Should I have an Edgelett?

[Mrs. Edge]

Even though I posted this topic on Free Your Mind, this is also question for all the Pleba moms, and even those who don't have children. Please click on this link and weigh in with your opinion, it would mean a lot to me! (I need advice that comes from people my own age whom I respect who are NOT my family)!!!
http://forum.interference.com/u2feedback/Forum11/HTML/000897.html

By the way, am about half way through my next story. It's coming! I promise!

 

[U2Kitten]

I say go for it and the sooner the better. The longer you wait to have a kid the longer it will take them to grow up and the older you'll be! I think what most people fear about parenthood is the bottles/diapers/toddler stages. Well, the sooner they are born the sooner they will be an older kid, a more fun kid you can do things with and a real friend and member of the family.

 

[icelady]

Hey lady,

Well I'm a mother of 2 beautiful girls and have been married for 12 years. I had my first child when I was around your age now.

Reasons I guess there are alot of them. At the time we got married, which was older by those days standards - we already had our feet on the ground at least we thought. We were already self sufficient and supporting ourselves and knew what our goals were at the time.

I am very family oriented. I come from a larger family - my mom was french and had a very large family(19 brothers and sisters). I loved kids and when we got married although we agreed that kids were not immediate plans they were certainly something we both wanted.

Our decision, was pretty easy to make the first time anyway. As you get older and you see your firends around you developing and growing you see how fulfilling kids are to couples. At least that's what we were seeing. We kept putting it off due to financial restrictions. You know the old addage "kids are expensive..." argument is valid but only to a point.

Then we said to ourselves - wait a second. We could use this argument for ever and ever and if we did that then we would never have kids. You have to ask yourself "Is money any reason to wait" The fact of the matter is if you use that argument then no time would be the right time to have kids.

So we looked at it and said "Kids can bring something great into our lifes. We can give kids something special in return" Money is secondary. Don't use it as a crutch to weigh your decision. You just go with the times and you change your priorities.

After making the decision then you have to make it happen which for us was no small feat. We went through heartache - miscarriages and other things. Actually talked about adopting rather than having our own as we had such a hard time. After 2 years of trying and failing we gave up - then it happened one day!

Then came the question of the day - csection or natural? Argh that was hard and you will go through the same thoughts when you are ready.

After the first, the second one was different. You get used to having that extra little person around. They start to grow up and you start to get your life back(because you do lose the 'luxury' of the 'hop 'n' go' mentality. The reason why I had my second was 2-fold.
My mom got very sick when my first was born. And she went through 2 very bad years before she left his world. She came to me in a dream and ask me not to let my daughter grow up an "only" child. I'm not kidding. that got me to thinking about another initially. Then the more I thought the more we decided it would be nice to have another.

What was stopping us was having to go through the whole "needy" phase yet again. But then we were not planning for it and it happened and we were blessed again.

Answer: Never look back and look ahead and forward to the future.

Sorry didn't mean to babble but wehn you think back about what made you decide it's hard to put it into 1 sentence.

Good luck, I'm sure you will know when you are ready and when you are you'll have the greatest gift and your life will change for the better forever!



[This message has been edited by icelady (edited 12-10-2001).]

 

[Mullen-Girl]

Hmmm well girlie...I think that if you feel that you're ready that you should go for it...my mom had me when she was like uhh *ponders* 32 and she said that she was glad that she had me when she did cos if not she would have looked like my grandmother today (even tho she has like grey hairs and people sometimes ask me if she is my grandmother lmao)..she's like 53 or something..so I think the sooner the better girlie

*hugs* and you can name him/her PLEBA lmao

j/k

------------------
The U2 revolution has been reinstated.

THE Larry Mullen Jr. Page
http://www.geocities.com/kiti_regia/index.html

Meeting Larry:
*MG shows Larry poster*
*Larry reads poster*
*Larry smiles and says "Thank you that's very nice of you"*
*Larry signs paper, shakes MG's hand*
*MG almost dies then sees tearaway pants and gets bad ideas*

 

[HeartlandGirl]

Mrs. Edge,

I am only 25, but I am married and in a similar situation as you in terms of job, fun marriage, U2 and Edge obsession...

