lardencelover
The Fly
This is a humor fic I wrote about... two or three years ago. I posted it up on fanfiction.net until they took it down after banning Real Person fiction. There's quite a few chapters and, if people like this one, I'll post up the other ones (even though I think they could all use some serious work). Hope you enjoy. Feedback and criticism welcome.
Enjoy. Or try to. Or pretend to.
Forgive any lack of italics. Rated PG for language. Lots of sillyness and poking fun of U2. Read with a sense of humor, please.
The Awesome Adventures of U2!
By Mandi K.
[shutyourmouth77@yahoo.com]
? 2001
Adventure One:
?I?d hate to see what the evil U2 acts like??
Prologue
Setting: [Edge?s Dublin House] Edge is sleeping quietly on the living room sofa. Last night, he came home from a hard day at the recording studio only to find that his two children, (cuddling close to their mother Morleigh), were filling his spot in his bed. Edge couldn?t bear to wake up and move his adorable little tykes and hadn?t felt much like sleeping in the empty, large guest rooms. So he had trucked himself, two pillows and a blanket down to the living room couch. He had fallen asleep watching a discovery channel special on owl droppings. Thus, the life of a rock star.
It?s still very early in the morning. The clock reads 4:07. A knock comes at the front door.
Edge: (Opening one eye) ?Argh? go away.?
The knocking continues.
Edge: (Pushing his blanket off and sitting up in his pajamas and beanie) ?Alright, alright??
Knocking gets louder.
Edge: (Getting off the couch and opening the door) ?Yes? Oh, Bono. What is it? What do you want? It?s a little late, but c?mon in? WHOA!!! You?re not-?
Someone unseen pulls Edge through the door and closes it behind him.
Morleigh comes to the top of the stairs, rubbing her eyes.
Morleigh: (Down to living room) ?Edge, honey, who is it?? (Walks down the stairs and looks into the living room, alarmed) ?Edge? Edge, where are you? EDGE??
Scene One
Setting: [Larry?s Dublin House] Larry?s alarm goes off loudly. Larry?s eyes flutter open, and he rubs them with his fingers. With a loud groan, he stretches, his unclothed, firm pectoral muscles rippling. He slaps his alarm off the table with one solid whack, sending the clock flying into his window, shattering it. Larry mumbles and rolls over, pulling the covers back up to his chin and sticking his thumb in his mouth. Suddenly, Bono bursts in his room.
Bono: (ripping Larry?s sheets off him and throwing a quizzical look at Larry) ?Do you always just wear briefs with little ducks on them to bed and nothing else??
Larry: (looking at Bono angrily and dazed) ?Only when Ann and the kids aren?t here. Gimme the blanket back! (Larry reaches for it, but Bono yanks it away)
Bono: ?Get up! We?ve got bigger problems than your cute little duckies!?
Larry: (irritably while wrapping his arms around himself to cover up) ?What?!?
Bono: ?Morleigh says Edge didn?t come home last night.?
Larry: (hopping out of bed and sprinting into his closet) ?Sure he did! He left when I did at one in the morning.?
Bono: ?Well, he ain?t there now! She called the police, but they can?t do anything until he?s been missing for more than 24 to 48 hours. And the police seemed hesitant to fuss about Edge?s absence. Something about rock stars doing this all the time.?
Larry: (scowling as he comes out of the closet. He zips up his jeans.) ?That?s a load of crap. Edge is a very responsible person. And he?s got a family!?
Bono: ?Yeah, well, we gotta go look for him, since the police won?t. Morleigh?s worried sick. It seems he musta come home for a while and left because he left pillows and a blanket on the couch. He also left his shoes!?
Larry: ?His shoes??
Bono: ?Yes? God help the world! He?s trying to stick up all of Dublin with those things.?
Larry nods in understanding, pulling on a shirt and following Bono out, grabbing jackets for himself and Bono on the way.
Scene Two
Setting: [Dublin Caf?] Adam is sitting alone by himself, a cup of strong black coffee in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. His is looking out the caf? window, which he is seated next to, and staring out into space. He seems perfectly content to be sitting there doing nothing. But he also seems edgy, as if Edge was going to storm in at any second and drag him painfully by the cigarette into the studio.
Bono and Larry are walking along the other side of the street, across from the caf?. Larry points at the window right as Adam sees them and tries to hide his face in a newspaper. It is, however, too late. Bono runs across the street, into traffic, and bursts into the caf? with car horns still blaring behind him and a very pale Larry following in tow.
Bono: (Sitting down at the table with Adam and pulling the newspaper down away from Adam?s sulking face) ?Hey Beautiful.?
Adam: (sighing and leaning back in his chair as Larry sits down next to him) ?I?m sorry?? (He then leans forward) ?Do I know you??
Bono: (Sarcastically) ?No, I just approach hot guys I see on the streets.?
Adam: (Grinning) ?You think I?m hot too??
Larry: (Making a funny face) ?What?d ya mean ?too?? How many girls approached you today??
Adam: (glancing down at a tally he was keeping on the corner of his newspaper) ?Uhm, slow day today. So far only twenty-one, but you know it IS still early.?
Larry?s face falls and he fidgets, disgruntled.
Larry: ?I don?t get it. I?M the cute one! Not YOU.?
Bono: ?He really is Adam. You should see the adorable little briefs he sleeps in when no one else is at his house? I think they?re Aaron?s now that I think about it. They were a bit tight??
Larry: (Interrupting) ?OKAY, so? we?ve lost Edge.?
Adam: (Raising an eyebrow) ?Sorry??
The next few responses come in a quick babble that only the three could possibly understand.
Bono: ?We lost Edge.?
Adam: ?Lost him??
Bono: ?Completely.?
Adam: ?You sure??
Larry: ?Pretty sure.?
Adam: ?I mean; there was that one time we thought we lost him but we?d just left him by the seals.?
Larry: ?Oh, yes, the time we went to the zoo.?
Bono: ?I love the zoo.?
Adam: ?Who doesn?t love the zoo??
Larry: ?Well, I don?t love the zoo.?
Adam: ?Well, you don?t like pineapples either, so what do you know??
Larry: ?It?s neither.?
Bono: ?No, it?s either.?
