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Old 12-28-2001, 05:11 AM   #1
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*bored* U2 jokes

As usual I'm here when noone else are and that's boooooring. So I guess I just have to keep this site alive myself.
Here are some more or less fun U2 jokes. Some old that I've heard before and some new ones. I hope they cheer at least someone up.


A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.

"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."

"You've Thinned?"

"Yes, I met Adam of U2, we went out Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."

"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."

"Will that wash away me Thin?"

"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."


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Bono's still in his school days. The written expression class is almost over, when the teacher decides to give the kids a "surprise test": Everybody is to write an essay about sex, politics and religion, and those who finish can go. Young Bono has a previous engagement with his friends, to rehearse the band they just formed, and has no time for the teacher's tests. Not today... So he hastily scribbles 2 lines in his test sheet, puts it on the teacher's table and runs out. She tries to stop him, but in the end has to accept he can write...

The paper reads: "And then the queen said: Oh my God! Don't stop!"


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Little Adam: Mother, I want to grow up and be bass player in a rock band.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

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A religious nut, a political fanatic, and Bono are sitting next to each other on a boat, all on their way to New York.

The political fanatic's wireless phone rings, and when he finishes he tells the other two that there has been a meeting of politicians from around the world, and they agreed that God does exist.

The religious nut pulls out his wireless phone, and says, "Yeah? well I can phone God anytime, I have his phone number", He dials the number.

Bono's phone rings.

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Edge arrived at the pearly gates.

"What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter.

"I was the lead guitarist of U2 "

"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our heavenly rock band for a guitarist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal."

So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived Edge turned up with his heavenly guitar [sic]. As he took his place God moved, in a mysterious way, to the mike. Edge turned to the angelic drummer and whispered, "So, what's God like as a singer?"

"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's Bono."

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Edge and Larry are captured by cannibals one day. Before they are about to be cooked for dinner they are granted one final wish.

Edge says "Hand me one of yours drums and let me play some music one last time...".
Larry says "Please kill me before he starts".

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U2 and REM have decided to do a few shows together in Chicago and Milwaukee. Unfortunately, the weather in Chicago is so bad they are forced to take the commuter train to Milwaukee instead of flying. So, they go to Union Station and Bono, Larry, Edge and Adam each by a one-way ticket to Milwaukee. Out of REM, only Stipey purchases a ticket.

"How are you guys gonna get to Milwaukee only on one ticket?" Bono asks.
"Don't worry about it," Stipey answers.
"Yer gonna get kicked off the train," Edge sneers
"Just watch," Mike replies back.

So the two bands get on the commuter train, with U2 seating themselves in the main cabin and all of REM crams into the lavatory. The conductor comes by calling for tickets. U2 dutifully hand over their proofs of passage.

When the conductor gets to the lavatory, he sees that it reads "Occupied."
"Tickets please!" the conductor calls, knocking on the door. All of U2 watches as the door opens slightly and a single arm holds out the ticket. The conductor takes the ticket.
"Thank you sir." And the conductor moves on to the next car.

So the bands play in Milwaukee and then it's time to take the train back to Chicago. So, at Milwaukee train station, U2 has wised up. Larry, ever eager to stretch a dime, purchases on ticket for the band. REM purchases nothing.

"Oh, come on!" Bono marvels. "Now there is NO WAY you guys can get back to Chicago with no ticket!!!"
"Don't worry about it," Stipey answers.
"Yer gonna get kicked off the train!" Edge laughs.
Nobody replies.

So, the two bands board the train and all of U2 crams into a lavatory and they shut and lock the door. Then, all of REM except Stipey cram into the other lavatory. Once the train has begun moving, Stipey knocks on U2's door.

"Tickets please!"

by Bernard Tey

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At the next big award show:

Bono: "I am here for the environment because.... why am I here again Ali?
(turns round) Oh yeah, because the environment is in danger.... why is it in danger Ali?"...

thanks to: Chrissy

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is totally lost, so he reduces hight and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feets above this field."
"You must be a record label," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man, "How did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you've told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be a recording artist."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "How did you know that?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, and you don't know where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help you. You are in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

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Q. How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Four:
Bono writes a song asking for deliverance from the dark.
Larry says it doesn't matter if it's light or dark. He's the drummer. Chicks dig him.
Adam wonders if it's worth getting naked when no one can see him.
Edge, the mechanical genius, finally changes the bulb.

