Look but dont Touch

[elizabeth]

I guess this could go in "it's official" or "confessionals" but it feels safer here for me...because more plebans know me and will hopefully treat me with generosity and forgiveness.

here's why i need nice treatment.

i have a crush.

yes, a crush, and not on a rock star or movie star, on a "real" person who just so happens to be the friend of my husband. ACK.

it will go away soon, but right now it's TUFF. the dude is WAY cool. he's anti-consumerism, anti-corporate, plays the guitar, loves radiohead and had a dream about Bono giving him a lot of money to go out and "do good." he wants to be a writer ohmy and wants to read my writing! he spent 5 months touring around central america all on his own. he grew his hair out. it's slightly long, curly, attractive. he's intelligent. he's athletic. now that i think about it...he's like Ed.

i just need some time to get over this, right? and i'm not evil for feeling this way for a few days, right? it's natural, right?




and though i did bad things as a young woman, there is no way i'm jeopardizing things with ed. not a chance. ever. EVER.

but it's tough. right now i feel attracted to this guy and i want him to know what i think....but i don't want to DO anything about it...or for him to do anything...other than basically be flattered. I would feel even worse if he thought less of me for feeling like this. do people EVER understand when you feel different emotions for two people at the same time...and that those feelings don't detract from one another? does that make ANY sense?



hell, even if you dont know me and you wanna weigh in here with some kind of comment, even a CRITICAL comment reminding me to love the one i'm with and be glad for it because too many people out there have enough trouble loving one person let alone thinking they like a second...well, that's fair. I'll accept all comments humbly and with an open mind.

 

[flaming june]

Elizabeth

I don't have any first hand experience in these matters, but I do know and have talked to people who were going through a similar situation. I think it's quite normal... BUT, as your self chosen thread title suggests, everything is OK if you are sure that you can keep this from going beyond a crush. If you ask yourself this question and you're not so sure, maybe it would be best that you talked to your husband about it and let him know what you are feeling, so that he can have a choice. It's never OK to cheat on a person. It will hurt both you and him to be open and honest about what's going on, but it will hurt even more if something does happen and he feels cheated on.

Maybe I'm being more serious about this than the situation deserves... maybe it's just a passing crush, but just be careful.

 

[bonosloveslave]

Gosh, that's tough eliz

Uhhhh, as long as we're being honest, I had some strong temptations to reconnect with an old crush when I found out we were going to the same school about 3 years ago. And by reconnect, I just mean meeting up for coffee or something like that. It was all I could think about for awhile, trying to finagle a way for us to cross paths. But I knew I was playing with fire if I pursued it, and it took some time to get past it, but I have.

Part of me made excuses that it was just innocent, but I knew it was not a good idea when I thought, would I be comfortable telling my husband about seeing him again? I knew I wasn't, so I had to basically force myself to let it go.

Your situation is somewhat different since this guy is probably someone you see quite a bit. I guess I'd just think of it how I did - would you be comfortable saying what you want to say to him with your husband standing right there? If not, then it's probably a bad idea.

I know you'll do the right thing

 

[elizabeth]

I guess I'd just think of it how I did - would you be comfortable saying what you want to say to him with your husband standing right there? If not, then it's probably a bad idea.

I know you'll do the right thing

see...that is the advice and reminder i needed. would i say the same thing to him in front of Ed? no.

here's a good factor...the guy lives in Boston.
another good factor...he has morals and wouldn't encourage any stupid behavior.

i can rationalize my way out of this. i know why i'm having trouble with this...i've known the guy since i was a freshman in college. he's about 4 yrs older, so there's always been that "mystique." whenever we meet up, he's way cool.

he shows up at my house monday afternoon, tanned, lean, curly hair...exotic lifestyle and all....sorta took me off guard. he provided three very entertaining days...then left. so i think i'm not only missing him, but the surprise and excitement, the mystery and the danger. it's like....i'm a flirt-oholic. that's all it is. and soon the drama will wear away and i'll remember where my real heart lies....not the goofy thrill that is temporary.

RIGHT?!

 

[elizabeth]

Elizabeth
I think it's quite normal...

it is for me...but sometimes i wonder if it is for other people.

and don't you just WISH sometimes that you could live two lives???

or more???

 

[flaming june]

^ Well, I wish I had a life...