Adam: ?Well, he could be right? it could be neither.?
Bono: ?What does he know? He doesn?t even like pineapples!?
Adam: ?That?s true, you don?t like them, now do ya??
Larry: ?They give me blisters on my tongue.?
Bono: ?They make your tongue feel like a cat?s? all sandpapery.?
Adam: ?Yes, they do, but I kinda like it.?
Bono: ?Edge likes it.?
Larry: ?So where should we look for Edge??
All three pause to think, undaunted by the fact that it took them five minutes to get to the point.
Bono motions to a waitress.
Waitress: ?Yes??
Bono: ?Do you know who we are??
Waitress: ?Yes. You?re customers.?
Bono?s shoulders sink.
Waitress: ?Oh, and aren?t you in that band? U2? You guys are from here, aren?t you? Of course, I know who you are.?
Bono: (Grins) ?Then maybe you know what our guitarist looks like??
Waitress: (Nods) ?The Edge, isn?t it? Yes, I know him.?
Bono: ?Have you seen him??
Adam and Larry roll their eyes.
Adam: ?So THAT?S your plan? Go about Dublin asking every person you come across??
Bono: (Shrugging) ?Well, someone was bound to see him. I?m mean, he?s gotta stick out in pajamas, a beanie and slippers, hasn?t he??
Waitress: ?Well, anyway, I haven?t seen him in a couple days.?
Bono: ?Okay, thank you.?
Larry: (Grabbing waitress?s arm) ?Can you tell me? which one of us is cuter?? (Motions to himself and Adam, who slaps a dopey grin on his face)
Waitress: ?For the love of? okay, okay?? (She pats Larry?s shoulder as he pouts.) ?Well, you?re really great looking, but? I dunno?? (To Adam) ?You just have an air about you, don?t you??
Adam nods, a triumphant smirk on his face as the waitress walks away. Larry looks at her slack jawed as she walks away and then turns to Adam. His lip quivers and he bursts into a fit of tears. Bono puts an arm around Larry and shakes a finger at Adam, whom has a mischievous smile on his face.
Bono: ?You KNEW she was gonna say that and you let him do it anyway! Why are you so mean to him??
Adam: (Shrugs, waving his cigarette around) ?He?s the baby and I?m the big brother. It?s my job.?
Larry?s sobs only get louder.
Bono: (Looking around self-consciously) ?Larry? Larry? ummm, Lardence, mate? People are staring? could you stop now??
Larry looks up at Bono, tears glistening in his eyes. Then he goes back to sobbing, more obnoxious than before.
Bono: (Rubbing Larry?s shoulders in a comforting manner) ?Adam, you really are bad. You know he?s been scared of you ever since you told that whole gay bar Larry swung their way. They chased him around the rest of the night! His butt has never been pinched so much in his whole life!?
Adam snorts gleefully and Larry starts to cry shrilly, kicking his legs. Bono immediately begins to fidget.
Bono: ?Look what you?ve done! He?s going to have a tantrum now!?
Larry starts to wail, thrashing his arms around and pounding his feet on the floor.
Larry: ?WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!?
Bono and Adam bolt out of their seats, smiling apologetically at the people around them, and lift Larry up under his arms and drag him to the door, Larry kicking and screaming the whole way.
Bono: ?SEE? You tease and look what happens??
Adam: (He and Bono drop Larry on his butt on the side walk in front of the caf? as Larry?s tantrum continues) ?Jesus Christ!? (Grabs Larry?s face, squashing his cheeks together) ?STOP IT.?
Larry sniffles, rubbing his nose, and sticks his tongue out at Adam. Adam throws Larry a warning glance. Larry does a raspberry, spitting all over Adam?s face.
Bono: (Scolding Larry) ?Larry Joseph Mullen Junior!?
Larry flinches, his tongue snaps back in his mouth and he crouches down in fright and guilt.
Adam wipes his face, obviously used to this happening.
Adam: ?The full name always works, doesn?t it now??
Bono: ?That it does?? (To Larry) ?GET UP!?
Larry springs up to his feet, straightening his posture.
Bono: ?Now, both of you? we have to find Edge. Enough with the games!?
Adam: (Looking across the street at a pub hopefully) ?H-hey, Bono?? Could we maybe go for a pint of Guinness first? Please??
Bono looks like he wants to say yes, but knows he shouldn?t. Larry butts in.
Larry: ?Bono?s right. We have to look for Edge. No more wasting time, right Bono??
Bono is eyeing the pub and looks at Larry. Larry throws him a stern look and then Bono looks at Adam. Adam raises an eyebrow, as if challenging him. Bono gives in and bolts across the street, Adam running after him and Larry dragging his feet and taking his time to get across with the traffic.
[Two hours later?]
Bono stumbles out of the pub, his arm wrapped around the shoulders of an equally wobbly Adam. Larry is trailing behind, his head down and his hands in his jean pockets. Bono is swinging a beer bottle in his hand and singing The Monkees Theme. Adam is laughing uncontrollably, an open beer bottle also in his hand. However, unlike Bono, he has also horded several more unopened bottles into the pockets of his jacket.
Bono: (Very stupidly and extremely loud) ?Hey, hey we?re the Monkees? PEOPLE SAY WE MONKEY AROUND!!!?
Adam: ?Hee, hee? ha, ha, ha, ha!!!?
Larry: (Rolls eyes) ?We have to find Edge, you guys!?
Bono: (turning around and pointing at Larry with his beer bottle) ?You are right on, Daddy-O! We best find that slick partner before he becomes someone else?s pain in the arse!? (Slapping Adam?s shoulder) ?Hey, doggie? you ready to ramalama??
Adam: ?Heh, heh? ha, ha, ha, ha!?
Larry: (grabbing Bono?s shoulder and scowling at him) ?Will you guys get it together? I knew the pub was a bad idea. We wasted two whole hours!!?
Bono: (frowning, pushing Larry?s hand off his shoulder) ?Look, sullen Mullen? you?re jes pissed coz that sorry ass bartender wouldn?t serve you coz he wasn?t feelin? you were older than eighteen.?
Larry: (Logically and without a pause) ?I?ve been getting that all my life. Why would it tick me off now??
Adam: ?Hee, hee??
