dianepm
Professional Insomniac
This story, which Alisaura and I present to you now, has been two years in the making. This started with the simple question "I wonder what they did with the lemon...". It starts out with Bono sounding like he's had three pounds of sugar and two hits of crack, but I promise it gets better. This actually started out as a light-hearted silly little bit of fiction. Somewhere along the line the story took over and that got shot all to hell.
I hope you all enjoy it and please, feedback, comments and criticism are all welcome and much appreciated.
Chapter 1
In the beginning, there was the lemon. It was big, and shiny, and had an engine and wheels, and it was good.
Then, when it had served its purpose, it was discarded, put up for sale on Ebay as a joke. No one expected anyone to buy it.
But someone did.
Nobody knew who actually bought the mirror-ball lemon. It was an anonymous bidder. Years passed, and the lemon was forgotten, or relegated to a fondly-recalled legend among the fans. Little did the world know what the fate of the lemon had been, and would be...
*****
7 February, 2004
It was a dreary grey winter’s morning in Dublin, Edge surmised from the low level of ambient light in the room as he woke up. Another dull day in the studio…
Wait. It was Saturday. They had the day off!
And Morleigh had taken the kids to his parents’ place. He was free. He could spend the whole day on his project…
Edge’s face split into a geekish grin. He had realized the solution to a particularly troublesome problem overnight, and he was very keen to get to work.
“I think I’ll go into the shed and see what I can do…”
The guitarist/mostly-sane scientist performed his morning routine quickly, and had soon disappeared into the three-storey backyard shed that was taller than his house.
As a child, The Edge had spent nearly as much time watching Dr Who on TV as he had listening to records. His youthful ponderings about the possibility of travelling through time and space had gradually developed over the years, and his recent discussions with a quantum physicist friend in Germany had left theories and ideas buzzing around in his brain.
4 hours later...
It was a good thing that Morleigh was visiting his parents with the kids for the weekend because Edge had become completely engrossed in his project, to the point of ignoring the phone and only leaving the shed when nature's call would not be ignored any longer. He had a fully stocked fridge in the shed, but no bathroom.
Bono had been trying to get Edge on the phone all day, and he was beginning to get a little worried. Unable to reach Edge, Bono phoned Adam instead. After a lengthy delay, the bassist finally picked up the phone.
“Mmm?”
“Adam, have you heard from Edge today?”
“No... why?”
Bono became even more concerned. “I’ve been phoning him every half hour and he won’t answer.”
“Why are you so anxious to talk to him?” Adam figured Bono was just being his hyperactive self… it wasn’t as if they hadn’t all seen each other the day before.
“Because I am,” was all Bono said.
Adam rolled his eyes.
“I’m going to try again. Bye!” The line went dead.
“And they say I’m strange...” Adam couldn’t stop another eye-roll, and wondered why Bono had bothered phoning him at all.
Half an hour later, Bono finally got through to Edge; but only because Edge was on his way to the bathroom, having delayed the inevitable for far too long.
“Answer the damn phone, Edge,” Bono muttered while it rang and rang.
Edge was bolting through his house with single-minded focus.
“Gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee... aw dammit…” He passed the phone, then stopped and picked it up, hopping from one foot to the other. “Hello?”
“Edge!”
“What??” What the hell did Bono want now?
“Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to call you all day and I couldn't get ahold of you...” Bono had to stop for breath.
Edge cast a longing look towards the bathroom, and tried to think dry thoughts. “I’ve been very busy and I’m just in the middle of something now...”
“Well, what are you working on that’s more important than me?”
Edge hoped the pout he could hear in Bono's voice was a joke. How could he get rid of him quickly?
“I’ve got a surprise. How about you all come over and see... just give me five minutes.”
“Okay...” This was interesting. The last time Edge had surprised them, it had taken three fire extinguishers to douse the amplifier, which had never sounded quite the same again. Bono simultaneously felt apprehension and anticipation. What could the surprise be? Would it be shiny? Was it combustible? Would they all get one each? The possibilities were endless...
Edge had hung up and bolted for the loo.
