why did it have to be me? why couldn?t he pick someone else, anyone else here in this throng of crushing bodies? nothing about me stands out as particularly special, nothing is notable, nothing shines. it should have been one of the beautiful ones, one of the tall, thin, lithe, taut, barely covered ones. one to whom this would have been but a passing fancy. but he passed them by. he stopped before me. my life ended the moment he extended his hand to take mine.
i never considered the possibility of this evening?s events when i staked my place at the tip of the heart. i never weighed the risks, i assumed i was invisible. i wanted to meld into the music, to lose thought of all that outside the confines of this makeshift temple.
the surge intensified with each step he took towards the tip. the crowd behind me gathered with a force i hadn?t considered when i chose to stand at the tip. every soul on the floor reached to touch him, this man who seemed oblivious to the blind adoration of this mass. each push toward the heart left me gasping for breath, struggling to regain my stance. it became so strong that i found myself praying he would turn back, turn back to the stage and let me breathe. when he strayed to the tip and mounted himself on the small ledge that let him so near to us, i could feel the bones of my body tighten with the push of so many behind me. i stood compacted, gripping the rail with one hand, and supporting his thigh with the other, vacillating between fears of losing consciousness and seeing him topple into the hungry throng. he reached out into us, touching as many as possible before the chorus ended and the next verse demanded his removal from that narrow perch. as the wave of bodies rescinded, i fought to breathe, and was reeling from the proximity of him seconds before, when i felt the hand clutching mine, thrusting into it an open bottle of water, the water he had sipped only seconds before as he made his way up around the heart. i sucked it greedily, not caring whom it had previously sustained. i needed it to remain conscious. security has always been good to us.
as song after song poured forth, the energy inside and around the heart swelled to a cannibalistic fever, the band feeding off the electricity we poured forth as we sucked theirs from the stage. the cycle felt unbreakable, yet all knew it would come to a close soon. as the chiming of the song began, everyone knew without a doubt what his next course of action would be. he prowled slowly around the curvature of the ramp, eyes closed, face drenched with the evening?s exertion. as he peeled the jacket from his limbs on his way toward the tip, a sea of arms reached out to grasp him. he sauntered on, his mission clear, the quest begun. seconds before the vocals began, i found myself trembling as he crouched before me at the tip. the crush from behind had rolled towards him again, and i was suffocating beneath the wave of arms and torsos that were trying to establish contact with him. he panned the crowd, searching eyes and holding hands, not yet finding that which he sought. i could feel myself losing my footing, slipping from the position i?d stood in for hours as the unrelenting surge continued. as my legs buckled beneath me, i felt the pull from above. he was pointing at me from the tip, and two members of the black-clad security were pulling me from the midst of my fall. i was lifted over the railing, out of the crowd, and deposited in a heap at his feet.
afraid to open my eyes, for fear i?d imagined this whole scenario, i stood. i was jolted into the reality of it as i felt his arms encircle me. he had begun to sing, and despite the fact that i knew them by rote, i could make out no words within his melody. this voice, a voice i recognized better than my own, a voice i?d often thought could have been my own, now fell into my ears on his warm breath. gingerly, i reached behind him, my arms coming to rest on the damp cloth at the small of his back. i was helpless to stop the shivers coursing through me, completely unable to control my shuddering frame. i could feel his body stiffen in an attempt to keep me from shaking so. he held the mic away from his mouth and whispered, ?breathe? into my ear. this was the single most incredible and terrifying thing i had ever experienced. i had never intended to find myself wrapped around him, inhaling his aroma, feeling his breath. this was impossible, this absolutely could not be happening. who was i to deserve this luxury, this decadent opportunity? before i had time to ponder the answers to such questions, his head was buried in my neck. this was too much. his wet hair matted into mine, he swayed along to the bass. i let my hands travel cautiously up his back, gripping his shoulders before slipping back down to the waist of his pants. i could feel him reciprocate the touch, gently kneading the flesh at my waist. instinctively, i let my face fall into his chest and smothered myself in his scent. i lifted my head to his neck and let my lips graze the skin there which was becoming moistened with my tears. i could not stop myself from tasting him, and as my tongue gently lapped the pool between his shoulder and his neck and i drank him in, i felt him tighten his grip about me. he pushed me away with one hand, keeping the other at my hip, and knelt before me, pulling me down with him. as soon as i hit the ground, his head was in my lap. my small hands were tangled in his dark hair as he broke into the second verse. this was all happening so naturally, no doubt because it happened for him every night. he knew exactly how to