youvedonewhat
Rock n' Roll Doggie Band-aid
Ok, not much time so here's Rose Part 3. 
Last bit from last bit>>>
I came over all warm and contented whenever I heard him speaking in those hushed tones of his. It was such a soft, seductive voice that it drove me insane with desire. If ever I caught him whispering something, I’d feel my insides reacting, causing me to want to do something daft, like throw myself at his feet and declare my undying love to his ankles. But I wouldn’t. I didn’t want be rejected; not by him, anyway.
So, I’d sit on the edge of my bed and listen; silently ache for him, wished desperately that it was me he was coming to see. And out of sheer boredom I’d fall into daydreaming about him; sexual daydreams in which he’d have me for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Next bit...
Sometimes, when they’d been out late; my brother and his friends, they’d come back to ours in the dark hours. There were three special ones he hung out with by then. Jason; he had fair, curly hair and wore glasses and he was quite a nice bloke by all accounts. He wore kaftans and smoked pot. He spoke quiet posh and could play bass guitar. I rather think he fancied himself in a band because he was always going on about gigs and getting noticed.
And then, there was Keiron. He was a bit of a joker, was Keiron; had a keen smile and green, twinkly eyes that crinkled in the corners. He had the most amazing laugh. It was high pitched and sounded a bit like a goat and it always made me laugh to hear it. His hair thinned young though; ended up wearing a beanie hat most of the time after that, which left Jack; Jack whose eyes were so blue they made me think of summer; my Jack. Oh yes, I’d considered him to be mine by then; mine, ok.
And, apparently, as I learned later on, the older Jack got, the more he had to say. I could always hear his voice in my brother’s room and every now and again, I’d hear the others saying, “Jack; shut the fuck up!” And it’d make me giggle. Clearly they weren’t seduced by his voice as I was.
:-:
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, they’d come back to ours after they’d stayed out late. I was a light sleeper so I’d hear them come in even though they’d try to be quiet. More often then not they’d sunk a few. I could tell by the whisperings and the girly giggles that would come from the darkened hallway downstairs as they tried to get their shoes off so they wouldn’t make a noise when they came up. Only our stairs creaked, didn’t they, so I knew what they were up to. And they’d disappear into my brother’s room to discuss what kind of night they’d had; what girls they’d snogged and who’d been lucky enough to get his leg over. They didn’t tend to stay long though. It was usually only about half an hour. And Jack was always the last to leave.
One night, he caught me lurking in the upstairs hallway. He’d just emerged from my brother’s room and was on his way out. He was positively rat arsed; pissed as a fart. He had this huge grin on his face and was giggling away like he’d just told himself a really funny joke. When saw me he put a chunky finger to his lips and shushed me around a giggle but then fell about laughing.
Me, well, I just scowled at him and went back to bed. I could still hear him though. As I climbed inside the sheets he was still laughing to himself as he went down the stairs. I came out of my room again and stuck my face over the top of the banister.
He was downstairs by then, trying to put my brother’s shoes on instead of his own and he couldn’t understand how come his shoes were too big for his feet. I let out a long sigh as though annoyed with him; which, of course, I wasn’t. I was never able to be annoyed with Jack. “They’re my brother’s shoes, you arse!” I shot down the stairs in a heated whisper. And he looked up at me, nodded, giggled, reached for his own shoes and stuck his feet in them. As he opened the door to leave he turned round, blew me a kiss and left.
I thought about that kiss for a long time; a very, very long time. I’d gone to school thinking about that kiss. I’d gone shopping thinking about that kiss. I’d gone to bed thinking about that kiss. It was ridiculous; thinking about a kiss that I hadn’t even had; one that’d been blown at me from a long way off but then I was desperate wasn’t I?
:-:
I never told anyone about my fascination for Jack. My brother and his friends turned twenty two, going on twenty three but I still never said anything. I was fifteen going on sixteen by then and so of course, were my friends.
My mother, being her usual agreeable self was more then happy to let me have my friends in at the same time as my brother had his in. Which was all very well until my friends noticed his friends and I had to look on whilst they all giggled and flirted with each other.
I was given to bad tempered jealousy in no time. I guess I didn’t quite grasp just how deep my feelings ran for Jack until my friends noticed him and began talking about him. I realized with not a little discomfort that he was up for grabs and that as his friend’s sister I’d be at the back of the queue.
