secretly alone
Rock n' Roll Doggie FOB
Here's chapter 17 
This has some, I don't want to say heavy, but it has some swearing/offensive language...like more than the random f-bomb. So, just a warning. It's there for a reason, though 
~I'm seriously running out of ways to say that this is FICTION~
"I'm not sure why you insist on me writing, since I can just call you. There's nothing really interesting to tell. Bono is sick right now, he caught a cold from getting rained on the other night. I've never seen so many hotel rooms in my life. I'm having a blast in general, though, despite the excess of Interstate food and lack of sleep..."
I guess a letter did have a particular charm about it, but by the time my family got the letter, I could have very well told them the same thing on the phone days before. It was true, though, that I didn't call very often. I didn't tell my mom that some nights we didn't stop, rather we just kept driving, and slept on the floor of the van. That wasn't the reason why I didn't call every night, but it was obviously part of it. I had to laugh at myself saying there wasn't anything interesting to tell...that was just code for "I don't want you to know about everything I've been doing." Not that I was doing anything wrong, but there were definitely a few things, or at least one thing, that she would be more than unhappy about. I was pretty sure I could add keeping wierd hours, sleeping on the floor of the van, and making a habit of sharing a bucket of KFC at 1 am to the list of things she would have a cow over. "Hey, what's today's date?" Larry answered. "The seventh." I was shocked. "Seriously? I've lost track of the time so badly...I thought it was around the first or second!" I dated the letter and folded it. Something wasn't right about that date. I thought about it for a minute, and then a cold wave of panic washed over me. I knew there was a reason I had been keeping a close watch on the date. I fished in my purse for my calendar. Adam peered curiously at me. "What are you looking for?" Larry made an exasperated noise. "Probably her calendar...I'm telling you Lilly, it's the seventh!" I shushed him. "Oh, you mean the one with the x's in it?" My head snapped up. "Adam!! What the hell is your problem? What are you doing going through my shit?" He looked shocked. "Calm down, I wanted to know the DATE, therefore I consulted your calendar! Not like I read your diary because I wanted to know what you really thought about me." I rolled my eyes. "I don't keep a diary. Luckily, it'd probably be public knowledge if I did. And I wouldn't write about you anway." Adam smirked. "You're right. I wouldn't read your diary anyway, because I'm not interested in every little move Bon makes in bed-" I whacked him in the closest spot I could reach- his left shoulder. "Ow!! What the-" "GUYS!" Edge looked particularly annoyed. "Can you stop being such incredible nitwits, please." Adam folded his arms. "You're both in crap moods."
I didn't answer. I was staring at the calendar, and May 31st was staring back at me with a red x through it. That was a week ago exactly. I felt sick. My period was a week late...a whole week! I tended to keep a very regular cycle. A day or two variation was a possibility, but not a week. I tried not to slip into a full blown panic, but this wasn't looking good. It was a little bit like my life was flashing before my eyes. The realization came that my entire life could change. I didn't want to think the word. That would make me have to accept it as a real possibility. I put the calendar down and scooted down to where Bono was laying across the seat, sleeping. Poor little thing. At least his fever had gone away. I felt his forehead to be sure. As I watched him, I involuntarily imagined him holding a baby. A blue eyed baby. Would that even be possible? My eyes were green, but I could be carrying the blue eyed trait, I suppose..."Stop it!" I thought to myself. "This isn't happening." Telling myself that didn't make it true. I stroked Bono's hair. Imagining him as a father made my heart ache. Someday, it would be beautiful. But right now, it would be so unfair. He'd just had his twenty first birthday. I was about to have my twentieth. We certainly were no where near ready for that. I pushed the desperation away and decided that for the time being, I would deal with this the way that I dealt with all worrisome situations- by ignoring them.
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Tylenol, Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup, and tea bags. Three things should be easy enough to remember. After sleeping for nearly two days straight, I was so happy that Bono was awake and feeling much better today. Sitting up in the room in the hotel that I thought we would never reach, he had requested these three things. He sent Edge along with me, because apparently there was some danger in me going to a grocery store alone in an unfamiliar town in Texas. I wasn't actually sure of the name of the town we were in. It was hot, intensely humid, and swarming with the kind of accents you hear in Western films. I had never understood just how vast and dynamic America was. My America was a bustling city, packed to capacity with people who spoke and moved as if they were racing eachother. If you stood still too long, someone was bound to knock into you. If you took too long to finish your sentence, someone else was already rushing through their story. America beyond New York City was full of small places, quiet places, quirky places, all unique. None of the other cities were quite like New York. They all had their own personalities, and the road had an adventurous spirit that I liked.
