UPDATE
thank you elys.......
When i got the message yesterday about visiting
it was from Monday.
When i talked to my sis later last night.... she said
" the doctors think she only has (from weds) 24 - 48 hrs left "
Then she thought i guess maybe i now shouldn't go b/c bren is in a much more visually disturbing way than she was on Mon.
#WARNING# difficult details (skip if you want to - no probs)
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she looks like a 8th month pregnant woman.
The edema ( swelling of tissues - you slowly blow up like a "balloon" ) which before was only in her lower extremities was now getting into her hands/ arms. What if it reached her face by the time i arrived.
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// END Scary Details
Because some I was going to be doing got cancelled - i could have gone.
I debated
hard. I could feel myself at one point, my body pushing to go.
But then I thought what if she dies before I get there. What if she dies while I'm there.
Since I have had
so many traumatic medical/ hospital experiences dealing with both my parents at different times (until the late 90's when it was sometimes both at/ near the same time)
for 5 decades, and now several with my (only sib) sister since the 00's...
I finally decided
maybe it
would take too much mental/emotional energy to hold my reactions/ emotions in [which I did for
so long with my parents that it got to the point of the upsetting emotions being buried extremely quickly over decades, and ultimately not healthy for me], that now I tend to burst out ( it's so fast now- the reaction), or I let it out.
I "talked to her" (brenda) last night before I went to sleep. And before I arrived here I "talked to her again" on a side area on a bustling street under a beautiful dry weather deep blue sky- as we often (in the longer day seasons) be out on going/ looking at interesting places, shops, events, people- said my thanks & farwells- though I'm still sending her healing
untill I know the final news.
I feel
partly like I didn't do enough (on an energetic/etheric plain) -
maybe i coud have constructed the thing i built quicker - instead i spread it out several days - partly from buying what I needed, partly 2 mistakes I made.
MAYBE also partly because i had
another [frustrating/ hard to do] thing I had to keep working on, and not wanting to spend the
whole time inside between both projects without getting outside when
it has finally got beautiful for the first time for a long stretch of days of the whole summer, and being here.
I think that might be the
part of me that is skeptical about this stuff
vs the part of me that has heard & read incredible stories, and experiences and has had a few minor ones myself that have should not happen under scientific "facts" as they have been taught: so that I didn't want to be stuck inside the whole time putting the device together (plus other project).
So
I donna know for sure.
I do know i did spend a lot various times visualizing etc. So maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself.
maybe .....esp in these circumstances!
