Maybe you can give me your opinion. - U2 Feedback

Go Back   U2 Feedback > Your Blue Room > PLEBA > PLEBAns
Click Here to Login
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 02-02-2009, 11:09 AM   #1
ONE
love, blood, life
 
JCOSTER's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: It's a very, very mad world.
Posts: 14,971
Local Time: 01:16 AM
Maybe you can give me your opinion.

What I'm about to unload is really eating at me.

I have a 5 year old nephew with life threatening peanut/egg allergies. For the past couple of years my brotherinlaw and sisterinlaw have been confronting my husband and myself about certain issues. We never ask them for anything and keep our mouths shuts in order not to hurt their feelings. They also live about 45 minutes away from us.

The issues at hand are:

My brother in law wants us to make an egg free cake for birthdays etc. I do provide him with an alternative. My kids do not like this egg free cake. I think my kids should have the cake they like on their birthdays. Plus I stay clear of egg free products when serving food. On occasion, I have forgotten, but there has always been something for him to eat. I cut out labels and give them phone numbers is I have something catered.

They think we don't care enough to provide a safe environment for him. My sil said when he was younger it was a nightmare to come to my house.

I expect them to keep an eye on him and not run crazy around my house.

They give my husband and myself self help books on relationships as gifts. I've been married for 18 years and together with my husband 26. They have been married 10 and together 12.

What are they trying to say, Meanwhile, they are constantly calling each other honey, and sweetie in an overcompensating way

My sisterinlaws mother while at my sil house told them that she saw my older son doing something inappropriate with my nephew on his lap. Instead of defending my son who did nothing wrong (I was sitting right next to him) my bil confronted my husband. My husband was shocked and did all he could to restrain himself.

We discussed this with them and they were shocked that we would be upset, they only mentioned it because they thought there might be something physically wrong with my son or he was in some kind of pain. I told them that was a strong accusation and how much it hurt us that they didn't defend their nephew

They decided to get the family together including my sil mother on a family 10 day cruise this summer. After everyone else agreed, they asked us. The problem with this is it was never discussed where to go, my inlaws decided on a cruise and everyone agreed. The other problem is I am terrified of cruise ships and sailing like that.

Now if you decided to get people together on a family vacation wouldn't take suggestions on places to go. I would fly anywhere, I just don't go on boats. My in laws said they want us to go really bad but not bad enough to change their plans and to something I am not terrified of. Its what they wanted to do.

My sister in law complains that we are not close and she just wants to be closer. She also complained that in the summer we are always busy and have no time for them. We also don't talk enough on the phone.

They can't just drop by if I don't have the appropriate food for my nephew and my house isn't cleaned for peanut dustings. I must admit our summers are pretty busy, we're a baseball family and travel alot, but thats our family. She said on Christmas that we need to be closer and talk on the phone more, I have yet to hear from her after we had discussed all these issues.

My husband has spoken to his brother a few time since, but all her crying and such....I haven't had one phone....she was the one complaining.

Also in response to coming to my house being a nightmare, my husband said, so you mean to tell me that even though you were afraid your son would have an analphalactic reaction in my house you were too afraid to talk to my wife about it. So you put your son in danger by doing so. At this point my sil was like Niagra Falls.

When we parted ways that evening she said can we start over and promise to talke and communicate better with each other, we all agreed we hugged and the went home. That was a monther ago.

Am I wrong on these issues? I need to know if I'm looking at this wrong.

Any input is greatly appreciated.
__________________

__________________
JCOSTER is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2009, 01:47 PM   #2
Galeonbroad
 
Galeongirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Schoo Fishtank
Posts: 70,773
Local Time: 07:16 AM
Reading this makes me angry. If they weren't family I'd advise you to get rid of these people asap.
They obviously only care for themselves and assume everyone else should do too.

THEIR son is THEIR responsibility. Sure, if he's allergic you can ask people to do something special for him or at least make sure there's something for him to eat. But that's it. You can ASK. They ASSUME you do it.
It's not his birthday, it's your kids birthday and if they hate the eggless cake, so be it. Why ruin it for so many people if ONE kid can't eat it?
If they care for their kid so badly, they could always take their OWN food if yours ain't good enough.

I just have one question about the cruise thingy. Do they know you hate them? Have you ever told them? If not, I can't say they're wrong then, they just don't know.
If you have, then they're selfish and try to force you to go. I wouldn't give in to that, ofcourse you'll feel like you walk into a wall because you'll be the only one not coming, but if she really cares for you and wants to be closer as she said she would consider your feelings.
Going on a cruise and asking/forcing someone terrified of them with you, that's not considerate. That's extremely egocentrical.
__________________

__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by GraceRyan View Post
And if U2 EVER did Hawkmoon live....and the version from the Lovetown Tour, my uterus would leave my body and fling itself at Bono - for realz.
Don't worry baby, it's gonna be all right. Uncertainty can be a guiding light...
Galeongirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2009, 02:45 PM   #3
ONE
love, blood, life
 
JCOSTER's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: It's a very, very mad world.
Posts: 14,971
Local Time: 01:16 AM
Thanks GG, and yes everyone knows I don't like cruises/ships. They've known for a long time. I would fly anywhere... pick another vacation and I'll go.