:-:
One evening my friend Kay turned up on my doorstep. It was summer and the days were long and drawn out. I love that time of year; light evenings and warm air; wonderful. So, she arrived and immediately looked suspicious but I didn’t say anything. I’d just let her in and we went into the kitchen.
Checking that no one could see or hear, she’d opened her coat to reveal a large bottle of vodka and mine eyes had known great joy. I suggested that we go out into the garden; into the summer house where we could neck the alcohol in secret and get rat arsed. I’d been in the process of stealing a couple of glasses when my pesky brother emerged from nowhere and demanded to know what I was up to.
Meantime, my friend Kay, who wasn’t the sneakiest of people, tried her best to look innocent. Well, that had been a great mistake, hadn’t it? My brother had narrowed his eyes and his face had taken on a kind of superior smugness. I recognized that look and so I knew what was coming and watched in panic as he pulled in a deep breath, ready to call out to our mother but then Jack appeared behind him wearing a grin wide enough to tempt the saints.
We made eye contact over my brother’s shoulder; me and the favoured Jack. For a second I felt as though we shared a something private and my insides had felt a deep longing. With his back to Jack, my brother was clearly looking forward to grassing us up. “I’m gonna tell ma”. He said.
“Tell her what?” I goaded, giving him my most defiant glare.
“What are you up to? You both look shifty”.
Of course, Kay and I had said the one word which nobody ever believed.
“Nothing”. We said in unison; “Nothing”.
“Right, I’m gonna call ma”. Older Brother had announced.
Jack was looking straight at me, his eyes still holding mine. I’d already melted at the sight of him but I’d rather he hadn’t been there if mother was going to show me up by telling me off in front of him and confiscating the alcohol. But then Jack spoke, leaning in towards my brother’s big ear. “Hey”, He said. “When’s Luke supposed to be here?”
My asshole, turkey brother, loosing his train of thought had turned to speak to him. And it was whilst he’d been answering, that Jack, looking over my brother’s shoulder, had winked at me. His eyes dropped my hands which were still wrapped around the glasses. As one side of his fine mouth lifted gently, he gestured with a discreet flick of his hair that we make a speedy getaway.
So, we did. But not before I glanced back over my shoulder to see Jack winking at me again as he slipped his arm about my brother’s shoulder and lead him away. I smiled to myself. We’d shared a secret and it made me want him even more.
:-:
The night moved on. In the summerhouse, as daylight diminished along with the alcohol, Kay and I grew louder and more vocal. By the time we’d giggled our way through three quarters of the bottle, laughing at nothing and swearing at everything, some drab neighbour went and called round.
Apparently they were not particularly impressed with our attempts at singing and asked my parents if we could please keep the noise down as we’ve got kids who are trying to sleep So, The Parents came to look for us. They found us rat arsed and uncaring and hauled us inside and it’d been father’s keen nose that grassed us up, his being able to sniff out alcohol at fifty paces and all.
So they’d immediately banished my friend until further notice. Me; I’d been scolded for showing them up in front of the neighbour’s and sent to my room. There I was to stay for the foreseeable future. It was my turn to be unimpressed. Fuck that. Fuck them and fuck the neighbours. But it was no good. The Parents, true to their word, kept me grounded for the next two weeks.
And during that time whenever the doorbell went I’d rush down the stairs to see who it was but well, my father always beat me to it. He’d give me a challenging look when he saw me. Our eyes would meet and without uttering one word, he’d simply point up the stairs and I would know that I had return to my room;well, shit on a stick to him.
A couple of evenings later I’d run down the stairs yet again. I was desperate as I hadn’t seen Jack in ages so when I’d heard that soft lilt in the hallway, my stomach had flipped over and I rushed part way down the stairs. There he was; oh yeah, looking oh so fine. I groaned inside and gawked down on him as he greeted my father wearing his ever wide grin and those wonderfully tight jeans.
I didn’t get away with anything though. Beady Eyed Father spied me loitering with intent and pointed up the stairs as usual. Jack had followed my father’s finger and seen me standing there, my lower jaw a playground for acne, my hair an advertisement for electrical currents but you know, I’d missed him so much that I didn’t care.