I feel the same way you do, very conflicted about if and when to have children. My family honestly thinks I will never have any, and I think they may be right. However, the reasons I have for not wanting children probably don't apply to you...am I going to get to a point here, or what?

Anyway, one of the reasons I haven't ever wanted children is the loss of my own freedom, aka being able to travel, go back to school, move around, etc. My younger sister, though, just had a baby in April and she has totally debunked this myth for me.

There are plenty of people who refuse to go out and do things after they have children. Some of my best friends are so boring now that they have kids because they never want to go do anything. It's not that they can't, they just won't. If we get together, I have to go see them, because they won't leave their own houses.

My sister Sara has led me to believe that this is total crap, however. If there is something she wants to do, her son goes along with her. When my parents drove from Oklahoma to Georgia to see me graduate (about a 20-23 hour drive), she wanted to come so she brought her son with her. Sure, it was trying at times, but she had fun, we took him to the beach, and it worked out well. Sara is also coming to visit me next week and she's bringing her son with her for the long trip. Although Sara is still in school, works, and has a kid, she has not let it slow her down at all. Very admirable, and she's still the fun person she's always been, willing to go out and do things. The only difference is, now someone else tags along. I think it has been really helpful for her son, too. He loves to be held by anyone and is used to riding in the car and being in new situations.

Anyway, my point is, a child doesn't have to slow you down to a standstill unless you let them. I can't think of one instance where Sara has not been able to go and do something because of her son. She either takes him with her or leaves him with a family member for a few hours (we all love to babysit for her!). No big deal. It almost makes me think I could handle it if the time comes.

Anyway, good luck with your decision. My parents had their children when they were in their early 20s. Now they are in their 40s, all the kids are out of the house, and they are having the best years of their marriage so far! Also know that I know several couples who have never had children and never will. They are very happy with their decision, so that's always an option too, no matter how much pressure others may put on you. Good luck! Hope my ramblings are helpful.

 

[icelady]

Heartland Girl,

What you say is very true. Your life doesn't have to end after children. I kind of think of them as an extra arm extension to myself. They go with you, they help you, they make you laugh, they make you cry, they sleep with you, they don't clean up after themselves - hey wait a sec - sounds like a husband

Can I just say that one of my daughters has taken up my interest in music and concerts. My husband hates em

She makes me take her to the silliest of shows but I take her and to see her enjoy herself I sort of see myself when I was younger( except now when I take her I wear earplugs!). It may sound lame but it's a wonderful feeling when you can give them something that they truly want and see the delight in their eyes - what can I say I'm an old sap I guess.

All in good fun!

 

[Discoteque]

Jess, I'll post over at the other link as well, but wow. Thanks for asking us, but this is a BIG decision.

I don't have kids - I don't WANT kids - I determined this for my own life years ago, but you have to determine: can you afford a child? (esp. after all the U2 stuff!!); this is a LIFELONG commitment, are you ready for it? (sometimes people forget that part - it doesn't stop at 18); does your lifestyle support having a child - will a child "fit in" to your lives? Do you have a good support system from friends/family, etc.?

This is the most monumental, and life changing decision you can possibly make - even moreso that finding a spouse...it will change your life in ways you can't even contemplate. Don't make the decision lightly (which I think ALL TOO MANY people do in world).

Whatever you do, DON'T have a child because you "think you should" or because you're being pressured in *any* way!!! I have many friends who were in both of these situations and tho they are loathe to admit it, they sometimes regret their reasons (I say sometimes - they wouldn't give their kids back for anything, of course)

You can get all the opinions you want from 'out there', but when it comes down to it, there are only TWO people who can make this decision, right???

I hope and pray that you and Steve make this most important decision with love and much contemplation! (((hugs))) And if it's any consolation...I think you would make an AWESOME Mommy!!!

Disco

 

[WildHonee]

If Mrs. Edge has a son.....I GOT DIBS!!!!!!!!!!! WOO!!!!!!!!

*ahem* I mean....I don't think I belong in this thread. But I have two neices and they are FUN. It changes how you see a lot of things when you have little kids around.