Bono: (To Adam) ?What the hell are you laughin? at??
Larry: (Sighs) ?We need to make up for lost time.?
Bono: (Hiccupping) ?Look Babydoll, you need to chill your bugged-out ass. Don?t have a spaz, Chaz.?
Larry: (raising an eyebrow) ?Who?s Chaz????
Bono: ?Time?s a-pissing away, cool cats! Let?s rock and roll!?
Bono runs down the street, Larry following close behind. Adam watches them panting and overexerting themselves for a moment and then flags down a cab.
Larry: (Panting loudly) ?Where are we going??
Bono: ?Listen, Pup? gotta follow my intuition??
Larry: ?WHAT intuition??
Bono: ?Me and Edge have a love stronger than anything else? I can feel him? the Guinness flows through my veins? I can smell his feet from here!?
Larry: (making a funny face) ?I?ve been meaning to talk to you about you two and your ?love?? and Edge and his feet??
Bono: ?Cool it, Kitten? he?s like a brother to me, not a cute second cousin.?
Larry: ?What????
Bono: ?Stop stressin? yourself, G? it?s not how you?re related, it?s if it?s legal. But you?re right on about the tootsies. That dog needs to get himself some overkill odor eaters.?
Larry glances at his watch, which reads 3:47 PM. Adam?s cab pulls up next to them, slowing down to follow them.
Adam: ?Hee, hee? so how?s the search going??
Larry: ?I don?t know where he?s taking us. He?s drunk off his ass.?
Bono: (Sounding offended at first) ?Drunk! DRUNK??? MY GOD!? (He whirls around, nearly smacking into Larry) ?That?s the biggest understatement I?ve heard since I said I talk too much!? (He continues to run down a street, and then takes a right at the corner, giggling, with Larry and Adam trailing)
Adam: ?I have an idea.?
Larry: ?BONO, will you SLOW DOWN??
Adam: ?I have an idea!?
Bono: (Ignoring Adam) ?Can?t slow down my high vibe, Babe. Get in the groove and move that itty-bitty booty! I?m on the trail of the trash!?
Adam: ?I HAVE AN IDEA.?
Larry & Bono: ?WHAT??
Adam: ?Why don?t you get in the cab and stop running around everywhere like a bunch of wankers??
Larry and Bono look at each other, a light dawning on them, and hop into the back of the cab next to Adam. The cab peels away, Bono shouting directions to the driver with his right leg still hanging out the door and a half full beer bottle smashing to the street behind them.
Bono: ?Whoops??
Larry pulls him in and the cab shoots down the street.
Scene Three
Setting: [Abandoned Warehouse] Edge is sulking, strapped to a chair in a large room of an abandoned warehouse. He shifts uncomfortably in the hard wooden chair and sighs to himself.
Edge: ?It couldn?t?ve been who I thought it was? why would they??
Suddenly a door opens and Bono, Larry and Adam walk in. However, they seem much different from their usual roles.
Larry is talking loudly and animatedly, gesturing wildly. He is sporting a tight red tee shirt with swooshy red jogging pants and red Nikes. Bono is quiet and subdued, wearing a red leather jacket with red slacks. Only his boots are black. Adam is scowling at Larry, whom, in his wild gesturing, is flicking ashes from his cigarette onto Adam. Adam is wearing red and black pants with a bright red baseball shirt and black jean jacket over it.
Larry: ?So, I said, how can you say that when there?s starving children in Ethiopia! What about the kids in America who AREN?T starving?? Make THEM starve too!?
Adam: (disgusted look on his face) ?God, how can you smoke those things? Cigarettes are gross!?
Larry: ?Oh, I love ?em? hey, whaddya guys say we go out for some nice juicy steak??
Edge: (under his breath) ?Adam despising cigarettes??? Larry wanting to eat meat??? Foul play is afoot!?
Adam: (To Edge) ?SO? Edge! Comfortable??
Edge: ?Of course not! What kind of joke is this? Bono let me out!?
Bono shakes his head silently, an angry look on his face. Larry smiles broadly.
Larry: (Putting a hand on his shoulder) ?Edge, Edge, Edge? why would we let you out? We just got you!?
Edge: (Looking at Bono) ?Bono, this isn?t funny anymore? you guys, let me up!?
Bono hangs in the back with his arms crossed. Larry?s obviously the one in charge of the situation, an uncharacteristic grin plastered on his face.
Larry: ?Tsk, tsk? you?re our best catch yet! We?re not letting you go so quickly.?
Edge: ?Who ARE you? You?re not the Larry I know!?
Larry: (A pleased smirk spreading across his face) ?You?re right. I?m not. WE?RE not. And you know why?? (Putting his face close to Edge?s) ?Coz we?re NOT the Larry, Adam and Bono you know? that you love. You see?? (Larry walks around Edge, his hands behind his back) ?We?re not U2? we?re U2?s evil twin.?
These words didn?t have the effect on Edge that Evil Larry had anticipated.
Edge: (Mildly) ?Uh-huh.?
Evil Larry: (Surprised) ?You don?t believe me??
Edge: ?How could you be our evil twin? One? you?re missing a double of me and two? you?d have to clone us coz we weren?t born with twins.?
Evil Larry: (Matter-of-factly) ?Do we, or do we not, look like Larry, Adam and Bono??
Edge: (Looking over them quickly, fear crossing his face) ?Hey! I know who you guys are! You?re U2?s evil twin!?
Evil Larry looks over at Evil Adam and Evil Bono with a quizzical look. Evil Bono rolls his eyes. Evil Adam shakes his head.
Evil Larry: (Calmly, but obviously bothered) ?I just SAID that.?
Edge: (Struggling uselessly in his binds) ?There?s no use denying it! I?ve figured you out!?
Evil Larry: (Getting upset) ?That?s coz we just TOLD you! We?re the same as you in looks, but we?re opposite of you as people!?
Edge: ?Give it up, I know! You?re the same as us in appearances, but your personalities are totally different from ours!?
Evil Larry looks astonished at Evil Adam.
Evil Larry: ?Considering that his clone will be the opposite of him, I?m assuming it?s gonna be VERY smart.?
Edge: ?Clone???
