Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here

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floweravalanche

floweravalanche

Rock n' Roll Doggie
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
3,295
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Where the streets have no name, In God's Country,
I hope you guys don't mind me writing this on here but I could use some prayers, positive vibes, anything good for that matter.

I've been battling emotional problems for as long as I can remember there are times I feel I have beat them then it hits me like a brick that I have not.

Some people call it depression, some call it bi-polar, some call it I need to get a grip and grow the hell up, but whatever it is it's really killing me inside.

I've been to the doctor she said I just need to find some ways to cope, a hobby maybe, find something that makes me happy, I use to go to therapy so I had someone to talk about how I felt inside she blames it for not having my mother in my life and not being able to focus growing up and able to control how I really feel, and now that I'm older it's hard for me to control my emotions.

I get very emotional very easily I cry for no reason, I may just freak out over the most littlest of things. I have my highs and I have my lows. But its all really killing me.

I have no friends one reason why I hang out online, when I try to build some sort of relationship it feels like there isn't a point cause I'm always hurt by someone which leads me to not trust people or afraid to even try make a friend.

To top off my emotional issues I have a learning disability, I read backwards, it takes me awhile to comprehend stuff, and numbers look like scribble to me. Which effects my studies I'm in the learning disability program at school, but even with that I feel I'm the dumbest person on the planet, it also doesn't help when you have people pointing the finger at you for it either example: One of my professors tonight got on me for not being in class the pass couple of weeks, I've been sick with some stuff I don't wont to mention right now and he went all hay wire on me for it and when I asked for help he was like what are you stupid, you cant read? and I go no Im not stupid I can read I just read backwards and it takes me awhile to understand things, and then he goes don't your glasses help you read? then he was like if you cant hack in this class you might as well drop college. Now I've been in college for a year now I struggle but I get through and I havent found one professor that is not welling to help. But after that then having the class point and laugh, my self esteem level dropped more down then it already was. I broke down in tears and to the point I don't want to go back to school, I don't want to deal with people anymore, I weather stay home and hang out with my cat and bird and listen to music cause at lest I know they wont point and laugh.

I feel like I can't get a break with anything my emotions, my health, trying to take care of my Dad who almost died on me in March, and trying to teach myself to get out there and be an "adult". I lost my job that I was enjoying when my Dad got ill, I've about lost school cause I can't afford to go and they are threatening to take away finacle aid, without aid I can't go. I'm trying my hardest to get out there and find where I belong but every door has been closed on me. Now I'm to the point asking God Why am I even here? I'm a failure, I can't handle what life trows at me, I don't understand half what goes on anyways, so whats the point? I'm sad, I'm depressed, I want to hide in a hole forever and never come out. I have no friends, I have no one to lean on when I'm down, but yet I try to be there for everyone else, but I'm thrown to the ground like I'm nothing but dog crap. I really don't see the point of me being here anymore if I'm nothing but a mess anyways.

The only thing that keeps me here is my Dad, animals, and music. But even so I'm not happy, I'm not who I want to be or could be. I'm afraid to express how I really feel, in fear I will be made fun of, pointed out, taken down, or something negative for it. I'm afraid to strive for my dreams anymore because I'll probably fail anyways.

I really don't know what to do but I'm fading away fast.Where is God when you need him? Cause right now it feels he isn't even there either:sad:
 
I'm sorry. :(
Having a disability would certainly make it harder for you. And your professor isn't making it any easier.
At least your dad is still there for you, and your animals and U2 keep you hangin' in there. :hug:
I'm not really sure what to suggest. Maybe you could find a hobby like your doctor says.
Just keep hangin' in there hun. :hug: :hug: :hug:
 
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:


Crystal don't be sad. I had a rough time for a while, but I finally came out of it. I have been to the doctor and went on pills and they made me like a zombie, so I stopped taking them and have dealt with it on my own. I don't know what brought me out of it. I think it was coming on here and making friends and talking about U2. Every now and then I have moments, but I try to think of U2 or put a cd on and I feel better. I was getting out of my depression when I first met Bono and I told him what his lyrics and songs have done for me and he gave me the biggest hug. Don't feel all alone because your not. You have your dad, pets, music and us. I'll always be here if you want to talk :hug::hug::hug::hug:
 
:hug: I know how crappy that can be. I had what I think may have been an undiagnosed nervous breakdown last year...I was completely non-functional. I was just a basket case. I did nothing but cry and I couldn't be left alone or I would completely freak out. Finally I worked through it, with the help of none other than U2 (it sounds lame, but I swear). I also don't have a whole lot of friends...when I went to college I slowly drifted away from people. I'm still working on that. You're not alone, and if you're taking care of your father, I'm sure he appreciates you a hell of a lot. Don't know what else to say other than try to always look for the silver lining (and hey, October is only a few months away!)
 
I appericate the love and support guys it truly means a lot to me:hug:

I felt pretty bad posting this in here I was like they gonna think Im insane or something along those lines. I'm not good about telling how I feel without breaking down or holding back, which later turns in breaking down.