"I'm going to go see if I can find some of those...chips, you call them? Some of those potato chips that made my tongue feel like it had dried out in the sun all day. What flavor were they again?" I laughed. "Salt and vinegar!" Edge nodded and wandered off. Of course, the soup was in a place I could barely reach. I stood on my toes and reached for it, hoping the entire can display didn't come crashing down on me. Success! I looked around. There were two men standing nearby, but I didn't think they saw me making a dork of myself.
"How was that show you went to last week? Who was it you saw again?" "They were a little band from Ireland, a few years younger than us maybe. Called U2. They were actually real good...I thought it was going to be crappy cuz I've never heard of them, but it wasn't." My bat ears perked up, and I pretended to be closely examining a shelf full of condensed soups in order to listen to their conversation. The man who had gone to the show appeared to be in his mid to late twenties, his friend about the same age. He spoke then. "Oh, GOD, I saw those guys! My buddy from college moved to Boston, and he told me they had this kind of freakish cult following up there. We saw them when he came to visit actually...it was God-awful." I scowled. Clearly an idiot. I was about to walk by the two of them and drop some kind of smart ass remark, but I stayed put to see what else he would say. "The whole thing was just a mess, and the audience was dead. I mean, DEAD, man. And the singer was just, oh God, it was like he was high or something! Probably was. He was freaky. He just kept shouting and telling everyone to get up and shit...I just wanted to yell, 'The audience is dead because your band sucks, you little faggot'...y'know?"
I slammed a can of something down onto the shelf. It made a louder sound than I had expected, and they both turned to look at me. I stalked over to them. "Excuse me, but I happen to know the person you're talking about, and I think you should shut the fuck up, ok? I don't appreciate the usage of a slur like the one you just used, especially not on him." They both looked completely taken aback. The one with a brain seemed to think it was a little amusing. His stupid friend looked a mix of shocked and pissed. "Also, for your information, he was not high. That's called emotion. People use it for other things besides rudely trashing someone they don't even know." He stepped closer to me, but I didn't move. "Who do you think you are, bitch?" Wow. Obviously I wasn't dealing with a gentleman here. "I wasn't talking to YOU. And what's it to you, eh? So your friend is a freaky little fag, so what? Why doesn't he come find me and fight me over it himself? He's Irish, ain't he? Should be down for a fight-" In about three nanoseconds, my knee met his crotch with a force I didn't know I had in me. It hurt like hell, but the agonizing wail that came out of that guy was well worth it. His friend's eyes were wide. "Duuu-uude!!" I made another move towards him, and he made like he was going to grab me. "Don't you fucking DARE say anything about where he comes from-"
"Lilly!" Edge appeared out of nowhere it seemed, and shoved me roughly, stepping between me and the man that I had quite possibly just sterilized. He was bent over with his legs pressed together awkwardly. "Are you gonna hit a girl, eh? You make another move towards her, and I will put my foot so far up your arse, you'll choke on it." I snorted with laughter in spite of my anger. Edge turned his head to me, still holding his arm up against the other guy. "Are you insane? Lilly, I mean...are you absolutely mad? Picking a fight with some imbecile who could probably kill you?" "Edge, he-" "I heard. Well, I heard most of it-" I tried moving him out of the way, but no luck. For such a skinny kid, he was definitely stronger than I was. "You listen to me, asshole. I don't care how fucked up in the head you are...say that kind of shit, and I'll kill your ass!!" Edge was staring at me in shock. "I hope I have rendered you incapable of reproducing. Although I can't imagine you having someone to reproduce WITH, seeing as you probably couldn't get it up for more than a minute." He looked like he was going to lunge at me, but istead he opened his mouth, however, nothing came out. "Unlike the boy you were just making fun of, who happens to be an amazing lover." I wasn't sure why I added that in. I guess because that tends to a major source of insecurity for men. "Oh-hoo, dude..." If I wasn't in a blind rage, I would have been keeping a tally of how many times this other guy had said the word 'dude'. "Dude, you picked a fight with his girlfriend!! You should just run away now or she'll tear you apart...you'll be lucky to come out of it with ONE of your balls!" I nodded. "Listen to your friend. Stick boy isn't going to stop me," I said, jerking my head at Edge. "We're out of here, crazy psychobitch. Have fun being insane." They disappeared pretty quickly.