Evil Larry: ?Of course! We?re gonna clone you so our group is complete and then we?re gonna take over your fans, bad ass style!?
Evil Adam: ?We?re gonna be the biggest band in the world, not you, and we?re gonna push you right out of the picture! Under your name no less!?
Edge: ?Wait? how?d you get DNA from Larry, Adam and Bono??
Evil Larry: ?We don?t know? our master did that for us? but has now put us in charge of getting your DNA!?
Evil Adam pulls an empty needle out of his pocket and pops off the plastic tip, Edge letting out a squeal.
Edge: (Struggling in his constraints and in the process tangling up his pajama pants) ?NO, please! I hate needles!!!!?
Evil Adam: (Sinisterly) ?All the better!?
Suddenly the real Larry, Adam and Bono burst in. They stop dead in their tracks, Adam bashing into Larry and Bono bashing into Adam.
Edge: ?You guys! Help! Evil clones!?
Bono: (Still slightly drunk) (Sighs) ?AGAIN? I thought we already got rid of them!?
Adam: (shaking his head) (Whispering) ?No, Bono, that was Pearl Jam??
Bono: ?Oh??
Larry runs for it and lunges at the Evil Larry. Evil Larry and Larry are soon wrestling each other to the floor with loud grunts. Adam races up to Evil Adam, whom has his fists poised in the air to fight.
Bono glares in a stupor at his evil clone, which does not look impressed by him.
Bono: ?I?m WAY better looking than you!?
Evil Bono?s eyes squint at Bono, who gulps loudly.
All three are now fighting with their clones and Edge looks on helplessly. Then something comes to Edge.
Edge: ?You guys! They?re the opposite of you! What you love, they hate and what you are good at, they suck at!!!?
With that Bono immediately goes into action, ducking away from one of Evil Bono?s low punches.
Bono: (Singing) ?But I can?t help? falling in love with yoooooouuuuuu??
Evil Bono clutched his ears, screaming. Bono loves Elvis, so Evil Bono must hate him! Evil Bono collapses to the floor and changes into a wisp of purple smoke.
At the same time the idea hits Adam, who runs from Evil Adam and lights a cigarette as fast as his finger can whip it out, (which after more than half his life of smoking, is pretty damn fast). Evil Adam speeds after Adam. Adam turns around and blows a large puff of smoke in Evil Adam?s face. Evil Adam falls to the floor, hacking like Bono after a shot of tequila, and crumbles to a cloud of green powder.
Adam: (Raising his hand in the air defiantly) ?I have prevailed! Long live Sir Clayton!?
Everyone stops to stare at him and Adam shrugs innocently. The fighting continues.
Now Larry is the only one left. Bono and Adam run over to aid him.
Larry: (Lifting up a hand at them) (In broken ?baby? English) ?I?m a BIG BOY! I gonna do it all myself!?
Evil Larry stares at Larry viciously and Larry scrambles for a weak spot. Larry loves motorcycles, which meant Evil Larry hates them. But Larry had left his motorcycle at home. Then it hits Larry. Larry hates bullshit or brown-nosing of any kind whatsoever. Therefore, Evil Larry should hate the truth!
Larry: (Smiling brightly) ?You know, you?re my evil clone! You look just like me! You?re really good looking! You?re wearing red pants! You have an eyelash on your cheek! Under that you?re wearing ducky briefs-?
Evil Larry screams, his eyes watering and he collapses to his knees.
Evil Larry: ?NO! Not the truth!?
Larry: (Grinning even wider than before) ?You are REALLY hot! The girls love you! You get more fan mail than Bono does! You have blue eyes! You play drums in a rock band! You suck your thumb when you sleep-? (Larry stops, eyes wide open in embarrassment at the accidental leak of information and looks at the other three self-consciously) ?Oh? I mean? you DON?T suck your thumb when you sleep!?
At that lie, Evil Larry begins to stand up and regain strength.
Larry: (Frantically) ?ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!? (Sighs) (Reluctantly) ?You suck your thumb when you sleep.?
With one last groan, Evil Larry disappears in a puff of blue smoke.
Larry: ?YAY! I did it!!!?
Bono races to release Edge as Larry jumps up and down, shaking Adam?s jacket sleeve excitedly.
Larry: ?Did you see it, Adam? Did you see it??? Huh? Huh? Did ya? Did ya??
Adam: ?Yeah, I saw, I saw! Good job buddy.?
Bono and Edge walk up to them, Edge rubbing his wrists.
Bono: ?Well, all?s well that ends well? ?cept this headache I?m getting? ohhhhh, hangover time??
Edge: (Shaking head) ?No, we still have to figure out who their master is who made them. AND how he got the DNA from you three without you knowing.?
Adam: ?Yeah, but let?s worry about that later. You gotta go tell Morleigh and the kids that you?re okay.?
They all walk toward the exit and Bono throws an arm around Edge.
Bono: ?Yeah, I don?t understand it, but apparently she missed you!?
Edge: ?Yeah, I better go call? we?ve got lots to do.?
Adam: (nodding) ?Yeah, you call? me and Bono?ll take Larry to Thumb Suckers and Ducky Wearers Anonymous!?
Edge: ?Good ?ol TSDWA!?
Larry: (Immediately starting to cry) ?I?m NOT going! You can?t make me!?
Bono: ?ADAM! EDGE! DON?T TEASE HIM!?
Larry starts to wail again as Adam sucks his thumb jokingly at him.
Bono: ?ADAM!!!? (Sighs, rubbing his temples) ?Larry, I have a headache!?
Larry balls louder than ever.
Bono: (Annoyed) ?Lawrence??
Larry: ?NO!?
Bono: ?Joseph??
Larry: (hysterically) ?No, please!!!?
Bono: ?Mullen??
Larry: ?WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!?
Bono: ?JUNIOR!!!?
Larry dodges a smack from Bono and bolts out of the warehouse, Bono chasing after him and screaming at the top of his lungs.
Bono: ?LARRY JOSEPH MULL-?
Larry: ?NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!?
Larry squeals, covering his ears and sprinting off into the distance, Bono stumbling behind him.
Adam and Edge stare at the odd sight for a moment.
Adam: ?Hey, Edge.?
Edge: ?Yeah??