Thanks to: LukesRevng@aol.com

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How Many WIRELINGS Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

250

1 to change the bulb,
12 to speculate what kind of bulbs the band members would use,
16 to relate interesting experiences they had with light-bulbs at Popmart,
3 to say that their experiences with light-bulbs were much better on the ZooTV tour,
1 to write "Mysterious Bulbs",
101 to write their own light-bulb songs,
3 to archive the light-bulb songs at their web-sites,
17 to say that the light-bulb thread is a waste of time,
6 to say that there's nothing wrong with having a sense of humor about light-bulbs,
2 to say they're glad that Puff Daddy isn't changing the bulb,
35 to advertise their bootleg of the light-bulb being replaced,
13 to give URL's of their pictures of the light-bulb,
14 to say how they really preferred the old light-bulb
25 to say that it's important that the bulb changes
7 to say how much they're looking forward to the next lightbulb
18 to request information on the next lightbulb
1 to say that he/she has been on holiday and is wondering what's going on with the light-bulb

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Q) How many U2 members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) None. Bono simply holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.

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A musician dies and goes to heaven. He meets Jimi Hendrix, Elvis Presley, John Lennon - and then sees Bono flying by. "Hey," the musician says, "I didn't know Bono was dead!" "He's not," Elvis replies, "Thats God - He likes to pretend He's Bono!"

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One day an Englishman, an American, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guiness. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"


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It is the year 2051, fifty years after Elevation Tour has closed it's doors. Adam walks into a bar in Dublin, orders four pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders four more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." Adam replies, "Well, you see, since Bono is on Pluto, Edge is on Venus, and Larry is on Mars, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. Adam becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders four pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders three pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Adam looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no." he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."


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So one day The Edge and Bono had a bet.
Bono said "Everyone in the world knows me."
The Edge said "Get over yourself"
Bono "I will prove it"

They walk out of Windmill Lane and a bunch of girls went nuts yelling for Bono.
Bono said "See Edge they love me."
The Edge said "No big deal groupies, even the Knack had groupies."

Bono told The Edge "OK you pick any place. We'll go and someone will know me." The Edge picked Nome Alaska. There on a secluded frozen lake was an Eskimo ice fishing They walked up to the Eskimo and the Eskimo said "Ugh hi Bono" The Edge shook his head in amazement.

Then The Edge took Bono to a remote island in the Pacific ocean. They went out on a boat and there was a boy swimming with dolphins. The Edge stopped his the boat and the boy said Hi Bono and to The Edge's amazement so did the dolphin.
Bono said "See I told you"

The Edge finally came up with an idea. They flew to the Vatican. Bono decided to give the Pope a pair of Fly glasses and talk about Jubilee 2000. The Edge was standing in the crowd when all the sudden a guy came up and said "Hey who's that guy Bono is giving sunglasses to?"

The Edge threw up his hands and gave up.


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A young Irish girl comes to town and goes to the priest.
"Father I have sinned .. I made love with Adam from U2 who gave me a ride to town. ."
"Daughter, say 10 prayers and you will be forgiven"
"Father," she says, "I will say 20 prayers because I will drive back with Bono."

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Bono and Father Murphy bet that Bono cant say Mass. To prove he can they agree that Bono pretends to be the new priest and says Mass next Sunday.

So Bono does. Upon return to the office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. One sip of whine. Not the whole cup.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

10. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

11. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"




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"U2 on its own is a very interesting group and all. But U2 with its audience is a culture" - Bono

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Old 12-28-2001, 05:33 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally posted by MissZooropa:
Bono's phone rings.
Hehe, that was cute.



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Old 12-28-2001, 08:35 AM   #3
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some made me laugh, some made me shake my head in shame....

and i HATE that irish girl who keeps getting to make love to ADAM! damn her!
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Old 12-29-2001, 01:09 AM   #4
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These are cute! I sent some of them to friends...I especially like the ones when God imitates Bono!

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"A Bono approved event is a good event!"

You can dream, so dream out loud!

"The way to be optimistic is not to shut your eyes and close your ears." -Bono

Create Light, Create Unity, Create Joy, CREATE PEACE!
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Old 12-29-2001, 01:30 AM   #5
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------------------
Does love light up your Christmas tree?

Happy Holidays!

"And I wear gray underwear." -Bono

Love,
Emily


Visit my webpage for U2 wallpapers:
www.geocities.com/springtime5348/index.html

...if God will send his angels...
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