dianepm
Professional Insomniac
Because Alison's internet hates her at the moment, I shall post the next installment.
This is entirely the product of an over-active imagination and waaay too much sugar.
Anyway, on with the saga..
When we last left the unsuspecting time travelers, Larry was being hit on by a cave woman.
Chapter 4
In the morning, Bono was disoriented by waking up in an unfamiliar place.
"Zuh...? Where am I...?"
"Ice Age Europe," came Edge's muffled voice. He peered out from under the fur of some sort of antelope.
"Oh yeah. That drumming was great last night. We've got to get back and make a song..."
"We're trying, Bono," Edge reminded him.
"Oh yeah."
That's gonna be a great song," Larry said sarcastically. "Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah." He rolled his eyes.
"No, that's another song," Bono said with a sniff. He thought those drums would sound great in Love And Peace...
Once they'd woken up Adam, they emerged from the tent to find the cave-people bustling about, finishing their breakfast. Several of them offered the visitors chunks of cold meat and pieces of fruit, and the female who had been so interested in Larry tried to feed him herself.
Somehow he managed to avoid ingesting any animal products, shoving the meat in his pocket when he thought no one was looking, although he had to endure the sniggering of his friends when the woman managed to shove something that looked like a dwarf apple into his mouth. He chewed and glared at the others, and tried to smile at the woman.
He pointed at himself, deciding that some efforts at communication should be made, besides grunting.
"Larry", he said, tapping his chest. Then he pointed at her, and made a questioning sort of face.
She frowned, her eyes nearly lost under the brow ridges. She poked his chest. "Lurghy?"
Off to one side, Bono was nearly exploding with suppressed laughter. Edge kicked him.
"No, Larry," the drummer said, tapping his chest again.
"No-lurrghy," the woman said.
Larry suppressed his frustration and tried once more, doing his best to ignore Bono, who was rolling on the ground, helpless with silent laughter.
"La-rry."
The prehistoric woman made an effort, rolled the R, but otherwise got it right. "Larrry."
He smiled and nodded, and she beamed back, displaying worn and crooked teeth. She took Larry's hand and held it to her chest. "Nurgha."
Larry blushed and did his best to duplicate the guttural pronunciation. "Nurrgha," he said, and coughed. She looked delighted.
The other cave people had noticed, and gathered around to learn Larry's name, and Edge and Adam dragged Bono over to join in.
"Hey Lurghy, what's your girlfriend's name?" the singer giggled.
If looks could kill, Bono would have had two holes burned through his head.
His amusement was short-lived, however. When the tribe learned Bono's name, they started to laugh as well. It took a long time to find out why, but finally the chief of the tribe drew a shape in the dirt that the band recognised as some sort of wild pig. The chief pointed at it, saying "bonno", and laughing.
Bono didn't find the name game very funny after that.
Adam was almost disappointed that his name wasn't funny, but most of the tribe had trouble pronouncing "Edge". He resigned himself to being called "Egkh", and hoped he wouldn't start looking up every time someone cleared their throat.
The chief, Tulkh, invited his guests and the younger men in the tribe on a hunt. They were all given spears, and set out across the grassy prairie. Edge was fascinated by the design of the flint spear-head, but Larry was looking slightly ill.
"We're not gonna have to actually kill anything, are we?"
"Nobody was a vegetarian in the stone age, Lurghy," Bono smirked. "When in Rome..."
"If I see any wild pigs, I'll know what to do with this," Larry replied, hefting his spear and glaring at Bono.
Tulkh turned around and gestured for them to shut up. The other men were crawling on their bellies up a ridge, and the band followed suit. When they reached the top, they saw a herd of reindeer, the largest male showing an impressive set of antlers.
Tulkh waved Larry forward, indicating that he should make the first throw. The drummer inched to the front, reluctance in every muscle, but very much aware of being surrounded by powerful cavemen with sharp spears who had showed them all every hospitality.