Adam: (Grinning at him) ?Everything?s back to normal!?
Edge: (Throwing an arm around him) ?Yeah? for now.?
To Be Continued...
Enjoy. Or try to. Or pretend to.
Forgive any lack of italics. Rated PG for language. Lots of sillyness and poking fun of U2. Read with a sense of humor, please.
The Awesome Adventures of U2!
By Mandi K.
[shutyourmouth77@yahoo.com]
? 2001
Adventure One:
?I?d hate to see what the evil U2 acts like??
Prologue
Setting: [Edge?s Dublin House] Edge is sleeping quietly on the living room sofa. Last night, he came home from a hard day at the recording studio only to find that his two children, (cuddling close to their mother Morleigh), were filling his spot in his bed. Edge couldn?t bear to wake up and move his adorable little tykes and hadn?t felt much like sleeping in the empty, large guest rooms. So he had trucked himself, two pillows and a blanket down to the living room couch. He had fallen asleep watching a discovery channel special on owl droppings. Thus, the life of a rock star.
It?s still very early in the morning. The clock reads 4:07. A knock comes at the front door.
Edge: (Opening one eye) ?Argh? go away.?
The knocking continues.
Edge: (Pushing his blanket off and sitting up in his pajamas and beanie) ?Alright, alright??
Knocking gets louder.
Edge: (Getting off the couch and opening the door) ?Yes? Oh, Bono. What is it? What do you want? It?s a little late, but c?mon in? WHOA!!! You?re not-?
Someone unseen pulls Edge through the door and closes it behind him.
Morleigh comes to the top of the stairs, rubbing her eyes.
Morleigh: (Down to living room) ?Edge, honey, who is it?? (Walks down the stairs and looks into the living room, alarmed) ?Edge? Edge, where are you? EDGE??
Scene One
Setting: [Larry?s Dublin House] Larry?s alarm goes off loudly. Larry?s eyes flutter open, and he rubs them with his fingers. With a loud groan, he stretches, his unclothed, firm pectoral muscles rippling. He slaps his alarm off the table with one solid whack, sending the clock flying into his window, shattering it. Larry mumbles and rolls over, pulling the covers back up to his chin and sticking his thumb in his mouth. Suddenly, Bono bursts in his room.
Bono: (ripping Larry?s sheets off him and throwing a quizzical look at Larry) ?Do you always just wear briefs with little ducks on them to bed and nothing else??
Larry: (looking at Bono angrily and dazed) ?Only when Ann and the kids aren?t here. Gimme the blanket back! (Larry reaches for it, but Bono yanks it away)
Bono: ?Get up! We?ve got bigger problems than your cute little duckies!?
Larry: (irritably while wrapping his arms around himself to cover up) ?What?!?
Bono: ?Morleigh says Edge didn?t come home last night.?
Larry: (hopping out of bed and sprinting into his closet) ?Sure he did! He left when I did at one in the morning.?
Bono: ?Well, he ain?t there now! She called the police, but they can?t do anything until he?s been missing for more than 24 to 48 hours. And the police seemed hesitant to fuss about Edge?s absence. Something about rock stars doing this all the time.?
Larry: (scowling as he comes out of the closet. He zips up his jeans.) ?That?s a load of crap. Edge is a very responsible person. And he?s got a family!?
Bono: ?Yeah, well, we gotta go look for him, since the police won?t. Morleigh?s worried sick. It seems he musta come home for a while and left because he left pillows and a blanket on the couch. He also left his shoes!?
Larry: ?His shoes??
Bono: ?Yes? God help the world! He?s trying to stick up all of Dublin with those things.?
Larry nods in understanding, pulling on a shirt and following Bono out, grabbing jackets for himself and Bono on the way.
Scene Two
Setting: [Dublin Caf?] Adam is sitting alone by himself, a cup of strong black coffee in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. His is looking out the caf? window, which he is seated next to, and staring out into space. He seems perfectly content to be sitting there doing nothing. But he also seems edgy, as if Edge was going to storm in at any second and drag him painfully by the cigarette into the studio.
Bono and Larry are walking along the other side of the street, across from the caf?. Larry points at the window right as Adam sees them and tries to hide his face in a newspaper. It is, however, too late. Bono runs across the street, into traffic, and bursts into the caf? with car horns still blaring behind him and a very pale Larry following in tow.
Bono: (Sitting down at the table with Adam and pulling the newspaper down away from Adam?s sulking face) ?Hey Beautiful.?
Adam: (sighing and leaning back in his chair as Larry sits down next to him) ?I?m sorry?? (He then leans forward) ?Do I know you??
Bono: (Sarcastically) ?No, I just approach hot guys I see on the streets.?
Adam: (Grinning) ?You think I?m hot too??
Larry: (Making a funny face) ?What?d ya mean ?too?? How many girls approached you today??
Adam: (glancing down at a tally he was keeping on the corner of his newspaper) ?Uhm, slow day today. So far only twenty-one, but you know it IS still early.?
Larry?s face falls and he fidgets, disgruntled.
Larry: ?I don?t get it. I?M the cute one! Not YOU.?
Bono: ?He really is Adam. You should see the adorable little briefs he sleeps in when no one else is at his house? I think they?re Aaron?s now that I think about it. They were a bit tight??
Larry: (Interrupting) ?OKAY, so? we?ve lost Edge.?
Adam: (Raising an eyebrow) ?Sorry??
The next few responses come in a quick babble that only the three could possibly understand.
Bono: ?We lost Edge.?
Adam: ?Lost him??
Bono: ?Completely.?
Adam: ?You sure??
Larry: ?Pretty sure.?
Adam: ?I mean; there was that one time we thought we lost him but we?d just left him by the seals.?
Larry: ?Oh, yes, the time we went to the zoo.?
Bono: ?I love the zoo.?
Adam: ?Who doesn?t love the zoo??
Larry: ?Well, I don?t love the zoo.?
Adam: ?Well, you don?t like pineapples either, so what do you know??
Larry: ?It?s neither.?
Bono: ?No, it?s either.?
Adam: ?Well, he could be right? it could be neither.?
Bono: ?What does he know? He doesn?t even like pineapples!?
Adam: ?That?s true, you don?t like them, now do ya??