For example, I used to believe that abortion was OK if the baby was gonna be born into really extremely bad conditions, or if it was a rape or something; but watching these two kids grow up makes me think (even though their mom would have never had an abortion) 'what if they were NEVER born?' SO many things would be different. So I don't believe in abortion anymore.

But that was RANDOM!!!! The point is that kids are interesting, and it's fun to see them grow up, and they just *change* everything for you. These kids aren't even MINE and I know this anyway!

But it really depends on your financial situation and I think you'll just *know* if it's the right time to have them.

But when they're born you fall in love with them. Seriously. So be ready for that.

P.S. I still reserve your Edgelette.

------------------
~*Mona*~ 97% compatible with Bono
Love me, give me soul.

A little less circuitry,
a little more poetry.

"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

The Latin Americans have the sexy end[of Catholicism]~BonoBaby~

7:00pm Bono plays Tetris on Powerbook instead of writing lyrics.

 

[WildHoneyAlways]

Hey hon,
Well, I am 23 years old and I can not imagine having children. My boyfriend thinks I am absolutely insane but it is my feeling that I won't be a good mother. I think that is a decision that every one must make. Be honest with yourself, are you ready?
However, you shouldn't feel pressure to have children at a "young" age. You still have time!! My parents waited unitl they were 30 to start a family. I have a sister who is 21 and a brother who is 19. My mom said that they "lived it up" in their 20's b/c that is what they needed to do before commiting themselves to a child. I couldn't thank them more.
I can't imagine how scary this choice is. I am sure whatever you decide that it will be right for you and Mr. Edge. (not pestering family members)

Leah

[This message has been edited by WildHoneyAlways (edited 12-10-2001).]

 

[Veranda]

I really hate to see people delaying having kids because they say they 'can't afford it.' In most cases no one ever will be in the financial situation where they feel they CAN afford it by their standards. There will always be one more credit card to pay off, one more cruise to take, one more bigger house or living room set to buy, etc. I say jump in and go for it, and it will work out for the best. You can make room for the Edgelet if it means enough to you. One more thing to consider is that not everyone is the Queen or King of Fertility (like Bono and Ali and Edge and Morleigh- LOL!) and just because you start trying doesn't mean it's going to happen right away. It could take years just to get pregnant. Remember too that fertility decreases as we age ( except in the case of Bono and Edge of course!)

------------------
U2- The Unforgettable Fire still burns!

 

[WildHonee]

Originally posted by Veranda:
I really hate to see people delaying having kids because they say they 'can't afford it.'

That's true....we barely have any spare money but my parents managed to raise 4 kids. *sigh*

JUST HAVE AN EDGELETT!! Mona says so!!

------------------
~*Mona*~ 97% compatible with Bono
Love me, give me soul.

A little less circuitry,
a little more poetry.

"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

The Latin Americans have the sexy end[of Catholicism]~BonoBaby~

7:00pm Bono plays Tetris on Powerbook instead of writing lyrics.

 

[Crzy4Bono]

Hi - mom of 2 weighing in here.

I waited late to have my kids - I am not sure how old you are, but I was 33 when my first was born, and 37 with my second. I went through a lot of that postponing thing, wanting to travel, finish school, get started in my career, etc.

I would not trade my children for any experience or thing on this earth. They are a delight and a joy (and also a challenge, and anyone who tells you they aren't is fibbing...

) But there is nothing more fabulous than having a 2 year old touch your face and say "I love you mommy", or a 6 year old say "when I grow up I want to marry someone just like you."

Having children gives you a whole new view on the world. You see things you stopped seeing years ago. They bring you to experiences you long since left behind - flying kites, playing with clay, picking up bugs... You have an opportunity to help shape the world by raising them well, teaching them respect and peace and sending them on. Being a Mom is the most challenging and most rewarding job I have ever had. (sap alert... sap alert... lol)

And for the loss of freedom...
In the past twelve months, I have been to Ireland (twice), Hawaii, Las Vegas, and to seven U2 shows (including one oversease jaunt to Slane). This doesn't include any business trips - just holidays. Some with my husband, some without - some with the kids some without. I am able to do this because I have a strong, understanding and wonderfully supportive husband, and my family loves my kids and will take them in. You don't die when you have kids - you can still be yourself and do the things that matter to you if you are willing to put forth the effort to make it happen.