 

[elizabeth]

see, that is the other thing that makes me feel bad. here i am complaining when i should just be grateful for the things i do have.

i just need a few days to work this out. i need patience and time, like George Harrison said, to do it right.

 

[elizabeth]

ok, i haven't been completely honest. i do wonder what it would be like to BE with him. YEAH. I thought about it. Am thinking about it. Will think about it. Good thing the bastard's in boston, right girls!

 

[flaming june]

^

 

[hiphop]

see...that is the advice and reminder i needed. would i say the same thing to him in front of Ed? no.

here's a good factor...the guy lives in Boston.
another good factor...he has morals and wouldn't encourage any stupid behavior.

i can rationalize my way out of this. i know why i'm having trouble with this...i've known the guy since i was a freshman in college. he's about 4 yrs older, so there's always been that "mystique." whenever we meet up, he's way cool.

he shows up at my house monday afternoon, tanned, lean, curly hair...exotic lifestyle and all....sorta took me off guard. he provided three very entertaining days...then left. so i think i'm not only missing him, but the surprise and excitement, the mystery and the danger. it's like....i'm a flirt-oholic. that's all it is. and soon the drama will wear away and i'll remember where my real heart lies....not the goofy thrill that is temporary.

RIGHT?!

Right.

You know, he?s a friend of your husband. Things can get very complicated and full of hurt.

If I was in your place, I would not say A WORD to Ed. truth and stuff aside, those simply are things you should not talk about, because first, you don?t want to lose your husband, and second, you want him to continue to trust you.

If you show this attractive friend you have a crush on him, again you will risk that things turn sour. So I would suggest you also do not say a word to him.

I would suggest you simply stay strong. Anyway, you can live your emotions by thinking about him. Maybe you shouldn?t, but well, life has many temptations. Maybe the same will happen to Ed sometime.

I think plain thoughts are nothing to feel guilty about, you know... thoughts are free. Since you are married, your actions are not, or shouldn?t be, concerning this issue.

So, you know that this weird crush will fade out sooner or later. It is good this guy is far off.

If a married woman came to me to tell about her crush on me, I would be fine with having an affair, if she is attractive. I would not consider her for a serious relationship though. If she told me about her crush and was the girl of a good friend, no way.

So, enjoy your fantasies when you?re taking a bath or whatever, but do not go beyond that.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Oh boy..I probably don't have any right to give you advice, I've never been married.

But I understand what you are talking about. I think it's perfectly OK to develop "crush like " feelings on someone, and I think that includes your thoughts on what it would be like to be w/ him. It's a natural thing that happens to humans-it's the moral decision we make about these feelings that is the important thing. Those feelings can sometime temporarily cloud our judgment, but it doesn't seem like that has happened to you.

From what you have posted here, it looks like you have already made your decision. Seems to me you are very much in love w/ your husband, and that makes you very lucky. Hold on to those thoughts, and I'm sure it will all work out OK.

 

[elizabeth]

this is all correct, correct, correct of course.

and you know what else? writing it down and really forcing myself to admit to this makes it easier to get over. and having other people remind me (in a very generous way without judging) of my real priorities is RIGHT.

i don't think i will say a word to either of them. i kinda sorta may have hinted at something to the other guy but guys tend to be a little dense and he probably didn't pick up on any clues. i think i'm safe.

 

[madonna's child]

 

[Moonlit_Angel]

Oh boy..I probably don't have any right to give you advice, I've never been married.

But I understand what you are talking about. I think it's perfectly OK to develop "crush like " feelings on someone, and I think that includes your thoughts on what it would be like to be w/ him. It's a natural thing that happens to humans-it's the moral decision we make about these feelings that is the important thing. Those feelings can sometime temporarily cloud our judgment, but it doesn't seem like that has happened to you.

From what you have posted here, it looks like you have already made your decision. Seems to me you are very much in love w/ your husband, and that makes you very lucky. Hold on to those thoughts, and I'm sure it will all work out OK.

Exactly.

I agree with everyone else's responses in this thread as well.

I will say this, though-I don't blame you for finding him cool, Elizabeth...he sounds like the kind of guys I find myself going for. .

Angela

 

[souLnation2002]

I agree with the title of your thread. Look, but definatly dont touch. Make a list of reasons why you love your hubby.