Larry: ?They give me blisters on my tongue.?
Bono: ?They make your tongue feel like a cat?s? all sandpapery.?
Adam: ?Yes, they do, but I kinda like it.?
Bono: ?Edge likes it.?
Larry: ?So where should we look for Edge??
All three pause to think, undaunted by the fact that it took them five minutes to get to the point.
Bono motions to a waitress.
Waitress: ?Yes??
Bono: ?Do you know who we are??
Waitress: ?Yes. You?re customers.?
Bono?s shoulders sink.
Waitress: ?Oh, and aren?t you in that band? U2? You guys are from here, aren?t you? Of course, I know who you are.?
Bono: (Grins) ?Then maybe you know what our guitarist looks like??
Waitress: (Nods) ?The Edge, isn?t it? Yes, I know him.?
Bono: ?Have you seen him??
Adam and Larry roll their eyes.
Adam: ?So THAT?S your plan? Go about Dublin asking every person you come across??
Bono: (Shrugging) ?Well, someone was bound to see him. I?m mean, he?s gotta stick out in pajamas, a beanie and slippers, hasn?t he??
Waitress: ?Well, anyway, I haven?t seen him in a couple days.?
Bono: ?Okay, thank you.?
Larry: (Grabbing waitress?s arm) ?Can you tell me? which one of us is cuter?? (Motions to himself and Adam, who slaps a dopey grin on his face)
Waitress: ?For the love of? okay, okay?? (She pats Larry?s shoulder as he pouts.) ?Well, you?re really great looking, but? I dunno?? (To Adam) ?You just have an air about you, don?t you??
Adam nods, a triumphant smirk on his face as the waitress walks away. Larry looks at her slack jawed as she walks away and then turns to Adam. His lip quivers and he bursts into a fit of tears. Bono puts an arm around Larry and shakes a finger at Adam, whom has a mischievous smile on his face.
Bono: ?You KNEW she was gonna say that and you let him do it anyway! Why are you so mean to him??
Adam: (Shrugs, waving his cigarette around) ?He?s the baby and I?m the big brother. It?s my job.?
Larry?s sobs only get louder.
Bono: (Looking around self-consciously) ?Larry? Larry? ummm, Lardence, mate? People are staring? could you stop now??
Larry looks up at Bono, tears glistening in his eyes. Then he goes back to sobbing, more obnoxious than before.
Bono: (Rubbing Larry?s shoulders in a comforting manner) ?Adam, you really are bad. You know he?s been scared of you ever since you told that whole gay bar Larry swung their way. They chased him around the rest of the night! His butt has never been pinched so much in his whole life!?
Adam snorts gleefully and Larry starts to cry shrilly, kicking his legs. Bono immediately begins to fidget.
Bono: ?Look what you?ve done! He?s going to have a tantrum now!?
Larry starts to wail, thrashing his arms around and pounding his feet on the floor.
Larry: ?WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!?
Bono and Adam bolt out of their seats, smiling apologetically at the people around them, and lift Larry up under his arms and drag him to the door, Larry kicking and screaming the whole way.
Bono: ?SEE? You tease and look what happens??
Adam: (He and Bono drop Larry on his butt on the side walk in front of the caf? as Larry?s tantrum continues) ?Jesus Christ!? (Grabs Larry?s face, squashing his cheeks together) ?STOP IT.?
Larry sniffles, rubbing his nose, and sticks his tongue out at Adam. Adam throws Larry a warning glance. Larry does a raspberry, spitting all over Adam?s face.
Bono: (Scolding Larry) ?Larry Joseph Mullen Junior!?
Larry flinches, his tongue snaps back in his mouth and he crouches down in fright and guilt.
Adam wipes his face, obviously used to this happening.
Adam: ?The full name always works, doesn?t it now??
Bono: ?That it does?? (To Larry) ?GET UP!?
Larry springs up to his feet, straightening his posture.
Bono: ?Now, both of you? we have to find Edge. Enough with the games!?
Adam: (Looking across the street at a pub hopefully) ?H-hey, Bono?? Could we maybe go for a pint of Guinness first? Please??
Bono looks like he wants to say yes, but knows he shouldn?t. Larry butts in.
Larry: ?Bono?s right. We have to look for Edge. No more wasting time, right Bono??
Bono is eyeing the pub and looks at Larry. Larry throws him a stern look and then Bono looks at Adam. Adam raises an eyebrow, as if challenging him. Bono gives in and bolts across the street, Adam running after him and Larry dragging his feet and taking his time to get across with the traffic.
[Two hours later?]
Bono stumbles out of the pub, his arm wrapped around the shoulders of an equally wobbly Adam. Larry is trailing behind, his head down and his hands in his jean pockets. Bono is swinging a beer bottle in his hand and singing The Monkees Theme. Adam is laughing uncontrollably, an open beer bottle also in his hand. However, unlike Bono, he has also horded several more unopened bottles into the pockets of his jacket.
Bono: (Very stupidly and extremely loud) ?Hey, hey we?re the Monkees? PEOPLE SAY WE MONKEY AROUND!!!?
Adam: ?Hee, hee? ha, ha, ha, ha!!!?
Larry: (Rolls eyes) ?We have to find Edge, you guys!?
Bono: (turning around and pointing at Larry with his beer bottle) ?You are right on, Daddy-O! We best find that slick partner before he becomes someone else?s pain in the arse!? (Slapping Adam?s shoulder) ?Hey, doggie? you ready to ramalama??
Adam: ?Heh, heh? ha, ha, ha, ha!?
Larry: (grabbing Bono?s shoulder and scowling at him) ?Will you guys get it together? I knew the pub was a bad idea. We wasted two whole hours!!?
Bono: (frowning, pushing Larry?s hand off his shoulder) ?Look, sullen Mullen? you?re jes pissed coz that sorry ass bartender wouldn?t serve you coz he wasn?t feelin? you were older than eighteen.?
Larry: (Logically and without a pause) ?I?ve been getting that all my life. Why would it tick me off now??
Adam: ?Hee, hee??
Bono: (To Adam) ?What the hell are you laughin? at??
Larry: (Sighs) ?We need to make up for lost time.?