All that being said, I don't think you should have them if you don't really want them - a lot. But if you do, go for it. You will never be more rewarded.

Peace!

------------------
She's gonna dream up a world she wants to live in / She's gonna dream out loud.
Visit my web page at www.u2page.com

 

[madonna's child]

well, mrs. edge, clearly i'm not your age, i'm not a mother and won't be for sometime. (though i want to have children someday.) so, it would be in appropriate of me to give you advice. instead i'll tell you what my mommy has told me:

1. there will never be enough money. no matter how much money you save and how long you wait, your kids will always find a way to spend it! (trust me on this.)

2. no pregnancy is easy. having children later may make it harder, but as my mother has informed me many times- they don't call it labor for nothing.

3. your children will be your greatest nightmare and your greatest love.

kids aren't for everyone, but obviously there are women who are born to be mothers. follow your heart.


~Emily



[This message has been edited by madonna's child (edited 12-10-2001).]

 

[wildhoney22]

Mrs. Edge,

Now I'm still a teenager and I'm no mother (yet), but I am the oldest of a family of 5 children (2 of them are still in diapers!). Already, I have a lot of responsibility for my siblings, and they aren't even my children. There are (many) times when I am ready to go insane (I babysit them for at least an hour or 2 every day), and I know I am not the best caregiver in the world. There are times when I am ready to snap on all of them , and there are times when I have stuff I need to take care of or places I want to go, and my obligations to them seem to get in the way. As much as they can be pains in my Irish ass, I couldn't imagine life without them. I couldn't imagine not walking into the house and hearing 2 of them fight over something, seeing toys thrown across the living room floor, I couldn't imagine my house being empty, even though I wish it was at times. And there are times when I feel so lucky, like when my brother comes to me to tattle on his older sister, or when my baby sister sits on my lap and plays games, and when we sit on the couch and watch her sing and dance to the songs from Blue's Clues.

But they have taught me a lot about raising children already, and they have made me question if I am going to be a mother in my life, which is what you are doing right now. Obviously, you are putting a lot of thought into this, which you should be....

A person who wants to be mother (or a father) is willing to change their lives for one person (the child), and realize that once they have made this choice, there is no going back..... as much as my mother and I don't get along and as much as I say I hate her (a lot), I love and respect her more than any other person I know because she was young when she had me, and she gave up her future and what could have been amazing opportunities (school, a career) so she could have me and raise me. The fact that she kept me despite everything else she could have had makes me realize how loved I am (and which is why, like Mona, I don't believe in abortion).......

If you are willing to make this kind of a sacrifice for someone you love, who hasn't even been brought into this world yet, then you are ready to be a mother....

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*~*?*~*~ Katie ~*~*?*~*

I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me

[This message has been edited by wildhoney22 (edited 12-10-2001).]

 

[anitram]

Jess, I have no children, so I can't offer advice either way.

But I can offer free babysitting. And I live in the city.

 

[drumkeeran]

My response in Free Your Mind, mom of three wonderful U2 fanatics!!!

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If your glass house should crack....POE

 

[DML]

Okay, I'll put my two cents in...I'm only 18 and never would have thought that I wanted to have kids, until I worked in a day care for a year...working there, I had the most fun I ever had. Sure, I only worked there for two hours a day...but those kids, I loved them, and now that I'm not working there...I miss those little rugrats. Everyday they would cheer when I came in and it was a wonderful feeling. If I had to make a trip into the toddler room, those kids would all run over to me and hug me. As for delaying having kids, my father was 45 when he had me, and the other day, he came to me and said something, which I dont remember, for some reason, he said, "I hope to live at least another 20 years." That is something that you dont want to hear from your father, when you are young. And I know that my father isn't in the best of health, although he often says that having us, (I'm the youngest though) later in life has kept him younger. I don't know, I still don't think its such a great idea to delay having kids...I don't think its really fair to the children...

------------------
Dana

"I simulate love making by beating a piece of wood with a metal wire on which it vibrates."
-Adam, when asked, 'If a martian landed and was introduced to you and asked what you do, what would you say?'