He stared at the deer, and his spear, and Tulkh. He stared at Bono and Edge and Adam, who stared back at him. They all thought he should kill something, just because the chief wanted him to, Larry thought. What was the point of having convictions if you put them aside when it was convenient?
"No," Larry said loudly, shaking his head. He stood up and threw down his spear. "I won't kill it." He pointed at the deer, who had looked up in alarm, ready to bolt.
Tulkh didn't look happy, and he and the other men had a short but heated conversation.
"What are you doing?" Bono hissed. "You want to get us all killed?"
"I'm not eatin' meat and I'm not killin' anything, I don't care what bleedin' time zone we're in." Larry stood firm, arms crossed.
Tulkh and the others stood up, and the chief waved them all back from the ridge, scowling. Larry picked up the spear and followed, at the back of the group. So what if he offended a bunch of cavemen?
There was a rustling noise behind him, and a growl. Suddenly a grey furry shape flew out of the long grass and barreled into Larry, at the same time as several others attacked the other men.
Unfortunately for the wolf that had attacked Larry, it had collided with the spear-point, and a long gash had opened on its shoulder. The wolf fell back, snarling, and Larry found himself pointing the spear at it, breathing hard and wanting to either stab it or run away.
The cavemen had reacted in much the same way, if slightly quicker. Larry saw one of them throw his spear, and it caught another wolf on the rump. He quickly resumed eye-contact with the wolf he'd accidentally injured.
"Shite!" The drummer fumbled in his pocket, and found the lumps of meat he'd hidden at breakfast. He threw them as far behind the wolf as he could, and the animal turned and ran after them. So did its fellows.
"Run!" Larry shouted, and did just that. A moment later Tulkh gave a piercing whistle, and pointed. Larry had been running the wrong way. He changed course, and they all pelted back towards the camp site.
"Why... did you have... meat in your pocket?" Edge gasped as they reached safety.
"Some vegetarian," Bono said from the ground, breathing heavily.
"I hid it … at breakfast..." Larry panted.
"Snack for later?"
Larry wished he'd thrown the meat at Bono and set the wolves on him.
Meanwhile, Tulkh was having an earnest conversation with an old man, who had all manner of feathers and bones and tattoos decorating him and his clothing. They kept pointing at Larry. The drummer saw Tulkh imitating his refusal to kill the deer, and the old man looked thoughtful. He came over and peered at Larry carefully. Larry drew himself up, eyebrows together.
"Larry," the old man said, then a string of other words Larry didn't know. He had never learned this man's name.
The old man drew on the dirt with a stick, and Larry thought it was meant to be a deer. The old man picked up a spear and stabbed his drawing through the neck, and looked at Larry.
Larry scowled, but said nothing. Then the old man rubbed out his spear mark and made the deer whole again, and handed Larry the spear. He nudged the drummers arm, as if to encourage him to stab the drawing too.
"No." Larry shook his head again, and dropped the spear. "I'm not killin' it."
The old man nodded then, smiling. He waved Tulkh over and spoke rapidly, and then Tulkh was nodding and smiling. He also seemed to re-enact Larry's encounter with the wolf, and how he'd thrown the meat away and drawn them off.
"What was all that about?" Bono said, puzzled, as the cavemen gathered around Larry, smiling and thumping his shoulders.
"I think they think Larry saved us all from the wolves," Edge replied. "Maybe they think Larry has some sort of personal taboo about killing deer, too."
That night, there was a huge feast, and there was the atmosphere of a party as the drums came out again, and various tribe members wore their best skins and decorations and body paint. There was piles of food, and no one seemed to mind that Larry avoided all the meat. Everyone took turns dancing and eating, and Edge didn't mind that his dancing was a source of great amusement for some of the young cave people.
After a couple of hours of merriment, Tulkh grabbed Larry and Nurgha, and stood them both up, facing one another. He held one of their hands in each of his.
"Larry," he said, placing Nurgha's hand on Larry's chest. Then he said "Nurgha," and put Larry's hand on hers. "Ungrent?"
