLENGIRL: Hey! Who's that?
JULIE: Relax, I'm here to take over.
MULLENGIRL: You're just in time. *Points to her tiny portable television* VH1 is rerunning the Elevation concert.
JULIE: Cool!
MULLEN GIRL: Have a good time. I'm gonna go watch it on the big screen in the den.
JULIE: Aw, man...*sits*
*Edge and CatDubh approach.*
CATDUBH: What's going on?
JULIE: *mouthful of popcorn* Watching some Elevation.
CATDUBH: Whose?
JULIE: No, no, the concert.
EDGE: You see the ghost yet?
JULIE: What ghost?
EDGE: He shows up now and then. Doesn't say anything.
*Bright light.*
CATDUBH: It's him!
*Ghost appears.*
CATDUBH: Well, what are you waiting for! *Elbows Edge* Go try and talk to him!
EDGE: *sigh* *approaches ghost* Um...Hi...We're all curious as to why you're here.
*Ghost is silent* *Edge turns back to CatDubh and Julie; shrugs.*
*Darkness falls again.*
CATDUBH: There it goes.
JULIE: That was some weird shit.
EDGE: It looked kind of like Sting.
JULIE: You know, you're right...
*Ghost returns.*
EDGE: There it is again!
JULIE: What should we do?
CATDUBH: I don't know...Poke it with a stick!
JULIE: What?!
CATDUBH: Does the remote control work on him?
*Ghost leaves.*
CATDUBH: Oh, now look what you did!
JULIE: I didn't do anything! Aw man! Look what it did to the TV reception...
ACT I SCENE II
*A crowd gathers around a throne in the rec room of the PLEBA mansion.*
BRIAN ENO: It is sad to see the passing of our dear friend Sting, a true hero in these troubled times...
MONA: *sniff* He was such a tamale.
BRIAN ENO: But we must not let the end of his life mean the end of our own. That is why I am pleased to announce my marriage to the lovely former Mrs. Sting, Trudie Styler.
TRUDIE: What can I say? I have a thing for balding New Wave blondes.
ECHO: *from behind throne* New Wave, my arse.
EDGE: Did you hear something?
BONO: *FUME*
ENO: Hey, what's your problem, Shorty?
BONO: Why don't you feck off and ruin another Talking Heads album!
TRUDIE: Chill out Bono. We all miss Sting, but we have to move on.
SCOTTPHISTO: Um...I'm really happy for you and Trudie and everything, but I really need to leave. I gotta get back to the MacPhisto Society.
ENO: That cool with you, Mac?
MACPHISTO: Someone's gotta hold the fort while I'm gone.
ENO: Alright, have fun.
ACT I SCENE III
*A corridor on the second floor.*
SCOTTPHISTO: I'm 'bout to hit the road, babe.
MONA: But...but...who am I gonna throw zucchinis at?
SCOTTPHISTO: Do me a favor while I'm gone.
MONA: Anything.
SCOTTPHISTO: Don't defile Bono.
MONA: What?! But he just promised me I could be his Elevation Technician!
SCOTTPHISTO: I'm only looking out for you. Bono talks a lot, you know, but he's a heartbreaker. One minute you're all set to be his Elevation Technician, the next minute you're cleaning the loos.
MONA: *Looks at mop* Yeah...
SCOTTPHISTO: So try to maintain some level of Inter-Pantal Control, okay?
MONA: Well...alright. But only 'cause you're my soulmate! Say hi to everyone in the MacPhisto Society for me!
ACT I SCENE IV
*Bono and Edge stand outside the PLEBA Mansion*
BONO: Holy feck it's cold out here.
EDGE: *looks at two-way radio wristwatch* It won't be much longer.
*Light.* *Enter the Ghost of Sting*
EDGE: I think it wants to talk to you. *scrams*
BONO: *gulp* Hey Gordie, what's up.
STING: Don't call me "Gordie."
BONO: Hey, you're dead, buddy, I'll call you whatever I want. What're ya gonna do to me?
STING: *sigh* You keeping an eye on the rain forest for me?
BONO: You know it.
STING: Good, good. Listen, I want to talk to you about Brian Eno.
BONO: That wanker? Believe me, I know all about that. You sure got screwed over.
STING: There's something you don't know. Eno put a hit on me.
BONO: *blinks* Eno was hitting on you? Dude, that's nothin', you should see what he's doin' to your wife!
STING: No, he put a hit on me! He hired someone to kill me so he could move in on the PLEBA mansion!
BONO: What the hell were you doing in the PLEBA mansion?
STING: I don't know! Some dark-haired girl in a camo hat chloroformed me and Bruce Springsteen and put us in these big jars in the basement. Look, the point is, you have to avenge my death!
BONO: I what? Avenge? Whatever happened to Mr. Zen Yoga Nothing-Comes-From-Violence Sting?
STING: Had you fooled, didn't I? *He disappears.*
BONO: Oh, shite.
EDGE: Wow.
BONO: Okay, listen Edge. You remember that time we went to Graceland?
EDGE: Yeah.