--
Bono wasted no time phoning Adam and Larry.
“Hey Larry!”
Larry was not in a good mood. “What? If this is a telemarketer you can f--...”
Bono was unfazed by Larry’s temper. “It's me! Get to Edge’s in five minutes...”
“…What?”
Bono had already hung up, his urgent summons delivered. Next was Adam...
“Feckin’ crazy eejit,” Larry muttered.
--
“Adam!”
“... What...”
“Edge’s ... in five minutes...”
“... Why?”
Adam hadn’t told him to FOAD, so Bono decided to be nice and reply. “...Because I said so?”
Adam thought about that. “Why?”
Bono forced himself to be patient. “Edge has a surprise for us,” he said, spelling it out for the bass player. Was he the only one that wanted to find out what this surprise was all about?
“When?” Adam was having a little trouble concentrating.
Bono sighed a deep sigh. “Right now!”
There was a very long pause. Bono was starting to wonder if Adam had fallen asleep.
“........................................................ Okay.”
“What are you doing, anyway?”
“Oh, just a spot of gardening...” Adam giggled.
--
Approximately five minutes later, the rest of the band was gathered on Edge’s front porch. Bono knocked... and knocked... and rang the bell...
No sooner had Edge emerged from the bathroom, than he heard someone pounding on the door and ringing the bell. With a sigh, he went to the door and opened it.
“You’re a literal little guy, aren’t you.”
Bono finally took his finger off the door bell. “Well, you did say five minutes.”
“Doesn’t he live 20 minutes away from here?” Adam mused to himself.
“Didn’t you hear the sonic boom?” Larry replied, rolling his eyes.
“I said 'give me five minutes', not 'herd the band onto my doorstep in five minutes or less',” Edge said with exaggerated patience.
Bono looked sheepish. “... Oh.”
“Oh for god’s sake...are you going to let us in or not?” Larry said.
Edge let them in. “Mind the...”
“FARK!!” Larry was leaping into Bono’s arms almost before he’d seen the terrifying beast prowling across Edge’s front room.
“.... cat,” Edge finished, stifling laughter.
Adam and Bono had no such restraint, and burst into derisive guffaws.
Once he’d recovered, Adam wandered further into the house and headed for the kitchen, while Edge was putting the cat somewhere safe.
Larry was still in Bono’s arms. “Put me down, ye feckin eejit.” The drummer’s face was scarlet, but Bono seemed to have forgotten he was there.
“Weren’t you the one who jumped there in the first place?” Adam asked curiously, returning from the kitchen with a box of biscuits.
“No one’s askin’ you,” Larry replied, trying unsuccessfully to get Bono’s attention. “I said, put me DOWN.”
“So Edge, what’s the surprise?” The singer was bouncing on the balls of his feet, and Larry was starting to feel ill. "And where’s Morleigh?" He looked around the borderline psychotically tidy house. "And the kids?"
“She and the kids are at my parents’ place.... and will you put Larry down before he throws up?”
Bono looked at Larry in surprise, and promptly dropped him.
“OW! Feckin’ bleedin’ bloody eejit…” The bruised drummer continued muttering unprintable things from the floor.
Adam had finished the biscuits, and looked at the empty box in vague dismay. “Do you have any bread for toast?”
“You just ate it, too,” Edge replied, seeing the trail of destruction in his kitchen.
“Do you have anything else?”
Edge sighed. “Cupboard on the left... help yourself.”
After Adam had emerged again, pockets bulging with food, Bono could contain himself no longer. Loud enough to be heard in the next street, he announced, “Edge has a surprise!”
“Where is it?” Adam asked with his mouth full, having forgotten that Bono had told him that on the phone.
Edge’s exasperation was overcome by excitement about his creation. “Wait 'til you see this... you won’t believe it...!” He led the others outside to his gigantic shed, and they stared upwards in surprise.
"So that's why you've not invited anyone over here for the last six years," Larry said.
Inside the shed, there was more gaping and staring in surprise. Bono, typically, found his voice first.
“What have you been doing?!”