"Ungrrent?" Larry repeated, wondering what new word he was learning..
Nurgha beamed. "Ungrent!"
Tulkh beamed too, and clapped them both on the back. "Larry, Nurgha, ungrent!"
The whole tribe erupted into guttural cheers and applause, thumping the ground and the drums and whatever came within reach. Larry smiled uncertainly.
Edge was becoming very very worried.
The old man came over then, and walked around Larry and Nurgha in a circle, waving a collection of rattling bones and speaking something that sounded suspiciously ritualistic. Larry's smile slid off his face.
"Wait, what's going on? What does 'ungrent' mean?!"
The old man smiled at him toothlessly. "Ungrent. Larry, Nurgha. Ungrent."
Larry began to panic.
"What…" Bono began.
"I think Larry just got married," Edge whispered back.
"Aww," Adam smiled.
Bono laughed, then stopped. "He can't get married, he's got Ann."
"And we can't get too mixed up in these people's lives, we don't belong in this time," Edge said. He caught Larry's eye. The drummer was mouthing 'Help me!' desperately, but a crowd of cave people were ushering the newlyweds into a tent.
"What can we do?" Adam said.
"Get ready to run..." Edge started to make sure he had everything in his pockets, and planned which way they had to go to get to the lemon.
The tribe had gathered around the tent, beating on drums and shouting what were possibly encouraging words. Several minutes passed, and then raised voices were heard from inside. Moments later, Larry streaked out, his red shirt torn and his eyes wide.
"We're leaving!" he yelled as he ran past his band mates.
Nurgha was wailing in distress, and suddenly the tribe looked very unfriendly.
"Thank you for your hospitality, but he's not really the marrying kind," Adam explained, before Edge dragged him almost bodily off his feet. Soon the four of them were dashing through the night, as the heavy footsteps of the tribe came after them.
The lemon winked softly in the reflected starlight, exactly as they had left it.
"How do we get in??" Larry said, running around it in a panicky circle. Edge pressed a button on a remote control in his pocket, and it started to open, lights flashing. The stairs slowly descended.
"Shite, hurry up!"
The footsteps came closer, then there was a shout, and all the cavemen stumbled to a halt. They all gaped at the brilliantly shining lemon as it whirred and opened.
"Oh dear. They probably shouldn't have seen this," Edge said. Larry was already up the steps and inside, Bono and Adam on his heels.
"Come on, let's get out of here!" Larry shouted.
"Er, sorry for possibly contaminating your timeline," Edge said, then ran up the steps. He hit the Close button and the lemon whirred again, the steps retracting.
A spear flew out, clattering against the mirror tiles and glancing harmlessly into the night. Another one made it through the opening, and luckily missed the occupants and any vital equipment. Edge flicked a switch, activating a force-field. Another spear came towards them, but bounced off. There was shouting and astonishment from the tribe.
The last thing they saw was the group of awestruck tribesmen, suddenly bowing low, their faces on the ground.
"Geez, Lurghy, you couldn't have taken one for the team?" Bono was leaning against a wall, trying to catch his breath.
Larry just glared, and made an oinking noise.
"It's a shame she didn't go for Adam," Edge muttered.
"What?" Adam hadn't been listening, distracted by all the blinking lights as the lemon warmed up.
"Never mind. We should get out of here before they found a religion on us or something."
"That'd suit Mr Messianic Complex over here," Larry said, continuing to glare at Bono.
"Where to now?" Bono asked, sidling next to Edge. "Do we hit the Random button again?"
"No." Edge slapped Bono's hand away from the tempting button, and started making adjustments to a bank of dials and switches and displays. "I need to try to fine-tune the instruments – compared to the distance in time between here and the Cretaceous period, we don't have far to go until our own time. Now sit down and don't touch anything."
"How far's 'not far'?" Adam asked.
"About 50,000 years," Edge said distractedly. "There." He pressed a button, and there were several seconds of the usual special effects.