BONO: And we broke off from the tour group and wandered into the master bedroom?
EDGE: *blush* Yeah....
BONO: No, no, after we did that...When I found Elvis's pistol in the nightstand and I accidentally shot a hole in the waterbed? And we covered it with a pillow and snuck out and agreed not to tell anyone?
EDGE: Yeah?
BONO: Well, this is more secret than that, okay?
ACT II SCENE I
*Mona's bedroom.*
MACPHISTO: Mona! Why isn't the loo clean!...And why are there holes drilled in the wall? *He looks in one* Oh my...didn't Larry specifically request not to have a room adjacent to yours?
MONA: *drool*
MACPHISTO: Mona, listen to me.
MONA: Hm?
MACPHISTO: You're not letting Bono do any banging, are you?
MONA: *faint*
MACPHISTO: Cause he really needs more practice at it.
MONA: *wakes up* *faints*
MACPHISTO: You'd think after all these years he wouldn't pound away at it so sloppily.
MONA: *wakes up* *faints*
MACPHISTO: How long has he been practicing the drums, anyway?
MONA: Drums?
ACT II SCENE II
*The rec room.*
LARRY: Well, once again we have been relegated to skimpy, pathetic supporting roles.
ADAM: Don't forget doomed.
BRIAN ENO: Would you two please tell me what Boner's problem is? He's been sulking ever since Sting died and I married his wife.
LARRY: *sneer* Yeah, he's always been unreasonable like that.
ADAM: *looks around* Um....where's Lanois? I like him a lot better.
LARRY: Leave it to us, sir, to speak with Bono. His hash will get settled directly.
*Exeunt.*
*Cut to Bono sulking in a corridor on the first floor.* *Enter The Players.*
BONO: Who are you?
BLUEY: Just a meager traveling troupe of actors in search of work.
BONA: Do you have need of us?
BONO: Hmmm...as a matter of fact...do any of you belly dance?
ECHO: *points to Animatronic Edge* He does.
BONO: Em...not quite what I had in mind...
ACT III SCENE I
BRIAN ENO: Well?
ADAM: He's a fruitcake, alright.
BRIAN ENO: I knew it. Ever since the time I wanted to replace the guitar in "Mysterious Ways" with the sound of me clipping my toenails, and he thought it might not be the most brilliant musical concept in history. I knew then, that he was a madman.
*Cut to Bono, sulking in the corridor. Enter Mona.*
MONA: There you are! When are you gonna make me your Elevation Technician?
BONO: Well, em...
MONA: Can I at least be your special tamale?
BONO: Em...
MONA: Oh! Oh! How about we screw! *Holds up power drill* Edge taught me how!
BONO: Well...
MONA: Just let me baste you? Can I hold your balls? I've got a can of cranberry sauce!
BONO: *perk* With the little ridges?
MONA: Yep.
BONO: Well...No, no. I can't. You've got to get out of here.
MONA: What do you mean?
BONO: You've got to leave the PLEBA mansion! You're too scandalous for your own good! The world can't stand another Elevated thread! All of Interference will combust! Get thee to EYKIW!
MONA: Noooooo!!!
BONO: Get thee to EYKIW, I say!
ACT III SCENE II
BONO: Okay, here's what I want you to do - Bona, you take this, it's supposed to be a vial of poison, right? And pour it over the plate of food. Then Bluey comes in and eats the food and passes out.
BLUEY: I'm always at death's door in these things...
BONO: And then Animatronic Edge comes in, and he says...
ECHO: Em...Animatronic Edge doesn't talk.
BONO: What?
ECHO: Yeah, see, he's kind of like Harpo Marx.
BONO: Is that so.
ECHO: Uh huh. And Bluey's our Groucho...and Bona?s sorta like Chico...
BONO: Which one are you?
ECHO: Em...Karl.
*Enter Adam and Larry*
BONO: Hey, what's up, guys?
ADAM: You've changed, man! It used to be about the songs!
BONO: Oh, man, I'm in an episode of Behind the Music.
LARRY: Eno doesn't like your attitude.
BONO: Is this about the thing with the wooden fish?
LARRY: All we know is, you better shape up or ship out.
ADAM: And when you're done here, Trudie wants to talk to you!
BONO: Oh, man! Rock star wives...they're all a bunch of harpies...
ALI: What did you say?
BONO: Nothing, dear...
ACT III SCENE III
*Trudie's bedroom.*
TRUDIE: I've found that if you use a moisturizer just before applying a layer of foundation, you get much better results.
MACPHISTO: Wow...I never thought of that...
TRUDIE: Oh, here he comes! Hide!
*MacPhisto looks around for place to hide, sees none.*
TRUDIE: Hurry!
*MacPhisto takes the shade off the lamp, puts it on his head. Stands very still.*
BONO: *enters* You wanted to talk to me?
TRUDIE: Yes, come sit. Now listen, I know you're upset over what happened between me and Brian...
BONO: It's awfully dark in here...mind if I turn a light on?
TRUDIE: NO! I mean...em....
BONO: What's the problem? *walks over to MacPhisto, reaches under lampshade, pulls cord*
MACPHISTO: Um...click?