The thing I'm having a problem with is getting over all this stuff and moving on. Alot of hurt feelings to me and my husband. I do think its their responsibility to keep their son safe, not mine. If she wanted me to buy certain foods, or even make certain meats, pasta etc. I would but not the cake.
__________________
JCOSTER is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2009, 03:16 PM   #4
Galeonbroad
 
Galeongirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Schoo Fishtank
Posts: 70,773
Local Time: 07:16 AM
I understand it's a lot of pain to get over, because it's close family, but you can't just sit here and take everything!
The cake is the best thing about a kid's birthday, and you shouldn't let it ruin it.

Take a breathe of air, leave some space between you and them, so they can hopefully realise there's something going horribly wrong in your relationship.....
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by GraceRyan View Post
And if U2 EVER did Hawkmoon live....and the version from the Lovetown Tour, my uterus would leave my body and fling itself at Bono - for realz.
Don't worry baby, it's gonna be all right. Uncertainty can be a guiding light...
Galeongirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2009, 04:44 PM   #5
Blue Crack Supplier
 
dazzledbylight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: in the sound dancing - w Bono & Edge :D
Posts: 33,002
Local Time: 01:16 AM
don't have time to giveyou a totally full answer right now, jcos......

i DO think you are mostly being put upon by your relatives.........

Your kids should be able to eat the cake THEY want!
Maybe there's an eggless cupcake you can get for your nephew?
And maybe you could add a little icing or some extra decoration on it to also make it special. That shouldn't be too much of an extra effort?

my mom always had needles and counter-active drugs in case she - being so allergic & asthmatic- in case she ever went into that type of shock. So i'm not unaware of this .

The parents ARE responsible for their child. Is the kid old enough & responsible enough to know the difference of what he is eating?
Amybe you could cover some things that could be problem for him as an extra precaution.

I also think it's QUITE RUDE for them to be giving you relationship books as gifts. Yuck. That's a really personal issue, not to be trotted out in a general gift-giving occasion.... iMHO.


How fucking careless that they should ask you to go on boat travel that you are terrified of!

anyway.... I'm not sure how you should handle this all, I have think more about it.....

just at least that you are NOT overeactting to their actions/requests
__________________
dazzledbylight is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2009, 11:29 PM   #6
ONE
love, blood, life
 
JCOSTER's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: It's a very, very mad world.
Posts: 14,971
Local Time: 01:16 AM
Thanks Dazz, sometimes I feel like I did do something wrong and then I realize I didn't. My nephew is only 5, so he is still learning. His parents send mixed signals on what they would want you to do and not do.
__________________
JCOSTER is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2009, 11:46 PM   #7
Blue Crack Addict
 
Gluey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Cattle Class
Posts: 15,477
Local Time: 07:16 PM


I have a nephew with a peanut allergy, and a friends son has an allergy to literally everything. I take standard steps to put the 'peanut based' foods out of reach if my nephew is coming to stay. But basically both their mothers say that they have to learn to live in the real world and the real world is full of dangers. If they are molly coddled, they'll never learn to check for dangers themselves. It's been drummed into both boys from day one to ASK what is in food, and to check labels for themselves. We've NEVER been expected to change cakes, serve food, that is 100% in favour of these children. Naturally as anyone who cares would, we make sure there are some alternatives for them to eat whenever they come around, but their Mum's also have enough forethought to bring something themselves just in case. JC you're not doing or expecting anything wrong. Sounds to me like his Mum and Dad need to loosen the cotton wool a bit and teach the boy to stand on his own two feet. At the end of the day he's their child and their responsibility. If it were my kids, I'd be naturally worried for their safety but i'd never dream of imposing restrictions on other people!! HOW will that help the child if everything's made 'safe' before he goes anywhere???
__________________
Gluey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-03-2009, 06:44 AM   #8
Blue Crack Supplier
 
Alisaura's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 30,442
Local Time: 05:16 PM
JC...

It made me mad too, reading that. I pretty much agree with GG and Dazz and gluey... they shouldn't expect you to go to lengths like that, with the food or the cruise or anything.
And it's all very well to say to start again, but if they keep behaving the same way, nothing will change and you'll end up going through the same thing again, as sad as that is.
Gluey's right too, it's not doing your nephew any good to be over-protected... sooner or later he'll have to deal with reality and look after himself in a world that won't always know his allergies. I hope he doesn't grow up expecting that everyone will bend over backwards to cater to him...

Who the heck gives out self-relationship-help books as presents?! That strikes me as rude too.