This is entirely the product of an over-active imagination and waaay too much sugar.
Anyway, on with the saga..
When we last left the unsuspecting time travelers, Larry was being hit on by a cave woman.
Chapter 4
In the morning, Bono was disoriented by waking up in an unfamiliar place.
"Zuh...? Where am I...?"
"Ice Age Europe," came Edge's muffled voice. He peered out from under the fur of some sort of antelope.
"Oh yeah. That drumming was great last night. We've got to get back and make a song..."
"We're trying, Bono," Edge reminded him.
"Oh yeah."
That's gonna be a great song," Larry said sarcastically. "Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah." He rolled his eyes.
"No, that's another song," Bono said with a sniff. He thought those drums would sound great in Love And Peace...
Once they'd woken up Adam, they emerged from the tent to find the cave-people bustling about, finishing their breakfast. Several of them offered the visitors chunks of cold meat and pieces of fruit, and the female who had been so interested in Larry tried to feed him herself.
Somehow he managed to avoid ingesting any animal products, shoving the meat in his pocket when he thought no one was looking, although he had to endure the sniggering of his friends when the woman managed to shove something that looked like a dwarf apple into his mouth. He chewed and glared at the others, and tried to smile at the woman.
He pointed at himself, deciding that some efforts at communication should be made, besides grunting.
"Larry", he said, tapping his chest. Then he pointed at her, and made a questioning sort of face.
She frowned, her eyes nearly lost under the brow ridges. She poked his chest. "Lurghy?"
Off to one side, Bono was nearly exploding with suppressed laughter. Edge kicked him.
"No, Larry," the drummer said, tapping his chest again.
"No-lurrghy," the woman said.
Larry suppressed his frustration and tried once more, doing his best to ignore Bono, who was rolling on the ground, helpless with silent laughter.
"La-rry."
The prehistoric woman made an effort, rolled the R, but otherwise got it right. "Larrry."
He smiled and nodded, and she beamed back, displaying worn and crooked teeth. She took Larry's hand and held it to her chest. "Nurgha."
Larry blushed and did his best to duplicate the guttural pronunciation. "Nurrgha," he said, and coughed. She looked delighted.
The other cave people had noticed, and gathered around to learn Larry's name, and Edge and Adam dragged Bono over to join in.
"Hey Lurghy, what's your girlfriend's name?" the singer giggled.
If looks could kill, Bono would have had two holes burned through his head.
His amusement was short-lived, however. When the tribe learned Bono's name, they started to laugh as well. It took a long time to find out why, but finally the chief of the tribe drew a shape in the dirt that the band recognised as some sort of wild pig. The chief pointed at it, saying "bonno", and laughing.
Bono didn't find the name game very funny after that.
Adam was almost disappointed that his name wasn't funny, but most of the tribe had trouble pronouncing "Edge". He resigned himself to being called "Egkh", and hoped he wouldn't start looking up every time someone cleared their throat.
The chief, Tulkh, invited his guests and the younger men in the tribe on a hunt. They were all given spears, and set out across the grassy prairie. Edge was fascinated by the design of the flint spear-head, but Larry was looking slightly ill.
"We're not gonna have to actually kill anything, are we?"
"Nobody was a vegetarian in the stone age, Lurghy," Bono smirked. "When in Rome..."
"If I see any wild pigs, I'll know what to do with this," Larry replied, hefting his spear and glaring at Bono.
Tulkh turned around and gestured for them to shut up. The other men were crawling on their bellies up a ridge, and the band followed suit. When they reached the top, they saw a herd of reindeer, the largest male showing an impressive set of antlers.
Tulkh waved Larry forward, indicating that he should make the first throw. The drummer inched to the front, reluctance in every muscle, but very much aware of being surrounded by powerful cavemen with sharp spears who had showed them all every hospitality.