Jack had grinned at me, causing me to melt on the stairs. He’d looked away for a second and then back again giving me those gorgeous blues. Before I’d known it, he’d been up behind me on the stairs; him taking two at a time and all. It was then that I’d heard that beautiful melodious voice soft in my ear. (And if my ear could, I think it’d have puckered up and snogged his face off). Anyway, that voice; it asked me if I was still grounded as we walked up the stairs. As I was still pretending not to like him I told him to bog off. He chuckled and was passed me, making his way to my brother’s room, leaving a faint whiff of cologne in his wake and a teenaged girl who hungered.
Whilst I laid on my bed a little later on I heard voices on the stairs and realized that they’re going out. There’d been talk of girls and bars and at that moment I hated them. I also hated the girls they’d likely meet. I’d felt the stinging green of jealousy. Envy for those girls seared my stomach and tied it up in knots. I felt sick. He couldn’t go meet someone else; he couldn’t.
:-:
I was totally pissed off. It was a Friday and a couple of weeks after my brother and his friends had gone out on the pull and although no longer grounded, I hadn’t seen Jack as he hadn’t been round in a while.
Kay had managed to get us some invites to a party over the weekend but I didn’t wan to go. What would be the point? He wouldn’t be there. And I wasn’t interested in anybody else. I didn’t like blokes my age. I preferred older guys. Y’know, guys in their twenties. As far as I was concerned young blokes were stupid. They messed about, tried to impress but usually ended up looking complete assholes. Nope. Young blokes were definitely off the menu. And besides I didn’t know any girl who didn’t like a guy with a bit of experience, if you get my drift.
So, anyway, I’d been looking out of the classroom window. It was just gone 2:00 and we’d come back in from lunch break. I’d been gazing across the playground to the playing fields beyond and sighing to myself. Just think; a few years ago, he used to be at the same school; maybe he’d even sat at the same desk, in the same seat. His fine bum may very well have warmed the chair that I now sat on. He may have listened to the same teacher spouting the same drivel and oh, I’d so liked to have been at school with him yet, maybe not. That would have made him much the same age as me and I didn’t want that. Nope, I wanted him to be older, wiser and show a little patience. I wanted him to be gentle. Oh yes, and slow; that’d be nice. ‘Rose Diamond! What did I just say?’ The teacher had caught me daydreaming.
“Erm…”
“You don’t know do you?”
Well, of course not, asshole, else you wouldn’t be askin’ would ya? Instead: “Erm…”
“We were talking about enzymes”. Enzymes; what the fuck are they?
“Do you know what enzymes are?”
Nope.
“I know! I know!” Sensible Smithy; now she had the total opposite problem to what I’d had a few years ago. Her boobs were very large; always had been as long as I’d known her and you know, I could never understand how large boobs could be a problem. Of course, I understand now but back then I was simply jealous and wondered why she had my share of boobs as well as her own. Anyways, yes, Sensible Smithy, well, she didn’t only have large boobs but she had a large brain as well; much larger than mine and clearly knowing the answer, was almost jumping out of her seat.
Mr Patten, the teacher sighed. He took one look at my vacant expression and gave into Sensible, (actually her name was Beverly but I don’t think anyone had ever been nice and used it but hey, we were at school and when was school ever nice?) “Well, Smith?”
“It’s a substance produced by a living organism and acting as a catalyst to promote a specific biochemical reaction”. And there was always one, wasn’t there? Always one who succeeded in making me look stupid. So, anyways, I painted on my interested face and pretended to be taking in the rest of the lesson only my thoughts returned to Jack and his deliciousness.
:-:
“So, are we going tonight, or what?” Kay pressed me for an answer and I couldn’t decide. Did I want go to this stupid party or what? No, not really. I mean, I’d definitely go if he was going, but I knew that he wasn’t. After all, everyone would probably be a lot younger then him and he’d be bored. (Although, not if I got him in the cupboard under the stairs).
“Do you really wanna go?” I asked her as we walked home together.
“Yeah. Come on, it’ll be a laff. And you never know, someone interesting might be there”. Yeah, the fuck he will. She’d stared at me for a moment then as though weighing up what to say next so I gawped back.
“What?” I asked.
“You’ve liked him for a long time, haven’t you?”
“Who?”
“You know who”.
“No I don’t”.
“Bollocks”.
“I don’t know who you mean”.
“Jack”.
“Jack? Do me a favour!”
She’d stood her ground though; stared long and hard at me until I’d admitted it. “Ok, how did you know? I never told anyone”.
“You give yourself away”.
I was mortified. “What do you mean; I give myself away?”
