secretly alone
Rock n' Roll Doggie FOB
I love this chapter! I hope you all do too 
~Fiction, fiction, fiction, and let me think...fiction!~
My head was consumed in a cloud of smoke, and I waved my hands around, coughing and gagging. The damn pancakes were burning. "Ahh shit...stupid pancakes!!" I was definitely a failure as a cook. I had been really trying the past month, and getting a lot of practice, but I still sucked. Scooping the burned ones onto a plate, I turned the flame down so I could cook the rest of the batter.
"What happened in here?"
The soft, sleepy voice came from behind me. Bono looked adorable in the morning. His hair was sticking up in at least four different directions. I gave him a little hug. "Morning! I just burned some pancakes, that's all. I'm making more." He rubbed his eyes. "Why didn't you wake me up, I would have helped you." I just shooed him away. "You were sleeping nice and peacefully." I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor of his room. The spare bedroom was being used for storage. After a half-hour long fight the first night I was there over whether or not he was giving up his bed and sleeping on the floor, I won. So I was sleeping on the floor.
I put the plate of non-burned pancakes in front of him and kissed the top of his head. "Pam-pakes!" He scowled playfully. "You're not going to forget that, are you?" "Never! It was only one of the funniest things I've ever heard someone say." He chuckled. "Geeeeez, I was half asleep...why are you eating the burnt ones?" "Because I ran out of batter. And it was my fault that they burned." He speared some on his plate. "Here, we'll share these-" "Ah n-n-n-n-n-no, you eat. I don't mind the burntness." He gave me a lingering look that said a lot of things, mostly, I think, 'thank you for being so good to me', and then went back to eating. I attempted to smooth down a cowlick by his ear. It wasn't happening. Watching him eat, I thought about the completely bizarre course our relationship was following.
Over the past month, we had become all but inseparable best friends. It was very peculiar...I had never felt so close to anyone before, let alone in such a short period of time. We weren't what you would call a couple, and it was becoming increasingly frustrating for me to figure out what was going on. The line was blurring more and more every day. We had talked more about our pasts...he told me about how his mother had passed away when he was fourteen, and I had cried about that. The way my heart broke when he told me the story really helped me to realize how I felt about him. I had told him about my brother, as well.
I was looking at the picture of him and Norman on the table by the couch. "I love this picture of you two. You look like such silly little boys." He smiled. "I like it too...I think I was six, and he was thirteen." "I'd guessed about that...seeing as you're missing both of your front teeth." He laughed. "I know, it looks ridiculous! He's a great big brother...when he moved out, I was so upset. I took it as a personal offense, like his leaving meant that I was no longer cool enough for him! He comes around all the time, though...he taught me to play the guitar and everything." I sighed. "That's really sweet. It's nice that you're close..." He looked at me cautiously. "You never told me about your brother." Oh. Right. I was ready to tell him. "Yeah, I have a little brother, Killian...if you could call him a 'little brother'. We're only 11 months apart." He laughed a little. "Your names rhyme!" "Yeah, I know. I guess that's partly why I've always been Lil. We're almost like twins, and we were always best friends growing up. I remember one day when we were around thirteen or fourteen, we were arguing about something, and I said 'You know what? You are named after the beer that you were conceived on!' and so that was a sort of inside joke between us after that, because he was conceived such a short time after I was born." Bono was laughing hysterically. When he finally calmed down, he said, "I get the feeling something happened." I nodded. "He was always such a good kid. But, you know, sometimes teenagers fall in with the wrong crowd...when he was seventeen he started smoking crack. He denied it, though. Then he started stealing money from our parents to pay for it, and they finally caught him. They sent him to a rehabilitation correction facility type thing about eight months ago. I know he's going to be ok. But it was a bad time, and I was so depressed when he left, even though I knew it was a necessary step in getting my little brother back."
It had been a tough story to tell, but I was glad that I did, and Bono was not just sympathetic, but understanding. We had both been through some crap. I was so glad to have him, at least for a friend.
The doorbell brought me out of my reverie. Bono was still eating. "I'm done eating, I'll get it." It was Edge. "Edgie! Good morning!" We hugged. I had become very fond of all three of them, but Edge in particular was becoming like a brother to me. "Hi Lilly...I have the tapes! Is Bon up yet?" He looked around. "And ugh, what is that smell?" I rolled my eyes. "I burned some pancakes. I'm so excited the tapes are here! He's just eating..." I ran into the kitchen and tried to pull him out of the seat. "Paulie! Edge is here, and he has the tapes!" He wiped his mouth on his sleeve and jumped up. Gee, I thought. Napkin?
Last week they had recorded a few demo tapes of the songs for the next album. They were finally done, and I couldn't wait to hear them. Bono waved to Edge. "I just have to find the tape player...I haven't used it in ages." He went up the stairs and Edge turned to me. "So, Lilly...how are things going? You know, with the two of you?" I sighed. "Kind of confusing and frustrating. I love him. And I don't mean just like regular platonic love. I'm madly IN love with him, and I don't really know what to do." Edge scratched his chin in thought. "Well, don't you think he feels the same way? I mean, it's pretty obvious to everyone else that you're both in love. You're always hanging all over eachother." "I know, and I do get the feeling he feels the same way. But I'm just so afraid that if I say or do something, I'll mess up this special relationship we have." That was my dillema. "I think that it's special because you are, in fact, in love. You need to tell him." He squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. I knew he was right. I just hoped that I could finally act on his advice, before they left for America.