BONO: What the... *rips shade off* Hey! *clocks MacPhisto*
MACPHISTO: *reeling* Ow! My jaw! My glamorous jaw!
BONO: Dude, you are so busted.
ACT IV SCENE I
*The kitchen of the PLEBA Mansion.*
MONA: Hey, check out my new Bon Jovi Cuisinart!
BRIAN ENO: Oh, lovely.
*Edge enters, wearing tool belt.*
BRIAN ENO: Ah, Edge...getting ready to do some screwing, no doubt.
MONA: *is scandalized*
EDGE: Yeah, you know me...whenever I see a hole I just gotta do some pounding.
MONA: *faints*
BRIAN ENO: You really tore that wall up good, didn't you, Mona?
MONA: *starts to get up* Oh, the wall.
*Suddenly Larry enters, holding a bag*
LARRY: Hey Eno, what do you want me to do with my balls?
BRIAN ENO: Juts keep them in your sack for now...take 'em out to the tennis court, we're gonna slap 'em around later.
MONA: !!!
*Suddenly Adam enters*
ADAM: Hey guys, I -- *His sarong falls off* Whoops!
MONA: !!!!!!!
BRIAN ENO: *standing next to the microwave* Does anyone want a Hot Pocket? Or maybe a Pop Tart?
EDGE: Well, I'm gonna get back to screwing...
MONA: !!!!!!!!!!!
*Suddenly Bono enters*
BONO: Um...the elevator is broken...
MONA: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *falls over dead*
BRIAN ENO: Oh no...
EDGE: She scandalized herself to death!
BRIAN ENO: Oh man. ScottPhisto is gonna be pissed off.
ACT V SCENE I
*Edge's bedroom.* *Enter Bono.*
EDGE: *looks up from workbench* Hey, man.
BONO: Hey. Whatcha working on?
EDGE: I'm doing you a favor. Tomorrow night's the big Atari Championship.
BONO: So?
EDGE: So, everyone's gonna be there! It's your chance for revenge!
BONO: But I can't play video games worth a crap! The last time I tried, my frog got run over by two cars! And I was playing Tetris!
EDGE: I know...that's why no one will anticipate your stunning victory! See, I took a break from perfecting cold fusion --- 'cause really, that can wait --- and I rigged this game controller. Whoever uses this will surely lose; the buttons have all been reprogrammed.
BONO: That's brilliant! I'll humiliate them all!
EDGE: Now before everyone shows up, I'm gonna go and hook this up to the player two console...So you always gotta be player one, got it?
BONO: No problem.
ACT V SCENE II
*The video arcade at the PLEBA Mansion.*
BRIAN ENO: Quiet please! Now I know it's been a long, hard...
EDGE: *blush*
BRIAN ENO: ...tournament. But I'm please to announce the two finalists: ScottPhsito and Bono! ScottPhisto, you were last year's champion, so you may choose the game for the final showdown.
SCOTTPHISTO: I choose...Ms. Pac-Man.
BONO: Shite.
SCOTTPHISTO: *nods and grins* Oh yeah, it's on now, Shorty.
*Bono wins the first round. The crowd goes wild. Bono does a victory lap around the heart-shaped catwalk that surrounds the arcade. ScottPhisto fumes. When Bono returns, he grabs for a controller and gets set for Round Two.*
BRIAN ENO: Begin!
*Bono starts, going for the power pill to the right...but Ms. Pac-Man goes to the left! Oh no! Bono has picked up the wrong controller!*
*Suddenly small projectiles start pelting the screen.*
SCOTTPHISTO: What the hell...is it hailing in here?
BONO: Dammit Larry! Point your shirt somewhere else! I'm trying to play!
LARRY: A thousand pardons. *turns*
*Pop! Pop!*
SCOTTPHISTO: Ow! My eye!
LARRY: Oh God, sorry!
SCOTTPHISTO: *Hand over eye* I can't play like this!
BRIAN ENO: Oh no! The tournament is ruined!
*Brian Eno gets up from he throne. He steps down and slips on some nachos*
BRIAN ENO: Gah! *falls, bonks head and dies*
*Echo does the Happy Dance.*
EDGE: *sniff* I can't help but think that those nachos were meant for me...
BONO: *Throws down controller* Aw, man...I was so close.
EDGE: Don't worry about it. ScottPhisto's gonna have to forfeit anyway.
BONO: You know Edge...*waves dismissively at videogame* It occurs to me that the problems of three musicians, a dyslexic, a devil, a shitty ambient producer, and a bunch of horny women don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
EDGE: Bono, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
*They walk off into the sunset.*
MONA: *rises from the dead* Hey! That's not how this pla---THE END
------------------
*Echo the Pimpstress* ... Proud Owner of Animatronic Edge!
"Sting, you know I love you but you got a hell of a lot to learn about Rock n' Roll." -Bono
"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" - Me
*Somewhere, Edge blushes.*
Bono-Man! An Epic Superhero Adventure!
The Official PLEBA Glossary: Delicious AND Nutritious!