“He only has to enter a room and your blood pressure goes up. I can see it in your face”.
“And you’d know that would you, Dr Kay?”
“You’ve only really ever had eyes for him. I’ve known you a very long time. I know you. You may not speak about him but you stare at him when you think no one is looking. You colour up a nice beetroot red when he looks at you. You talk to him in a certain way. No one else gets your full attention like he does. Like I said; you give yourself away”.
I sighed heavily at her words; slid into sulkiness but knew it to be the truth. Finally, I admitted it. “Yes”. I said. “It’s ridiculous but it’s true”.
“Why is it ridiculous?”
“Because like you said, I’m not interested in anyone else and he, well, he sees me only as Sam’s sister”.
“He might not”.
“He does”.
“Look, let’s go to the party. Let your hair down. You never know, you might even enjoy yourself”.
So I got ready; put on my makeup, perfume; made a weak attempt to morph from the ridiculous into the sophisticated in my search for something suitable to wear. I could always go tarty; loads of makeup, short skirt, low top. But then, I wasn’t really into tarty. I was more into comfortable. (So old before my time). Although, nah; couldn’t be arsed with that either; too boring.
In the end I settled for my new jeans and a small top. (Kind of sexy; low cut, well, a bit but not too much. After all, I wasn’t in the mood to attract anyone, was I? Not anyone who counted anyway).
And it was whilst I was getting ready, that the doorbell went. My heart stopped. Was it who I’d like it to be? I was reaching for my perfume just in case, dousing myself, making sure that I reeked of the stuff and before I knew it, my legs were out of the room and thundering down the stairs, two at a time. (I never was much of a lady. Father was always telling me off for being too masculine. “You walk like a farmer in drag”. He’d say. Well, fine).
I was too late. Mother had let them in so I loitered on the bottom tread, trying to look demure and disinterested at the same time and not really succeeding. I mean, how could I look demure and disinterested when the embodiment of all that I found masculine had just poured itself into my doorway and was standing in tight black jeans and a tee shirt that was just begging to be ripped off. (And I never realised that his chest was so broad. I mean, just look at it. I really need to lick that chest).
“Hi”. I replied with a disinterested yawn. He cocked his head to one side and wore an expression that made me wonder if per chance he could have been a teensy bit interested in me.
He was standing right in front of me and I couldn’t help but ache for what I couldn’t have. I sucked in the sight of him; the scent of him and I hungered. But I knew, oh I knew; I could tell; he saw me as a kid. (Even though I now had boobs, he’d still see me as a kid. Granted they were still small but you know they still had time to grow some).
I decided, as I stood there, drinking him in, that I might as well make the most of it and quietly ache for him from a distance. At least that way I wouldn’t suffer the humiliation of rejection or the embarrassment of being found out.
“Are you going somewhere?” He asked in that soft lilt, his eyes openly lingering on me. Shite, but he turned my legs to jelly just by looking at me and my insides had flared up into a burning cauldron of desire.
Suddenly, I was hot. “Just some party”. I said heaping on the disinterest.
“Oh yeah? And where might that be?” He looked so good. I wanted to lunge at him; eat his face off! Instead: “Oh, just a mate’s”.
“...And is anyone invited to this ‘just a party’?” Oh yes. I liked that kind of question.
“Well,” I said, stretching out my answer so I could gawp up at him for as long as possible. “I guess so. Last I heard was that anyone could go”. He moved towards me and I hauled in my breath. A tiny part of me hoped that maybe he was moving in for a kiss but I took a step back; knew it was hopeless and covered up my desperation for him.
He was grinning, his eyes openly taking in my mouth. So, I stood there, feeling very vulnerable and open, like he could read my mind, but I’m pretty good at covering up my feelings. I’d had too many knock backs from boys at school to allow a bloke to see that I was interested in him. So, I brazenly looked up at him, met his gaze full on.
He stared at me for the longest time. I was in danger of loosing the game. I so wanted drag my eyes off his but I couldn’t. I was sure he would read what was behind them. I didn’t want him to see what I was really thinking; that all this façade was crap; that I was desperately attracted to him no matter what; that he could wear an old sack, red tights and clown’s shoes and I’d still want to snog him. And I did; want to snog him; my brother’s friend. This man I’d known most of my life.
“Well”, I said, not being able to take those silent eyes any more but still managing to look totally bored. “I dunno if I wanna go, actually”.