I put my hand on Edge's shoulder. "I'm sorry I called you stick boy. I didn't mean it." He turned to look at me, clearly in shock. "Lilly...WHAT was all that? I know I missed some of it, but...good God, is everyone from New York like that? I didn't know you could be that...that...nuts?" I laughed. "Well, it's unlikely you'll ever see me get like that again, unless this situation repeats itself. I don't have some psycho violent side! But growing up I have learned to defend myself, at least verbally. I just got mad. Thanks for diffusing the situation, though." He smirked. "Lilly, you're like my sister. Boys NEVER let anyone threaten their sisters. Besides, if one tiny thing happened to you while I was within a one hundred foot radius, Bon would beat me to a little pulp." I giggled. "He's going to be mad at me." Edge laughed. "Well, YEAH, a little! You kneed a big guy in the groin and put yourself in the position to get hurt. But...you were viciously defending him, so he's probably going to be too touched to get that mad." The boiling anger was subsiding and turning into an incredibly warm, almost aching tenderness in my heart. "You know, I never would have defended myself like that. If someone says something about me, I just walk away. I figure they're not worth my wasted energy." He nodded. "Well, that's love for ya." We were quiet for a mintute. "Lilly...did you say to that guy that you would "kill his ass"??" I burst out laughing. "You've never heard anyone say that before?!" He shook his head. "Ah, NO. Never. Y'know, you probably scared him half to death. Some crazy chick from New York was all in his face, swearing in that accent...it scared me! He probably thought you could kill him!" I rolled my eyes. "Can you stop making me out to be some kind of inner city street scrapper?! And I don't really have an accent." He snorted. "Lies! And I'm not...but the whole world knows that New Yorkers are a little scary." "Well, I don't live there anymore, do I?" He backed off. "No. Now, is there anything else you need to get, or can we pay and get the hell out of here?"
Then I remembered. There was something else that I did really need to get. But I wasn't going to get it now, not while anybody was with me. Besides, I was sort of ignoring it, wasn't I? No. I wasn't. I couldn't ignore it anymore. As soon as Bono was feeling well enough to handle it, I was going to have to tell him I was afraid I might be...well, I was going to have to tell him.
This has some, I don't want to say heavy, but it has some swearing/offensive language...like more than the random f-bomb. So, just a warning. It's there for a reason, though ~I'm seriously running out of ways to say that this is FICTION~
"I'm not sure why you insist on me writing, since I can just call you. There's nothing really interesting to tell. Bono is sick right now, he caught a cold from getting rained on the other night. I've never seen so many hotel rooms in my life. I'm having a blast in general, though, despite the excess of Interstate food and lack of sleep..."
I guess a letter did have a particular charm about it, but by the time my family got the letter, I could have very well told them the same thing on the phone days before. It was true, though, that I didn't call very often. I didn't tell my mom that some nights we didn't stop, rather we just kept driving, and slept on the floor of the van. That wasn't the reason why I didn't call every night, but it was obviously part of it. I had to laugh at myself saying there wasn't anything interesting to tell...that was just code for "I don't want you to know about everything I've been doing." Not that I was doing anything wrong, but there were definitely a few things, or at least one thing, that she would be more than unhappy about. I was pretty sure I could add keeping wierd hours, sleeping on the floor of the van, and making a habit of sharing a bucket of KFC at 1 am to the list of things she would have a cow over. "Hey, what's today's date?" Larry answered. "The seventh." I was shocked. "Seriously? I've lost track of the time so badly...I thought it was around the first or second!" I dated the letter and folded it. Something wasn't right about that date. I thought about it for a minute, and then a cold wave of panic washed over me. I knew there was a reason I had been keeping a close watch on the date. I fished in my purse for my calendar. Adam peered curiously at me. "What are you looking for?" Larry made an exasperated noise. "Probably her calendar...I'm telling you Lilly, it's the seventh!" I shushed him. "Oh, you mean the one with the x's in it?" My head snapped up. "Adam!! What the hell is your problem? What are you doing going through my shit?" He looked shocked. "Calm down, I wanted to know the DATE, therefore I consulted your calendar! Not like I read your diary because I wanted to know what you really thought about me." I rolled my eyes. "I don't keep a diary. Luckily, it'd probably be public knowledge if I did. And I wouldn't write about you anway." Adam smirked. "You're right. I wouldn't read your diary anyway, because I'm not interested in every little move Bon makes in bed-" I whacked him in the closest spot I could reach- his left shoulder. "Ow!! What the-" "GUYS!" Edge looked particularly annoyed. "Can you stop being such incredible nitwits, please." Adam folded his arms. "You're both in crap moods."