IM me: ghettopoptart83

 

[senrab]

Kids are brats, Mrs. Edge. j/k

I did want to respond to something you said about raising a teenager in your 50's or 60's.

I am 20 years old; my mother is 62 and my father is 60. They got married late - they were in their mid-30's. (Well, that seems late to me, but to some people it isn't.) They wanted to have children so much that they really didn't care how old they were. My mother had a miscarriage, and then they discovered she probably wouldn't have children. So, my parents adopted me in 1981, and my sister (not biologically related but she's my sister) in 1983.

I never think of them as old. No, they didn't grow up in the '60s like the parents of my friends - so they have different stories to tell. But I love them for choosing to adopt. I think raising kids in their 50's and 60's have kept them young!

So, that is my perspective - from a child raised by older parents. Their age never hindered my upbringing in any way. I think they did an excellent job. They brought me up with - and to have - strong morals and values They have made sacrifices for myself and my sister all of our lives.

They put their entire selves into us.

 

[sparkys girl]

Wow Jess, there is alot to consider here.
I am 29 and have postponed an engagement to my b/f and constantly feel pressure to 'have a baby before it's too late'....the ususal comment i hear from family. i feel my mom should not bug me too much, she was 34 when she married (my dad was 28) and she had her first of 5 kids at 35 (and we were all born 2yrs apart)!
though, i love my b/f..i am worried about loss of freedom too and restrictions that come with such large commitments...i know i want to have children and be married one day, i just don't feel like i am ready for parenthood right now.

my advice is to follow your heart, you and your spouse should think this through carefully. don't have a child simply because you are feeling pressure (from yourself or your family & friends).
remember in the end, the decisions you make today will ultimately affect you and your spouse more than they will your friends and family.

------------------
sunlight, sunlight fills my room
it's sharp and it's clear
but nothing at all like the moon..."

*+*MaRiA*+*

 

[hippy]

My response is in Free Your Mind.
I'll just say one word from there though cause it's important to me: think adoption. It's a blessing.

------------------
One love, one life...
Give peace a chance!
Don't let the bastards grind you down!

Bono: I don't walk, I swagger! I sashayed once, but just once. It wasn't for me.

 

[senrab]

Being an adopted child is a blessing!

Originally posted by hippyactress:
My response is in Free Your Mind.
I'll just say one word from there though cause it's important to me: think adoption. It's a blessing.

 

[Mrs. Edge]

Mona, you are such a scream! ROTFL!!!!! I promise, my first born son is all yours. The hilarious thing is, if I had a boy right away, when he was 17 you'd be 34 and that's a younger age ratio than you are to Bono/Edge now!!!!

Originally posted by WildHonee:
If Mrs. Edge has a son.....I GOT DIBS!!!!!!!!!!! WOO!!!!!!!!

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to write such heartfelt and interesting comments! You really have provided me with so many new perspectives on this! I promise I will think this through very carefully and will not cave into pressure! My sister and brother were so good at not caving to pressure that they didn't have their kids until their 40s!

I agree with Madonna's Child and Veranda, there's no point really in making money a factor in this unless you are destitute. I just have to decide if I'm ready, and even if I'd be a suitable mother. At least I did spend my 20s having a wonderful time, so that helps matters.

Crzy, that cheers me up no end to see that you are still leading such a full and interesting life! And Heartland Girl, same thing about your sister. That's great!

senrab, I too am a product of older parents. My mom had me when she was 39! My parents are 70 and 73 respectively, and everyone always thought they were my grandparents. Having older parents can be wonderful, and they are often mellower. I'm just thinking that I'd like to be able to run around and travel again at that age.

FREE BABYSITTING? anitram, do you know what you are getting yourself into? I will hold you to that!

Anyway, thank you SO MUCH to ALL of you for your very sage advice, and you'll be the first to know when I have made a decision!

((((hugs to everyone in this thread!))))



[This message has been edited by Mrs. Edge (edited 12-11-2001).]

 

[Autumn454]

Bless you Mrs. Edge!

Hey are you ever going to write stories again? I miss them!

------------------
~We need new dreams tonight~

 

[Mrs. Edge]

Thank you, Autumn!