He stared at the deer, and his spear, and Tulkh. He stared at Bono and Edge and Adam, who stared back at him. They all thought he should kill something, just because the chief wanted him to, Larry thought. What was the point of having convictions if you put them aside when it was convenient?
"No," Larry said loudly, shaking his head. He stood up and threw down his spear. "I won't kill it." He pointed at the deer, who had looked up in alarm, ready to bolt.
Tulkh didn't look happy, and he and the other men had a short but heated conversation.
"What are you doing?" Bono hissed. "You want to get us all killed?"
"I'm not eatin' meat and I'm not killin' anything, I don't care what bleedin' time zone we're in." Larry stood firm, arms crossed.
Tulkh and the others stood up, and the chief waved them all back from the ridge, scowling. Larry picked up the spear and followed, at the back of the group. So what if he offended a bunch of cavemen?
There was a rustling noise behind him, and a growl. Suddenly a grey furry shape flew out of the long grass and barreled into Larry, at the same time as several others attacked the other men.
Unfortunately for the wolf that had attacked Larry, it had collided with the spear-point, and a long gash had opened on its shoulder. The wolf fell back, snarling, and Larry found himself pointing the spear at it, breathing hard and wanting to either stab it or run away.
The cavemen had reacted in much the same way, if slightly quicker. Larry saw one of them throw his spear, and it caught another wolf on the rump. He quickly resumed eye-contact with the wolf he'd accidentally injured.
"Shite!" The drummer fumbled in his pocket, and found the lumps of meat he'd hidden at breakfast. He threw them as far behind the wolf as he could, and the animal turned and ran after them. So did its fellows.
"Run!" Larry shouted, and did just that. A moment later Tulkh gave a piercing whistle, and pointed. Larry had been running the wrong way. He changed course, and they all pelted back towards the camp site.
"Why... did you have... meat in your pocket?" Edge gasped as they reached safety.
"Some vegetarian," Bono said from the ground, breathing heavily.
"I hid it … at breakfast..." Larry panted.
"Snack for later?"
Larry wished he'd thrown the meat at Bono and set the wolves on him.
Meanwhile, Tulkh was having an earnest conversation with an old man, who had all manner of feathers and bones and tattoos decorating him and his clothing. They kept pointing at Larry. The drummer saw Tulkh imitating his refusal to kill the deer, and the old man looked thoughtful. He came over and peered at Larry carefully. Larry drew himself up, eyebrows together.
"Larry," the old man said, then a string of other words Larry didn't know. He had never learned this man's name.
The old man drew on the dirt with a stick, and Larry thought it was meant to be a deer. The old man picked up a spear and stabbed his drawing through the neck, and looked at Larry.
Larry scowled, but said nothing. Then the old man rubbed out his spear mark and made the deer whole again, and handed Larry the spear. He nudged the drummers arm, as if to encourage him to stab the drawing too.
"No." Larry shook his head again, and dropped the spear. "I'm not killin' it."
The old man nodded then, smiling. He waved Tulkh over and spoke rapidly, and then Tulkh was nodding and smiling. He also seemed to re-enact Larry's encounter with the wolf, and how he'd thrown the meat away and drawn them off.
"What was all that about?" Bono said, puzzled, as the cavemen gathered around Larry, smiling and thumping his shoulders.
"I think they think Larry saved us all from the wolves," Edge replied. "Maybe they think Larry has some sort of personal taboo about killing deer, too."
That night, there was a huge feast, and there was the atmosphere of a party as the drums came out again, and various tribe members wore their best skins and decorations and body paint. There was piles of food, and no one seemed to mind that Larry avoided all the meat. Everyone took turns dancing and eating, and Edge didn't mind that his dancing was a source of great amusement for some of the young cave people.
After a couple of hours of merriment, Tulkh grabbed Larry and Nurgha, and stood them both up, facing one another. He held one of their hands in each of his.
"Larry," he said, placing Nurgha's hand on Larry's chest. Then he said "Nurgha," and put Larry's hand on hers. "Ungrent?"