One side of his mouth rose in the corner and his blue eyes crinkled as his
face turned into one big grin. “Well”, He said as I held my breath in anticipation. “It’d be a shame to waste all o’ that”.
“All of what?”
And he was looking down at my new jeans, staring at them as though maybe, just maybe he might see the legs of a woman instead of the legs of a little girl. One eyebrow rose in his forehead but I chose to ignore it.
“So, all of what?” I repeated a little breathlessly whilst we waited for the grin on his face to stay in one place.
“All o’ that”. He said again.
What? And then I realized; he was looking at the carrier bag behind me on the second stair; the carrier bag that held my stash of alcohol. You bastard; I hate you.
“If y’ don’t want it, then I’m sure me and Keiron can make use of it”.
My eyes narrowed. I insulted him mentally. Called him every name I could think of but only in my head. Cos well, if I let it all out, he’d know that I was disappointed; that I thought he was talking about me, talking about how good I looked and what a shame it’d be to waste such a look by not going out. Well, there y’ go.
“Oh that”. I said covering up my defeat. “It’s only a coupla bottles of cider. My parents won’t let me take anything else”.
“Oy! Jack!” And I could hear my brother’s voice from somewhere above me. We both looked up to see him hanging over the banister. “What are you doing? Come on up. We’re deciding where we’re going tonight”.
And so Jack grinned once more, shrugged those broad shoulders and stepped by me as I stood there grimacing. And I hated him.
“Rose”! It was my mother calling me from the lounge. “Yes, ma”. I went in; entered the room that my parents inhabit every night in their search for entertainment that usually ends at the glass on the television.
“Are you sure that there’s only going to be people your age there at this party?”
“Yes mam”.
“And that there isn’t going to be any strong alcohol or drugs?”
“No mam”.
“You won’t get drunk, will you?”
“No mam”.
And then my dad, who had his feet up on the coffee table and was making out that he’s bigger then he really is, decided to put his few pennies worth in.
“Are you sure there won’t be older men there?”
“No dad”.
“I know about these parties”.
I sighed, rolled my eyes. Here we go; The Lecture. Don’t get drunk. Don’t get mixed up in any drugs. Don’t let any man get too close. And most of all…keep away from blokes dangly bits. Only he doesn’t quite put it like that.
“I know what older boys are after”. Said my worldly wise dad. “‘You just make sure you watch what you’re doing”.
“Yes, dad”.
“Don’t you go drinking too much”.
“No, dad”
“An’ don’t you let any bloke…”
“…take advantage. No, I won’t dad”. Why did I always get the same lectures?
“You just remember….” He continued.
…that they’re all wolves out there.
“That they’re all wolves out there”.
…out for all they can get.
“Out for all they can get”.
“Yes dad”. I tried not to look too bored; like I really was taking it all in. I looked at my mother who was pretending to be watching the TV but I knew that she wasn’t. I knew that she was silently agreeing with everything my father was saying.
“In fact”, he continued. “In fact, I think I might ask your brother if he’ll go along with you!”
What; my brother? Fuck that!
“Yeah, that’s an idea”. My mother was quick to agree. No, it’s not. I don’t want him there; cramping my style. He’ll make me feel stupid; spy on me and report back.
“Yeah, that’s a good idea, though I say so myself!” And so father called out to my brother. I heard a movement upstairs, in the room above our lounge; Sam’s bedroom. Shite! He can’t come. Bollocks! How can I get rid of him?
Father’s voice called out again: “Sam!!” Double bollocks. More movement upstairs. And there he was; sticking his big, fat hooter round the door.
“What?”
“Have you got plans for this evening?” asked father.
Say yes! Say yes, you turkey!
“Not especially”.
Fuck!
“I think you ought to go with your sister to this party of hers”.
Pesky brother went all quiet all of a sudden. He was clearly digesting this request. I willed him to say no but then another face pushed itself into the lounge. Yup. It was Jack; always sticking his hooter in, (even if it is a nice hooter).
“What’s up?” he asked.
And my mother, still a girl at heart, allowed her face to give away her fantasies. “Well”, she said, beaming at Jack who’d come to stand behind me. It was disgusting! It was so obvious that she fancied him; made me feel sick. And at her age, too. “We were just wondering if you boys had anything special on tonight”.