I feel ya laura about the meds they did that to me too and every time I tried to express how I felt I just went into a blank like the meds were keeping me from being human, I too took myself off them, the also had me on add/adhd meds that stuff made me worst then I was without them. I still have the meds I took one when my sister was in town cause I was going insane with my emotions after I took it I was clam but wasn't responding to anything, she even snapped her fingers at me and yell to try to get my attention nothing I just stared, then finally burst out into laughter which lead her to give me a good one in the chest. I guess she thought I was being sarcastic or something, I really don't know why I did it either it was probably a way for me to release all the stress and everything I had build up, but I wish it didnt happen considering it lead me to get smacked:reject:

I feel more at peace, when I'm listening to music, around animals or when I help others. But I feel bad when I give advice to others cause I have my own problems and I can't even help myself, but I still do it.

Having a disability can be pretty rough, I tried to hide it for a very long time, until finally I step down and said how are people able to understand me or help me if I don't tell them, but now I'm back into not telling anyone because I feel now it's used against me.

I want to be happy, and want to live life to fullest with giving a care about anything about the happiest person on the planet like I use to be a few years ago. But it's getting harder and harder for me, the harder it gets the more and more I fall.

U2 has really helped me a lot I'm glad I caught that comcast commercial with boots on it that brought me back to them and to think the only reason why I went to check out who sang that song was because I couldn't stop saying "the future needs a big kiss" then going get on your boots it was catchy:lol:. Before that I got into U2 right after my grandmother died and I was introduced to their music. She passed the night before 9/11, she raised me with my Daddy.

I wouldn't be here today without U2's music helping me get through the day, and I also wouldn't have found you guys and find somewhere where I can escape for awhile.

October will be here soon enough maybe thats light who knows. But until then I got to get myself together cause I'm stuck in a moment I can't get out of.

Secretly alone I feel you 100% and no its not lame to say U2 got you through at all cause look they have helped others and are helping me:hug:

Now I've got to find something else to do as well. Maybe pick up my violin again, draw or something.
 
Im in class right now and I can already tell it gonna be hell, -sigh- luckly only a week left of this class, but I'm really hating the conflict that is going on its insane.

Hopefully I can keep it together cause I'm going insane and my self esteem is just dropping and dropping:sad:
 
:hug::hug:

i have to leave where i am now.......

be back tomorrow I hope----- most likely,


hang in there!

i'm sorry one of your professors was so rotten with you.

Having dyslexia is a problem for sure!

one more week... take it a min, an hour a day at a time.


I so glad your dad made it through!:hug:

You are brave for striving to get through college.

the voiloin. I hope I might play that someday.

right now i have a releatively inexpesive Squire Fender that I've been negelcting b/c of other things getting in the way..... :tsk: on me :giggle:


i'll try to say some more tomorrow.

and yes go draw , too! :)
 
Thank you:hug:

I wanted to play guitar but my hands are too small to do so, thought about bass a couple times.

I'm looking at school if I can take an art or music class as an elective I think if I can take one of those classes it will spark some stuff back for me and help me to relax or find a fun animal class to do or maybe save some money and take classes outside of school.

Lucky next Thursday is the last day of this semester for a couple weeks before the fall starts.

I just feel like Im running in circles though with everything no where out and no where to go to get me back on the path:sigh:
 
I officially have decided to never speak again. Cause everytime I do someone gets upset or I get hurt. I guess Im too honest for everyone and kind hearted. I hate conflict or anything negative so I speak how I feel. But I just end up getting hurt everytime I open my mouth.:sad: I wish I was born without a voice.

I think I'm gonna go back and hide again and not even brother with people anymore
 
No floweravalanche, don't you EVER say things like that again!! Right now, times are really, really tough for you, and all the situations you're in are not really helping to look out to better times ahead either. But don't say that you wish you were born without a voice... I'm sure there are people around you who love you and need you and not thinking that you hurt them at all. The phase you're going through right now is making everything seem so much harder. If it's any comfort, I've been there too. Feeling like you're only upsetting people or afraid of getting hurt is the worst thing that can happen to somebody. But there IS light at the end of the tunnel. You will get through this. It may take a while, but eventually you'll get out of all this shit stuff. Just, please, hang on... You are worth being seen. Don't hide, don't think you're bothering people... If you ever want to talk or vent a little more, feel free to send me a PM ok? Nobody deserves feeling this lousy :( Try to hang in there :hug:
 
Thank you Januarystar:hug: it is rough this year alone has been rough with all this on top of my Dad almost dying on me in March ( again almost lost him when I was 16), everything slipping through my fingers everywhere I turn and through all that I try to be there for those I care for but it seems like I just fail them or I lose them someway for whatever reason that is.

I'll never forget this that was said to me a couple months ago " if you never came into my life, I would of been better off, but then you came and its like you brought hell with you":huh: "and you wonder why no one wants to be around you or you have no friends" I never understood why that was said to me and it hurt a lot and still does.