I didn't answer. I was staring at the calendar, and May 31st was staring back at me with a red x through it. That was a week ago exactly. I felt sick. My period was a week late...a whole week! I tended to keep a very regular cycle. A day or two variation was a possibility, but not a week. I tried not to slip into a full blown panic, but this wasn't looking good. It was a little bit like my life was flashing before my eyes. The realization came that my entire life could change. I didn't want to think the word. That would make me have to accept it as a real possibility. I put the calendar down and scooted down to where Bono was laying across the seat, sleeping. Poor little thing. At least his fever had gone away. I felt his forehead to be sure. As I watched him, I involuntarily imagined him holding a baby. A blue eyed baby. Would that even be possible? My eyes were green, but I could be carrying the blue eyed trait, I suppose..."Stop it!" I thought to myself. "This isn't happening." Telling myself that didn't make it true. I stroked Bono's hair. Imagining him as a father made my heart ache. Someday, it would be beautiful. But right now, it would be so unfair. He'd just had his twenty first birthday. I was about to have my twentieth. We certainly were no where near ready for that. I pushed the desperation away and decided that for the time being, I would deal with this the way that I dealt with all worrisome situations- by ignoring them.
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Tylenol, Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup, and tea bags. Three things should be easy enough to remember. After sleeping for nearly two days straight, I was so happy that Bono was awake and feeling much better today. Sitting up in the room in the hotel that I thought we would never reach, he had requested these three things. He sent Edge along with me, because apparently there was some danger in me going to a grocery store alone in an unfamiliar town in Texas. I wasn't actually sure of the name of the town we were in. It was hot, intensely humid, and swarming with the kind of accents you hear in Western films. I had never understood just how vast and dynamic America was. My America was a bustling city, packed to capacity with people who spoke and moved as if they were racing eachother. If you stood still too long, someone was bound to knock into you. If you took too long to finish your sentence, someone else was already rushing through their story. America beyond New York City was full of small places, quiet places, quirky places, all unique. None of the other cities were quite like New York. They all had their own personalities, and the road had an adventurous spirit that I liked.
"I'm going to go see if I can find some of those...chips, you call them? Some of those potato chips that made my tongue feel like it had dried out in the sun all day. What flavor were they again?" I laughed. "Salt and vinegar!" Edge nodded and wandered off. Of course, the soup was in a place I could barely reach. I stood on my toes and reached for it, hoping the entire can display didn't come crashing down on me. Success! I looked around. There were two men standing nearby, but I didn't think they saw me making a dork of myself.
"How was that show you went to last week? Who was it you saw again?" "They were a little band from Ireland, a few years younger than us maybe. Called U2. They were actually real good...I thought it was going to be crappy cuz I've never heard of them, but it wasn't." My bat ears perked up, and I pretended to be closely examining a shelf full of condensed soups in order to listen to their conversation. The man who had gone to the show appeared to be in his mid to late twenties, his friend about the same age. He spoke then. "Oh, GOD, I saw those guys! My buddy from college moved to Boston, and he told me they had this kind of freakish cult following up there. We saw them when he came to visit actually...it was God-awful." I scowled. Clearly an idiot. I was about to walk by the two of them and drop some kind of smart ass remark, but I stayed put to see what else he would say. "The whole thing was just a mess, and the audience was dead. I mean, DEAD, man. And the singer was just, oh God, it was like he was high or something! Probably was. He was freaky. He just kept shouting and telling everyone to get up and shit...I just wanted to yell, 'The audience is dead because your band sucks, you little faggot'...y'know?"