Bono: (Hiccupping) ?Look Babydoll, you need to chill your bugged-out ass. Don?t have a spaz, Chaz.?
Larry: (raising an eyebrow) ?Who?s Chaz????
Bono: ?Time?s a-pissing away, cool cats! Let?s rock and roll!?
Bono runs down the street, Larry following close behind. Adam watches them panting and overexerting themselves for a moment and then flags down a cab.
Larry: (Panting loudly) ?Where are we going??
Bono: ?Listen, Pup? gotta follow my intuition??
Larry: ?WHAT intuition??
Bono: ?Me and Edge have a love stronger than anything else? I can feel him? the Guinness flows through my veins? I can smell his feet from here!?
Larry: (making a funny face) ?I?ve been meaning to talk to you about you two and your ?love?? and Edge and his feet??
Bono: ?Cool it, Kitten? he?s like a brother to me, not a cute second cousin.?
Larry: ?What????
Bono: ?Stop stressin? yourself, G? it?s not how you?re related, it?s if it?s legal. But you?re right on about the tootsies. That dog needs to get himself some overkill odor eaters.?
Larry glances at his watch, which reads 3:47 PM. Adam?s cab pulls up next to them, slowing down to follow them.
Adam: ?Hee, hee? so how?s the search going??
Larry: ?I don?t know where he?s taking us. He?s drunk off his ass.?
Bono: (Sounding offended at first) ?Drunk! DRUNK??? MY GOD!? (He whirls around, nearly smacking into Larry) ?That?s the biggest understatement I?ve heard since I said I talk too much!? (He continues to run down a street, and then takes a right at the corner, giggling, with Larry and Adam trailing)
Adam: ?I have an idea.?
Larry: ?BONO, will you SLOW DOWN??
Adam: ?I have an idea!?
Bono: (Ignoring Adam) ?Can?t slow down my high vibe, Babe. Get in the groove and move that itty-bitty booty! I?m on the trail of the trash!?
Adam: ?I HAVE AN IDEA.?
Larry & Bono: ?WHAT??
Adam: ?Why don?t you get in the cab and stop running around everywhere like a bunch of wankers??
Larry and Bono look at each other, a light dawning on them, and hop into the back of the cab next to Adam. The cab peels away, Bono shouting directions to the driver with his right leg still hanging out the door and a half full beer bottle smashing to the street behind them.
Bono: ?Whoops??
Larry pulls him in and the cab shoots down the street.
Scene Three
Setting: [Abandoned Warehouse] Edge is sulking, strapped to a chair in a large room of an abandoned warehouse. He shifts uncomfortably in the hard wooden chair and sighs to himself.
Edge: ?It couldn?t?ve been who I thought it was? why would they??
Suddenly a door opens and Bono, Larry and Adam walk in. However, they seem much different from their usual roles.
Larry is talking loudly and animatedly, gesturing wildly. He is sporting a tight red tee shirt with swooshy red jogging pants and red Nikes. Bono is quiet and subdued, wearing a red leather jacket with red slacks. Only his boots are black. Adam is scowling at Larry, whom, in his wild gesturing, is flicking ashes from his cigarette onto Adam. Adam is wearing red and black pants with a bright red baseball shirt and black jean jacket over it.
Larry: ?So, I said, how can you say that when there?s starving children in Ethiopia! What about the kids in America who AREN?T starving?? Make THEM starve too!?
Adam: (disgusted look on his face) ?God, how can you smoke those things? Cigarettes are gross!?
Larry: ?Oh, I love ?em? hey, whaddya guys say we go out for some nice juicy steak??
Edge: (under his breath) ?Adam despising cigarettes??? Larry wanting to eat meat??? Foul play is afoot!?
Adam: (To Edge) ?SO? Edge! Comfortable??
Edge: ?Of course not! What kind of joke is this? Bono let me out!?
Bono shakes his head silently, an angry look on his face. Larry smiles broadly.
Larry: (Putting a hand on his shoulder) ?Edge, Edge, Edge? why would we let you out? We just got you!?
Edge: (Looking at Bono) ?Bono, this isn?t funny anymore? you guys, let me up!?
Bono hangs in the back with his arms crossed. Larry?s obviously the one in charge of the situation, an uncharacteristic grin plastered on his face.
Larry: ?Tsk, tsk? you?re our best catch yet! We?re not letting you go so quickly.?
Edge: ?Who ARE you? You?re not the Larry I know!?
Larry: (A pleased smirk spreading across his face) ?You?re right. I?m not. WE?RE not. And you know why?? (Putting his face close to Edge?s) ?Coz we?re NOT the Larry, Adam and Bono you know? that you love. You see?? (Larry walks around Edge, his hands behind his back) ?We?re not U2? we?re U2?s evil twin.?
These words didn?t have the effect on Edge that Evil Larry had anticipated.
Edge: (Mildly) ?Uh-huh.?
Evil Larry: (Surprised) ?You don?t believe me??
Edge: ?How could you be our evil twin? One? you?re missing a double of me and two? you?d have to clone us coz we weren?t born with twins.?
Evil Larry: (Matter-of-factly) ?Do we, or do we not, look like Larry, Adam and Bono??
Edge: (Looking over them quickly, fear crossing his face) ?Hey! I know who you guys are! You?re U2?s evil twin!?
Evil Larry looks over at Evil Adam and Evil Bono with a quizzical look. Evil Bono rolls his eyes. Evil Adam shakes his head.
Evil Larry: (Calmly, but obviously bothered) ?I just SAID that.?
Edge: (Struggling uselessly in his binds) ?There?s no use denying it! I?ve figured you out!?
Evil Larry: (Getting upset) ?That?s coz we just TOLD you! We?re the same as you in looks, but we?re opposite of you as people!?
Edge: ?Give it up, I know! You?re the same as us in appearances, but your personalities are totally different from ours!?
Evil Larry looks astonished at Evil Adam.
Evil Larry: ?Considering that his clone will be the opposite of him, I?m assuming it?s gonna be VERY smart.?
Edge: ?Clone???
Evil Larry: ?Of course! We?re gonna clone you so our group is complete and then we?re gonna take over your fans, bad ass style!?
Evil Adam: ?We?re gonna be the biggest band in the world, not you, and we?re gonna push you right out of the picture! Under your name no less!?