 

[elizabeth]

thanks, girlfriend.

 

[elizabeth]

Make a list of reasons why you love your hubby.

good advice...i'm not sure i have enough paper in the house...

it's true, i do love him. and day by day my dumb crush ebbs away.

i'm getting over it!!! I know I am!!

 

[hiphop]

confession time.

elizabeth you may laugh your ass off now. same thing was happening to me right now - in the other position, so to say...

i was at a party yesterday and there was a very attractive girl. actually we liked each other, danced, talked a lot, nearly kissed.. a little, then she backed off, told me she had a boyfriend. not married, but 4 years together. anyway we contiued to talk and dance and play piano and nearly touch... and there was this incredible tension... she told me she wanted me but couldn?t, i said i understood... shit shit shit!

we were sleeping under the stars in a hammock together... but nothing happened except of being near.

oh i fell for her... but well, unlucky like always. tsah. anyway, i can understand her and its ok. but this tension...

i guess i?ll try to get her out of my mind.

why why why???

 

[elizabeth]

well now...hearing things from the other side is very interesting. i was thinking (while drinking) last night that i wanted to at least tell this guy how i felt in a casual lighthearted way and just see if he even had any small similar feeling. but now i see that it could come off as being...well....sort of "no point" and just a big tease. i don't want to be like that...i just want to know...

well hiphop...is there ever any chance of you seeing this girl again?

 

[bluephisto]

Ok, my two cents-

Don't say ANYTHING about this to Ed. It would just hurt him unnessecarily. It doesn't sound like you are going to do anything about it, and kudos on that! It's just I've been in relationships where someone has told me they're attracted to someone else and my response was to ask, "Well, what can I do about it?"

The answer: nothing.

Maybe take some time to remember why you married your husband and that this guy looks perfect right now because you're not close. Romance is created by the illusion of perfection, by the projection of one's needs onto another person. Yeah, he looks exotic now but I bet he picks his nose on the bus. Lol. You get what I mean, though.

Maybe taking some time to see why you're attracted to this guy is good, like not just "he's pretty" but really think about what ABOUT him attracts you. It sounds like being exotic and alternative and activist is what gets you the most ... maybe you just need more of THAT in you, in your life. Maybe things are a little routine and you feel like there are still things out there you need to do and try. Whatever it is, answer that need by changing YOUR life, talking to your hubby about travelling, or just deciding to do some activist work of your own.

You're a strong person to have stopped yourself and I think this thread is a great idea!

*HUG*

Bluey.

 

[elizabeth]

bluey, bluey, bluey...

you and some other people i have been talking to are really right.

it's an exoticism thing...an i-want-new-things-in-my-life thing.

i know it. i can talk about it. i just need to wait this out.

and you know what else would help? if the stupid crush guy would reply scathingly to my joking email...then i would have things taken care of once and for all!!

(i know that works for me to get rid of obsessive crushes because i once wrote this incredibly long letter to a celeb i had a crush on, and i asked a bunch of serious questions, told a lot, etc...i was so NAIVE...and rec'd two postcard sized photos in return. that was IT. boy did i stop watching all HIS movies. for a few years at least. so anyway the point is, if i get a nice, hearty rejection then all is well!!)

 

[hiphop]

well now...hearing things from the other side is very interesting. i was thinking (while drinking) last night that i wanted to at least tell this guy how i felt in a casual lighthearted way and just see if he even had any small similar feeling. but now i see that it could come off as being...well....sort of "no point" and just a big tease. i don't want to be like that...i just want to know...

well hiphop...is there ever any chance of you seeing this girl again?

I gave her my phone number so she can call me up if she wants to. I got her emailadress, but not her number, I thought it was better not to ask for it, since I would be tempted to call her up. Lets see if she calls me - but I do not think so. I don?t know if I will write her a mail.

I might see her on a 2 days jazz festival she is going to attend with her boyfriend. I better not meet that sucker. I will be with friends. Great, huh.

What do you think should I write her one of those pseudo-nice-not-very-caring emails saying "Hey just wanted to say hi it was very nice call me up whenever"... or maybe I simply shouldn?t waste time.

