U2MaNaIcWeIdO
Blue Crack Addict
I'm sorry I haven't said this sooner....but my mom is in the hospital...again. But this time she isn't going to come back.
I should start at the begining....She went to the hospital (again in two and a half years) last monday for a rash on her legs (My mother and I had an arguement the night before cause I wanted to let my dad know cause he was worried about the bills and my mom has been to the hospital twice before and this time would be harder on his emotions). She was starting to feel better as soon as last Friday
But then on St. Patrick's Day, just as soon as we got there (I set my alarm at the wrong time so I got up 24 minutes late and took a long shower...so we left late)......my mom got a really bad blood clot (I can say the offical name....but I can't spell it...but I know it's two words that start with a P and a E for the first and second part of the name) that resulted in stopped breathing (We don't know how long...but it was for a couple of moments). Once she started breathing again...she suffer extensive brain damage. We don't know how bad....but it looks bad enough to put her in a vegetative state. She's lucky to have a specialist to bring her back...even in this vegetative state....cause I would have been pissed on Saturday cause I didn't see her at all that day.
So after almost a week of seeing her in a semi-vegetative state (We don't know how aware she is or if she truly knows that we are there)....we have decided to release her breathing tube and try to let her pass on her own tomorrow. My dad is hopeful for one last suprise...if by moan and/or groan or looking at us straight in the eye...but I don't think so. She was looking at us crossed eyed today when we saw her. Yea...her nervous system is still working and so is her musles....but she's on anti-seizures meds cause she was have bad seizures on St. Patrick's Day and again on the 18th (This past Sunday).
My mom is a strong-willed and stubborn woman...and I know she doesn't want to be in a nursing home (again) with a breathing tube and a feeding tube in her. The doctors tried to put a feeding tube in her yesterday...but she didn't eat much at all...if any.
I'm so torn right now...cause she was in a ventilator twice before last year and came through...but then again she didn't stop breathing for a couple of moments and then have extensive brain damage afterwords last year. But I want to see her pass away too (I did most of my grieving on Sunday and Monday...after she went into the vegetative state...cause the woman I know died on Saturday). But I'm starting to make my peace with my mom (I said my regrets to her over the past couple of days...like anyone with a dying parent does) and I told her that I love her.
My dad is having regrets as I'm typing this....but he is as torn as me....maybe even worse. He's wondering if he would let my mom die overnight without us being there....just so that she can die in peace. I'm feeling guilty cause I'm already starting to accept her being dead and/or dying since Tuesday and I feel like I should grieve some more. But I know she wouldn't want to grieve or worry about her too much. And plus I want to see her one or two more times before they pull the breathing tube tomorrow too...but I know she wouldn't want to wait any longer.
Sorry for this long message....but I'm torn between sernity and grief.
I should start at the begining....She went to the hospital (again in two and a half years) last monday for a rash on her legs (My mother and I had an arguement the night before cause I wanted to let my dad know cause he was worried about the bills and my mom has been to the hospital twice before and this time would be harder on his emotions). She was starting to feel better as soon as last Friday
But then on St. Patrick's Day, just as soon as we got there (I set my alarm at the wrong time so I got up 24 minutes late and took a long shower...so we left late)......my mom got a really bad blood clot (I can say the offical name....but I can't spell it...but I know it's two words that start with a P and a E for the first and second part of the name) that resulted in stopped breathing (We don't know how long...but it was for a couple of moments). Once she started breathing again...she suffer extensive brain damage. We don't know how bad....but it looks bad enough to put her in a vegetative state. She's lucky to have a specialist to bring her back...even in this vegetative state....cause I would have been pissed on Saturday cause I didn't see her at all that day.
So after almost a week of seeing her in a semi-vegetative state (We don't know how aware she is or if she truly knows that we are there)....we have decided to release her breathing tube and try to let her pass on her own tomorrow. My dad is hopeful for one last suprise...if by moan and/or groan or looking at us straight in the eye...but I don't think so. She was looking at us crossed eyed today when we saw her. Yea...her nervous system is still working and so is her musles....but she's on anti-seizures meds cause she was have bad seizures on St. Patrick's Day and again on the 18th (This past Sunday).
My mom is a strong-willed and stubborn woman...and I know she doesn't want to be in a nursing home (again) with a breathing tube and a feeding tube in her. The doctors tried to put a feeding tube in her yesterday...but she didn't eat much at all...if any.
I'm so torn right now...cause she was in a ventilator twice before last year and came through...but then again she didn't stop breathing for a couple of moments and then have extensive brain damage afterwords last year. But I want to see her pass away too (I did most of my grieving on Sunday and Monday...after she went into the vegetative state...cause the woman I know died on Saturday). But I'm starting to make my peace with my mom (I said my regrets to her over the past couple of days...like anyone with a dying parent does) and I told her that I love her.
My dad is having regrets as I'm typing this....but he is as torn as me....maybe even worse. He's wondering if he would let my mom die overnight without us being there....just so that she can die in peace. I'm feeling guilty cause I'm already starting to accept her being dead and/or dying since Tuesday and I feel like I should grieve some more. But I know she wouldn't want to grieve or worry about her too much. And plus I want to see her one or two more times before they pull the breathing tube tomorrow too...but I know she wouldn't want to wait any longer.
Sorry for this long message....but I'm torn between sernity and grief.