I slammed a can of something down onto the shelf. It made a louder sound than I had expected, and they both turned to look at me. I stalked over to them. "Excuse me, but I happen to know the person you're talking about, and I think you should shut the fuck up, ok? I don't appreciate the usage of a slur like the one you just used, especially not on him." They both looked completely taken aback. The one with a brain seemed to think it was a little amusing. His stupid friend looked a mix of shocked and pissed. "Also, for your information, he was not high. That's called emotion. People use it for other things besides rudely trashing someone they don't even know." He stepped closer to me, but I didn't move. "Who do you think you are, bitch?" Wow. Obviously I wasn't dealing with a gentleman here. "I wasn't talking to YOU. And what's it to you, eh? So your friend is a freaky little fag, so what? Why doesn't he come find me and fight me over it himself? He's Irish, ain't he? Should be down for a fight-" In about three nanoseconds, my knee met his crotch with a force I didn't know I had in me. It hurt like hell, but the agonizing wail that came out of that guy was well worth it. His friend's eyes were wide. "Duuu-uude!!" I made another move towards him, and he made like he was going to grab me. "Don't you fucking DARE say anything about where he comes from-"
"Lilly!" Edge appeared out of nowhere it seemed, and shoved me roughly, stepping between me and the man that I had quite possibly just sterilized. He was bent over with his legs pressed together awkwardly. "Are you gonna hit a girl, eh? You make another move towards her, and I will put my foot so far up your arse, you'll choke on it." I snorted with laughter in spite of my anger. Edge turned his head to me, still holding his arm up against the other guy. "Are you insane? Lilly, I mean...are you absolutely mad? Picking a fight with some imbecile who could probably kill you?" "Edge, he-" "I heard. Well, I heard most of it-" I tried moving him out of the way, but no luck. For such a skinny kid, he was definitely stronger than I was. "You listen to me, asshole. I don't care how fucked up in the head you are...say that kind of shit, and I'll kill your ass!!" Edge was staring at me in shock. "I hope I have rendered you incapable of reproducing. Although I can't imagine you having someone to reproduce WITH, seeing as you probably couldn't get it up for more than a minute." He looked like he was going to lunge at me, but istead he opened his mouth, however, nothing came out. "Unlike the boy you were just making fun of, who happens to be an amazing lover." I wasn't sure why I added that in. I guess because that tends to a major source of insecurity for men. "Oh-hoo, dude..." If I wasn't in a blind rage, I would have been keeping a tally of how many times this other guy had said the word 'dude'. "Dude, you picked a fight with his girlfriend!! You should just run away now or she'll tear you apart...you'll be lucky to come out of it with ONE of your balls!" I nodded. "Listen to your friend. Stick boy isn't going to stop me," I said, jerking my head at Edge. "We're out of here, crazy psychobitch. Have fun being insane." They disappeared pretty quickly.
I put my hand on Edge's shoulder. "I'm sorry I called you stick boy. I didn't mean it." He turned to look at me, clearly in shock. "Lilly...WHAT was all that? I know I missed some of it, but...good God, is everyone from New York like that? I didn't know you could be that...that...nuts?" I laughed. "Well, it's unlikely you'll ever see me get like that again, unless this situation repeats itself. I don't have some psycho violent side! But growing up I have learned to defend myself, at least verbally. I just got mad. Thanks for diffusing the situation, though." He smirked. "Lilly, you're like my sister. Boys NEVER let anyone threaten their sisters. Besides, if one tiny thing happened to you while I was within a one hundred foot radius, Bon would beat me to a little pulp." I giggled. "He's going to be mad at me." Edge laughed. "Well, YEAH, a little! You kneed a big guy in the groin and put yourself in the position to get hurt. But...you were viciously defending him, so he's probably going to be too touched to get that mad." The boiling anger was subsiding and turning into an incredibly warm, almost aching tenderness in my heart. "You know, I never would have defended myself like that. If someone says something about me, I just walk away. I figure they're not worth my wasted energy." He nodded. "Well, that's love for ya." We were quiet for a mintute. "Lilly...did you say to that guy that you would "kill his ass"??" I burst out laughing. "You've never heard anyone say that before?!" He shook his head. "Ah, NO. Never. Y'know, you probably scared him half to death. Some crazy chick from New York was all in his face, swearing in that accent...it scared me! He probably thought you could kill him!" I rolled my eyes. "Can you stop making me out to be some kind of inner city street scrapper?! And I don't really have an accent." He snorted. "Lies! And I'm not...but the whole world knows that New Yorkers are a little scary." "Well, I don't live there anymore, do I?" He backed off. "No. Now, is there anything else you need to get, or can we pay and get the hell out of here?"
Then I remembered. There was something else that I did really need to get. But I wasn't going to get it now, not while anybody was with me. Besides, I was sort of ignoring it, wasn't I? No. I wasn't. I couldn't ignore it anymore. As soon as Bono was feeling well enough to handle it, I was going to have to tell him I was afraid I might be...well, I was going to have to tell him.
awesome chapter as usuallllll 
