BonosSaint
Rock n' Roll Doggie
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Messages
- 3,566
THE IRA KIDNAPS BONO --2005. A DRAMATIZATION
(BONO EXITS A NORTH DUBLIN PUB AT 4 AM, WEARING SUNGLASSES, FOUR FOOT PLATFORM SHOES, AND CARRYING A HALF-FULL GLASS, ETCHED WITH "GUINESS, THE FAIR TRADE ALE" ON IT. HE IS QUICKLY SURROUNDED BY FOUR IRA TERRORISTS CARRYING GUNS, FACES COVERED.)
BONO: (SMILING) HELLO, I'M BONO.
IRA 1: GET INTO THE CAR.
BONO: REALLY, I'D LOVE TO, BUT I'VE SPENT THE PAST FOUR
DAYS IN THIS PUB AND IF I DON'T GO HOME NOW, I'LL BE
SLEEPING IN THE STREET LIKE A STRAY DOG AGAIN.
IRA 2: SHUT UP!!!
BONO: WILL YOU SETTLE FOR AN AUTOGRAPH?
IRA 3: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
BONO: OK. (HE GETS INTO THE BACK SEAT, SURROUNDED
RESPECTIVELY ON EACH SIDE BY IRA 3 AND 4.
BONO: THIS LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE HYBRID CARS. I SALUTE
YOU. YOU KNOW IT REALLY IS ONLY FAIR FOR US TO
CONSERVE ENERGY. DO YOU KNOW THE WESTERN WORLD
CONSUMES 75% OF THE WORLD'S ENERGY SUPPLY,
FEEDING ON THE OPPRESSED PEOPLE OF THE AFRICAN
WORLD.
IRA 1: SINCE WHEN DO AFRICAN NATIONS PRODUCE OIL?
BONO: EXACTLY. HOWEVER, THE WEST USES UP THE WORLD
ENERGY SUPPLY WHILE NEGLETING THE REAL NEEDS OF
IMPOVERISHED AFRICAN NATIONS, WHOSE PEOPLE ARE
DYING OF AIDS WHILE AN INDIFFERENT CIVILIZED WORLD
LOOKS ON. DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE SACRIFICE IT WOULD
TAKE FROM EACH PERSON TO BRING NEEDED SUPPLIES AND
MEDICINES TO THESE POOR PEOPLE. AND CONTRACEPTIVES.
THE GOD I BELIEVE IN IS NOT SHORT OF RUBBERS, MISTER.
IRA 1: DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU ARE HERE?
BONO: THAT'S AN INTERESTING PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION. AS
I WAS DISCUSSING WITH MY GOOD FRIENDS, SALMAN
RUSHDIE AND PARIS HILTON, I AM HOPING THAT I HAVE
BEEN PUT HERE TO DO SOME GOOD IN THIS WORLD. BUT
WHO CAN REALLY KNOW WHY WE ARE HERE FOR CERTAIN.
SOMETIMES THE BEST WE CAN DO IS TO FAKE IT.
IRA 1: I MEAN, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
BONO: I AM ASSUMING YOU ARE TAKING ME TO SOME WORLD
LEADER WHO HAS LOST MY CELL PHONE NUMBER.
IRA 2: WE ARE THE IRISH REPUBLICAN ARMY AND YOU HAVE
BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE.
BONO: I DO HAVE A PRIVATE CONCERT AND WINE TASTING FOR
AFRICAN DEBT RELIEF AT 8 TONIGHT. i WILL HAVE TO BE
BACK BY THEN. THE DEBT BURDEN ON THESE COUNTRIES IS
CRIPPLING. IT IS HEARTBREAKING, WHEN SO MANY
COUNTRIES WOULDN'T EVEN MISS THE MONEY. FOR THE
RICHEST COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD TO NOT FORGIVE THE
DEBT OF THE POOREST IS UNCONSCIENCEABLE.
IRA 1: SHUT UP!!!
BONO: LET ME TELL YOU (STERN SILENCE ON ALL SIDES) I
DON'T MEAN TO BUG YA. HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW ALBUM?