And yes, I am working on a story and will hopefully have it out soon. It's not for lack of wanting to, it's just that work has been absolutely INSANE lately, and everyone here knows I'm not much of a worker - it's that bad! It seems I've had something on every single night too. Tonight I have to represent the hospital at this lawyer's retirment dinner! Anyway, once I get through this crazy period, I should be back to my normal self. Thanks for asking!

Originally posted by Autumn454:
Bless you Mrs. Edge!

Hey are you ever going to write stories again? I miss them!

[This message has been edited by Mrs. Edge (edited 12-11-2001).]

 

[senrab]

LOL only one person ever thought my parents were my grandparents - they look young for their ages. My grandmother had my uncle when she was 41 (but she had the experience of giving birth 5 times prior to that...hehe)

senrab, I too am a product of older parents. My mom had me when she was 39! My parents are 70 and 73 respectively, and everyone always thought they were my grandparents. Having older parents can be wonderful, and they are often mellower. I'm just thinking that I'd like to be able to run around and travel again at that age.

][/B]

 

[WildHonee]

Originally posted by Mrs. Edge:
Mona, you are such a scream! ROTFL!!!!! I promise, my first born son is all yours. The hilarious thing is, if I had a boy right away, when he was 17 you'd be 34 and that's a younger age ratio than you are to Bono/Edge now!!!!

SSSSSSCCCCCOOOORRRRREEEE!!!

------------------
~*Mona*~ 97% compatible with Bono
Love me, give me soul.

A little less circuitry,
a little more poetry.

"For the good of the nation, you must defile Bono!" ~Echo~

The Latin Americans have the sexy end[of Catholicism]~BonoBaby~

7:00pm Bono plays Tetris on Powerbook instead of writing lyrics.

 

[GypsyHeartgirl]

I'm 40 and had my kids at 25 and 28. Of all the terrible mistakes I have made in my life this was NOT one of them! It was perfect. It's so great that they are at the age where they are growing up and they have parents who are not old and can still relate. I'm having a fantastic time with them, we are best friends and it's worked out wonderfully. My parents were over 40 when they had my kid brother but there were 3 of us older kids. I think that makes a difference, if you have older brothers and sisters it doesn't matter if your parents are older. (Like Bono's kids!) Personally I could not imagine being stuck with a screaming toddler the way I feel right now, it makes me so tired and hearing them in the store gets on my nerves. I am SO glad I went through that earlier and it's over! Of course if I did get pregnant I'd make room and love it.

------------------
"I've been all over,
and it's been all over me!"

[This message has been edited by GypsyHeartgirl (edited 12-16-2001).]

 

[ZooGrl]

Jess,
IMO, I think you should try to block out all the factors that make you want to have a child (ie feeling that it is "time" to have a baby and, to a lesser extent, your friend's pregnancy) and try to decide without these factors to cloud your vision. When you get down to it, as so many other people have said, having a child will change your life FOREVER. Not necessarily in a bad way, but it will be a completely different way of living. Even when your child has grown up you will have that different dynamic, they will still be a part of you. In any case, I think your reservations are an indication that maybe you should wait a bit longer to make the decision. Don't let your friend's pregnancy get in the way of what you truly want- yes, it definitely would be fun to go through it together, no doubt. But again, this isn't like deciding to go on a trip together, where you get off the plane and go home to life as it always was. And while you might feel it is time to have a child, it doesn't matter how old you are- if you aren't ready or it doesn't feel right, then don't do it. There are alternative options, adoption being one of them.
I think someone suggested taking a niece or nephew for the weekend to see how it would feel to take on the duties of motherhood. This is a good idea in terms of responsibility BUT remember that it is completely different from having your own child, primarily because regardless of how much you love your niece or nephew, you will love your child 100 times more, which will make the job a whole lot easier. But as I said before, if you're not ready, DON'T do it. Don't let pressure from ANYONE push you in one direction or the other, because that can definitely make for a bad decision. In our society there seems to come a time for women when they are "expected" to have children, I've seen my cousins (who are in their early thirties and don't have children) deal with it and it's becoming more apparent that they're not the only ones.
Anyway, that said and weigh the decisions carefully. Don't let anyone influence you, it must be your (and your husband's) decision as to whether you want to go through with this.
Hope this helps a bit...