“So it was you that bought it,” Adam observed, pleased to solve the long-standing mystery. Although WHY he'd bought it was another matter...
Most of the available space in the cavernous shed was filled with a huge variety of Stuff – gutted microwaves, wires and bolts and a welder and electronics and soldering equipment and gauges and computers and a fridge and a machine that went BING!... And, of course, the mirror-ball lemon, soaring up into the shadowy heights of the shed, festooned in blinking lights and sparking wires and strange protrusions and the odd wisp of smoke.
Edge was beaming proudly. “Behold!”
Adam, Bono and Larry gaped appropriately in awe.
“What is it?” Bono asked Edge.
“It’s a lemon that’s collided with the starship Enterprise,” Larry put in, sniggering.
Edge glared at the drummer before answering Bono. “I’ve called it the Dimensionally Universal Metric/Analogue Sound System. The only problem with that name is the anagram is ‘DUMASS’.” Edge wondered if he shouldn’t find another name for it, but that one rolled off the tongue so nicely…
Bono blinked, and turned to Adam. “What is it?”
Adam was too busy giggling. Edge sighed and rolled his eyes. “It’s my time machine,” he said patiently.
“I thought that was just a joke!” Bono said.
Edge drew himself up. “I never joke about gadgets.”
“What about that time you put that thing that looked like my mic out that was really a neck massager?”
“… That wasn’t a neck massager,” Adam said.
Bono looked at him curiously. “So what was that then?”
Adam looked back at the singer. “That was a vib—“
“ANYWAY,” Edge interrupted quickly. Adam dissolved into giggles again.
“Why’d you make it out of the lemon?” Larry asked.
"What else were we going to do with it?" Edge replied.
“At least we can all fit inside without suffocating if Adam farts,” Bono said, glaring at the bassist.
Larry was skeptical. “I dunno, it was a pretty tight fit last time.” He also glared at Adam, remembering some very long and unpleasant rides down to the B-stage during the Popmart tour.
"I have made some adjustments over the last few years," Edge said mysteriously. "Just try it." He chivvied the band inside the lemon and closed it; they all fit easily, with more room to spare than they remembered.
“Huh,” was all Larry said.
“How does this work, exactly?” Adam wanted to know, having pointedly ignored Bono's comment earlier.
Edge’s eyes lit up. “Well, the first thing you have to understand is that space-time is curved, rather than flat or linear…”
“What’d you go and ask him that for?” Larry hissed. “We’ll be here all bleedin’ day now.”
“… hyper string theory states that it could be possible to harness this energy and use the strings to transfer an object to almost any other point in space or time, including parallel dimensions...”
Bono and Adam were trying to follow the techno-babble, but were quickly going cross-eyed.
“... And in order to get around that little problem, we have the Heisenberg compensators over here…”
Adam seemed unable to help himself. “And how do they work?” He stifled a yawn, then yelped as Larry kicked his ankle.
“Very well, thank you,” Edge replied evasively. “Anyway, the fuzz box there resonates with the local subspace frequencies when I hook it up through that delay unit and this wah pedal, and this whole array is calibrated with the primary flux capacitor...”
Desperate to put an end to Edge’s in-depth explanation, Adam tried a different tack. Gesturing to all the blinking lights and mysterious gizmos, he asked, “Where did you get all this stuff? And why is it in this big shed?”
“Because it wouldn’t fit in the basement. Now, this button will eventually be connected to this display here, and we can enter any date or co-ordinates we wish to visit…”
Ooh, buttons. Bono’s fingers started to itch. “Can I push this one?”
“No, Bono,” Edge said distractedly. “As I was saying, there are safety features of course, external tachyon-based sensors and life support systems in case of a hostile external environment…”
As Edge droned on and on, Bono couldn’t stop staring at the forbidden button. It was crying out to be pushed. A big, shiny button like that was just made for pushing, not sitting around gathering dust while your guitarist was babbling away…
“… solar panels on the roof, and high-capacity lithium-ion batteries in case of cloud cover or nuclear winter…”
All of a sudden Bono reached out and pushed the big red shiny button… The one that said in big, bold letters ‘DO NOT TOUCH’.