I THINK IT'S THE BEST THING WE'VE EVER DONE--ALTHOUGH
I'M NOT SURE OF THE ORDER OF IT. WHAT DID YOU THINK
ABOUT THE ORDER (LOOKS TROUBLED). I THINK PERHAPS
THE ORDER OF IT IS WRONG. (BRIGHTENS). BUT IT'S NOT
A CRAP ALBUM. WE STILL GOT SOME BREATHING ROOM. WE
DIDN'T USE UP ONE OF OUR CRAP ALBUM SLOTS. WE STILL
HAVE TWO LEFT BEFORE WE HAVE TO GIVE UP. DO YOU THINK
WE COME OFF AS TOO SERIOUS? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE
SONG ON THE ALBUM? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE U2 SONG OF
ALL TIME? COME ON NOW, DON'T BE SHY. I'VE GOT A TAPE
RIGHT HERE WITH ME (SEARCHES, HIS POCKETS, FINDS TAPE)
HERE. WHY DON'T YOU JUST POP IT IN? (IRA1 BREAKS TAPE.
BONO LOOKS WOUNDED)
BONO: I KNOW YOU THINK OF US AS RICH, PAMPERED, SPOILED
ROCK STARS WITH MASERATIS, DOZENS OF HOUSES ALL
AROUND THE WORLD, EXPENSIVE SUNGLASSES--WOULD YOU
LIKE TO TRY MINE ON? (IRA 3 SHAKES HIS HEAD WEARILY)
FATWA'D FOLLOWERS AND SUPERMODELS TO DO OUR EVERY
BIDDING. BUT TRULY WE ARE HUMBLED. 4 LADS FROM LIVER...
NORTH DUBLIN, OUR IRISH ROOTS SUNK IN DEEP, SMELLING
LIKE THE TOPS OF NEW BORN BABIES' HEADS DIPPED IN
GUINNESS. YOU CALL YOURSELVES THE IRISH REPUBLICAN
ARMY. WELL, WE ARE ALSO THE IRA--THE IRISH ROCK AND
ROLL ARMY. I KNOW THE IRISH TROUBLES. THEY ARE MUCH
LIKE THE AFRICAN TROUBLES--ONLY WHITE. AND WITHOUT
FEMALE CIRCUMCISION. ALTHOUGH SOME WOMEN HAVE
SAID THAT MAKING LOVE TO AN IRISHMAN IS A LITTLE AKIN
TO FEMALE CIRCUMCISION (CHARMING, SELF-EFFACING SMILE)
YOU GENTLEMEN EXCLUDED, OF COURSE. BUT YOU ARE IRISH,
I AM IRISH, PERHAPS WE CAN GET TOGETHER AND SING A FEW
BARS OF "I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR."
(SOUND OF TRIGGER BEING UNLOCKED) OR PERHAPS NOT JUST
YET.
BONO: I SEE THIS AS VERY SERIOUS AND I AM FLATTERED. LOOK
HERE'S THE DEAL--A U2 IPOD COMPLETE WITH FOURTEEN --
CATORCE, COUNT THEM) VERSIONS OF EVERY U2 SONG
RELEASED AND SEVERAL BONUS TRACKS. (LOOKS AT IRA'S
FACES) I SEE YOU ARE PLAYING HARDBALL HERE. ALL RIGHT,
2 IPODS, THE DELUXE EDITION OF HOW TO DISMANTLE AN
ATOMIC BOMB, AND THREE ORGANICALLY PRODUCED AT
FAIR TRADE WAGES BY SKILLED SOUTH AMERICANS AND
AFRICANS EDUN SHIRTS, THE COST OF THOSE THREE SHIRTS
ALONE WOULD FINANCE ANY OPERATION YOU WANTED;
HOWEVER, U2 CANNOT BE ASSOCIATED IN ANY WAY WITH
VIOLENCE, ALTHOUGH WE WERE INADVERTENTLY ASSOCIATED
WITH VIOLENCE DURING THE FIRST PRESALE OF THE VERTIGO
TOUR, BUT LARRY EXPLAINED ALL THAT. I TRUST YOU WOULD
WEAR THE THREE SHIRTS IN HEALTH AND PEACE.
(CAR STOPS AND BONO IS SHOVED OUT)
BONO: WAIT, I STILL HAVE A FEW HOURS... I'VE GOT THE EDUN
CATALOG RIGHT HERE. (SEARCHES POCKETS) SHIT, I'VE LOST
IT...ALI'LL KILL ME...YOU NEVER DID TELL ME ABOUT THE ORDER
OF SONGS ON THE ALBUM...MATES?....WHAT SONG SHOULD
WE OPEN WITH IN CONCERT?....WE NEVER DID DISCUSS THE
WORLD BANK THING.