I know a boy a boy called trampoline you know what I mean I think I know what he wants I think I know what he wants

 

[Moonlit_Angel]

Maybe take some time to remember why you married your husband and that this guy looks perfect right now because you're not close. Romance is created by the illusion of perfection, by the projection of one's needs onto another person. Yeah, he looks exotic now but I bet he picks his nose on the bus. Lol. You get what I mean, though.

Ooh. Good point. . Very true.

Originally posted by bluephisto
Maybe taking some time to see why you're attracted to this guy is good, like not just "he's pretty" but really think about what ABOUT him attracts you. It sounds like being exotic and alternative and activist is what gets you the most ... maybe you just need more of THAT in you, in your life. Maybe things are a little routine and you feel like there are still things out there you need to do and try. Whatever it is, answer that need by changing YOUR life, talking to your hubby about travelling, or just deciding to do some activist work of your own.

Mmhm.

Hiphop, so sorry to hear that about the girl. . I know how it feels to like someone and then find out that they do have someone else in their life (or at least, from what you've heard, they have someone else in their life). It's frustrating. But perhaps someday things could turn around for the better. And even if romance between you two never blossoms, look at it this way, you'll have gained a good friend. .

*Sigh*

Love really does hurt sometimes, doesn't it?

Angela

 

[celia]

Hi, I know I dont know you but im new here and was interested with your story

I think this will happen to most people in their lives, This crush sounds like someone most people on here would be drawn to or inspired by...and I think soemtimes we get carried away with our feelings for someone when they seem so different and fresh.

I think the writing down why you love your husband is a good idea...

Glad your crush is fading out....it may seem like it never will at first but it really does..

Good luck

 

[najeena]

I think it does happen to most people, myself included. You have to take a deep breath and look to the future. Fantasy is a wonderful thing, but putting your marriage in jeopardy is a terrible, terrible risk.

 

[hiphop]

*Sigh*

Love really does hurt sometimes, doesn't it?

Angela

Thanks. Yes it does. Anyway ~ I risk to look like a fool for love, because I wrote her an email, just a few sentences, but deep... no mediocricity in my life.

well. whatever.

 

[elizabeth]

no mediocricity in my life.

ahhhh, hiphop...I believe you and i share the same addiction to drama and extremes. that's all my crush is, i know it. i just have to keep doing the day-to-day until i'm back to normal. and then something else will come along to spice up my life and i'll rant and rave about how i'm madly in love with whatever new thing comes along...

it's just my way of keeping my life interesting...complicated... SIGH!!!!! I'm such a goober.

it's funny how many people have told me they've felt this in one way or another...here in this thread, and then a friend from college told me the same thing...and that was a GUY, so at least it's not a gender thing.

i guess it is good to hear in the long run that many people go through this and come out ok. i KNOW i will come out ok because there is NO DAMN WAY i can live without ed. i just truly love the physical rush that is associated with this. you all know what i mean. it's that kind of feeling you only get with imagining and anticipating and wondering...there is a different kind of wonderful, lovely, warm feeling i get from ed...and that's the one that doesn't fade after a week or so.

 

[elizabeth]

well, folks, Oscar Wilde warned me. He said, "the very essence of romance is uncertainty." I should've listened!

My dumber side has been confirmed. My crush sent me a message by not sending me a message and instead sent a message to me and my husband. Now I know he has rec'd my stupid personal message, decided not to reply in reply, and my stupid wishful thoughts have disappeared like dew, warmed by the sun, until nothing is left but a faint mark.

damn.

now i know why they call it a crush.

 

[bonosloveslave]

You know this is for the best, right? (as cliche as that is )

 

[elizabeth]

I know but it SUCKS!!!!!

i wanted something...anything in response....anything's better than being ignored, right? A joking response could mean that he's flattered, thanks, let's be friends! and i'd be like "cool!" and probably get over it.

No response at all, in my mind, means "ok, back up weirdo stalker."

ok i'll be brave here. This is all my email said...and since email DOES NOT have a tone (despite grad professor's theories to the contrary) you can infer what you will. I read his emails from Central America (recall they were extremely witty) and said

"****. after reading all your emails from Central America, I can't decide if I love you or hate you. elizabeth."

i deleted his name because i'm a wussy.

now YOU tell ME....was that so horrible that it didn't warrant even a single line of response?@?!@ nothing?@!#$%?@#!$





P.S. I'm not the only one suffering here! everyone who reads this should send caring thoughts to those in REAL need.