There was an immediate FLASH-BANG, and some very impressive pyrotechnics. The whole machine began to shudder alarmingly.
I hope you all enjoy it and please, feedback, comments and criticism are all welcome and much appreciated.
Chapter 1
In the beginning, there was the lemon. It was big, and shiny, and had an engine and wheels, and it was good.
Then, when it had served its purpose, it was discarded, put up for sale on Ebay as a joke. No one expected anyone to buy it.
But someone did.
Nobody knew who actually bought the mirror-ball lemon. It was an anonymous bidder. Years passed, and the lemon was forgotten, or relegated to a fondly-recalled legend among the fans. Little did the world know what the fate of the lemon had been, and would be...
*****
7 February, 2004
It was a dreary grey winter’s morning in Dublin, Edge surmised from the low level of ambient light in the room as he woke up. Another dull day in the studio…
Wait. It was Saturday. They had the day off!
And Morleigh had taken the kids to his parents’ place. He was free. He could spend the whole day on his project…
Edge’s face split into a geekish grin. He had realized the solution to a particularly troublesome problem overnight, and he was very keen to get to work.
“I think I’ll go into the shed and see what I can do…”
The guitarist/mostly-sane scientist performed his morning routine quickly, and had soon disappeared into the three-storey backyard shed that was taller than his house.
As a child, The Edge had spent nearly as much time watching Dr Who on TV as he had listening to records. His youthful ponderings about the possibility of travelling through time and space had gradually developed over the years, and his recent discussions with a quantum physicist friend in Germany had left theories and ideas buzzing around in his brain.
4 hours later...
It was a good thing that Morleigh was visiting his parents with the kids for the weekend because Edge had become completely engrossed in his project, to the point of ignoring the phone and only leaving the shed when nature's call would not be ignored any longer. He had a fully stocked fridge in the shed, but no bathroom.
Bono had been trying to get Edge on the phone all day, and he was beginning to get a little worried. Unable to reach Edge, Bono phoned Adam instead. After a lengthy delay, the bassist finally picked up the phone.
“Mmm?”
“Adam, have you heard from Edge today?”
“No... why?”
Bono became even more concerned. “I’ve been phoning him every half hour and he won’t answer.”
“Why are you so anxious to talk to him?” Adam figured Bono was just being his hyperactive self… it wasn’t as if they hadn’t all seen each other the day before.
“Because I am,” was all Bono said.
Adam rolled his eyes.
“I’m going to try again. Bye!” The line went dead.
“And they say I’m strange...” Adam couldn’t stop another eye-roll, and wondered why Bono had bothered phoning him at all.
Half an hour later, Bono finally got through to Edge; but only because Edge was on his way to the bathroom, having delayed the inevitable for far too long.
“Answer the damn phone, Edge,” Bono muttered while it rang and rang.
Edge was bolting through his house with single-minded focus.
“Gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee... aw dammit…” He passed the phone, then stopped and picked it up, hopping from one foot to the other. “Hello?”
“Edge!”
“What??” What the hell did Bono want now?
“Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to call you all day and I couldn't get ahold of you...” Bono had to stop for breath.
Edge cast a longing look towards the bathroom, and tried to think dry thoughts. “I’ve been very busy and I’m just in the middle of something now...”
“Well, what are you working on that’s more important than me?”
Edge hoped the pout he could hear in Bono's voice was a joke. How could he get rid of him quickly?
“I’ve got a surprise. How about you all come over and see... just give me five minutes.”
“Okay...” This was interesting. The last time Edge had surprised them, it had taken three fire extinguishers to douse the amplifier, which had never sounded quite the same again. Bono simultaneously felt apprehension and anticipation. What could the surprise be? Would it be shiny? Was it combustible? Would they all get one each? The possibilities were endless...
Edge had hung up and bolted for the loo.
--
Bono wasted no time phoning Adam and Larry.
“Hey Larry!”
Larry was not in a good mood. “What? If this is a telemarketer you can f--...”