My brother and Jack exchanged vacant glances. It seemed that their brains were still upstairs. “Cos”, my mother continued giving Jack her best smile, oh please don’t do that! “If you haven’t, perhaps you could keep Rose, here, company. Y’know, go with her to the party, like?”
Jack’s eyes met mine but I quickly looked away before he saw my face colouring up. “Nah”, my brother said with a curl of his upper lip. “I can’t be arsed to hang around with a load of kids!” Kids? Kids? Why you….
And then another voice slid into my hearing range. It was Keiron. “What’s this, a party; where?”
I was rolling my eyes and tapping my foot in disgust as the three gorillas in the doorway exchanged questioning glances.
“They’ll all be kids. There’ll be no women there!” My brother stated scowling at the others. And I didn’t want them to go. I knew I was cutting off my nose to spite my face when I would really like to see Jack there but if my pesky brother tagged along too, it’d be a total waste of time. Example A: Brother would keep a beady eye on me so I couldn’t get pissed. Example B: He’d show me up in front of my friends by being sarcastic towards them. Example C: If a guy showed any interest in me, my brother would put him off or embarrass me. Example D: There was no way that Jack would even look at me if my brother was about. Result: I’d be sober, embarrassed, embarrassed some more, angry and totally disappointed.
I shook my head; time to tell them how it was going to be. “He’s not going!”
“Why not?” My brother piped up clearly interested in my reaction. And because I didn’t want him to go, I knew that he would.
“Cos…cos…”.
“If there’s gonna be booze and girls there, I vote we go”. Keiron grinned. He’d obviously worked out the advantages of party going. Jack caused my heart to stop in my chest because he was suddenly nodding in agreement.
Oh no! That I won’t put up with! I’m not going to the same party as you and watching some other girl make off with my prize. So, get real! You ain’t going!
:-:
“I thought you’d be pleased that Jack is here”. Kay stated as I necked the last of my vodka and black. We were standing in the kitchen, next to all the drink, (We’re not stupid), and I was so miserable I could have cried.
I drained my glass; set it down on the work surface and reached for the vodka bottle. “You said”, she continued casting her beady eyes over me as I poured. “That you’d be very happy to see him here”.
“Well, I’m not!” I hissed, making sure I got a good long slug of the fine clear liquid.
“I don’t get you”. Kay sighed, watching me as I handed her the drink. “I thought you’d be pleased. You were bitching earlier today that you didn’t want to come; that you only had eyes for Jack and yet he’s here and your face is still tripping it. Make your mind up! Don’t you want him here?”
I raised my eyebrows as I raised the glass to my lips again. “No. I don’t want him here; absolutely not!”
“Why not?”
“That’s why not!" And I pointed across the kitchen and out into the hallway where we could see the reason for my black mood leaning casually against a wall, glass in his chunky hand, legs crossed at his boots and quite obviously enjoying the company of some girl who was far too pretty for my liking. It was so not fair.
I had to stand there and watch as he flirted with her. I’d thought the idea was that him and my arsehole turkey brother would come to watch over me but obviously not. It seemed that they had certain things on their minds and I was not one of them.
So, I watched the two of them over the rim of my glass as my world grew dark and mean. I was plunged into a jealous silence, standing there, feeling my eyes heat up and wishing that I’d stayed home. I mean, what did she have, that I didn’t? Eh? What made her pretty to him? Was I ugly? Was that why he wasn’t interested in me? Did he find me particularly unattractive or was it simply that I wasn’t as attractive as her? And anyway, why couldn’t she be covered in acne or didn’t pretty girls get acne?
And it was not good. I couldn’t be doing with it. I made up my mind as I slugged some more drink, that I wasn’t going to stand there and tear myself to pieces watching her run off with my dreams. “I’m going home”. I announced.
“Don’t be stupid!” Kay was not pleased. “We only just got here”.
“I’m not standing here,” I began looking at Kay and pointing across to Jack and Pretty Woman over my shoulder. “…and watching that!”
“Watching what?” And a voice I knew extremely well was in my ear. I whipped round. I never heard him come up.
“Have you got your eye on someone then?” And I couldn’t believe my rotten luck.
Jack had come to join us. He was standing right next to me, causing my insides to heat up and melt, grinning down on me whilst pulling on the ring off some can.
“Now, why would I have my eye on anyone here?” I stated. “They’re all monkeys. Do you really believe,” I said, ignoring Kay’s amused grin, “That there could possibly be anyone here that I’d fancy?”