Edge: ?Wait? how?d you get DNA from Larry, Adam and Bono??
Evil Larry: ?We don?t know? our master did that for us? but has now put us in charge of getting your DNA!?
Evil Adam pulls an empty needle out of his pocket and pops off the plastic tip, Edge letting out a squeal.
Edge: (Struggling in his constraints and in the process tangling up his pajama pants) ?NO, please! I hate needles!!!!?
Evil Adam: (Sinisterly) ?All the better!?
Suddenly the real Larry, Adam and Bono burst in. They stop dead in their tracks, Adam bashing into Larry and Bono bashing into Adam.
Edge: ?You guys! Help! Evil clones!?
Bono: (Still slightly drunk) (Sighs) ?AGAIN? I thought we already got rid of them!?
Adam: (shaking his head) (Whispering) ?No, Bono, that was Pearl Jam??
Bono: ?Oh??
Larry runs for it and lunges at the Evil Larry. Evil Larry and Larry are soon wrestling each other to the floor with loud grunts. Adam races up to Evil Adam, whom has his fists poised in the air to fight.
Bono glares in a stupor at his evil clone, which does not look impressed by him.
Bono: ?I?m WAY better looking than you!?
Evil Bono?s eyes squint at Bono, who gulps loudly.
All three are now fighting with their clones and Edge looks on helplessly. Then something comes to Edge.
Edge: ?You guys! They?re the opposite of you! What you love, they hate and what you are good at, they suck at!!!?
With that Bono immediately goes into action, ducking away from one of Evil Bono?s low punches.
Bono: (Singing) ?But I can?t help? falling in love with yoooooouuuuuu??
Evil Bono clutched his ears, screaming. Bono loves Elvis, so Evil Bono must hate him! Evil Bono collapses to the floor and changes into a wisp of purple smoke.
At the same time the idea hits Adam, who runs from Evil Adam and lights a cigarette as fast as his finger can whip it out, (which after more than half his life of smoking, is pretty damn fast). Evil Adam speeds after Adam. Adam turns around and blows a large puff of smoke in Evil Adam?s face. Evil Adam falls to the floor, hacking like Bono after a shot of tequila, and crumbles to a cloud of green powder.
Adam: (Raising his hand in the air defiantly) ?I have prevailed! Long live Sir Clayton!?
Everyone stops to stare at him and Adam shrugs innocently. The fighting continues.
Now Larry is the only one left. Bono and Adam run over to aid him.
Larry: (Lifting up a hand at them) (In broken ?baby? English) ?I?m a BIG BOY! I gonna do it all myself!?
Evil Larry stares at Larry viciously and Larry scrambles for a weak spot. Larry loves motorcycles, which meant Evil Larry hates them. But Larry had left his motorcycle at home. Then it hits Larry. Larry hates bullshit or brown-nosing of any kind whatsoever. Therefore, Evil Larry should hate the truth!
Larry: (Smiling brightly) ?You know, you?re my evil clone! You look just like me! You?re really good looking! You?re wearing red pants! You have an eyelash on your cheek! Under that you?re wearing ducky briefs-?
Evil Larry screams, his eyes watering and he collapses to his knees.
Evil Larry: ?NO! Not the truth!?
Larry: (Grinning even wider than before) ?You are REALLY hot! The girls love you! You get more fan mail than Bono does! You have blue eyes! You play drums in a rock band! You suck your thumb when you sleep-? (Larry stops, eyes wide open in embarrassment at the accidental leak of information and looks at the other three self-consciously) ?Oh? I mean? you DON?T suck your thumb when you sleep!?
At that lie, Evil Larry begins to stand up and regain strength.
Larry: (Frantically) ?ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!? (Sighs) (Reluctantly) ?You suck your thumb when you sleep.?
With one last groan, Evil Larry disappears in a puff of blue smoke.
Larry: ?YAY! I did it!!!?
Bono races to release Edge as Larry jumps up and down, shaking Adam?s jacket sleeve excitedly.
Larry: ?Did you see it, Adam? Did you see it??? Huh? Huh? Did ya? Did ya??
Adam: ?Yeah, I saw, I saw! Good job buddy.?
Bono and Edge walk up to them, Edge rubbing his wrists.
Bono: ?Well, all?s well that ends well? ?cept this headache I?m getting? ohhhhh, hangover time??
Edge: (Shaking head) ?No, we still have to figure out who their master is who made them. AND how he got the DNA from you three without you knowing.?
Adam: ?Yeah, but let?s worry about that later. You gotta go tell Morleigh and the kids that you?re okay.?
They all walk toward the exit and Bono throws an arm around Edge.
Bono: ?Yeah, I don?t understand it, but apparently she missed you!?
Edge: ?Yeah, I better go call? we?ve got lots to do.?
Adam: (nodding) ?Yeah, you call? me and Bono?ll take Larry to Thumb Suckers and Ducky Wearers Anonymous!?
Edge: ?Good ?ol TSDWA!?
Larry: (Immediately starting to cry) ?I?m NOT going! You can?t make me!?
Bono: ?ADAM! EDGE! DON?T TEASE HIM!?
Larry starts to wail again as Adam sucks his thumb jokingly at him.
Bono: ?ADAM!!!? (Sighs, rubbing his temples) ?Larry, I have a headache!?
Larry balls louder than ever.
Bono: (Annoyed) ?Lawrence??
Larry: ?NO!?
Bono: ?Joseph??
Larry: (hysterically) ?No, please!!!?
Bono: ?Mullen??
Larry: ?WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!?
Bono: ?JUNIOR!!!?
Larry dodges a smack from Bono and bolts out of the warehouse, Bono chasing after him and screaming at the top of his lungs.
Bono: ?LARRY JOSEPH MULL-?
Larry: ?NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!?
Larry squeals, covering his ears and sprinting off into the distance, Bono stumbling behind him.
Adam and Edge stare at the odd sight for a moment.
Adam: ?Hey, Edge.?
Edge: ?Yeah??
Adam: (Grinning at him) ?Everything?s back to normal!?
Edge: (Throwing an arm around him) ?Yeah? for now.?
To Be Continued...
This cracks me up no matter how many times I read it.