Bono was unfazed by Larry’s temper. “It's me! Get to Edge’s in five minutes...”
“…What?”
Bono had already hung up, his urgent summons delivered. Next was Adam...
“Feckin’ crazy eejit,” Larry muttered.
--
“Adam!”
“... What...”
“Edge’s ... in five minutes...”
“... Why?”
Adam hadn’t told him to FOAD, so Bono decided to be nice and reply. “...Because I said so?”
Adam thought about that. “Why?”
Bono forced himself to be patient. “Edge has a surprise for us,” he said, spelling it out for the bass player. Was he the only one that wanted to find out what this surprise was all about?
“When?” Adam was having a little trouble concentrating.
Bono sighed a deep sigh. “Right now!”
There was a very long pause. Bono was starting to wonder if Adam had fallen asleep.
“........................................................ Okay.”
“What are you doing, anyway?”
“Oh, just a spot of gardening...” Adam giggled.
--
Approximately five minutes later, the rest of the band was gathered on Edge’s front porch. Bono knocked... and knocked... and rang the bell...
No sooner had Edge emerged from the bathroom, than he heard someone pounding on the door and ringing the bell. With a sigh, he went to the door and opened it.
“You’re a literal little guy, aren’t you.”
Bono finally took his finger off the door bell. “Well, you did say five minutes.”
“Doesn’t he live 20 minutes away from here?” Adam mused to himself.
“Didn’t you hear the sonic boom?” Larry replied, rolling his eyes.
“I said 'give me five minutes', not 'herd the band onto my doorstep in five minutes or less',” Edge said with exaggerated patience.
Bono looked sheepish. “... Oh.”
“Oh for god’s sake...are you going to let us in or not?” Larry said.
Edge let them in. “Mind the...”
“FARK!!” Larry was leaping into Bono’s arms almost before he’d seen the terrifying beast prowling across Edge’s front room.
“.... cat,” Edge finished, stifling laughter.
Adam and Bono had no such restraint, and burst into derisive guffaws.
Once he’d recovered, Adam wandered further into the house and headed for the kitchen, while Edge was putting the cat somewhere safe.
Larry was still in Bono’s arms. “Put me down, ye feckin eejit.” The drummer’s face was scarlet, but Bono seemed to have forgotten he was there.
“Weren’t you the one who jumped there in the first place?” Adam asked curiously, returning from the kitchen with a box of biscuits.
“No one’s askin’ you,” Larry replied, trying unsuccessfully to get Bono’s attention. “I said, put me DOWN.”
“So Edge, what’s the surprise?” The singer was bouncing on the balls of his feet, and Larry was starting to feel ill. "And where’s Morleigh?" He looked around the borderline psychotically tidy house. "And the kids?"
“She and the kids are at my parents’ place.... and will you put Larry down before he throws up?”
Bono looked at Larry in surprise, and promptly dropped him.
“OW! Feckin’ bleedin’ bloody eejit…” The bruised drummer continued muttering unprintable things from the floor.
Adam had finished the biscuits, and looked at the empty box in vague dismay. “Do you have any bread for toast?”
“You just ate it, too,” Edge replied, seeing the trail of destruction in his kitchen.
“Do you have anything else?”
Edge sighed. “Cupboard on the left... help yourself.”
After Adam had emerged again, pockets bulging with food, Bono could contain himself no longer. Loud enough to be heard in the next street, he announced, “Edge has a surprise!”
“Where is it?” Adam asked with his mouth full, having forgotten that Bono had told him that on the phone.
Edge’s exasperation was overcome by excitement about his creation. “Wait 'til you see this... you won’t believe it...!” He led the others outside to his gigantic shed, and they stared upwards in surprise.
"So that's why you've not invited anyone over here for the last six years," Larry said.
Inside the shed, there was more gaping and staring in surprise. Bono, typically, found his voice first.
“What have you been doing?!”
“So it was you that bought it,” Adam observed, pleased to solve the long-standing mystery. Although WHY he'd bought it was another matter...