Bono came wabbling in with a big, old looking tape player. Edge got out the tapes. "Right, so this is Fire, and on the other side, Brick...With a Shout and Gloria...When I Fall Down and Tomorrow." Bono nodded. "I think we should make it just 'I Fall Down'...the when is sort of unecessary and clunky." It was interesting to watch them in this process. As we listened, Bono drew his knees up to his chin, resting it on them. Then he leaned his legs on my lap and propped his elbow on my shoulder. When the last song ended, he said, "I really think these are sounding great. Need some refining of course, but they're really coming along nicely." Edge agreed. Bono turned his head to look at me. "What do you think, Lilly?" His face was so close to mine. I could see every single freckle. "I think that I LOVE them!" "Really? Which one is your favorite?" He was now kneeling, IN my lap. That was an easy one. "Tomorrow."
I was woken up at some point in the middle of that night by thunder and lightning. I was very confused and for a delirious second I thought I was at home. Suddenly, I became aware of an unusual amount of weight pressing on the right side of my body. It startled me. And it was breathing. I turned my head and almost had a heart attack. Bono was laying there, his nose nearly touching my cheek. In my original sleepy stupor I hadn't noticed that his arm was draped over me and he was clutching my ribcage on the other side of my body. He was in a semi curled up position, and his leg was partially on top of mine. I laid very still with my eyes wide and locked on the ceiling. What was going on? It was a nasty storm, but it seemed a little odd that a nearly 21 year old boy would be bothered by a thunderstorm. He was a man, for crying out loud! But, maybe he was afraid. Maybe he was sensitive, or fearful, or not used to storms this bad. Or maybe he knew that I would be happy to have him there. If so, he was right. I didn't know what it meant, but I was going to savor it. Very carefully, I turned onto my side so I was facing him and snuggled closer. His body was so warm, and he was breathing steadily, obviously fast asleep. I could see him clearly when the lightning flashed...he looked like an angel. I loved thunderstorms, especially when in bed, and being snuggled up with Bono made it a million times better.
When I woke up in the morning, the sun was shining into the room and I was alone on the mattress on the floor. I stood up, and Bono was sound asleep in his bed with his arms around a pillow. I scratched my head. Had I dreamed that he had been in the bed with me? Was that actually a possibility? It still seemed very real, not like the way you remember a dream when you wake up. That thought was a little disappointing, but confused as I was, I didn't mention it to him when he woke up. If it hadn't actually happened, then he would know that I had dreamed about it. Embarassing to the max. All I said was, "That was some storm last night, huh? I never knew you got them that bad here." "We usually don't...it's ridiculous, but I was a little scared. I've never seen lightning like that." Ok, so he woke up during the storm, and it did bother him. I still wasn't going to ask him, "Hey, did you by any chance get into bed with me last night?" No way. I squeezed his arm. "Nah, not ridiculous at all."
Bono was acting strangely all day. He followed me around more than usual, but was much quieter. He came with me to the grocery store, too. I certainly didn't mind it, especially since he and the band would be leaving in less than a week. I felt a lump in my throat when I thought about it, and also a little panicky. They would be gone for three months. I wouldn't see him for three months!! And where was I going to go? I couldn't imagine staying in his house when he wasn't even there. And now he was acting so strange. He looked nervous, and like he was constantly on the verge of saying something, but he never did. "Bono are you ok? You know you're talking about 1/100 the amount you usually talk today? Something wrong?" He looked startled and grinned unnaturally. "Huh? No, nothing, I'm fine! Uhm, can we get this?" A huge box of cereal. "Uhhhh, sure...but you're leaving in a few days..." He looked apprehensive again. "I'm sure we'll finish it by then." There was no way, but I put it in the cart anyway. When we were putting the food away at home, he spoke for the first time all day without me having to say something to him first. "Lilly...can you come outside with me? I want to talk to you." I knew something was bothering him. "Outside? But, we're alone here-" "I know. I just want to go outside. It's nice." He took my hand and I followed him outside.
It was twilight, and still fairly warm. "Baby, what's the matter? You've been acting so strange all day." He was standing so close to me that our hips were practically touching, and he just looked at me with his big blue eyes, like he was trying to read something in mine. Then he put his hand on my cheek, leaned forward slightly and gave me a very soft and tender kiss. I felt like my heart burst, and a flood of happiness and relief poured out. His lips were warm and soft, and I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him closer. He pulled his head back and we looked at eachother for a few seconds without saying anything, and then resumed kissing. More passionately this time, though. I held the back of his head, and felt his tongue tentatively lick my bottom lip. I opened my mouth slightly in response, and then his tongue was caressing mine. It was warm and wet and a little sweet, and sent shivers up and down my spine. I ran my tongue over his teeth and his whole body quivered. I continued exploring the inside of his mouth, and he held me tighter and moaned softly at the back of his throat. We contiued like that for a good few minutes, until I really began to feel like I was not getting enough air. He looked shocked and deliriously happy. "I...I have to tell you something." I laughed. "Well, I would think THAT requires an explanation from both of us, huh?" He put his arms around me again. "Lilly, I love you. I'm hopelessly in love with you, and I need you to know that. Even if you don't love me back, we can still be best friends. I just...need you to know I love you, so much" I felt the tears trying to fight their way back, but they were happy tears this time. "Not love you back? HOW could I not love you? Ohhh, baby...I love you more than everything else that's good in this world." And we held eachother very tight for a long time.
Mayyyyybe 
I'm hoping to get the next chapter posted tomorrow or Wednesday 