orchestrate this endeavour, he knew every move to make in order to choreograph this dance to his designs. it felt chaotic to me, though, sitting there on that ramp, cradling his head on my thighs. i fought hard to let it happen, to just let myself break away from thought and go along with his intentions, but i could not keep my mind from reeling and trying to reason through this. i wrangled the fear that seemed to seep through my pores, and tried to concentrate all efforts into maintaining an awareness of and enjoying his presence. i ran my fingers along the line of his jaw, over the scarred cleft of his chin, and he lifted his head from my legs. he stretched his length along the ramp, and pulled me down alongside him. this isn?t real, this isn?t real, this isn?t real. how many times had i imagined this scenario? how often had i longed for precisely that which was laid before me now? i could feel a knot of fear rise in my belly, lodge in my throat. there was no stopping the deluge of tears now. he reached up and coiled a thick hand around the back of my neck, and i found myself lying on his solid chest, weeping for the loss of that i would never really have. a feeling of violation gnawed at me, a burning jealousy that so many others were privy to that which i longed to experience only in private. conflicting emotions swirled in my heart, and i struggled to push them aside, to let myself be nothing but a vessel into which he could pour this performance.
it was only at the song?s end that i regained a measure of composure and could look him in the eyes. i was certain i would find shame there, but his blue eyes pierced me with an incorrigible grin, and i knew i had not failed him. he stood and lifted me up with him, a pair still entwined in a warm embrace. we parted and i took his hand in both of mine, kissed his palms and fingertips and let him go. once more he pulled me into him. my soul orbited him as his lips rested on my forehead. eyes closed, he turned to leave. i fell into a pile at the tip of the heart. i could feel security grasping me roughly, trying to remove the remnants of the last song before the next one fully broke. i lost consciousness before i was fully into my original position on the floor. the unexpected immediate proximity was overwhelming and the sudden break in the union was too, too much to bear. all thought finally left me as i hit the ground, and sensation drifted slowly away. ?breathe!? i could make out voices swimming towards me through the gathering darkness. ?just breathe!? but it was already too late. it was too much. it was not enough.
i never considered the possibility of this evening?s events when i staked my place at the tip of the heart. i never weighed the risks, i assumed i was invisible. i wanted to meld into the music, to lose thought of all that outside the confines of this makeshift temple.
the surge intensified with each step he took towards the tip. the crowd behind me gathered with a force i hadn?t considered when i chose to stand at the tip. every soul on the floor reached to touch him, this man who seemed oblivious to the blind adoration of this mass. each push toward the heart left me gasping for breath, struggling to regain my stance. it became so strong that i found myself praying he would turn back, turn back to the stage and let me breathe. when he strayed to the tip and mounted himself on the small ledge that let him so near to us, i could feel the bones of my body tighten with the push of so many behind me. i stood compacted, gripping the rail with one hand, and supporting his thigh with the other, vacillating between fears of losing consciousness and seeing him topple into the hungry throng. he reached out into us, touching as many as possible before the chorus ended and the next verse demanded his removal from that narrow perch. as the wave of bodies rescinded, i fought to breathe, and was reeling from the proximity of him seconds before, when i felt the hand clutching mine, thrusting into it an open bottle of water, the water he had sipped only seconds before as he made his way up around the heart. i sucked it greedily, not caring whom it had previously sustained. i needed it to remain conscious. security has always been good to us.
as song after song poured forth, the energy inside and around the heart swelled to a cannibalistic fever, the band feeding off the electricity we poured forth as we sucked theirs from the stage. the cycle felt unbreakable, yet all knew it would come to a close soon. as the chiming of the song began, everyone knew without a doubt what his next course of action would be. he prowled slowly around the curvature of the ramp, eyes closed, face drenched with the evening?s exertion. as he peeled the jacket from his limbs on his way toward the tip, a sea of arms reached out to grasp him. he sauntered on, his mission clear, the quest begun. seconds before the vocals began, i found myself trembling as he crouched before me at the tip. the crush from behind had rolled towards him again, and i was suffocating beneath the wave of arms and torsos that were trying to establish contact with him. he panned the crowd, searching eyes and holding hands, not yet finding that which he sought. i could feel myself losing my footing, slipping from the position i?d stood in for hours as the unrelenting surge continued. as my legs buckled beneath me, i felt the pull from above. he was pointing at me from the tip, and two members of the black-clad security were pulling me from the midst of my fall. i was lifted over the railing, out of the crowd, and deposited in a heap at his feet.
