I Need PLEBA Advice!!

[spinninghead77]

Thanks for everyon'e advice. I think that you guys are right about deciding what stuff is important. I don't really care if he throws his socks on the floor, because it isn't a big deal to pick them up for him. However, dirty dishes drive me craaaaazy!! I think that if I let him know how important that is too me then he will go out of his way to help!!

I am still interested in hearing what the married Pleban's think!!! So keep the advice coming......

Thanks!!

 

[BAW]

Married Pleban here! Make that married, neat freak, worse than Monica from Friends, Virgo Pleban here

Okay Spinny, I have good news and bad news for you.

The bad news is that a messy car is a sure sign of a messy person. The condition of a man's car is a pretty good indication of what his personal space looks like.

The good news is, he recognizes that he is a slob and has said he will try to work with you. That is half the battle right there. Some guys say, "I'm messy, you knew it when you moved in with me, deal with it".

Just plan on loosening up a little. Neat people tend to have control issues (I can say that because I am one of those people) and giving up a little control goes a long way in marriage/living together.

Leaving socks on the floor is okay but dirty dishes sitting around or garbage on the floor is not. Pick your battles wisely and everything should be fine.

Whatever you do though, don't expect him to change completely. If he did, then he wouldn't be the same guy you fell in love with

 

[martha]

Originally posted by spinninghead77:
if he throws his socks on the floor, ...it isn't a big deal to pick them up for him.

It WILL be. Don't get into the habit of picking up after him, because then you both expect you do continue doing it. Make it clear from the start that you will not be cleaning up after him. He must clean up his own messes.

Married 12 years, 14 of them happy!

Oh, and listen to sula. She knows best; she always does.



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She's a little lightheaded, so check on her in a few minutes -- my podiatrist, about me (again), 2-11-02

 

[joyfulgirl]

My concern would be that if he is that sloppy with his things, would he be that sloppy with you and the relationship? I have been involved with several men whose homes and cars were pigstyes and I learned the hard way that they could not take care of their possessions and they could not take care of relationships.

Maybe that's overanalyzing it, but it was a bitter pill I've finally swallowed and now I look for tidiness in my men--nothing obsessive because that's a whole other set of problems--but just general tidiness and respect for space and things.

On the other hand, maybe you're just the woman he could get it together for. You have, after all, been together for 5 years so you probably know him pretty well. A compromise might be that when you move in together you each have your own space so he can trash his and shut the door while keeping the rest of your home together neat. This arrangement works very well for some friends of mine. Just something to think about. Good luck.

 

[joyfulgirl]

Originally posted by martha:
It WILL be. Don't get into the habit of picking up after him, because then you both expect you do continue doing it. Make it clear from the start that you will not be cleaning up after him. He must clean up his own messes.

Married 12 years, 14 of them happy!

Oh, and listen to sula. She knows best; she always does.

Gotta agree--you want to be his equal partner, not his maid.

 

[spinninghead77]

I still think that I will give it a shot. I totally understand what you are all saying, but I really want to try to make a life together work. I am a tidy person, and I take joy in cleaning. I don't mind if I do more of the cleaning, if he does more of other things, and things are still fair. He is a much better cook then me so that can be our trade off. Over 5 years he has gotten better, and hopefully you can only go up

Thanks for your advice everyone. Wish me luck

 

[joyfulgirl]

Originally posted by spinninghead77:
I still think that I will give it a shot. I totally understand what you are all saying, but I really want to try to make a life together work. I am a tidy person, and I take joy in cleaning. I don't mind if I do more of the cleaning, if he does more of other things, and things are still fair. He is a much better cook then me so that can be our trade off. Over 5 years he has gotten better, and hopefully you can only go up

Thanks for your advice everyone. Wish me luck

That's important--that you're both contributing equally. I approve of this plan.

 

[BAW]

Originally posted by spinninghead77:
I still think that I will give it a shot. I totally understand what you are all saying, but I really want to try to make a life together work. I am a tidy person, and I take joy in cleaning. I don't mind if I do more of the cleaning, if he does more of other things, and things are still fair. He is a much better cook then me so that can be our trade off. Over 5 years he has gotten better, and hopefully you can only go up

Thanks for your advice everyone. Wish me luck

You've got the right attitude Spinny. I've been married for almost 7 years and we lived together for 5 years before that and I do ALL of the cleaning. But, my husband puts gas in my car, does the laundry, does most of the driving, runs my errands for me, listens to U2 24/7 without complaining and even takes the kids shopping for school clothes. Believe me, I don't mind picking up after him. I really enjoy cleaning and would rather do it myself. For me personally, socks on the floor are pretty trivial. We have a balance that works for us and I think you and your boyfriend will be happy if you find your own balance. I wish you the best of luck

[This message has been edited by Bono's American Wife (edited 03-08-2002).]

 

[martha]

Originally posted by spinninghead77:
I take joy in cleaning.

If this relationship doesn't work out, you can move in with me!

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She's a little lightheaded, so check on her in a few minutes -- my podiatrist, about me (again), 2-11-02

 

[daisybean]

Spinny, it sounds like you can really make this work. Mostly because you and your guy want to make it work and that is half the battle.