(CAR PULLS AWAY SCREECHING)...........
(BONO EXITS A NORTH DUBLIN PUB AT 4 AM, WEARING SUNGLASSES, FOUR FOOT PLATFORM SHOES, AND CARRYING A HALF-FULL GLASS, ETCHED WITH "GUINESS, THE FAIR TRADE ALE" ON IT. HE IS QUICKLY SURROUNDED BY FOUR IRA TERRORISTS CARRYING GUNS, FACES COVERED.)
BONO: (SMILING) HELLO, I'M BONO.
IRA 1: GET INTO THE CAR.
BONO: REALLY, I'D LOVE TO, BUT I'VE SPENT THE PAST FOUR
DAYS IN THIS PUB AND IF I DON'T GO HOME NOW, I'LL BE
SLEEPING IN THE STREET LIKE A STRAY DOG AGAIN.
IRA 2: SHUT UP!!!
BONO: WILL YOU SETTLE FOR AN AUTOGRAPH?
IRA 3: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
BONO: OK. (HE GETS INTO THE BACK SEAT, SURROUNDED
RESPECTIVELY ON EACH SIDE BY IRA 3 AND 4.
BONO: THIS LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE HYBRID CARS. I SALUTE
YOU. YOU KNOW IT REALLY IS ONLY FAIR FOR US TO
CONSERVE ENERGY. DO YOU KNOW THE WESTERN WORLD
CONSUMES 75% OF THE WORLD'S ENERGY SUPPLY,
FEEDING ON THE OPPRESSED PEOPLE OF THE AFRICAN
WORLD.
IRA 1: SINCE WHEN DO AFRICAN NATIONS PRODUCE OIL?
BONO: EXACTLY. HOWEVER, THE WEST USES UP THE WORLD
ENERGY SUPPLY WHILE NEGLETING THE REAL NEEDS OF
IMPOVERISHED AFRICAN NATIONS, WHOSE PEOPLE ARE
DYING OF AIDS WHILE AN INDIFFERENT CIVILIZED WORLD
LOOKS ON. DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE SACRIFICE IT WOULD
TAKE FROM EACH PERSON TO BRING NEEDED SUPPLIES AND
MEDICINES TO THESE POOR PEOPLE. AND CONTRACEPTIVES.
THE GOD I BELIEVE IN IS NOT SHORT OF RUBBERS, MISTER.
IRA 1: DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU ARE HERE?
BONO: THAT'S AN INTERESTING PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION. AS
I WAS DISCUSSING WITH MY GOOD FRIENDS, SALMAN
RUSHDIE AND PARIS HILTON, I AM HOPING THAT I HAVE
BEEN PUT HERE TO DO SOME GOOD IN THIS WORLD. BUT
WHO CAN REALLY KNOW WHY WE ARE HERE FOR CERTAIN.
SOMETIMES THE BEST WE CAN DO IS TO FAKE IT.
IRA 1: I MEAN, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
BONO: I AM ASSUMING YOU ARE TAKING ME TO SOME WORLD
LEADER WHO HAS LOST MY CELL PHONE NUMBER.
IRA 2: WE ARE THE IRISH REPUBLICAN ARMY AND YOU HAVE
BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE.
BONO: I DO HAVE A PRIVATE CONCERT AND WINE TASTING FOR
AFRICAN DEBT RELIEF AT 8 TONIGHT. i WILL HAVE TO BE
BACK BY THEN. THE DEBT BURDEN ON THESE COUNTRIES IS
CRIPPLING. IT IS HEARTBREAKING, WHEN SO MANY
COUNTRIES WOULDN'T EVEN MISS THE MONEY. FOR THE
RICHEST COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD TO NOT FORGIVE THE
DEBT OF THE POOREST IS UNCONSCIENCEABLE.
IRA 1: SHUT UP!!!
BONO: LET ME TELL YOU (STERN SILENCE ON ALL SIDES) I
DON'T MEAN TO BUG YA. HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW ALBUM?