I know I have a lot of baggage on me and I try my best not to bring it on toughs I love but sometimes you just got to let it out and sometimes things come in waves and you can't control them.

When my Dad got ill with his heart again in March no one cared everyone that I could think of I contacted and they didnt even want to listen or be there for me, some even stopped talking to me in general,even the family was like this is all your fault we have nothing to do with you, in fact I was told I had a week to leave my own home and live with my mother who I have never been with since I was about 4 years, thank God I didn't leave. So I ended up doing it all on my own, which put me into major depression that I thought I was already out of, then I started trying to get better, I found this site, started listening to U2 again and began to heal emotionally inside, but then all this garbage came at me again and is coming in waves. It just doesn't make any sense to me really. and I wonder about those that also seem to be happy and have what they want. How do they do it? Cause I the heck sure cant. Then I think its some sick joke from God or something his way to get at me for stopping going to church because I felt the people were not who they were and it killed my soul. I don't know I just wish I could get a break for once. But I don't want to blame God cause it could be a lot worst I guess, and he is still the reason why Im here for whatever reason that maybe.

I feel pretty bad laying this all down in here, but I couldn't figure out any other way to let it out since I have hard time as it is to express how I feel.
 
:hug:

You're not alone, I totally understand what you're going through, I've been there before.

I know it's tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there is always a way and there will be better times.

Try to concentrate on positive things, that give you joy in life.

I have had similar problems for many years, seeking professional help really helped me a lot. It's a tough and long journey, but it's important to have someone to talk to.

Don't think you're all alone with your problems, because you aren't.
If you feel bad, come here and try to keep to the positive stuff on this forum.
You can also pm me if you want.

Hang in there, you'll be ok :hug:
 
hello flower, first of all massive amount of :hug:s to ya luv.

I can only say I can relate ever so slightly to your situation of high and low days, and also wanting to never speak again (in my case I would rather never be seen again).

darling - :hug:

so so sorry to hear about loss of your dad.
 
My Father hasnt passed on we had our scares though but God is wonderful and keeps him for whatever it is and I treasure every moment of it, he is my everything. My Mom was never there, but Daddy always was and still is and always will :)

Mad I know about never wanting to be seen again I'm there myself, my friend Justin told me last night he goes what you need is someone to build your conifedence back up put all the negative behind and smile and all the positive and not care about the negative. Easier said then done I know but I believe, with the help of others, music, my faith, and whatever positive I can find to help me get through the depression and the low self esteem, I can get through it.

Thank you so much lastunicorn:hug:

You all are helping me alot means so much:hug:
 
Thank you Dazzled:hug:

So I dont know whats up with me, but I just dont want to be social and around people I get offered to go out and hang out I keep involding it or I get very nervous to the point I cry. I don't know why I do this, I want to have friend I want to get out and have a great time but its like Im afraid too:sad: I hate it a lot and its just adding to everything else. I don't know why Im like that its like I want to but dont know how
 
you are in a difficult situation......
with this serious push & pull of want to/fear stopng you.... :hug:

have you always had trouble making friends?

or is it something that suddenly, or slowly appeared.

there is a Social Anxiety disorder which may be beyond super-shyness.....


BTW i've been in Colorado Springs about 29 yrs ago, as part of one of my 2 big trips around the USA.
Incredible countryside! I took the ?______Gardens & ?Air Force Academy tour. :D
 
The Garden of the Gods is Beautiful thats pretty much my back yard along with Pikes Peak and Cheyenne Mountain and Air Force Academy is awesome, I've live here in Colorado Springs for over 16 years since I was 3-4 years old.

I've always had problems making friends since I was a kid, I was the one that everyone made fun of or didn't brother with which I have no clue why other then because I was a big "crybaby" to them because of my emotional problems. When I got to high school I was a little more social but still was alone most of the time and now that Im in college I try my best to get out as much as I can but I have major problems doing so, majorty of the time if I am out I'm the quiet one then one that observes and says just a couple of words, I particulary have problems with females:reject:
 
Hang in there, honey! :hug::hug: So many people are here for you. Talking about your emotions always helps to relieve the pain. Just keep talkin because your voice is important and well-worth hearing! :heart::hug:
 
Thank you bonoslilpal and joerags:hug:

I just need something and someone to motivate me and build my self esteem.

I took a test thing for school they wanted me to take to see why I was going down in my studies and socially at school they had some concerns, and it turns out my motivation had the highest score out of them all what was my problem along with self esteem. That woke me up a bet along with I was hanging out with someone and he went I love you I love who you are and everything but the number one thing I hate about you is your low self esteem, your lack of motivation, and trust within yourself. That brought me a bet down to hear that and its a be embarrassing for me to hear that. I just wish I knew what my problem is and why I am like this. Is it because of how I was treated growing up? my disability? all of together? or what? I really want to get myself out of this be happy, get going, succeed in whatever life trows at me and just be me without being scared, down, sad, anything negative. But its so hard:sad: Maybe I have a bigger problem and just don't know it or I'm to embarrassed and scared to find out.
 
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