"Ungrrent?" Larry repeated, wondering what new word he was learning..
Nurgha beamed. "Ungrent!"
Tulkh beamed too, and clapped them both on the back. "Larry, Nurgha, ungrent!"
The whole tribe erupted into guttural cheers and applause, thumping the ground and the drums and whatever came within reach. Larry smiled uncertainly.
Edge was becoming very very worried.
The old man came over then, and walked around Larry and Nurgha in a circle, waving a collection of rattling bones and speaking something that sounded suspiciously ritualistic. Larry's smile slid off his face.
"Wait, what's going on? What does 'ungrent' mean?!"
The old man smiled at him toothlessly. "Ungrent. Larry, Nurgha. Ungrent."
Larry began to panic.
"What…" Bono began.
"I think Larry just got married," Edge whispered back.
"Aww," Adam smiled.
Bono laughed, then stopped. "He can't get married, he's got Ann."
"And we can't get too mixed up in these people's lives, we don't belong in this time," Edge said. He caught Larry's eye. The drummer was mouthing 'Help me!' desperately, but a crowd of cave people were ushering the newlyweds into a tent.
"What can we do?" Adam said.
"Get ready to run..." Edge started to make sure he had everything in his pockets, and planned which way they had to go to get to the lemon.
The tribe had gathered around the tent, beating on drums and shouting what were possibly encouraging words. Several minutes passed, and then raised voices were heard from inside. Moments later, Larry streaked out, his red shirt torn and his eyes wide.
"We're leaving!" he yelled as he ran past his band mates.
Nurgha was wailing in distress, and suddenly the tribe looked very unfriendly.
"Thank you for your hospitality, but he's not really the marrying kind," Adam explained, before Edge dragged him almost bodily off his feet. Soon the four of them were dashing through the night, as the heavy footsteps of the tribe came after them.
The lemon winked softly in the reflected starlight, exactly as they had left it.
"How do we get in??" Larry said, running around it in a panicky circle. Edge pressed a button on a remote control in his pocket, and it started to open, lights flashing. The stairs slowly descended.
"Shite, hurry up!"
The footsteps came closer, then there was a shout, and all the cavemen stumbled to a halt. They all gaped at the brilliantly shining lemon as it whirred and opened.
"Oh dear. They probably shouldn't have seen this," Edge said. Larry was already up the steps and inside, Bono and Adam on his heels.
"Come on, let's get out of here!" Larry shouted.
"Er, sorry for possibly contaminating your timeline," Edge said, then ran up the steps. He hit the Close button and the lemon whirred again, the steps retracting.
A spear flew out, clattering against the mirror tiles and glancing harmlessly into the night. Another one made it through the opening, and luckily missed the occupants and any vital equipment. Edge flicked a switch, activating a force-field. Another spear came towards them, but bounced off. There was shouting and astonishment from the tribe.
The last thing they saw was the group of awestruck tribesmen, suddenly bowing low, their faces on the ground.
"Geez, Lurghy, you couldn't have taken one for the team?" Bono was leaning against a wall, trying to catch his breath.
Larry just glared, and made an oinking noise.
"It's a shame she didn't go for Adam," Edge muttered.
"What?" Adam hadn't been listening, distracted by all the blinking lights as the lemon warmed up.
"Never mind. We should get out of here before they found a religion on us or something."
"That'd suit Mr Messianic Complex over here," Larry said, continuing to glare at Bono.
"Where to now?" Bono asked, sidling next to Edge. "Do we hit the Random button again?"
"No." Edge slapped Bono's hand away from the tempting button, and started making adjustments to a bank of dials and switches and displays. "I need to try to fine-tune the instruments – compared to the distance in time between here and the Cretaceous period, we don't have far to go until our own time. Now sit down and don't touch anything."
"How far's 'not far'?" Adam asked.
"About 50,000 years," Edge said distractedly. "There." He pressed a button, and there were several seconds of the usual special effects.