I THINK IT'S THE BEST THING WE'VE EVER DONE--ALTHOUGH
I'M NOT SURE OF THE ORDER OF IT. WHAT DID YOU THINK
ABOUT THE ORDER (LOOKS TROUBLED). I THINK PERHAPS
THE ORDER OF IT IS WRONG. (BRIGHTENS). BUT IT'S NOT
A CRAP ALBUM. WE STILL GOT SOME BREATHING ROOM. WE
DIDN'T USE UP ONE OF OUR CRAP ALBUM SLOTS. WE STILL
HAVE TWO LEFT BEFORE WE HAVE TO GIVE UP. DO YOU THINK
WE COME OFF AS TOO SERIOUS? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE
SONG ON THE ALBUM? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE U2 SONG OF
ALL TIME? COME ON NOW, DON'T BE SHY. I'VE GOT A TAPE
RIGHT HERE WITH ME (SEARCHES, HIS POCKETS, FINDS TAPE)
HERE. WHY DON'T YOU JUST POP IT IN? (IRA1 BREAKS TAPE.
BONO LOOKS WOUNDED)
BONO: I KNOW YOU THINK OF US AS RICH, PAMPERED, SPOILED
ROCK STARS WITH MASERATIS, DOZENS OF HOUSES ALL
AROUND THE WORLD, EXPENSIVE SUNGLASSES--WOULD YOU
LIKE TO TRY MINE ON? (IRA 3 SHAKES HIS HEAD WEARILY)
FATWA'D FOLLOWERS AND SUPERMODELS TO DO OUR EVERY
BIDDING. BUT TRULY WE ARE HUMBLED. 4 LADS FROM LIVER...
NORTH DUBLIN, OUR IRISH ROOTS SUNK IN DEEP, SMELLING
LIKE THE TOPS OF NEW BORN BABIES' HEADS DIPPED IN
GUINNESS. YOU CALL YOURSELVES THE IRISH REPUBLICAN
ARMY. WELL, WE ARE ALSO THE IRA--THE IRISH ROCK AND
ROLL ARMY. I KNOW THE IRISH TROUBLES. THEY ARE MUCH
LIKE THE AFRICAN TROUBLES--ONLY WHITE. AND WITHOUT
FEMALE CIRCUMCISION. ALTHOUGH SOME WOMEN HAVE
SAID THAT MAKING LOVE TO AN IRISHMAN IS A LITTLE AKIN
TO FEMALE CIRCUMCISION (CHARMING, SELF-EFFACING SMILE)
YOU GENTLEMEN EXCLUDED, OF COURSE. BUT YOU ARE IRISH,
I AM IRISH, PERHAPS WE CAN GET TOGETHER AND SING A FEW
BARS OF "I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR."
(SOUND OF TRIGGER BEING UNLOCKED) OR PERHAPS NOT JUST
YET.
BONO: I SEE THIS AS VERY SERIOUS AND I AM FLATTERED. LOOK
HERE'S THE DEAL--A U2 IPOD COMPLETE WITH FOURTEEN --
CATORCE, COUNT THEM) VERSIONS OF EVERY U2 SONG
RELEASED AND SEVERAL BONUS TRACKS. (LOOKS AT IRA'S
FACES) I SEE YOU ARE PLAYING HARDBALL HERE. ALL RIGHT,
2 IPODS, THE DELUXE EDITION OF HOW TO DISMANTLE AN
ATOMIC BOMB, AND THREE ORGANICALLY PRODUCED AT
FAIR TRADE WAGES BY SKILLED SOUTH AMERICANS AND
AFRICANS EDUN SHIRTS, THE COST OF THOSE THREE SHIRTS
ALONE WOULD FINANCE ANY OPERATION YOU WANTED;
HOWEVER, U2 CANNOT BE ASSOCIATED IN ANY WAY WITH
VIOLENCE, ALTHOUGH WE WERE INADVERTENTLY ASSOCIATED
WITH VIOLENCE DURING THE FIRST PRESALE OF THE VERTIGO
TOUR, BUT LARRY EXPLAINED ALL THAT. I TRUST YOU WOULD
WEAR THE THREE SHIRTS IN HEALTH AND PEACE.
(CAR STOPS AND BONO IS SHOVED OUT)
BONO: WAIT, I STILL HAVE A FEW HOURS... I'VE GOT THE EDUN
CATALOG RIGHT HERE. (SEARCHES POCKETS) SHIT, I'VE LOST
IT...ALI'LL KILL ME...YOU NEVER DID TELL ME ABOUT THE ORDER
OF SONGS ON THE ALBUM...MATES?....WHAT SONG SHOULD
WE OPEN WITH IN CONCERT?....WE NEVER DID DISCUSS THE
WORLD BANK THING.
(CAR PULLS AWAY SCREECHING)...........
Quite amusing...