I hope you can work all this out and that your in-laws become a bit more reasonable.
__________________
Alisaura is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-03-2009, 08:18 AM   #9
ONE
love, blood, life
 
JCOSTER's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: It's a very, very mad world.
Posts: 14,971
Local Time: 01:16 AM
Me too. ^^^ BTW It really bothers me that they have such big mouths and never realize that they might hurt others by what they say. I've been in the family for 26 years and my sis in law 12. I somethimes feel shes way out of place.
__________________
JCOSTER is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-03-2009, 11:13 PM   #10
Refugee
 
kassandra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: on a sunburst street
Posts: 2,360
Local Time: 01:16 AM
Hi JC
Here is my 2 cents:
I can (believe it or not) understand your in laws thinking that when they and their son is over your house that he would be completely safe from his allergy BUT you also have children and they do not have the problem. So - I would make my child the cake that he wants for his birthday and provide another treat for your nephew. That is how it is done in school and he will have to be able to understand he has the problem. If he has to sit at another table away from the cake then so be it. Again that is what will happen in school for him. You are family though and providing a safe environment should not be expected, but comforting to all.

Your sil sound like an emotional basket case. She is hyper critical and needs to show the same respect for your children you have for hers. Her comments about your son are hurtful and leave trauma. Maybe you might show her a book on how to deal with life without being over sensitive. Jeez!

As far as the vacation goes, can you figure a way to deal with the cruise? It was very unthoughtful, disrespectful and mean for them to plan a vacation KNOWING how you are. If it is all planned though, maybe you could try to go and show, I don't know, that you are better than that?

Always put your family first Jeanne, you will regret it later on if you don't. It doesn't sound like you are wrong at all. Maybe your husband can have a discussion with his brother once more.
__________________
kassandra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-04-2009, 08:56 AM   #11
ONE
love, blood, life
 
JCOSTER's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: It's a very, very mad world.
Posts: 14,971
Local Time: 01:16 AM
^ I can't do the boat thing, its one of maybe 3 fears in life I have, maybe has to do with not being able to swim. I can't even watch the deadliest catch!!!! In a way, I am at the point where I don't want to go with them anyway, but the inconsideration and thoughtlessness is still there. My son doesn't know a thing about what they said.
__________________
JCOSTER is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-04-2009, 05:02 PM   #12
Refugee
 
kassandra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: on a sunburst street
Posts: 2,360
Local Time: 01:16 AM
I understand how you feel, I wouldn't want to go either. How does your hubby feel about that though? And the kids? Would they be upset if they knew everyone was going except them? Can you set up another vaca where everyone is happy? Thank goodness your son doesn't know, I would hint to him to stay away from his cousin though.............

In-laws can be so
__________________
kassandra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-04-2009, 05:11 PM   #13
New Yorker
 
MooMoo!'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MUTANT SPIDER THING. D=<
Posts: 3,090
Local Time: 07:16 AM
Your husband had a good point at the end there. Why let your kid into somewhere then moan later it was dangerous? That just makes it sound like she wants an arguement.
__________________
MooMoo! is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-04-2009, 05:12 PM   #14
Blue Crack Addict
 
Gluey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Cattle Class
Posts: 15,477
Local Time: 07:16 PM
Inlaws (or mother-in-law) is almost regarded as a swear word in our house sometimes....

Good luck JC....If it was me personally, I'd say "Thanks for the invite, however AS YOU KNOW I'm petrified of water etc and therefore our family will be unable to join you - hopefully we can all do something more suitable next time, have fun..." subtle.....might register, and if it doesn't then it's their loss not yours. I've given up beating myself up trying to please everyone else and neglecting myself. I don't jump for anyone now (not in a bad way), but if it's something that's not suitable for me or my family we won't do it. My mother-in-law tried the guilt trip before xmas. She was taking grandfather-in-law, and son and his partner to her daughters place in the south island for xmas (we're in the north island). She demanded we go too. We are prebooked for a campsite each year, right on the beach...if we don't go, we lose it. Anyway, family events with them usually end in tears, and we always have the most wonderful time camping. We turned around and said sorry, we are unable to go, AS YOU KNOW we have this booking and it's a special family time for us....she started talking to us again about 2 weeks later and I'm relieved we made that decision because when they came home all we heard was moans and groans about who said/did what etc....

Sorry for the ramble, but don't let it get to you. There are some people in life you're never going to please and it's best to put your energies where they are appreciated!
__________________
Gluey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-04-2009, 05:49 PM   #15
New Yorker
 
MooMoo!'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MUTANT SPIDER THING. D=<
Posts: 3,090
Local Time: 07:16 AM
The arsehole in me wants you and your husband to go round their house at halloween dressed as a a peanut and an egg.
__________________

__________________
MooMoo! is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:16 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Design, images and all things inclusive copyright © Interference.com