afraid to open my eyes, for fear i?d imagined this whole scenario, i stood. i was jolted into the reality of it as i felt his arms encircle me. he had begun to sing, and despite the fact that i knew them by rote, i could make out no words within his melody. this voice, a voice i recognized better than my own, a voice i?d often thought could have been my own, now fell into my ears on his warm breath. gingerly, i reached behind him, my arms coming to rest on the damp cloth at the small of his back. i was helpless to stop the shivers coursing through me, completely unable to control my shuddering frame. i could feel his body stiffen in an attempt to keep me from shaking so. he held the mic away from his mouth and whispered, ?breathe? into my ear. this was the single most incredible and terrifying thing i had ever experienced. i had never intended to find myself wrapped around him, inhaling his aroma, feeling his breath. this was impossible, this absolutely could not be happening. who was i to deserve this luxury, this decadent opportunity? before i had time to ponder the answers to such questions, his head was buried in my neck. this was too much. his wet hair matted into mine, he swayed along to the bass. i let my hands travel cautiously up his back, gripping his shoulders before slipping back down to the waist of his pants. i could feel him reciprocate the touch, gently kneading the flesh at my waist. instinctively, i let my face fall into his chest and smothered myself in his scent. i lifted my head to his neck and let my lips graze the skin there which was becoming moistened with my tears. i could not stop myself from tasting him, and as my tongue gently lapped the pool between his shoulder and his neck and i drank him in, i felt him tighten his grip about me. he pushed me away with one hand, keeping the other at my hip, and knelt before me, pulling me down with him. as soon as i hit the ground, his head was in my lap. my small hands were tangled in his dark hair as he broke into the second verse. this was all happening so naturally, no doubt because it happened for him every night. he knew exactly how to orchestrate this endeavour, he knew every move to make in order to choreograph this dance to his designs. it felt chaotic to me, though, sitting there on that ramp, cradling his head on my thighs. i fought hard to let it happen, to just let myself break away from thought and go along with his intentions, but i could not keep my mind from reeling and trying to reason through this. i wrangled the fear that seemed to seep through my pores, and tried to concentrate all efforts into maintaining an awareness of and enjoying his presence. i ran my fingers along the line of his jaw, over the scarred cleft of his chin, and he lifted his head from my legs. he stretched his length along the ramp, and pulled me down alongside him. this isn?t real, this isn?t real, this isn?t real. how many times had i imagined this scenario? how often had i longed for precisely that which was laid before me now? i could feel a knot of fear rise in my belly, lodge in my throat. there was no stopping the deluge of tears now. he reached up and coiled a thick hand around the back of my neck, and i found myself lying on his solid chest, weeping for the loss of that i would never really have. a feeling of violation gnawed at me, a burning jealousy that so many others were privy to that which i longed to experience only in private. conflicting emotions swirled in my heart, and i struggled to push them aside, to let myself be nothing but a vessel into which he could pour this performance.
it was only at the song?s end that i regained a measure of composure and could look him in the eyes. i was certain i would find shame there, but his blue eyes pierced me with an incorrigible grin, and i knew i had not failed him. he stood and lifted me up with him, a pair still entwined in a warm embrace. we parted and i took his hand in both of mine, kissed his palms and fingertips and let him go. once more he pulled me into him. my soul orbited him as his lips rested on my forehead. eyes closed, he turned to leave. i fell into a pile at the tip of the heart. i could feel security grasping me roughly, trying to remove the remnants of the last song before the next one fully broke. i lost consciousness before i was fully into my original position on the floor. the unexpected immediate proximity was overwhelming and the sudden break in the union was too, too much to bear. all thought finally left me as i hit the ground, and sensation drifted slowly away. ?breathe!? i could make out voices swimming towards me through the gathering darkness. ?just breathe!? but it was already too late. it was too much. it was not enough.