“I thought there might have been someone here that you quite liked”.
“Nope”.
“Well, there’s no one here for me either”.
Outwardly my brows came down in my forehead and I narrowed my eyes. Inwardly my heart skipped a beat. “No one?” I thought of Pretty Woman who was now nowhere to be seen. My words were innocent but laced with slyness and hope.
He gave a little chuckle before answering. “Doesn’t look like it. Well, that is to say that she doesn’t seem to notice me”. She doesn’t notice you? What; is she gay? Next to me, he sighed as he pulled in a swig of ale, saying nothing more.
We fell into a companionable silence. Me, I was given to thinking about his fine mouth and how much pressure I would put on it, should I ever get to snog it. And him; well, I didn’t know what he was thinking. He’s a bloke, after all and who knows what goes on in their heads?
Kay moved off then; winked at me discreetly and sloped off out of the kitchen leaving us alone. Jack and I stood in silence. I wanted to speak but didn’t know what to say. I’m no good at making conversation but I hated silences so as I stood there racking my brain, trying to think of something amusing or interesting to say, he beat me to it by launching into speech.
“So, y’ leavin’ school this year, then?”
“Yep”. I said polishing off yet vodka.
“Do you know what you wanna do?”
You. “Nope”.
And so he goes off on one, holds an entire conversation with himself. “Well”, he began, “When I left school…” And he proceeded to tell me everything that he’d done since leaving all those years ago. And you know, I didn’t care if it was boring, or if it wasn’t really the kind of conversation I had in mind for him and me. All I cared about was the fact that we were alone in the kitchen, standing side by side, leaning up against the worktop, almost touching but not quite and that he was spending his time with me.
I watched him as he spoke, took all of it in; his blue eyes; so blue they made me think of summer; the mop of dark hair that seemed to have a life of its own, the breadth of his shoulders, his chest, his big hands. And his mouth, the way it rose on one side when he explained something funny, the soft timbre of his voice. It was all perfect; so very perfect.
As the night wore on his calm voice relaxed me, or, maybe it was the drink. Either way I found myself letting go of the embarrassment of being attracted to him, leaving behind all the crap of teenage crushes and unrequited love. All I was interested in was being with him, forming the picture in my mind that he was painting and gently floating along with him on his memories.
That night was the best night I’d ever had. The way he spoke to me, the way we conversed; it was like he was seeing me as an adult and not just the younger sister of one of his best friends. I felt an enormous kind of liberation; as though I’d finally shrugged off the child label. He now thought of me as a woman.
Ok, maybe he wasn’t attracted to me. Maybe he never saw me in the way I saw him but it didn’t matter; not then, not that night. I was happy enough to have what he gave me. The rest; hopefully it would come later.
By the time the party came to a close, or rather by the time my pesky brother grew bored enough to go home, Jack and I had spent almost all night in the kitchen, talking rubbish, mostly making each other laugh at the irony of life but also sharing an intimate closeness that came from finding someone else in the same situation; bored, disillusioned with their love life and maybe just a little pissed.
:-:
For the next six days my life took on a new meaning. I’d gained his attention! He’d noticed me. Jack had finally noticed me. I went over every little detail of the evening; the way our eyes had met when we spoke, the way he’d laughed at my comments, the way we’d shared a couple of cans of ale seeing as the vodka had run out by ten o’clock. (wonder who drank all of that?). Oh and it’d been so worth running out of vodka if it meant I got to sip from the same can; to place my lips where his lips had just been and to know that he’d be placing his fine mouth in the exact same spot that only a moment ago, mine had touched.
And when I hadn’t been able to pull the ring from a can; the way he’d taken it off me, our fingers brushing as he opened it for me, the electric current flowing through me as we touched when he gave it back.
On more then one occasion our heads had been close together as we’d talked. He’d even leaned in towards me, his mouth almost touching my ear, to whisper that he found my perfume alluring. And me, well I’d never lured anyone in my life. (I didn’t even know what it meant until I looked it up in the dictionary when I got home). Course, those words of his got me stoked up and excited. All this; all this and non of it even sexual and yet it’d fired my veins until I’d almost exploded over all the kitchen walls but then, as is usual after every rise, there comes a fall and I fell. Oh how I fell.
Ok, ye'll have to wait for the next bit.
Gotta go. 