However, I do agree with some of the sentiments that you would become his "maid." But then again, I don't know what your guy is like, you are the best judge of that. After five years, You better know what type of guy he is

Just don't ever let anyone feel like you are less than what you are. Don't let anyone take for granted the things you do for them.

I wish you the best of luck

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Daisy

Uncertainty...it can be a guiding light

AIM: daisyone75

 

[spinninghead77]

As you saw in my topic I need advise. I know that this isn't about U2 but I consider you guys my friends, and I feel that I can talk to you about this without the bias that most of the people in my 'other' life would have!!

As many of you know, my boyfriend and I are planning on moving in together. We have talked about this for over a year, and have been together for more then five. He is a wonderful man, will be a great father, and I love him a lot. There is only one problem. He is a total slob!! In fact, his whole family is. They leave dirty dishes lying around and dirty clothes lying on the the floor. Junk doesn't normally make it to the garbage, and dishes don't get washed until they are needed again. I, on the other hand, am a very, very neat person. (I relate to Monica on friends. Alot.)I keep my cd's in alphabetical order, and seperate my clothes in the closet.

I have talked to him about my concerns, and he keeps telling me that he will be cleaner when he doesn't live at home. I want to belive him, but the fact that his bedroom floor is covered with junk, and his car is a pigsty tell me otherwise. He tells me that his older brother was a slob when he lived at home too, but became much neater when he moved in with his fiance. He also tells me that since he will be living with me he has too much respect for me and my stuff to make a mess.

Do you think that it is possible for him to change??? I know that I am going to have to teach him to be clean, but do you think that this is one of those 'can't teach an old dog new tricks' things???

Any advice would be great!!! Thanks everyone

!!

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***Spinny***
"OH, SINNY- er,um- SPINNY!" (freudian slip?)-JulyFly

"Here I go and I don't know why
I spin so ceaselessly
Could it be he's taken over me????"

 

[madonna's child]

Give him a chance. If he is really dedicated to you, he'll learn to change his ways.

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The Irish been coming here for years. Feels like they own the place.

All That You Can't Leave Behind is my album of the year!

Love,
Emily

Visit my webpage for U2 wallpapers:
www.geocities.com/springtime5348/index.html

 

[bono-vox]

u 2 love each other- who cares a bout a lil bit of mess- its the love thats important

 

[sulawesigirl4]

If you're truly in love and committed to him, then I don't see why it should stop you. However, I would caution against expecting to see change from him. If it's something that is really going to bug you to the point of not being able to be together, then you may want to reconsider. People can change...but if we hang our hopes on it happening, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.

True life experience...my mom and dad are opposites on the neat/messy thing. My mom is a neat freak, and my dad (while not a slob) is definitely a scatter-brain and leaves things all over the place...driving my mom nuts. Over their 23 years of marriage he has gotten more aware and better at picking up after himself, but he isn't neat. He's not a "totally different" person. He has learned to be more sensitive to my mom's need for clean and my mom has learned to cut him slack, but it's still a tension spot and probably always will be for them.

So yeah...dunno if that's actually advice or not, but take it for what it's worth.

-sula

 

[Julyfly]

Hey girlfriend! Hmmmm, this is important since you guys would be living together & if he slips back into his old habits, it could cause many arguments. SO, give him the benefit of the doubt & let him prove to you that he's willing to make changes. If not, make a schedule for him to stick to!
Good Luck!

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"... move on this moment... follow this feeling"
~* PLEBA-girl powers: ELEVATE!!! *~
** Official Minister of Swagger for L.E.A.T.H.E.R. **

 

[Bbug]

Hmm. I've never had a serious boyfriend before, but I had roomies once, and what we did was make up a (small) list of things that REALLY bother us, and tried not to step on each others' toes. My things were like, no dirty dishes left on the table all day (yes, they did this...) and no one can touch my coffee cup (beebs is territorial about that.)
Getting to the point, why don't you try and agree on one or two specific things that each of you will do for the other one. For you, he might have to make sure he gets the dishes cleaned up right after using them. For him, you might have to do something else, like, well, I have no clue. I dunno if it'll help, but it might be easier with specific things than expecting him to become organized and neat overnight, which he probably won't be able to do, especially if he's only thinking in vague terms...okay, I will now shut up

 

[MissZooropa]

I don't want to sound boring here but watch out. He might better himself, a little, but there is no way he's gonna change.
The hope is that you both love each other and that might make it easier for both of you to compromise.

When I was still together with my ex we simply told each other what we really couldn't stand and made each other not to do that, like one for one. It was easier to remember because if I broke my promise I just had to accept that he broke his and since I couldn't stand that, I kept my promise.

Some things though are just unchangeable. I'm talking out of experience, finance is one. Even thought my ex almost gets 50% more then me out on the paycheck, he had no money left when it was one week left till next pay, and it was really, really frustrating. Do I have to say that he's the one borrowing money from me still today even if I have less pay AND a horse, he has nothing.

Oki, enough of bad talk. I think if you just are honest and clear about what you think and what you expect from him, and tolerate what he's expecting from you I think it will work out just fine.