Most of the available space in the cavernous shed was filled with a huge variety of Stuff – gutted microwaves, wires and bolts and a welder and electronics and soldering equipment and gauges and computers and a fridge and a machine that went BING!... And, of course, the mirror-ball lemon, soaring up into the shadowy heights of the shed, festooned in blinking lights and sparking wires and strange protrusions and the odd wisp of smoke.
Edge was beaming proudly. “Behold!”
Adam, Bono and Larry gaped appropriately in awe.
“What is it?” Bono asked Edge.
“It’s a lemon that’s collided with the starship Enterprise,” Larry put in, sniggering.
Edge glared at the drummer before answering Bono. “I’ve called it the Dimensionally Universal Metric/Analogue Sound System. The only problem with that name is the anagram is ‘DUMASS’.” Edge wondered if he shouldn’t find another name for it, but that one rolled off the tongue so nicely…
Bono blinked, and turned to Adam. “What is it?”
Adam was too busy giggling. Edge sighed and rolled his eyes. “It’s my time machine,” he said patiently.
“I thought that was just a joke!” Bono said.
Edge drew himself up. “I never joke about gadgets.”
“What about that time you put that thing that looked like my mic out that was really a neck massager?”
“… That wasn’t a neck massager,” Adam said.
Bono looked at him curiously. “So what was that then?”
Adam looked back at the singer. “That was a vib—“
“ANYWAY,” Edge interrupted quickly. Adam dissolved into giggles again.
“Why’d you make it out of the lemon?” Larry asked.
"What else were we going to do with it?" Edge replied.
“At least we can all fit inside without suffocating if Adam farts,” Bono said, glaring at the bassist.
Larry was skeptical. “I dunno, it was a pretty tight fit last time.” He also glared at Adam, remembering some very long and unpleasant rides down to the B-stage during the Popmart tour.
"I have made some adjustments over the last few years," Edge said mysteriously. "Just try it." He chivvied the band inside the lemon and closed it; they all fit easily, with more room to spare than they remembered.
“Huh,” was all Larry said.
“How does this work, exactly?” Adam wanted to know, having pointedly ignored Bono's comment earlier.
Edge’s eyes lit up. “Well, the first thing you have to understand is that space-time is curved, rather than flat or linear…”
“What’d you go and ask him that for?” Larry hissed. “We’ll be here all bleedin’ day now.”
“… hyper string theory states that it could be possible to harness this energy and use the strings to transfer an object to almost any other point in space or time, including parallel dimensions...”
Bono and Adam were trying to follow the techno-babble, but were quickly going cross-eyed.
“... And in order to get around that little problem, we have the Heisenberg compensators over here…”
Adam seemed unable to help himself. “And how do they work?” He stifled a yawn, then yelped as Larry kicked his ankle.
“Very well, thank you,” Edge replied evasively. “Anyway, the fuzz box there resonates with the local subspace frequencies when I hook it up through that delay unit and this wah pedal, and this whole array is calibrated with the primary flux capacitor...”
Desperate to put an end to Edge’s in-depth explanation, Adam tried a different tack. Gesturing to all the blinking lights and mysterious gizmos, he asked, “Where did you get all this stuff? And why is it in this big shed?”
“Because it wouldn’t fit in the basement. Now, this button will eventually be connected to this display here, and we can enter any date or co-ordinates we wish to visit…”
Ooh, buttons. Bono’s fingers started to itch. “Can I push this one?”
“No, Bono,” Edge said distractedly. “As I was saying, there are safety features of course, external tachyon-based sensors and life support systems in case of a hostile external environment…”
As Edge droned on and on, Bono couldn’t stop staring at the forbidden button. It was crying out to be pushed. A big, shiny button like that was just made for pushing, not sitting around gathering dust while your guitarist was babbling away…
“… solar panels on the roof, and high-capacity lithium-ion batteries in case of cloud cover or nuclear winter…”
All of a sudden Bono reached out and pushed the big red shiny button… The one that said in big, bold letters ‘DO NOT TOUCH’.
There was an immediate FLASH-BANG, and some very impressive pyrotechnics. The whole machine began to shudder alarmingly.
... 
